Thursday, January 04, 2007

Fully Validated

Thank you, I'm feeling much better tonight.

It only took two hours of therapy, several hugs from my kids, (blissfully unaware of the drama, thank God), and a large bottle of wine. And of course, all your helpful comments.

And about the comments...sorry about the comment approval thing, it's just something I have to do for awhile, and I only reject comments from one tiny group of people. Hopefully not needed soon.

Mr.Cotta is still doing a good impression of Jesus Christ with all his talk of charity & kindness, but I think he is beginning to understand that I never liked idiot half-brother & sil before I went through the latest round of reproductive hell, so it's not like this is the only reason I resent them now. It's just the most immediate one I can blame it on.

But I do have to deal with my birth mother somehow. She never actually said they were a package deal, it's just the way she has always presented it. I'm thinking that at some point I may email her and see if we can't talk without them being involved. I doubt she will go for it since she has been desperate to recreate the mother-daughter-perfect family thing forever. I'm just not comfortable pretending she raised me, and she doesn't seem comfortable just being friends.

Why bother at all? Because she is the only mother I have. My adoptive parents were and are horrible people. Not only could they not pass a homestudy today, but they shouldn't have passed the homestudy 30-plus years ago. I haven't seen them in years, thank God.

I haven't found my birth father at this point. My birth mother is not too thrilled about the possibility of me finding him. They had an okay relationship, but were too young to get married. So she gave me up. I don't know who she blames at this point, her mother, or him or herself, but she blames someone and I feel the weight of it.

I keep joking that I should just go out and find a nice couple to "be my parents." Not really Ward & June Cleaver or anything, I'm not unrealistic. It just doesn't make sense to me that society allowed me to pick my own husband, but not the rest of the family. Mother Nature picked the first set, CAS did a slacker job picking the second set, why can't I, a grown adult, pick a third better set?

So there it is, more me on the net. This was very hard to write, and god knows it's raw, but it's me, messy and imprecise, feelings askew. It's the best I can do at this point.


  1. I doubt your mother blames you, it is quite possible your father did let her down big time, I don't know her story but that was my situation. It is very likely her own family treated her very shabbily. It's unfair to give her the entire blame and then punish her for what happened to her by constantly reminding her that she didn't raise you therefore she doesn't deserve to think of herself as your mother.

    What I think is fair is that you set boundaries with her, she is not allowed to take over your life, give you advice without being asked, demand that you call her something other than her first name,she is not to deny you having contact with your father, she has to know what her boundaries are and work within that.

    I am my daughter's mother just like I am femalem just like I am Australian, it's something that just is and I can't change it. The fact that we were separated doesn't change that. I decided early on not to force a motherly role on to her, and basically what I really wanted was for us to be friends. I love her as a mother and see her respond as a daughter and there will always be issues between us because of adoption.

    If you want a relationship with your mother you will have to set clear and loving boundaries. Don't insult her by saying she exaggerates or lies about what happened, take her word for it. Acknowledge her pain but don't take responsibility for it. Just love her in the way you know how.

    If she's a difficult person then you find ways around that it's up to you to be strong too.

    I'm so sorry you had horrible parents. My daughter loves her parents and that gives me comfort since I can't change what happened.

    Just keep speaking YOUR truth, what YOU feel. I will always try to respond respectfully and with gentleness.

    Reunion isn't easy, whoever just labels it as simply wonderful really doesn't get it.

    What an important post this is thank you for sharing your feelings with us, that takes courage.

  2. Glad you shared this all with us. I am not so sure I agree with everything said in the comment above mine, but I do think boundaries in any relationship are important. I think you are well on your way to making sure those boundaries are in place. I love to read your writing, so keep it up.

  3. We all are so different in reunion. I'm sorry you had such a bad experience growing up. That has to make your biomom feel very guilty and maybe she wants to make it up to you by mothering you. Maybe she has dreamed about mothering you since she had you. My birthmother wanted to "welcome me back into the fold" and didn't really think about me having a whole life and a family etc. She had thought about me so much during the 32 years she hadn't seen me that I was a part of her family still.
    I have a great family but I'm sorry that you didn't have that. We are all sort of dealt a hand and we have to play them. I don't see why you can't "adopt" a family of your own, if they'll have you, and make them your family. There are a lot of people out there that would love that and are in the same situation as you - wanting a family to love.
    Give your biomom a break though and don't be too hard on her...they went through a lot and you need to talk to her about your feelings in all of this.

  4. Missed your post yesterday. Glad today is a little better. And I bet you husband does too since he came close to missing somebody parts. lol. Wish I had some words of wisdom to help you out with your situation.

  5. Glad to hear you're feeling better.

  6. Hello Aurelia, I followed Kim's link to you. As a mom in reunion I have benefitted from Kim's pov and especially agree that reunion is work. It's worthwhile work and the boundaries have been murky for me at times. From your recent posts I think kicking the 1/2 bro and sil out of the picture is an good place to start setting yours. Part of reunion is coming to terms with multiple levels of grief and loss.

  7. Glad you are feeling better. Therapy, hugs and wine can work magic when we let them. I think your situation IS tough. I have no idea how it feels to be you but I can try to empathise as best I can because I can hear what you are writing. Take care of yourself and maybe the rest will follow?

  8. I'm so sorry. It makes me unbearably sad to read this.

    There have been many, many times that I have wished for a magic wand to right wrongs and change sorrows into joys - and this is one of them.

    If I had that elusive wand, you'd have the best parents a girl could ask for.


  9. in i think glamour or marie claire this month, there is an article about a woman who actually did go out and place an ad for "adoptive parents" for herself (I believe she is 44).and believe it or not, it worked! (hers disowned her at like 38 for speaking to there family, that they had also disowned) SO,anything is possible.