Trying to get it out

I have several posts in mind, mostly I seem to stumble over whatever I want to write, it's just not coming out the way I want it to. So, I'll just blurt it out, and see what the hell happens next, ok?

In December, we thought Julius wasn't speaking because his throat was raw from reflux and he needed more meds, and he did improve and said a few things more clearly once he got more, but then....something happened. And he got quieter and quieter, and one day, Mr.C turns to me and says, I think he's deaf. And we realized that he never turned around for noise behind him, ever. If we clapped very loudly and close, the reverberations might make him turn, but nothing else. I thought maybe it was earwax or fluid clogging up his ears, but the pediatrician kept saying it wasn't possible.

Everyone actually, just kept saying it wasn't possible. The said that earwax and fluid could never ever clog up a kids ears, that I must just be ignoring him, not speaking to him, that he must have some sort of developmental delay and I was making it worse. Daycare and speech therapy was the answer. Definitely not being near me, because after all, if he wasn't developing perfectly, it had to be his mothers fault.

The 8 minutes or so with limited oxygen? The amount of time he spent with no oxygen, completely unresponsive, no pulse, no nothing? The long family history of language, learning, and speech problems? Nope, all irrelevant, in the face of what we all know, is always to blame, bad mothers.

No one blames fathers, or doctors, or genetics, or crappy non-existent medical research, or just plain, old, bad luck. Nope, it's all of us shitty moms. Some of us even start to believe it, and think it might be true, and that maybe it's divine justice, taking revenge on us for risking pregnancy and birth another baby with our really bad medical history.

I pressed on, in the face of all that guilt and blame. I got a hearing test, and a referral to an ENT, and I went to a psychologist, and a speech therapist, and I put up with more blame and more decrees that daycare would "cure" his obvious neglect. At the first hearing test the audiologist did a basic test, and declared him fine. But I have no idea what on earth she was measuring because by the time we went to the ENT, he had a giant wax plug in one ear. So large, and so awful that my husband had to hold him completely still while surgical implements were used to pull it out.

The 2 hearing tests in a row after that were still showing loads of fluid so his hearing was muffled, likely with gluey fluid that most Docs can't see on sight, but hearing tests can detect easily. Yet for some reason, the ENT did not tell us the truth. He told us to relax, just come back in 6 months.

I learned long ago that if a Doctor tells me to relax, and I do it, I end up burying a child, or deathly ill. Never ever relax is my motto. I insisted on one more hearing test referral.

So while I suffered more insults and paid more money to speech therapists and psychologists and listened to more discussions of how daycare would cure everything, we had a flood. A giant flood. And we called in the insurance company who wasn't going to cover anything, until I called in a contractor and started pulling up the now moldy subfloors, and gee whiz. There was an open overflowing drain under the subfloor. Our drains were blocked by tree roots and all sorts of strange items, and over the last many years, the water had spread mold. Black mold. Did you know that Black mold causes sinus problems, and glue ear and tinnitus, and allergies and sometimes, excessive earwax in dehydrated kids?

So, one insurance claim later and several thousand dollars later, we have a ripped up basement, clean flowing drains, and way less mold, but until mid-october, who knows if it's all gone? We're breathing easier for now.

And the finale? On our last hearing test, Julius' ears were free of fluid and all obstructions, all earwax. His left ear passed, but his right ear failed.

My son is deaf in one ear, and has possibly had limited hearing in the other, and every single Doctor from birth onwards missed it, and never bothered to properly check.

But they never missed a chance to blame me. Proving that nothing ever changes. Nice.

I need to get into a pediatric hospital that can do more advanced testing now, and make sure that he can hear someday, and communicate someday. I don't know just how serious or mild it is. I only know that he has about 10 words, and is getting increasingly frustrated, and is very very far behind. None of the speech therapy we've paid for has worked. And because we've fallen through the cracks, and he wasn't tested properly at birth, I don't know if or when we ever will get into the kind of specialized hospital program that we need.

I need another miracle.

Pigs are flying

Since I got back from BlogHer, I have had swine flu, and now the baby has swine flu and we are trudging through. Mac had it last June, but now---oy. I thought I dodged a bullet, but apparently it's hard to catch, and he just didn't pass it on properly, bad child. Would have been much more convenient to get in June, you know.

I have been doing some commenting when possible. The only other things I have updated are Facebook rarely and twitter cause I can reach them on my blackberry, and I long ago mastered the art of balancing a cellphone while a small child screamed in agony and slapped the shit out of me at 4:00 am.

