Friday, January 19, 2007

I don't know what to do


I had all these lovely fluffy ideas for a post today, but now I'm distracted. My friend Nicole at Just Crazy Enough to Try is in trouble, and I can't figure out what to do. She is bipolar and trying to get pregnant, and has changed around her meds a lot.

Well, something has happened and she has been slipping into a funk. Yesterday, she posted that she is suicidal and had called her therapist and husband and he was rushing home. We haven't heard anything since. Why would I worry more than usual? Because based on my Statcounter reports, I could tell where she was from, (no, I will never reveal anything, I'm too paranoid about my own privacy to violate someone else's). Normally she checks my blog regularly during the day. But she hasn't since yesterday about noon. And that's unusual.

She doesn't have an obligation to update her blog, or even tell any of us internets anything. But even though I've never met her or seen her, I feel like she is my friend, and I want her to be okay and come out of this, like NOW. And I can't stand not knowing if she is okay. If any of her real life friends ever read this post, please email me, or let me know somehow how she is doing.

This is where the weirdness of blogging anonymously comes in. My husband doesn't know about my blog, because I like to have the freedom of being able to express myself. Sometimes I love him to distraction, and sometimes he makes me insanely pissed off. And as many of you know, I like to rant once in a while. (hehe) But what if something happened to me? How would I tell you guys, or even just keep this thing from being hacked?

Don't get me wrong, I'm fine right now, I love blogging, and I am reasonably healthy if a little estrogen deprived and thyroid blah blah. But any of us can get hit by a bus. We can trip and hurt ourselves, get sick, fall apart...

My therapist knows I have a blog, but doesn't know where it is. And one friend in real life has guessed where it is, and read it. He's a trustworthy person and even told me he wouldn't read it if I told him not to. After I got over the shock, I realized that I doesn't matter if he does read it. It's not my friends I worry about so much, it's the nutjobs. But the problem still remains that no one knows my password, and my email IDs. I have to write this all down and make a plan...maybe let a close friend know who could update this thing, or copy it all and hand it to my kids someday.

Yes, I wouldn't mind if my kids knew someday when they are old enough to understand. I want them to know how much I love them and how much they mean to me, and how desperately they were wanted and prayed for. I want them to know all about my life and my feelings and my universe for good or for bad, someday when they are old enough to read it all and get it. I met a woman last night at a party, who told me that she will never lie to her kids. I laughed my butt off, since her kids are 3 and 1 1/2 at this point. Truth is subjective and has to be age-appropriate. Is she really going to tell her kids every detail of her life at the age of 3? I doubt it.

I haven't told my kids everything about my life and my past, because it is very hard for young children to hear some sad stories. Other things, I've spoken about but been deliberately vague about the details. I will tell them everything eventually, but right now, no.

I have to make a plan for this. And Nicole, if you make it through this, please, make a plan too. In fact, to every blogger who reads this, please make a plan so that all of us, your friends, don't have to worry.

I'm rambling. This makes no sense. I don't know what to do.

*Nicole has posted, she is feeling much better!!! Yay, now all of you please go work on your plans for what to do if you can't post yourself.


  1. Hey-I'm worried about Nicole too. I keep checking her blog to see if she's updated. I keep reading her comments to see if she's posted anything or if her husband has. Ugh. I hope she's okay. Will you post if you hear anything?

  2. I'm sorry you are worried about your friend. I hope things are ok with her.

    I have, unfortunately, already had to use the husband as notifier of bad news on my blog. I guess it was worth not being able to rant about him. Maybe. :o)

  3. Glad to hear things are better.

    psst I have a plan. I thought I was just paranoid.

  4. Awww. You really are one of my saviors, you know. You are so clever too. Yes, I check your blog constantly. I always feel so warm and fuzzy when I read it.

    While I am feeling a bit better and Husband is running things for now, at this point I have to deal with my crisis fall out. I always feel so so so bad for all those that I worried so much while feeling so low. I feel so guilty about upsetting everyone. I just want to say I am sorry for worrying you so much. We all have so much going on, and I hate to add to other people's stress. I feel so selfish and bad and wrong to be honest.

    Also, I really appreciate your bossy comments just as much as the other kind. You crack me up and make me smile. Thanks for the advice as well. It helps to hear an evaluation from those I love.

    I love you, man. (That would sound a lot better if I was nice and liquored up.)

  5. Hmmm... interesting conundrum, what WOULD I do should I not be able to blog? I'm not sure if there is anyone that I trust enough....

  6. One friend knows about my old blog. My husband knows about both, but doesn't read either. Neither know passwords but my computer automatically logs on to both sites, so my husband could theoretically figure that out and post something.

    Hmm will have to work on this.

  7. Hm, you know this has occurred to me, too - especially when someone I "know" online doesn't update for a while. Have to think about it.


  8. Looking forward to you next post, my friend. I keep rereading it and it scares me. That's a good thing, I think.

  9. It's interesting how you can become attached to people you know through the computer.

    Anyway, my husband is dimly aware I write online but would not be interested in the content since it's the same stuff he hears me go on about all day. My dilemmas have been more about what friends to share it with; basically, any friend I think I might complain about sometime on it won't get to hear about it. I wish now though that I hadn't told my SIL about the blog. What if I need to complain about my in-laws?

    So good thinking to you on keeping it more private. And the likelihood is nothing bad will happen to you--but yes, it is thoughtful of you to want to keep in the loop those who care about you online, since those relationships are genuine.


  10. My husband has a list of passwords in case anything should ever happen to me. Just as a backup, though, because he has posting rights to my two blogs (main and baby-related).

    I always try to maintain an online presence when I'm sad or waaaaaay down, just for that reason - that people would worry and I know how that feels to worry when you can't do a thing and you can't find them...

    I'm so glad she's feeling better and posted something. She must know she's very loved by all this. :)