Sunday, December 31, 2006

Well this explains it

I've been feeling tired and sick and wondering if I'm depressed. My cynicism has been overwhelming. And now the answer has come to me. My thyroid is screwed again. Every symptom is back.

My head hurts so much I can't stand it. I'm going to bed with some ibuprofen. Disregard my resolutions. I'm rewriting them when I feel better.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Resolutions 2007

I have two kinds of resolutions this year, blog related and non-blog-related.

Edited to Add: I've changed some of this, trying to be more positive. Bold is new, anything in (these) should be deleted, K?

Blog Resolutions:

1. Get a new blog design & avatar, any opinions here? Anyone?
2. Put my archives back up.
3. Update my blogroll.
4. Fix Technorati account, (any help here is appreciated, the thing is SCREWED)
5. Deal with Bloglines account, also screwed, and add stuff to sidebar I keep meaning to like link to International Infertility Film Festival & Infertility Ribbon Campaign.

Actual Life Related Resolutions

1. Try to get pregnant, try to accept it may not work.
2. Try to Have live baby after becoming pregnant.
2. Try to become effective paid political consultant here in Canada. (insert muffled laughter, because most effin' clients don't want to pay)
3. Try to keep being a (The Perfect) Good Mother.
4. Organize house and paperwork, bills, etc. properly.
5. Ask (Force) multiple personal doctors to work together so that I can be healthy, happy, etc.

And lastly, try not to ask to much of myself. AKA, learn to love the me that already exists right here and now.

Friday, December 29, 2006

The Six Weird Things Meme

Clare tagged me so to start, here are THE RULES: Each player of this game starts with the weird things about them. People who get tagged need to write on their blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says you have tagged them in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

So these are Six Weird Things about Me:

1. Wet bread freaks me out. Any dampness at all near bread that I am eating, (excluding melted butter of course) gives me the willies.

2. I am the world's leading authority on "What to do when Federal Express delivers a dead body/fetus to your front door." Nope, did not want that title on my resume. But, it's a skill set I have acquired. (All joking aside, if any bereaved parents google this after it happens to them, please email me; I will try to help you & I'm so sorry you had to find me this way.)

3. I love my GoLite lightbox. It's made by Apollo, and I use it to keep my hormones, especially melatonin & dopamine, regulated. Most people use it for SAD, after their Doctor prescribes it, but being the ultimate new-agey weirdo, I have decided it can do many other things. Like make my coffee, and make me skinny. The newest version, I am convinced, will do my taxes and give me orgasms as well.

4. I am a Costco freak. I buy everything there. I wish I could live there.

5. I love ballroom dancing, and I have romantic fantasies where I get to dance all night in the arms of Mr. Cotta, the husband.

6. If I see a child alone or in trouble in a store or mall, I follow them around cellphone in hand or just watch them until I see a parent has taken care of them. If it's a male parent I follow them around a little longer, just to make sure he really knows what he's doing, and really isn't some creep who has just picked up the kid and walked away from the real parents.

Yes that last one is weird and paranoid, on the other hand, if we're both ever in the same Costco, your kids are totally safe with me watching over them.

So to finish this meme, I have to tag 6 people now. I am going to tag Nicole, Sky Maybe, Manuela, Lut C, Thalia, Kim and to make this really weird, a 20 year old political blogger I met yesterday named Glen, at Pierre Trudeau is my Homeboy. (Be nice to him. He wrote this awful post title, and when I objected, wrote the most fabulous apology on earth and fixed it. His mother would be proud of him, really. Think nice thoughts about him, K?) I should also tag some people at the Bread N'Roses forum. But I don't know their blogs yet, so hey just meme anyone who sees it, OK?

I started writing this at 2:30 pm BTW and am only now finishing it at 9:00 pm. This is because Mr. Cotta and I decided to get busy in the dining room, after clearing the table in a rather noisy yet innovative manner.

Yes, I actually stopped blogging long enough to have sex. With my husband. And I'm admitting it on the internet. *Snort*

Distract me please

After yesterday's mood hit, I realized I was getting some traffic from various places. Thank you all for taking my mind off my navel-gazing. I'm feeling a bit better.

Clare over at three minute palaver has tagged me for the 6 weird things meme, and that will be my next post. Y'know the one where I get to write leisurely and calmly while my living children play sweetly at my feet, and my husband massages my neck and serves me bonbons, telling my to take my time on the computer.

Umm, yeah.....not so much

In fact, they are all pissed off at me for even looking at the computer, so I may not be doing much blogging in the next week. Nevermind that the only thing they want me to do is referee their Nintendo DS fights, their Lego arguments, etc. etc. you get the idea. I really have to get them out of the house. Stir-crazy does not begin to describe it.