(If you aren't on twitter, you can read me and anyone there, by clicking on the sidebar link and reading them, or you can read any tweets on google reader or bloglines by clicking on the little orange button with the wavy lines that sits on a twitter profile. )

Piggy flu baby Julius looks pretty healthy during the day except for the runny pink eyes, runny nose, coughing, whining, diarrhea, cramps, intermittent fever and such. It's the all night screaming that kind does me in. But it's really not bad. Not as bad as RSV anyway.

Oh, about BlogHer? Best goddamn thing I've ever done. The keynote speeches? Rocked my world, I laughed, I cried, I saw whole worlds I never knew existed. I adore these women. I think I'd hurt anyone who tried to hurt them. Mostly because, as I told Mel (Stirrup Queens-Mel), you have all saved my life. When no one on earth cared about my pain, you were the women, and men, who stood by me and kept me going.

I can't forget that.

Which is why I have such an need to save you all right back.

And the rumoured, supposed bad behaviour of some women? I didn't see any negative things, but then again I'm used to Liberal Party conventions, and ummm, errr, let's just say that Liberals really are on a whole 'nother scale of rowdy, ok? I've seen fistfights, and near riots and pregnant women being almost crushed in crowds if it wasn't for the security details. I've seen things that would blow your mind, at Tory conventions, (literally, table full of blow) and Dipper conventions (don't ask...) too, so hey, maybe I'm jaded?

(And yes, they were male dominated conventions, and no one blinked an eye at their behaviour. Hmmmm, coincidence?)

I do think that some of the companies involved at BlogHer acted poorly. I won't get very detailed here, but I do think they misjudged their audience. They seemed rather self absorbed, and not very aware that people like me, consumers with large budgets, were there. In fact, I don't think it actually occurred to them that some of their company's stockholders might be there, watching them.

Little message I'd like to get across:

Hi Marketers, not everyone at BlogHer is poor, or lacking in connections. Some of us don't need ads or free swag, (Yes, we'll take it, for fun, but we don't need it, big difference). But we were so totally fucking unimpressed with your company's patronizing sales reps and marketers that we short sold your stock for kicks when we got home. In fact, some of us have friends, who manage mutual funds and pension funds, and we told them that you suck at customer service as well.

You know, like I would, if I was one of those not so poor not so connected types.......

Heh

I know--marketers think all mommybloggers are poor and grasping and desperate for ads and freebies. And some do need the cash and more power to them if they can feed their kids and make it. But whether we need the money or not, we all deserve respect and dignity. Cause you never know who is watching. And who has the back of her peeps.

Anyway, I just know that I have 1400 new friends, all fabulous, kind, and lovely women. We laughed and drank and learned about Google SEO and deep links and design and all sorts of cool stuff.

And then we all caught BlogHerebola from each other.....scuse me while I go take some cold meds and go to bed.

Birthday week

Julius the Great, Emperor of the Universe, or at least of our house, is one year old now. He just had his birthday and well, is practically a grown up. Barely needs me anymore....ok, not really, but he is very very cute. And standing on his own, and almost walking but not quite. He grabs people's fingers, one in each hand, and then runs at top speed, in whatever direction he desires, and expects us to keep up with him. He has no fear of heights, or concept of stairs or steps, or which direction is up or down or level. He just GOES!!

Adorable but not really practical. I fear for the rest of his lovely forehead at this rate! He is terrified of loud noises and especially showers and the printer on the computer. I tried to take him in the shower and let him play with some bath toys at my feet one day and he screamed like he was going insane and we gave up on that plan. Anyway, he is also growing molars. Four at once. Cause hey, why do anything halfway, right? We have given him tempra round the clock and he is chewing and gnawing on frozen washcloths and freezies and such, but he really is suffering. Kills me to see it. I can't wait until it's over, and he feels less cranky and whiny.

Which is why I am so tired and barely blogging right now. I can manage twitter from my phone, but that's about it, and what with mercury retrograde and all, technology has been suffering greatly at our house. I am on my second blackberry this month and it still isn't working perfectly. Then my husband's phone broke, and then my nanny's phone bill was astronomical but it was all a mistake. The roof leaked again and fornicating raccoons took up residence. The power keeps going out and the new car broke down and carpenter ants invaded, and now I am finding broken punched in bits of drywall everywhere. So far, the dishwasher, the whippersnipper, the back gate, the bathtub drain, the shower and the baby's crib have broken again in May.

Really, it's all a bit freaky when things go haywire around here. So I've been busy!

Now, nobody is seriously ill or anything, and for that, I have to thank my lucky stars, do not misunderstand me. We have the money to fix it all, and it will get repaired--but umm, it's a lot to break at once, isn't it?

