Thank you, I'm feeling much better tonight.
It only took two hours of therapy, several hugs from my kids, (blissfully unaware of the drama, thank God), and a large bottle of wine. And of course, all your helpful comments.
And about the comments...sorry about the comment approval thing, it's just something I have to do for awhile, and I only reject comments from one tiny group of people. Hopefully not needed soon.
Mr.Cotta is still doing a good impression of Jesus Christ with all his talk of charity & kindness, but I think he is beginning to understand that I never liked idiot half-brother & sil before I went through the latest round of reproductive hell, so it's not like this is the only reason I resent them now. It's just the most immediate one I can blame it on.
But I do have to deal with my birth mother somehow. She never actually said they were a package deal, it's just the way she has always presented it. I'm thinking that at some point I may email her and see if we can't talk without them being involved. I doubt she will go for it since she has been desperate to recreate the mother-daughter-perfect family thing forever. I'm just not comfortable pretending she raised me, and she doesn't seem comfortable just being friends.
Why bother at all? Because she is the only mother I have. My adoptive parents were and are horrible people. Not only could they not pass a homestudy today, but they shouldn't have passed the homestudy 30-plus years ago. I haven't seen them in years, thank God.
I haven't found my birth father at this point. My birth mother is not too thrilled about the possibility of me finding him. They had an okay relationship, but were too young to get married. So she gave me up. I don't know who she blames at this point, her mother, or him or herself, but she blames someone and I feel the weight of it.
I keep joking that I should just go out and find a nice couple to "be my parents." Not really Ward & June Cleaver or anything, I'm not unrealistic. It just doesn't make sense to me that society allowed me to pick my own husband, but not the rest of the family. Mother Nature picked the first set, CAS did a slacker job picking the second set, why can't I, a grown adult, pick a third better set?
So there it is, more me on the net. This was very hard to write, and god knows it's raw, but it's me, messy and imprecise, feelings askew. It's the best I can do at this point.