I will quickly say that I am very happy with todays' Globe & Mail editorial on the AHR (Assisted Human Reproduction Act). Their editorials are so freakin' awesome and bang on on this subject, it would not have been better if I had written them myself.

Today, I heart the Globe and Mail Editorial Board.

*Smoochies from the IF community, dahlings!*

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Not feeling so miraculous today

Today is CD1.

Yep, you heard it right. I just had a seventeen day cycle. A new record, even for me. Didn't even get to fail a very expensive drug store pregnancy test.

Plus, this is a two year anniversary of sorts for me. In September of 2004, I had a very late miscarriage at 16 weeks. That pregnancy was, I believed, my last chance at a live baby. And when the ultrasound revealed that my daughter had died, no heartbeat, no movement, I lost it.

I knew I had to find out what happened, and get a diagnosis, so I had them send off a chromosome sample to the lab, and had my daughter's remains and the placenta sent to the US placental pathologist I had hired. She did her report, I read the email version and we discussed the results over the phone. The nightmare report where my perfectly formed fetus with perfect organs, had a massively clotted half-dead placenta on the mother's side of the chorionic plate. It was my fault, my genetic clotting defect that suffocated her.

The written report, and her remains arrived two years ago today in the mail. Yes, her body was sent to my house instead of back to the hospital or to the funeral home. (And yes, at 16 weeks there is most definitely a body...) No one would help us, no one would come pick the remains up, eventually my husband had to drive the remains of his own daughter to a funeral home, and then arrange for her burial and the funeral.

December 28 is officially the shittiest day on the calendar in our house.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Share some love please

*Updated below*

Clare over at Three Minute Palaver is having a very difficult Christmas. She finally got pregnant and everything was going very well, until a few days ago when she began to bleed. A threatened miscarriage is always terrible but during the holiday season it can be even more stressful. She'll be posting another update soon after her ultrasound, but please visit her and let her know we all care.
My heart goes out to you Clare. I'm so sorry you have to go through this stress.

ETA: Clare's latest post here shows that miracles really do happen. Maybe Christmas spirit is real after all?

Oh Clare, and I tried posting there but Blogger has a hiccup. Maybe they need a miracle too?

It's a Merry freakin' Christmas round here!

Have to quickly post, because I have much to clean up around here. Oh, pardon me, I mean tidy of my Christmas presents to myself was getting a cleaning lady again, and the blessed woman is coming tomorrow! Ages ago when my husband decided to start the new business, we had to cut back on everything, and since we couldn't cut back on the mortgage payments, (banks are funny that way) I had to cut everything else I could.

But life is better a bit now, and this Christmas has been very very nice. You'll never believe this, but prior to yesterday, we were the last family on earth that did not own a digital camera, not including the itty bitty crappy ones on our cellphones. But the awesome husband bought me a brand new Sony Cybershot 8.1 megapixel camera. And it has a video camera built in!!! Best part is that it is the kind that has automatic everything, so I don't have to worry about settings. I can fiddle with settings if I want, but really, why bother?

And no I never did find a Wii, but Santa did leave a gift card with enough money on it to buy one as soon as they are available. Not perfect, but the best I could do under the circumstances.

Off to throw away some wrapping paper!

Saturday, December 23, 2006

A New Year, and some New Ambitions

I've had a bit of a revelation here in Aurelia's world. I got a fabulous night's sleep last night, mostly due to starting back on Prometr!um. (I normally don't take it orally, but what the heck? I desperately needed the sleep. Crap was I out like a light.)

And what do I wake up to this morning? The Globe and Mail's front page has a story about the new board of the Assisted Human Reproduction Agency up here in Canada. (Please go read it, and feel free to leave comments, it's a free sign-in. Infertile people seem poorly represented there.) Apparently Stephen Harper thinks appointing a bunch of pro-life religious people to the Board is a good idea. There are few scientists, no medical experts, no REs and NOT ONE person who has gone through fertility treatment.

I will blog about this in detail later, but suffice it to say that I had pitched Michael Ignatieff, and Bob Rae, Gerard Kennedy and Stephane Dion on this exact thing. I warned them, and I was right. If this law isn't changed not only will infertile couples in Canada suffer greatly, but anyone who wants to find a cure for Alzheimer's, for MS, for ALS, and for any disease potentially cured by stem cells will suffer. And since Canada provides billions in stem cell research dollars that the current US government doesn't, we have become the one of the leading places on earth to do good well-funded research.