Actually, Mac is sick as we speak, fever of 103.5, poor baby. He is supposed to go to sleepover camp with his class tomorrow and likely will not go. I am sad for him feeling sick, but as you all know, hate sleepaway camp and secretly am kind of glad. Bad me.

Ok, someone is crying. Tylenol for them and wine for me.....where did I leave that brown paper bag......yawn.....

hey here we go again

Family hell is getting better this week. I just have to keep thinking about not doing anything, and how easy it is to just say no when someone proposes to invite people over.

Unless they want to come over for a non-judgey visit with dirt on the floor, pizza and beer. Sigh....

Planning Mac's birthday party, and dealing with various crises, I realized that I have not mentioned my current preoccupation. You know how I have been on domperidone, and how I have been trying to keep up with breastfeeding because I had breastfed the other two for at least fifteen months, and darned if I couldn't try just as hard for Julius?

Well, it's getting harder. I'm not sure what the hell is going on with my crap ass hormones this time, but I can't seem to make as much milk and at night especially, a small child is noticing. And keeps trying to get more milk, and crying. So I have doubled my dose of domperidone and I'm doing what I can.....but if this isn't the most bizarre thing on earth because I have never had this problem before!

I've always had loads of milk. Bad latches, thrush, mastitis, pumping problems, blisters, nursing strikes, lumps, you name it, I've battled through it. But supply never was a problem. I never had to even take domperidone, not when I was on the pill after Kaz was born, not when I went away for five days without Mac, nothing.

I know he's 10 and half months and really, we could do a little formula and it wouldn't be a big whoop, but that assumes it would be my decision to use it. This would NOT be my choice, this is because of my body failing me once again. And I can't figure out why?

I just don't get it, it's like this insane thing where just when I think that infertility is behind me and my problems are over, they come back to bite me on the ass again. Osteoporosis, POF, thyroid, and now breastfeeding issues, possibly caused by Sheehan's and placental abruption and holy shit won't that be a lovely lifelong issue to have? Fuck, fuck fuck....If one more person suggests to me that infertility is all about having babies and that it's no big deal and we can just move on after we finish having our kids or decide not to keep trying....I will scream. This, btw, is just one of the many reasons I always say that adoption is not a cure for infertility. They are completely and utterly separate issues. Something too many Doctors forget.

None of us ever stops being an infertile, do we? It's a disease I will always have whether I have zero living children or one or three or twelve.

Fuck.

The real big winner

Lord, I am such a star it's a wonder the world doesn't just imitate everything I do.

Sigh....

Before I explain why, an update, Julius is feeling much better. We switched antibiotics last Friday and his fever is now completely gone and his ear seems better. He's off his schedule, but it's fixable. So that is the good news.

On to my tales of woe, last Friday, I got my Form 6 in for a delegate spot for the Liberal Party Leadership at the very last second on earth, and discovered later that my husband had gotten confused and thought that I was going alone, but since it's April 30th-May 3rd, Julius will only be 11 months and still breastfeeding and there is no way I'm going without him. Except for the fact that my nanny can't come since she is going to be elsewhere, and the Liberals generally don't provide childcare at conventions. And now I am either stuck trying to find a nanny out in Vancouver who can watch him in the hotel room while I go out to parties and he is sound asleep, or at least someone to help me during the day so I get to eat and shower and pay attention to the speakers.

And of course, my husband has to agree to let me take the baby all that way. He is hesitant because when I've taken one of the kids to a convention before, it was really crappy and I did not enjoy myself at all. And the baby at the time, Kaz, had his schedule all screwed up by the end. Not fun for him either. Mr.C. could take care of him, and I'd just leave frozen milk, but I'm not sure that will be so great.

Thing is, I went to a conference when Mac was 11 months old and left him behind, and hauled a breastpump with me all over god's green acre, and missed him terribly and that wasn't much fun either. I missed loads of stuff because I was pumping in my room all the time, and because I couldn't freeze it and it was too many days, in the end I had to dump the milk I pumped, which killed me. I don't mind breastfeeding in public, and dammit, nobody better even try to stop me, but I am not going to use a breast pump in the middle of the convention floor. That would just not work.

I'd been mentally preparing myself to be away from Julius for BlogHer in July and thought that would work since he would be a little older, and breastfeeding a lot less, if at all, but this feels just too soon, you know?

