Thursday, April 26, 2007

So far so good

I've been feeling pretty decent, even after some upsets and fights this week, so I'm thinking my mood is lasting.

Which is good because my therapy will soon come to an end, sadly. I really like this Doc because she is a medical doctor who does talk therapy and understands medications and all of it combined. Plus she is free courtesy of OHIP. Quite often therapy is paid for here unless you have benefits. Originally I got to see her as part of a brief therapy program at a hospital. (brief therapy is a bogus concept, btw...strictly for budgets, not for patients.) She extended me because she could not take on any extra patients due to the fact that she was going on ----maternity leave.

Yep, she's pregnant. And due soon. Nice part is, she is very very much the "deserving & appreciative" kind of pregnant woman that I cannot resent, plus she has been very open and willing to discuss any feelings I have about it all. (Occasionally I just pretend in my head that she is fat, but I'm pretty OK with her overall.)

So I have another couple of appointments, and then, no more. I'll start shopping around for another one soon, I guess. I keep wishing she could still see me, but she'll be gone awhile and her program won't let me enroll with her again. And it's unlikely she will go into private practice anytime soon.

As for the fights and upsets? Well, besides kid squabbles, etc. Mr.Cotta and I have had a few intense discussions, mostly about money, and soon solved. And my Volvo dealership has been a source of stress, since our Volvo wagon has been in and out of the shop for of all things, broken seatbelts. I can't actually believe that is even possible, but it's true, the damn things broke. (Now I know why that lease was such a cheap deal....they were selling lemons...*eyeroll*.)

My family Doc's office called, and she wants to see me about the RAIU results. Not urgent, like next week, so I think she's going to try to convince me that I'm fine, regardless of the test results. But, after my recent therapeutic revelations, I have decided that this is not on. It is NOT my responsibility to cure myself. It's their's, and those Doctors are going to have to stand up and take some responsibility for not doing their jobs.

And that is what most of my latest foray into EMDR was about; figuring out whose "fault" things were and whose "responsibility" it is. I'll post longer about it next, but to sum up, I've been blaming myself for things that aren't really my fault. Punishing myself for things I have little control over. And letting people off the hook who are at fault.

This has also resulted in my personality constantly being defensive, and angry, and unable to see other points of view. I want to be kinder to others and to myself, both online, and in every day interactions. I'll make myself sick if I don't.

I wish everyone in blogland could be kind to each other, especially about sensitive subjects like children and pregnancy infertility and loss and adoption. We are all so wounded already, do we need to be harder on each other? "Judge" each other's ways?....I don't think hurts me to see people I care about fighting. It doesn't matter who started it or who ends it, we need to learn from one another.

I'm going to go read some more blogs now, I'm a bit behind, I've been enjoying the view from the happy side of the world, thanks!


  1. I guess I am not entrenched enough in the Blog world to have witnessed much judgment and unkindness. That would make me sad too.

    But I guess sometimes when our wounds are still fresh (or even not so fresh), it makes us more prone to lashing out. Sort of like a wounded animal. Our defenses are so high, and our pain threshold so low, that we find ourselves completely unforgiving of any misstep, or inappropriate remark.

    But I'm only thinking and speaking of some of my own past reactions. I don't know anything about the people you are speaking of.

    Your thoughts on uncovering who is to "blame" are very interesting to me. I think I need to do a little work of my own letting myself off the hook for a lot of things. It's so easy to blame ourselves!

  2. good for you on demanding that doctors do their jobs!

    BTW, did you get the email I sent you about the RAIU results?

  3. That just sucks. You find a therapist that is working for you, and then you'll have to find another. Sorry.

    I wish the medical world would take responsibility and diagnose. I just don't know if it's in reality anymore. I wish it was, but the cost of not advocating for myself has been too high. Am I being too cynical?

  4. I tend to 'back away' when bloggers aren't kind to each other- like you I don't understand why the need to be judgmental when 99% of us have had so much heartache and pain. I for one, just don't need any more in my life.

    Therapist sounds great- you sound really well... xx

  5. Judging or the "blame game" is different than holding people accountable for what they are responsible for. I agree with you more than not Aurelia because you are non-judgemental and take a common sense approach to life, which these days is not so common.

    Hope you find as good or better a therapist as the one you are losing. Good ones can be hard to find. Hope you have a great weekend!

  6. Hey Aurelia, so glad to hear you're sounding happy and chilled. Hopefully you can find another nice doc once your time end with this one, they're hard to come by aren't they? x

  7. I always want to be kind to people, and sometimes it backfires - because I then can have a hard time with conflict, and sometimes conflict is necessary, like at work. But I digress.

    I hope you find another great therapist, and I hope you get your doctor(s) to SOLVE your medical issues, soon.

    Volvo seatbelts broke?!? WTF? So much for their safety track record.

  8. Hey. Found you from Baggage. Come check out my new blog at . I would love the visit.

  9. Hey Aurelia,

    I'm a firm believer in therapy, and love how much clarity I have after my meetings.

    Can your doctor recommend anyone for you? Often, a lot of doctors can operate on a sliding scale if cost is an issue.

    And yeah, brief therapy...I don't know anyone who could use therapy who only needs six sessions.