This is utter insanity, and as of this moment the religious right has finally cemented it's control over a women's reproductive organs. I blogged about this early on, and I let someone intimidate me into taking my posts about it down. Well, no more. Months and months ago when that person took some threats too far, I went to the Toronto Police Service. And after I explained what a blog was, and showed them my Statcounter reports, and the emails, etc. the lovely guys at 54 Division told me they would protect me, and take care of any problems. They monitor, and so do I. Not the most fun, but it keeps me and my family safe from harassment, while I practice free speech.

I like debate, hell I love debate, but as I've told a few people recently, there are legal limits on the internet, just as in real life. It isn't the Wild West of old.

So I've decided to jump back into the fray, and call email a whole bunch of politicians and reporters. We're going to do an awful lot of talking and strategizing. Personally, I can't wait to pitch the Conservative Caucus members who only have children because of IVF. Like the Minister of Finance, Jim Flaherty and his wife, who is an MPP here in Ontario. They have triplets. My sources say that it was very difficult to have those kids and I cannot imagine for the life of me that he would endorse this kind of legislation.

I'm back, everyone, I may not succeed right away, it may take a long time, and a lot of work, but I'm back....and determined to fix this mess.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Wii are hoping for a miracle

Yes, I need a Wii. I'm willing to pay bribes...big bucks people.

A Nintendo Wii gaming system for those of you with your heads stuck in eggnog for the last few months.

My 10 year old has been begging for a game system for ages, but they were all so stupidly violent I just said no. And then I learned a little more and discovered that the GameCube is great for little kids with lots of family rated games, the PlayStation is for slightly older kids, more like PG/AA rated. And the Xbox and Xbox 360 and it's games are too violent and destructive even for Al-Qaeda, possibly even for the NHL. (At least this is the rep among my boys friends and moms...)

But still, all of them involve sitting on your butt in a dark room in front of a computer screen manipulating a joystick. Sort of like blogging or sex, y'know. (snort)

But not the magical Wii, however. There are action, thrills, chills, and if you aren't careful a few real life collisions. So my kids both want it from Santa. And they told Santa that just TWO WEEKS AGO. Never mind that all of freakin' North America is sold out. I have combed every store I can find, surfed EBay, begged, and prayed to multiple religious icons.

No Dice.

So if anyone remotely close to Toronto can get me one, I'll, I'll, I'll do just about ANYTHING. I can't offer to carry your child due to my lousy barely working uterus and ovaries, and I can't give away the two living kids I've got, or this is all kind of pointless, right?

But I'm willing to negotiate just about anything else...REALLY!

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Heeereee eggy eggy eggy

Yes, I sincerely believe that an egg may have decided to show up in my abdomen. Since this cycle I'm not being monitored, and I ran out of OPKs before they blipped their line, I have no scientific proof.

But I have spinnbarkheit dammit!

Or at least I did yesterday. Unfortunately, the husband of the year had to work late and could not come home quick enough to take advantage of this state until late last night, so here's hoping we didn't miss it as it rolled around in the barnyard wreckage that is my abdomen. Just in case, we're playing another little game of farmer and chicken this morning.

I'll start prometrium intravaginally in a few days, baby aspirin, and taking large awful vitamins again. This cycle I won't be able to do subcutaneous micro-hcg shots (1000 IU/Day, or 3,000 IU every 3 days, depending on the cycle), so I can use one of those awful early stick tests if I want. I can start the hcg shots if I want later on (if I get a positive, yeah right,*rolls eyes*).

So 'scuse me now, I have to go ummm, catch something...hehe

Monday, December 18, 2006

Quite edified by the campaign result

Pizza Hut has taken the site down and may be rethinking their ethical standards, hehe. I updated my post below to reflect the changes. Wow, this is much better than bitching behind the scenes in politics. Very fast!

And of course, I can't help but notice the TIME magazine article, that talks about bloggers being inflential but of course, never mentions mommybloggers, or personal bloggers that write about IF or medical/illness subjects. I can't help but think that we are getting somewhere, and influencing something, even if they dismiss us. But it does seem strange that there isn't one word anywhere about us, doesn't it? I'll bet Pizza Hut knows who we are. (chuckle)

There are a bunch of posts I've been saving up in my head about the Liberal Party Convention and my Crime Victim conference, perhaps tonight I'll write them out. I think I've been distracted by both real life and the blogger silliness. Time to get back to changing the world.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Baaaad jokes

Nicole made a funny in a comment below, and I realized that my sense of humour has been sadly missing in action lately.

I know no one will ever be able to follow these comments back and forth-- but in answer to, "if you know of any spells that may work, I'll take that too."

No, sorry, I don't know of any spells, but I have had several occult pregnancies.


Yes I just made a miscarriage laugh dammit!