Stupid Liberal Party.....gahhhh, and they wonder why so few women and men of parenting age show up at these things. They have loads of singles, and young people and old ones, but almost no women between the ages of 25-45 ever show up at these things. If they do, they are mostly staff. (Based on my observations anyway.) Honestly, I am going to have to fight to get to bring my breastfeeding baby into the individual meetings.....some idiot will likely make me pay an observer fee for him! Which means I either miss some debates because I am somewhere pumping, or I miss the debates because I am feeding him outside the door, straining to hear. The NDP has fabulous free childcare, pretty much round the clock, and it let's all babies and small children into conventions whereever parents go. They have had it for over twenty years with huge success, but that would be waayyy to progressive for the Liberals, practically socialist, so that's a no go.

Oy.

A smarter person would have checked this out sooner and made better plans....fuck I am stupid.

Plus we put off taking a vacation for so long that my husband is not thrilled by the selection and price, even though we have one of my blog readers who is a travel agent, Jackie, working her tail off for us, trying to find us a deal. She is doing a fabulous job, but even she can't make a five star all inclusive resort in the high season suddenly drop it's price to nothing. He is slowing accepting this, sort of like he is slowly accepting the fact that when your roof falls in, you might have to renovate. You know?

More Oy.

Again, a smarter person would have checked it out and done a better job, maybe gone in February. I am stupid.

And bound to get stupider. Last night after the Oscars, I was sprawled on our bed, half asleep. My hubs comes in the room and I awake with a start---and smack my head right on the glass corner of the night table. I howled in pain, grabbed my head and saw blood. My husband ran for a cold cloth and ice, but I suddenly realized there wasn't just a little blood, but a giant gusher and ran to the washroom. After we cleaned up what must have been pints and pints of blood, we figured it was only a tiny cut, (the head is a veiny place, yes?). Bigger problem, I think I have a concussion, and with my crummy osteoporotic bones, likely a hairline fracture. Definitely a headache and dizzy anyway.

So there you are folks, don't you want to be just like me? Yeah, I thought not.

Oy

Booo-yah!!

An actual email exchange back and forth. What you don't see on the post is a picture of my crapped out pale disastrous weak face that I attached, along with a close up of my infected throat. Pus and all.

From: Aurelia's real email address
Date: Sat, 14 Feb 2009 19:02:31 -0500
To: Lovely Doctor J.'s email
Subject: Need some help

"Julius" is home now, but we just came back after a day and half at Kids Hospital. He got some sort of secondary infection after his recent cold, the same one I had when I saw you. Based on his soaring temp and his lethargy and pain, they thought it might be meningitis, so he had to get a lumbar puncture and a whole gamut of tests. Turned out he has only has pneumonia and an ear infection, thank God, but we are still waiting to find out the culture results for sure. So he is on antibiotics, ceflex I think..

Trouble is, now I have the exact same thing he had. My ears are on fire, my chest hurts, my neck is stiff, my throat is awful, my nose and sinuses are stuffed and every part of my body hurts and I have chills. I am double dosing tylenol and advil. I am afraid to go to a walk in clinic or ER because I’ll be there forever cause they are all packed and likely give this to someone else. Plus I have to be here to take care of Julius. Nannies and husbands can’t breastfeed!

Can you call in something for me? I wouldn’t ask but this stupid family day holiday means no one is around until Tuesday. My pharmacy is 416-123-4567. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t desperate, but I’ll understand if you say no. I just don’t know what else to do.

"Aurelia"


From: Lovely Doctor J.'s email
Date: Sun, 15 Feb 2009 01:52:36 +0000
To: Aurelia's real email address
Subject: Re: Need some help

You make a good case, no problem. No allergies?

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network


From: Aurelia's real email address
Date: Sun, 15 Feb 2009 02:11:43 +0000
To: Lovely Doctor J.'s email
Subject: Re: Need some help

None, thanks!I really appreciate this.


From: Lovely Doctor J.'s email
Date: Sun, 15 Feb 2009 02:19:41 +0000
To: Aurelia's real email address
Subject: Re: Need some help

Done. Hope it helps.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network


ZOMG, This woman is such a good doctor and knows me so well and understands her patients and saved my butt and really honest to God gets it, that I just love her.

