Saturday, February 17, 2007

Fish was Delish

I know revenge is a dish best served cold, but I served the fish hot Thursday anyway...we're having smoked salmon & cream cheese on bagels this morning, so that should serve the metaphor well for the weekend. And then steamed mussels for dinner..."So good for the children's brain growth dear."

And yes, I did go shopping, and bought some new MAC makeup, and got another charm for my bracelet, and decided which coffee table to buy. (No we don't own a coffee table, for some odd reason, we had one at one point, but not anymore. Stupid...)

I was considering having a whole trout on Sunday, head and tail attached, and then held off, because last night has changed a bunch of things. He came home, and before dinner said something quite bizarre about rearranging our finances. As if, somehow he was going to be the big hoo-ha who came in and saved the day after all these years of me balancing the books by standing on my head and grovelling to various bankers. I mean, shit, we've had financial problems for years, mostly due to circumstances beyond our control but also due to events like starting a new business, and the severe pay cut he took to do it.

If you look back to here, you will note that we have paid off a substantial amount of credit card debt, recently and we have some more to go....and this was how we kept ourselves afloat after he took a gigantic pay cut 2 years ago, when he left law and began working FT at his new financial venture. A pay cut so large, that no job I ever got could make up the difference, plus we lost our supplementary benefits, like drug and dental, pension, etc.)

(A side note to US readers, Canadian health care does not cover drugs except for the elderly or the poor, or for catastrophic drugs like immune therapy or cancer. Dental is limited for some poor and children and elderly. Yes, dumb...there's a whole national debate going on about this now, since they are realizing that drug coverage can keep people out of hospital. *eyeroll* I've only been saying this for freakin' years....)

Anywaaaay, so last night Mr.Cotta starts going on about how he could have done it better or some such BS...and I lose it because I think I've done pretty damn good considering we skated close to bankruptcy on numerous occasions, but never did, and now that we finally have some money and are breathing easy, he wants to waltz in and enjoy all the good times. At least that's how I see it.

So we have a fight, and blah blah blah about just about everything in our marriage, and lives, but no, not the big elephant in the room, our lost children. I end up crying, and we start really talking about trust issues and how that's our big problem, and I ask him to go to marriage counselling AGAIN. We went a few times and it was not so good. St.Husband is unwilling to admit that his issues are a factor. According to him, it's all me. This is a barrier as you can imagine...

In the end we are unresolved but decide that enough buttons have been pushed for one night, and we need to deescalate and go to bed. We cuddle a bit, drift off to sleep. Well, in the middle of the night, what happens? Someone wakes up and reaches over, and starts to REALLY try to make up with me.

And I go along...snicker.

Yes, I am a romantic, no I know it doesn't erase anything he and I had argued about, but it helps. It helps so much, we're not having trout.

The next time someone tells me that IF and pregnancy loss don't strain a marriage, please slap them for me, okay? I don't think it causes divorce, like that stupid theory every busybody spouts, but it sure doesn't make it easier. In reality, it brings every crack to the surface, and every awful sad thing that was already there, becomes harder to work through.

I have sign off now and go deal with the usual Saturday rigmarole of activities, wish me luck this weekend, okay?


  1. Aurelia, I couldn't help but laugh at the fish. You are my kind of girl! I guess I am just twisted enough to get a huge kick out of it!

    I am sorry that you and Mr. Cotta had a fight. Men just don't get so many things. It is never their fault. I think the trust issues are huge, especially for us adoptees. I think we always struggle to find our place.

    I hope you enjoy your weekend.

  2. Good luck. IF does make everything really hard. Here's hoping you and Mr. Cotta get to a better place.

  3. I hate those fights - round and round it goes, where it stops, nobody knows. Sorry that started off your weekend. (Although the way he tried to "make up" was nice!)

    Yup, IF just makes the small (and not so small) stuff bigger. It's like a big old magnifying glass on everything that's wrong with a marriage. I just love these little side benefits of IF...

  4. Still giggling about the fish. And, at least you got a good roll in the hay out of it. Right? And, anytime, you need me to slap someone for you, I am game. All you have to do is ask, and you shall receive. Just let me at'em.

  5. All those fish dishes sound lovely to me. I miss my smoked salmon. It does sound like a spot of safe space to have all these conversations would help, I hope you manage to persuade him, by fair means or foul!

  6. "It helps so much we're not having trout." That was a great line!

    Relationships are so complicated. You are so right about how losing a child (children) brings your relationship weaknesses to the surface. My personal theory is that when it happens, you have to spend so much energy making sure you just keep it together that when you finally start coming out of it, you and your husband don't know each other. That's what happened to J. and me.

    He, luckily, has been very willing to do therapy. But initially he wasn't so keen on it, and I kind of lured him in by asking him to come see my therapist since most of my issues were related to the marriage. Now he sees her by himself and I see a new person..and it's working! We also saw at least two other people before that for marriage counseling, and the counseling we got from Jason's therapist didn't really help us--but both of us going individually seems to have made a difference.

    Money and death--two topics that are just right for igniting an argument. I hope things get better soon.