(Oh, and to be clear, I've had losses and IF and my friends and I get to make jokes, major food chains don't)

Anyone else have any good jokes? I could just insert some of my favourite YouTube videos here, but you must know a few? Follow the instructions below to sign in, or email them to me, and I'll put them up.

Friday, December 15, 2006

The world is calming right down....

So, it turns out that when they cauterize a bleeding nose they only need to use this little stick with a chemical on the end. (silver nitrate? not sure...cute doctor's accent confused me) They only use the super long nose camera thingy for bleeds waaaay high up. And considering how long this thing was, it could've tickled the back of his brain.

And yes, that is as technical as I get with the boys health. I know every detail of every cell in MY body that a Doctor has ever looked at, but whenever I try to look things up for the kids, or even walk into Sick Kids, I become a blithering idiot. I put on a very good show, so calm and together you'd never know that everything going in my brain was just pouring out the other side in a puddly mess. Of course, the kid was perfectly calm and relaxed. Just played his video game thingy, and ignored the Doctor totally. I used to hate those portable video games, until I discovered that they are a great method of anesthesia when a sick child is stressed out. If it was up to me there would be a flat screen TV on the ceiling of every medical room in the world. And DVD players for kids with every video they like. Really, would you rather calmly take blood from a child transfixed by the Bionicles, or would you prefer having 4 parents and staff sit on his arm and chest while he screamed? Thank god for Nintendo!

The good news is that now he will never (okay 80% likely never) ever have another nosebleed again. It turns out he had a bunch of weak blood vessels on both sides, so this was necessary now or in the future.

And of course, with all of this, plus Xmas, I forgot to take my letrazole. So here's hoping I'm not going to waste these OPKs. If not, it's okay because really, I need another month or so of good sleep, extra vitamins, and my Golite. With my weak-ass ovaries, I need all the help I can get, right?

If you don't think I'm a bitch, read on

Look, right now I feel 3 inches high after today. It has been a tough week in the female blogosphere. And in my familysphere. I love reading blogs. I feel like I have 3 million new buddies everytime I get online. Problem is that I really need a label on my head first to warn people: hormonally challenged, highly emotional, intensely loyal, overreacting, political ADD chick who is newish to blogging but has been doing this crap IRL for like 10 or 15 years.

Even my forehead won't fit THAT!

So the next time I come out with a zinger that pisses anyone off, you really need to tell me, email me, or leave a comment. And if you don't want to use my well-intentioned ideas, pat me on the head and ignore me, but always know that my heart really is in the right place, not JUST directly below the foot stuck in my mouth, okay?

Oh, and as far as commenting, I'm in Beta, which sucks BTW, and if your blog is not beta blogger, or you are smart and use typepad, then here's how to comment without transferring your current blog.

Basically you create a google ID (an email address), user name (user name can't be changed later so try to get one you like) and password at the beta site.

They may ask you if you want to create a blog...easy solution, say no, but under the About Me description, write

"My usual internet name is Blahblah and my real blog is at *insert my address here* . You can email me at blahblah @ sdnlsdk "

and this will allow me to see you and wave madly, maybe even visit your blog too. I personally like it when people show me where they are from, just because it makes life a little friendlier, but I also get privacy and I swear to never reveal anyone's personal details, if they don't want them known.

I have to go sleep now. At lunch time Friday my 10yo kidlet with a bleeding nose is getting cauterized. I am trying to convince myself that really they aren't going to stick a large electric cattle prod up his nasal artery, it will just be a tiny thing...but it's hard. I think this will be way harder than the ER. I mean all they did there was hold bandages on him. Today they will stick a metal surgical instrument up his nose and send an electric shock through it. It will be painless, and simple, and end all the nosebleeds.

It will be okay. I will not practice transference. I will not take my nervousness out on internet people, even meanies.

I'll write about it later.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Pizza Hut is never getting another dime from me

*Update below* & *Again*

There are so many things wrong here, I don't even know where to begin...

Pizza Hut UK is running this campaign, but rest assured Pizza Hut Canada and Pizza Hut Head Office owned by Yum Co.!, and/or Pepsico. Doesn't matter, because I will blame ALL of you jointly and severally. IMHO, anyone who could dream up such and s----- and c---- campaign truly deserves the title of (Blank). (I took this obscene name down cause they took their site down)

Oh, and BTW, I will be phoning and emailing all my close family & friends who are IF and adopted and adopting all about your "lighthearted campaign."

And especially about your kind and sensitive letter to Kim.Kim, written by Simon Wallis, Director of Retail Marketing, UK. I'll tell them all to write Mr.Wallis at . Then they can share their experiences of adopting cheesy bread bites, for cash, and then eating them....oops their children, oops their cheesy bread....