Even though I'm not one, if she wanted to be a lesbian for one day, I would make her so happy. Like, out of gratitude.

one more thing

sick baby now has bronchitis
annual fundraiser a big 'ol mess
friends not available right when I need them
birth relatives violating emotional boundaries
in-laws turning into unrecognizable schadenfreude experts
husband and I having huge fight about unattractive schadenfreuders
roof has an ugly tarp and ceiling still falling in
architect unable to remember previous instructions, keeps sending weird drawings
hormones now undetectable (LH & FSH) so I may have another disease to battle
unable to schedule diagnostic sonohysterogram due to 12 weeks worth of unrelenting bloodloss
kaz's school made several commitments to us on friday after I raised hell - and still nothing
behind on billpaying, even though I have the money, because the paperwork is so screwed up
no groceries in house, no supplies cause I barely have time to move, never mind shop
skin cancer spot on nose, or else I am growing an ugly spot
new car is still not working right
bloglines messed up, can't pick up feeds
feedburner messed up, can't figure out feeds
blogger messed up, keeps barring comments
ISP messed up, unable to get me on the net
gmail/blackberry both messed up, unable to send/receive messages
and last but not least
husband's long-standing, inactive auto-immune disease is active again - the one I can't discuss here, that scares the fuck outa me

enough people just enough

sleep eludes

Baby Julius now has our collective cold...he can barely breathe what with all the snot. Thank God he is 24 pounds and allowed to take Advil cold and Tylenol Cold. (You know, the stuff they said didn't work? hahahahahahhaha, maybe they should speak to the entire pediatric ENT team at Sick Kids, all of whom heartily endorse it.)

Seriously, I love how the keep banning drugs off the market these days with little or no evidence of harm. It's like the new favourite thing to do is ban everything. In reality, they should just make sure it works for certain things and stick to them and study the drug properly if they have no studies.

Like pediatric decongestant? It works just fine, thanks. There are no studies on it in children. Only adults. But the FDA and Health Canada decided to go thermonuclear and BAN it. Funny thing is, that it likely does work well in children. They just haven't studied it yet. The companies are going to study it now because they are getting a lot of pissed of parents and a lot of high level guys like the ones at Sick Kids who are angry that children are being put in danger of chronic ear infections, ear drum damage, ear tube insertion surgery and possible deafness as a result of dipshit bureaucrats trying to cover their ass.

Oh and did I mention the monetary incentives? You see the ENTs at Sick Kids are paid flat rate salaries they negotiate and they only see the most serious cases, and are incredibly busy, so they don't want to see any unnecessary surgeries. They have enough to do. But the ear tube surgeries are still done regularly for any child who has had more than three ear infections. By local ENT surgeons. Who get paid per procedure, and depend on them to cover the bills. (ENTs also got screwed when it was discovered that tonsillectomies are rarely medically necessary. Business dropped and so did office profits.)

You see, about 7-8 years ago, a Cochrane study came out about the effectiveness of ear tubes for children with chronic ear infections. It turns out that ear tubes do absolutely no good at all for any normal children. They are effective for children with cranio-facial deformities, (like Downs, or flat heads from lying on their backs) but pretty much no other children. In the case of normal children with constant ear infections, they should get the pneumovax vaccine, and stay on children's decongestant to dry up the fluid in their ears. They should also be fed sitting bolt upright at all times, and never ever go to bed with a bottle of anything, water, milk, or juice. Breastfeeding is different because you can't culture germs in it and it can't come out of a breast unless the baby is actively sucking and swallowing, so therefore it can't pool in the ear tube and drum and brew up an infection.

The Ontario Ministry of Health could do something about this, and stop paying for a multitude of medically unnecessary procedures, (arthroscopic knee surgery, ear tubes, frozen shoulder rotations, preventative appendectomies, cystoscopies with irrigation, etc, etc...) and someday pay for medically necessary ones, like IVF with SET and PGD or miscarriage treatment, or helmets for plagiocephaly.

Health Canada could operate on the basis of medical evidence for drug safety and say---do things to prevent the death of babies and improve maternal infant fetal health.

But if that were to happen, all hell would break loose, the universe would end, and sunshine and rainbows would come bursting out of my ass.

You know, because it would mean the Doctors actually give a flying fuck about saving lives instead of cold hard cash.

Bloody hell

I am exasperated to the nth degree right now.

My husband has been away and things have conveniently gone nuts in the meantime. The kids have all been sick with stomach ailments and colds and coughs.

----------------------------------------

The very expensive crib broke in the middle of the night and thank goodness Julius woke up and cried. Something bad might have happened....I don't even want to think about it. I just never ever want to hear another asshole asserting that cribs are always safer than the family bed. We had it professionally put together, and it didn't matter. Reality is that cribs break all the time and babies get caught between mattresses and the side and BAD things happen. I don't know what we're going to do now. He won't fit back in my uterus, not that it was a safe place....

