Family hell is getting better this week. I just have to keep thinking about not doing anything, and how easy it is to just say no when someone proposes to invite people over.
Unless they want to come over for a non-judgey visit with dirt on the floor, pizza and beer. Sigh....
Planning Mac's birthday party, and dealing with various crises, I realized that I have not mentioned my current preoccupation. You know how I have been on domperidone, and how I have been trying to keep up with breastfeeding because I had breastfed the other two for at least fifteen months, and darned if I couldn't try just as hard for Julius?
Well, it's getting harder. I'm not sure what the hell is going on with my crap ass hormones this time, but I can't seem to make as much milk and at night especially, a small child is noticing. And keeps trying to get more milk, and crying. So I have doubled my dose of domperidone and I'm doing what I can.....but if this isn't the most bizarre thing on earth because I have never had this problem before!
I've always had loads of milk. Bad latches, thrush, mastitis, pumping problems, blisters, nursing strikes, lumps, you name it, I've battled through it. But supply never was a problem. I never had to even take domperidone, not when I was on the pill after Kaz was born, not when I went away for five days without Mac, nothing.
I know he's 10 and half months and really, we could do a little formula and it wouldn't be a big whoop, but that assumes it would be my decision to use it. This would NOT be my choice, this is because of my body failing me once again. And I can't figure out why?
I just don't get it, it's like this insane thing where just when I think that infertility is behind me and my problems are over, they come back to bite me on the ass again. Osteoporosis, POF, thyroid, and now breastfeeding issues, possibly caused by Sheehan's and placental abruption and holy shit won't that be a lovely lifelong issue to have? Fuck, fuck fuck....If one more person suggests to me that infertility is all about having babies and that it's no big deal and we can just move on after we finish having our kids or decide not to keep trying....I will scream. This, btw, is just one of the many reasons I always say that adoption is not a cure for infertility. They are completely and utterly separate issues. Something too many Doctors forget.
None of us ever stops being an infertile, do we? It's a disease I will always have whether I have zero living children or one or three or twelve.