Oh, and Pizza Hut, just a little FYI but did you know that statistically hedge fund managers and stock traders must also be adopted, or adopting and have gone through IF? I don't know anyone like that personally, so I could never tell them a thing myself, but I wonder what happens when they google your company, get offended, and short sell your stock? (Okay no one should do this for real, just pointing out something that should've been bloody obvious to anynone with a brain)

I'm just a consumer....maybe you don't care about me...but I'm betting you care about Wall Street. Doncha?

Updated to add: Turns out that the adopt-a-bite site has been taken down...good. I hear some incredibly mature person at Pizza Hut ended it. Now I'm just wondering when we all get our apology. Feel free to comment on any of our blogs, or email us Weiden & Kennedy. Yes, I saw that you clicked on my blog from your static IP.

Hello! \/\/\/\ (that's me waving my hand)

So, why didn't you leave a comment? Not sure what to say? Take a lesson from my son: It starts with "I'm sorry." If a six year old can manage it, you could try too.


Update for Dec.18th : They still haven't apologized, but at this point, I'm sure they all just wish this would go away so I figure we're at detente, right? I'm less angry right now, more like disappointed in them. I'm not going to buy anything from them still, but I'll stop gossiping about them with the other people I know. I DO think all their own mothers would all be ashamed of them though!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

People watching in the ER

I have a new admiration for the Hospital for Sick Children, aka Sick Kids. Why, you ask? Because my oldest son and I just spent the day, the whole day, in the ER, with the world's most voluminous bloody nose.

Yes, I tied up a world famous ER with a mere bloody nose. To be fair, the pediatrician told me to go there when I described the nose that bled profusely, seriously, and disgustingly for a solid hour from 8:30 am in the car on the way to school until 9:30 when we met the nurse at the desk. In between, I had let him out at the school door because the blood looked so itty-bitty, felt guilty about abandoning my child, ran back to his class, held his head while horrible things came out, and rushed him back to the car.

It dried up as soon as the nurse looked him (*Sigh*) and I was embarassed to have wasted the hospital's time, until it started again for an hour or so, and back and forth it went for most of the day. We were seen right away by a nurse, checked, and then waited forever to see a Doctor. I didn't mind because lots of other kids were coming in with serious illnesses and injuries. And they certainly ranked above a bloody nose, right?

(How do I know the following details for sure? I listened in through the thin-as-gossamer "privacy" curtain, duh. To make up for my unintentional nosiness, I did make sure large piles of tissues were close to anyone crying, and if they looked up at me, I tried to smile and say something helpfulish.)

People who obviously rank above a bloody nose on the bad events scale:

Babies coming in who were being transferred from other hospitals to the NICU.

A girl whose fingers had been broken by being slammed in a school door by a bully (she needed surgery, and may have suffered permanent nerve damage.)

A seriously disabled child, confined to a wheelchair, having problems with a feeding tube.

Heartbreaking, really truly awful.

And in the category of "Stories I couldn't believe were true":

4-year old girl has severe diaper rash, to the point where she has open sores on her rear end. She also has some sort of gastrointestinal problem that is making everything worse. This has been going on for 2 months now. So now she is screaming in pain at the mere anticipation of the doctor or nurse coming in. In the end, I hear that the kid no longer eats normal food, because her mother has been forcing mineral oil down her throat, mushy cereal, and endless bottles of juice and milk. Not cups, bottles...and no her mother has never used diaper cream to clear up the rash, or tried encouraging potty training.


Instead the woman is convinced her daughter is either "allergic to her diaper", or "has a disease". I watch in amazement as the doctors gently explain that 4 year old children need normal food, and that a paste-like diaper cream is mandatory, perhaps they could think about ending diapers, hmm? And since the X-ray has shown that her distended stomach is jammed full of umm, waste, the little girl will need a prescription to clean her out just this once, but after that, no more mineral oil, no more giant bottles of juice & milk, and what the heck, some follow-up visits to her Family Doc to check on the sores and ensure the plan is carried out? A reasonable and calm plan, one she might follow only because "Sick Kids told her to do it."

The parents are both seemingly intelligent people, over 30, and yet---I feel a desperate need to smack them with a large Bad Parent Stick. How do those nurses & docs do it? How do they sit there and treat people with respect in the face of such obviously crappy parenting. I could not do it. It was all I could do not to get up, rip aside the curtain, and scream, "You stupid asshats! You don't deserve a child!"

But I didn't. I was quiet and discrete and Canadian. I held the packing bandages up to my own kid's nose until he stopped bleeding, got our test results, got the referral to the ENT, and quietly left, thanking every nurse and doctor I saw.

The staff at Sick Kids are awesome. I love you all to bits.