-----------------------------------------

We've had more snow than anyone can believe and the city has decided to barely clear any away. I think it's because the private contractor who clears snow for the City of Toronto was made responsible for any snow related road damage this year, and as a result is not letting the plow blades get too near the roads and curbs. Except then the roads still have snow on them. Ooops.

-----------------------------------------

My Doctor has still not called back, which is bizarre. Dr.J. always returns my calls because she knows me and knows I'm not just calling to chat. I've called her office again for the eighth time and they have the report but she hasn't called. Meanwhile I am still having fibroid related symptoms and am getting increasingly freaked out.

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My brother in law P has finally agreed to come back to Canada, since he has no money, no friends and no family in Belgium. (Ok, technically he has a wife but God forbid she pay for some food or get him a Doctor. Did I ever mention that they are still legally married? Yah, class act there...) We have sent him a plane ticket. He won't be in my city, but instead is going to stay with another set of relatives and hopefully in a place of his own eventually. But since his mental state is a disaster and he is drinking again, he will likely not even get on the right plane, or he will have a breakdown in the air and get tasered by the RCMP. (The Mounties ain't what they used to be.)

Meanwhile he has become a weak sick old man who could hardly hurt a fly. A year of starvation, semi-homelessness and barely treated mental illness will do that to a guy. The Doctors were shocked he was alive a year ago considering the condition of his heart and liver. I can't imagine the state he is in now.

And yeah, we'll have to pay out of pocket for medical treatment for him. He paid taxes in Canada as a citizen and resident for 30 years and later as a non-resident but since he lived abroad, that's all erased. He won't qualify for welfare or disability or anything. Remember, here in Canada we abandon our citizens as soon as they cross the border, so don't let anything bad happen while you are gone!

-----------------------------------------

Next problem: I am trying to deal with the house reno design all by myself, but that isn't really working. I am pretty practical. I don't want to do a design that will result in a huge legal fight and on our narrow city lot we can't do everything on earth, but we can do a nice average house. But without my husband's input it's useless to go much further.

And he refuses to look at it. And the roof is falling in. Kind of a problem when it is snowing inside the bedrooms....denial will not work forever me thinks.

----------------------------------------

My final thought for the day? I'm really hoping hard that Obama fires his new Head Chef for the White House, Sam Kass. Can't link to it right now, (updated: links done )but if you go to the New York Times Well Blog, you will see a quote from him where he asserts "the abundance of high fructose corn syrup in lunches and snacks has been shown to have a direct link to the attention deficit disorder epidemic." Except for that whole pesky issue of SCIENCE. You know the thing that Obama promised to follow? In the Inauguration speech?

Look, HFCS sucks, and it isn't healthy for anyone, but I am really fucking sick and tired of idiots saying that mental illness and poverty is caused by moral failings and if we all just hitched up our britches and ate right we'd all be able to ditch our meds.

So here's hoping Obama decides to google the International Consensus Statement on ADHD and believe what over 100 Doctors and Scientists signed in a scientifically credible peer-reviewed publication.

Cause I don't need this. Just don't.

Eight months of Julius

I missed writing on his eight month birthday yesterday, but I thought I at least owed you all an update on him. Things have changed a LOT in the last month alone.

So little Julius, who was never little, is now freakin' huge. Ginormous, in fact, if that's a word. He is at least 23 pounds and umm, I think 28 inches long/tall? Hard to measure with the helmet.

Speaking of which, his helmet for his plagiocephaly (flat head) is going well. His head circumference grew another cm, so more of the flat part filled out nicely. He's lovely and round now! We might actually get out of the helmet in one or two more months. (Depends on if he grows a little more.) Most kids have to do at least until 12 months, but he is growing so fast, it's definitely getting cut down in our case.

I am convinced it's all the protein he still gets whether it's from the beans added to every veggie meal, or the eggs and chicken and beef and and fish. (Ok, he's not such a fish fan....trout is kind of bleh. He likes salmon better. I'm going to post a list later of his fave foods for my own records, no time now.)

And maybe I mentioned he got his first tooth?

Yeah, it broke through on New Year's Eve, and since then he has gotten that one and five more.

Yeah, five.

Six teeth in 25 days is bloody awful, I have to tell you. Baby Tempra, Tylenol, and Infant Motrin, especially the non-staining kind are my friends and his, people. Seriously in love.

He can also scoot backwards on his tummy, now, and sit up no problem, and pull up. He is trying to pull up and walk while holding onto people! Amazing.

I'm working on kiddieproofing and gates and reorganizing stuff so that when he really starts moving, I can relax and not worry he'll play with the french knives. Or rip into the computer cables.

