Friday, April 17, 2009

hey here we go again

Family hell is getting better this week. I just have to keep thinking about not doing anything, and how easy it is to just say no when someone proposes to invite people over.

Unless they want to come over for a non-judgey visit with dirt on the floor, pizza and beer. Sigh....

Planning Mac's birthday party, and dealing with various crises, I realized that I have not mentioned my current preoccupation. You know how I have been on domperidone, and how I have been trying to keep up with breastfeeding because I had breastfed the other two for at least fifteen months, and darned if I couldn't try just as hard for Julius?

Well, it's getting harder. I'm not sure what the hell is going on with my crap ass hormones this time, but I can't seem to make as much milk and at night especially, a small child is noticing. And keeps trying to get more milk, and crying. So I have doubled my dose of domperidone and I'm doing what I can.....but if this isn't the most bizarre thing on earth because I have never had this problem before!

I've always had loads of milk. Bad latches, thrush, mastitis, pumping problems, blisters, nursing strikes, lumps, you name it, I've battled through it. But supply never was a problem. I never had to even take domperidone, not when I was on the pill after Kaz was born, not when I went away for five days without Mac, nothing.

I know he's 10 and half months and really, we could do a little formula and it wouldn't be a big whoop, but that assumes it would be my decision to use it. This would NOT be my choice, this is because of my body failing me once again. And I can't figure out why?

I just don't get it, it's like this insane thing where just when I think that infertility is behind me and my problems are over, they come back to bite me on the ass again. Osteoporosis, POF, thyroid, and now breastfeeding issues, possibly caused by Sheehan's and placental abruption and holy shit won't that be a lovely lifelong issue to have? Fuck, fuck fuck....If one more person suggests to me that infertility is all about having babies and that it's no big deal and we can just move on after we finish having our kids or decide not to keep trying....I will scream. This, btw, is just one of the many reasons I always say that adoption is not a cure for infertility. They are completely and utterly separate issues. Something too many Doctors forget.

None of us ever stops being an infertile, do we? It's a disease I will always have whether I have zero living children or one or three or twelve.

Fuck.

9 comments:

  1. I so understand what you're going through. I take dom, pumped like a mad woman and took enough fenugreek that I peed maple syrup. Yet I've still needed to supplement the boy with formula, although I found this Lact-Aid thingamajig so I don't have to give him bottles.
    I can't help wondering if the reason I can't make enough milk is the same reason why my daughter was stillborn and I had a miscarriage. Sure feels that way, though.

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  2. Yep, I have to wonder if it is all related too. Thing is, Sheehan's syndrome (which causes prolactin and milk production problems) is really rare here in Canada because they say that almost no one ever bleeds in their placenta or has a placental problem.

    Except us, and every woman who has ever had IUGR, or a stillbirth, or a late miscarriage, or clotting, or whatever.

    Somehow I don't think it's nearly as rare as everyone keeps saying it is.....

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  3. No, you're totally right... it NEVER goes away. There is always some issue or another.

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  4. Wow! So you've been having oodles of fun. It would be good to know more about the relationships between these conditions/worries.

    As for whether infertility goes away... that's complex. The short answer is no, it doesn't. It's an experience which changes, no matter what the outcome. The more complicated answer is that, for some, it does seem to fade fairly small into the background, whereas for others it continues to loom large. Either way, a lot of women don't always find it oppressing (according to studies) whether it's a big or small feature of their lives, but we're talking past the age of menopause, so still no quick fixes.

    Bea

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  5. Ah, breastfeeding supply issues, that brings back memories.
    Domperidone didn't do much for me, neither did lots and lots of pumping.

    After a month or two threw my hands in the air and accepted defeat. After that I used a supplemental nursing system till my baby was 5 months old, then I quit because I was going back to work.

    I always say that if there's a next time, I'm going straight for the bottle. I'm not yet sure if I'm joking or not.

    IF, keeps on sucking.

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  6. i admire your eloquent usage of the word Fuck. I mean sometimes that one word just captures it all! Sending good vibes your way :o)

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  7. If it's any consolation, my body isn't obeying my Iron Will [ha!] very well these days either...
    Doesn't seem to matter how well I treat this carcass w/my efforts at improved nutrition, supplements of all manner & description, a little vigorous exercise - oops, what's that one minor factor I'm neglecting?!? Sleep? [hard to achieve when you're boxed between a snoring husband or a thrashing son] I may need to reorganize my entire house so I CAN HAVE MY OWN BEDROOM...

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  8. Good morning, Aurelia. I've tagged you in a meme I thought you might like: http://www.snowcoveredhills.com/?p=2618.

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