I'm sure someday someone will see this post and wonder if it's true, sorry guys, but Christ, I could not make this shit up if I tried. Hmm, and as I'm rereading it, I'm thinking I'll get the Bad Parent Stick out and tranform it into a Bad Bully Stick, and track down the school bully above and take all my hormonal aggression on him. What do you think?

Monday, December 11, 2006

Redeeming my Day

I was having a peaceful if boring weekend, computer humming along nicely again, when I happened upon a certain site, and my screen filled up with bitter angry words. I don't know who they are, or why they do this, but I sunk into a funk just reading them.

And tonight I watched the The Grinch who Stole Christmas, and Frosty and felt better. Because if the Grinch can be redeemed then my day can be as well, right?

So, today is the first day of my new life, literally. Because today is Day 1 of my next cycle. The countdown begins....will she ovulate? Who knows? Only time and money spent on OPKs can tell.
I'm doing this one on my own, and next month if my RE will take me back, maybe at the clinic. His staff don't like me, because they only like successful people. Failures are hard to be around. I know this because they told me...asshats. Luckily Dr. C. is a kind and hopeful man. Plus he likes big honking wads of cash, and is willing to set aside his ethics for a price.

I'm off to dream of dildocams and progesterone. Nighty-night!

Saturday, December 09, 2006

A little help anyone?

I must remember to never, ever let my husband "surprise" me by "fixing" my computer while I am away. Dear sweet DH knows about many things, like his job, & how to be a Dad. He does NOT know computers.


I now have to buy a new hard drive backup, back up the few shredded data files left, and format my hard drive. Complete start over....feh. Plus I visited a website which was generally a decent one, and something awful downloaded onto my computer from it. I think Norton and Spysweeper have removed it, but IE is still freezing if I go back to the site, so now I'm confused.

I'm still attempting to "fake it til I make it". Not sure it will work. Any technical assvice is sincerely appreciated, dear internets.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Taking My Own Assvice

I am very good at assvice, not so good at following it. Sooo, I must now swallow my pride and do what Catherine is doing. She is attempting to fake it until she makes it. And she's right...

I know because I told her to do the same exact thing last summer, and she thought I meant to fake being happy until she had a live baby. I clarified later, and told her that I think "making it" means being able to walk down the street without running screaming into traffic.

Hard thing to do, but I must hitch up my bits and do it nonetheless or Christmas will not happen. Plus, there are more good things in the pipe, like DH bringing home another bonus cheque tonight. We will then pay off yet another credit card! Yayyy! Now, I can rack it up at the fertility clinic in January...hehe.

And I can't worry about my so-called friends reaction, right? Because who cares...must bluster through. Feh...she was a bitch anyway. Okay, not really...oh yeah, I wrote her as a "he" cause I hate writing "they", but I should've stuck closer to real life, so as not to confuse myself...

The second thing that was getting me down, BTW, goes back to a recent episode of Studio 60. One of the writers, and an actor on the show, is an acquaintance. (Our kids play together) He knows about my personal history because I invited him to a fundraiser for my support group --- his wife asked about the connection --- I disclosed, and they found out why I literally didn't smile from 2003 until a few months ago. Nothing like, "My babies died" to stop a conversation....
And guess who the latest character he plays is based on? Yep, it's me....right down to the traumatized expression he mimicked, and the description of helping a grieving person as a mitzvah. (I wrote this phrase in the invite to the fundraiser.) He gave me no warning, just a feeling of serious public humiliation at morning drop off at our school. I know future shows will be worse....I am really hoping his kid doesn't say anything stupid to my son....or I'll have to freak on him.

The character is supposed to be a grieving dad whose wife and 2 year old were killed in a car accident, and the producer and head writer need someone to fill in for the writers who quit. So they hire him to write the comedy show, even though he never laughs & never smiles. There's no evidence it's me really, nothing I can prove, just a very creepy familiarity every time I see the show. Like looking in a slightly warped mirror. I also feel a bit used for commercial purposes, like my grief has been hijacked by a TV show to sell airtime.

Can't think about it, instead I will fake joy until I make joy, right? Right?

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Too Many Penalties

I am still tired after the convention, or so I pretend to myself. Really, I've been sleepless for a couple of weeks now. It's not getting better.

The reasons? There are two.

I saw an old friend of mine from Young Liberal days recently and we were chatting away. He and I have a lot of respect for each other and never get to talk as much as we'd like to. As we're talking about plans for the convention, and getting together for drinks afterwards, maybe lunch, I set down my purse. And out everything falls---

Including two pill bottles, one labelled Concerta, the other Ritalin, with my name on both. He's not blind, he sees it and he knows. I gather up my purse and make jokes about having to clean it out, get rid of some of the junk. He kind of fake laughs.