Gotta go, have to pick up a sick kid. I-yiiii

Still here

I just realized that I'd left that awful post up, and yes things were insane, but slowly, they are improving. Julius has a cold, but it's getting better, same for mine. I've done some shopping, and I need to do more but oh well.

Thing is, I gave my nanny a few days off this week because her mom is going to the Philippines at Xmas for six months, and she wanted to spend some time with her. So I'm going a little nuts all by myself. No my husband isn't here, are you joking, he's still closing friggin deals. Likely he'll still work on Xmas if anyone will let him!! Back to the nanny issue-I'm referring to my nanny as the Nanny, by the way, simply because I'm out of blog names. IRL I do call her by her first name, as she requested, just in case someone assumes I call her "Nanny" in real life, a ridiculous idea.

I used to be the big daycare fan, never was going to use a nanny, blah blah blah, but schlepping one child to daycare is a lot easier and cheaper than schlepping three around. Plus, you can only work 9 to 5, and daycare spots at a good daycare are as scarce as hen's teeth in this country and stunningly expensive. Crappy daycare I can find, but a good daycare? Very very difficult. When we had our first two in a great top flight daycare, it was literally more expensive than a mortgage on a 600K house. (I figured it out one day when I was bitter.)

I am so lucky I found my nanny, and she really helps make my entire life run a lot smoother. Lots of people have mixed stories about nannies and some hate them, and some love them, but I think it also relates to how you treat them and pay them. For example, it turns out that I am one of the few employers on the planet who actually pays overtime, stat holiday pay and vacation pay. We give her a bus pass and a cell phone, because we expect her to have one when she has our kids and is taking them on the TTC or to the park, or the drop-in. (Literally, we treat cells, etc. like work equipment, just like at my husband's business. He subsidizes his other employee's work equipment, why not hers?) We want her to drive, so we're paying for driving lessons, etc. And we make sure she has a break during the day and gets lunch. And if I'm not home to relieve her, I have found another nanny in the neighbourhood and I get them to trade off covering each other, and I pay for it, so they each get some break time.

Apparently, lots of people treat their nannies like slaves, and then are shocked when the nanny isn't their best friend. Now, sure some people don't get along with others regardless, and there will always be poor job fits, but still----why on earth would you ever mistreat a human being who is entrusted with your precious child?

I don't know, people who are crappy to nannies mystify me. I figure if she's happy, then she'll be great to my kids, and they'll be happy, and I'll be able to leave my house on occasion and not worry. Right?

So, that said, I have to run and shop, or Christmas ain't happening. Back as soon as I can be.

If you have the time and are so inclined, what do you do for childcare? Cost? If you couldn't stay at home, (or wouldn't want to) what would your dream child care option be?

bury the lede

The government is prorogued and doing absolutely fuck all for the economy because Harper doesn't believe in government spending. I wonder how he'll feel when massive numbers of people on EI drain his damn treasury instead of contributing taxes for it? Or when they get depressed and go to health care providers and charge up the system?

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Also, the vast majority of Liberal Party bloggers, members, and the national media are utterly incapable of reading either the Elections Canada Act or the Liberal Party constitution. They just keep proposing ideas for a leadership process and panicking and shitting themselves. Instead of, you know, READING WHAT THE LAW ALLOWS. I for one, refuse to fucking keep clarifying it for them. Morons. If you ever wondered why I don't feed into Liblogs blog aggregator for my political posts, this inside baseball echo chamber is the exact reason. The national news media? Even worse. Double sourcing? Bah.

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Exams are coming up this week, and I'd love to post about how hard Kaz is working and how great his new school is, but I can't. He barely has to study. The materials, the subjects, hell the entire curriculumn is a joke.

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Julius is nursing a bit more, but really is screaming in terror into my breast as he goes to sleep. Lovely. My baby cries out in fear at the mere sight of his mother's chest. Just what I wanted for Christmas.

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I am exhausted and we have lots to do, but my husband, without asking me, keeps inviting his entire family over to dinner. Without asking me. They are lovely and sweet people and I don't mind hanging out with them, but why can't we ever just order a damn pizza? Why can't we go out to dinner to a restaurant?

Did I mention that he never even consulted me?

Yah.

Hard to slam him though, considering that his brother in Europe will either be dead or in a locked hospital facility by morning.

Say a prayer. Just don't ask me which outcome you should pick...personally I'm leaving it up to God. Let him decide--fucker seems to just want my BIL to suffer.

Too tired

Too many things going on.

My tooth lost a filling last week and I went to the dentist to get it fixed. Spent too long in the chair Monday. Yesterday, I realized that my jaw hurt like a mofo and I went back.