I see him during the convention, but he is distant. I make the internal excuse that he is busy. He is working too, and we can't take time to talk. Except I know it's crap. At the end he is text messaging that we should get together for lunch. I reply yes. I stupidly let my hopes rise. Maybe he won't judge me, maybe we will still be friends.

Maybe I won't have to pay a penalty this time. Oh yeah, I've been thoroughly suckered.

ADHD is a real disease, and it has a very effective treatment, one I wish I'd found oh about 30 or so years ago. But I didn't, and I didn't have parents who gave enough of a damn to help me and for a very long time, I've been saying the exact wrong thing at the exact wrong time. It's called inappropriate verbal impulsivity, and I've got it in spades. I am also late for everything, and completely disorganized with paper. These are not great qualities in politics.

On the upside, I am intelligent, quick thinking, good at media and campaign analysis, and people reading. I've been told by more than one political buddy that I have awesome instincts. And when my drugs are working, and not screwed up by hyperthyroidism or other medical issues, I am a kick ass campaigner.

But I'll never get to prove it to my old friend. The Label is on my head. He hasn't called, and I'm betting he never will. After all, hasn't the media made it clear that ADHD is made up, just another excuse for lazy people. Now they can take drugs and be sucked in by the pharmaceutical industry. Maybe they can get addicted like Lynette on Desperate Housewives! See, when she put her kids in private school, they no longer needed drugs...just proves it's all made up. Right? Right?

Never mind the dozens of politicians who have ADD, (including at least two of the leadership candidates in the recent campaign, f'ing guaranteed, stake my life on it.) I know because I've seen it, plain as day, the same symptoms, the same problems with impulse control. The zingers delivered on the floor of the House of Commons, interspersed with flashes of brilliance. The dozens of cups of coffee, the drinking, the wild and amazing ideas, the passionate debates.

I wish, I wish, I wish...I wish my life was different. I wish I was diagnosed earlier, I wish my purse hadn't opened, I wish I could take back all the stupid things I've said and done in my life.

But it's too late.

I'll write more later. I'm so so sad right now.

I'm editing and shifting today

So if something pops up as republished, apologies. My labels need reorganizing and my links & lists need updating.

I guess turning off my feeds, and weblog updater while updating would stop everything from popping up over and over. Then I could turn it on again after, right? Unless everything came through all at once....feh...

Share the Love y'all, Share the Love

*Warning: Snark Alert!*

*Edited to add, I woke up and realized my mixture of funny and serious may have offended some of you, apologies, please attempt to see my 2:30 am version of humour. If anyone is pissed, I'll change or take down parts, K?*

So I am happy to report that my Canadian hits may actually be growing...I've only been doing this for months now, but yes, someone has finally noticed from INSIDE my own damn country. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my buddies from all around the world, but it was getting a bit strange. A few posts back I used the name of a well-known Canadian blogger, and well, gee, here we are! Should've done this earlier, although minus the heavy breathing might've been good. Hopefully I haven't scandalized anyone.

Of course, later on I might've mentioned a dildocam story, and scared them off, or used a term like TTC and made them think I was unable to get on a bus. hehe - (TTC = trying to concieve, but in Toronto, TTC = Toronto Transit Commission) Yeah, I need to catch that bus boys, bring that Red Rocket home to mama....

Soooo, in the last week or more, I've missed much doings in the blog world and newsworld. I've been reading like mad to catch up, and here goes with just a few of my faves. - Santa has been sick! Eeek! Poor sweetie...(Does this get me on the nice list? Cause I'd like a gift-see below) - Manuela's vacation pix may have inspired me to get tatooed --- or just go to Vegas. Check out her design and you will see that those dudes at the Blog Awards have no idea what they missed. Seriously, though, she could use some love too, go visit, she's worried she may not be able to "get on the bus" either. - Baggage needs some sperm. Got any? Y'know, just lying around somewhere? *Sigh* I swear, sometimes I think it would be easier to score some ecstasy than to get some good, germ-free, frozen sperm....I'm really trying Bags, for you - anything.

On a less jokey note, any lawyers know how to help AJW5403 at ? I'm thinking anonymous tipline...but I'm not sure?!? I mean there is a gun involved and all?

And just for good measure, Cecily at has yet another highly controversial, and kick ass ethical discussion on dwarves, deaf culture, and PGD. (Don't ask me, you have to click on it to find out.)

Sadly it is now time to inform the media, that since I am a mother I too must automatically be a homicidal, post partum depressed child killer, with a penchant for alienating my children from their father, and a schizo tendency to alternate between the twin evils of staying home and neglecting my kids, and/or putting them in bad daycare. (This last one depends on who is beating me with *The Bad Mother Stick* at the time. So hard to keep track...)

Santa, one tiny gift please? For Christmas, could one major newspaper SOMEWHERE on earth write a story entitled, "New study proves: Majority of mothers do a good job." It would just be nice to get a pat on the back instead of a kick in the ass sometimes.

That's all.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Returned to earth

and my very boring life. Leadership is over, my jetsetting meetings are over, and I am so freakin' wiped I can't believe it. Poor DH is incomprehensibly tired, and since as per usual he refuses to go to a Doctor, his cold has turned into a wicked chest cough/bronchitis thing.

I must now nurse my big baby back to health, if he will let me. Cutting out red wine, fine french cheeses, and getting eight hours of sleep at night might help, all ideas that don't fly much in this house- The little babies survived. They refused to eat anything while I was gone, and since his idea of feeding them involves preparing complicated sophisticated gourmet meals, & yelling at them when they refuse to eat the vile stuff, I'm back to fattening up the kids like the witch in Hansel & Gretel.

I might stop by the campaign office and help cleanup, but after that, I'm back to laundry and blogreading I guess. And of course, promptly returning those v skinny jeans. (Insert muffled laughter here).

Tell you all more about the bizarre conference tomorrow...must sleep now.

Monday, December 04, 2006

I came back and I left...ahhh the jetsetter life

First of all, I did manage to keep it together and look good for the last five days. In fact, some people might even say I looked that part worked out well, thank God!

The quick version, and I'll blog more details later, is that my candidate, Gerard Kennedy, did not win, and in fact, decided to drop out one ballot early and send his support to Stephane Dion. As a result, Dion won, defeated Michael Ignatieff and now Dion owes everything to Kennedy. All of which is good in the end for the party, for me, and for my favourite pet cause.

BUT, in the process, I just about lost my mind I sobbed so hard. This event just about crushed me, seriously....

After Gerard dropped out, I text messaged a friend, "My heart is broken. I'm spoiling my ballot."

And I almost did. I sat in the voting room, crying my eyes out trying to put that damn X in a box, any box that didn't say Gerard Kennedy for close to thirty minutes. There was a bunch of us there, looking at each other, not sure if we could bring ourselves to do it.

And finally I did.

So did 90% of the Kennedy delegates, an unusual event because so few people follow their candidate. None of the other ones did, but we all did, because Gerard is the kind of candidate that actually believes in something. Brains, charisma, looks, sort of like Bill Clinton, (without the extramarital affair part, hehe.) Jeanette is a very lucky woman. Gerard was so sweet to me afterwards at the party, he said he was sorry for doing this to me again 10 years later! Strangely enough it is almost 10 years to the date of the end of the provincial leadership campaign where he lost to Dalton McGuinty...and that political campaign really just about killed me.

If you want to know all the political details, etc. click on my sidebar link for Warren Kinsella's blog, or you can just get the chance to see what my new friend Warren looks like. Admittedly, he is much better looking in real life. (The camera angle and the hat don't do him justice.) Turns out that even though his blog is a bit "Gotcha!", IRL he is the sweetest kindest person, a true gentleman. And apart from the whole political thing, I'm wishing him good thoughts right now because he is still in mourning for his nephew, who died last summer. We had started emailing shortly before that and it was very very sad to read his description of the experience. His nephew was 17, in a car accident, and I know that some people reading this blog know a little bit about grief, whatever the circumstances. Think a few nice thoughts for him, K?

To end my story, yes the convention was awesome, and the trip home was long and headachy due to my overconsumption of wine, but still and all, good....

I came home and was greeted by chaos and hugs and kisses. Yes, the children survived...unfortunately DH may not. He looked like he had just about been run over, and when he figured out that I was flying out to Ottawa today and coming back again late tomorrow, he was NOT a happy guy.

The conference is starting so I have to leave the computer now. It's on crime victims and ways to help them survive and thrive. (I hate that title, but whatever, as long as we get some results, right?)

More later...

Friday, December 01, 2006

Meeting bloggers in person

It's really weird meeting internet friends in person, because inevitably they are very different than on the web. Libloggers, so far seem to be similar to Trekkies, 22 year old basement dwellers devoted to their computers, and afraid to speak to girls. I guess they're worried we might bite.

But not every Liberal blogger...yesterday, I met a well-known one for the first time. We've had an email relationship for ages, we are both in Toronto, yet we had never met in person at party events.

And he's cute. Really cute.

I'm married, and he's married and barely knows who I am, but damn----he's cute.

These are the moments when I'm glad I still have my eyesight---and can enjoy it.