Skin sores on the gums. Viral or maybe stress induced possibly. Blech.

It's all Harpers fault.

Ok, maybe I can't blame my dental issues on him. But dammit, if he gets to pick up his ball and go home just because he's losing the game, then all the rules are changed and weaseldom rules.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

Next thing, we wait until January to get a goddamn budget now. Only good point to me? The Conservatives are dead in Quebec, permanently for all time. After the Quebec bashing they just engaged in---they will never ever ever ever get another seat there. And lots of those middle of the road votes will come to the Liberals. And Harper is toast in his own party after all the dictatorial bullshit he has engaged in. You see, Steve does not play well with others.

Like since kindergarten.

So about my sore mouth? My dentist lasered away the dead tissue and it feels much much better. He says it should be healed by tomorrow. Yayyy lasers. Funnily enough, they are the same kind used to erase wrinkles and age spots. At least my mouth will be young and good-looking. Well, just my gums. Still....if that's how easy and painless it is, I think I'm really going to get some work done. Remove a few age spots, smooth out a couple of tired bits, maybe get that stress-free relaxed look. Honest, it was completely painless.

I should write more about Julius' new diet, we started him on solids, and no I don't follow those rules either. (Gee, big surprise, like I EVER follow the rules. Heh) They were all written by formula companies anyway. Have you ever tasted anything worse than baby rice cereal? I haven't! So I skipped it. Fuck that noise. I figure the Joy of Cooking is a better source for recipes that taste delish. I've got the slow cooker out, my baby food grinder, my blender, and my freezer trays and I'm cooking up a storm.

Since Sunday we've done baked sweet potatoes, fresh peas, green beans, avocado, squash, applesauce, blueberries, bananas, oatmeal, carrots, broccoli, mushrooms, and my special bean recipe. (Most of the veggies were steamed and mashed, or lightly sauteed in olive oil and cut up in teeny tiny pieces with my french knife.) Yes, olive oil for a baby, why not? I don't add salt, but I do add sage, thyme, maybe some garlic, etc. Applesauce is yummier with a touch of cinnamon and nutmeg, don't you agree?

The bean recipe is really Teh Coolest Shit Evah. The purpose of the beans is to add some nutritious protein and fiber to baby style veggies which really have a lot of water and don't have any calories to fill the kid up. That baby cereal doesn't, and neither does fruit, so of course, until you add meat or milk products or a dense food like beans, the kid is still eating just as much breast milk or formula as they did before. And if you are going to pay for food and spoon it bit by bit in the kid's mouth, shouldn't it have some sort of purpose beyond making you work hard?

Anyway, I use navy beans, but you can use whatever kind you like. Before bed, I do the usual soaking overnight of beans, 3 cups water per 1 cup beans. (I make a big portion in my largest pot, so really I do 12 cups water for 4 cups beans.) In the morning, rinse them, add more water, toss in a bouquet garni for flavour, then cook for 10 hours on low in the slow cooker while you are at work or blogging or taking the baby for a walk.

When the beans are tender, but not mush, remove from heat, take out the bouquet, pour out most of the water, and start squishing. (You can add the herbs in as you squish if you prefer. I add mine just before serving.) For large quantities, use the blender or food processor, but with these beans, add water as needed, and mash in small quantities. They can be so thick that you will burn out the engine on your machine if you get too ambitious. You should have a good bean paste when you are done. Then stick small portions in ice cube trays and let it freeze. When it's frozen solid, pop them out and put the little cubes in Ziploc bags.

Then whenever you serve a cube of veggies like carrots or squash, add in a cube of beans. Same for fruit, or anything else that needs a boost. You may need to add a touch of water to smooth it out and blend it in, but it should work well. 4 cups of dried beans makes about 50 cubes of beans, which should last 6-8 weeks.

Tomorrow, I'm going to make him an organic chicken. I'm going to brown it in oil first, then cook it upside down in the slow cooker with onions, mushrooms, celery, herbs, and some broth. Then I'm going to debone it, and chop the meat very finely and mix it in with the broth and veggies. And again, portion it in my freezer. It should make about 4 weeks worth.

Next week, poached salmon with dill. And yes, so far he loves everything. Practically licks the bowl. And no he has no allergies so far either. I won't be doing anything like cow's milk or wheat for a little while, but other than that, I'm taking it one day at a time.

Ta toots. Time to sleep.

Schadenfreude

Once again, I am trying to listen to my better angel. Considering all the chaos with Liberal/NDP coalition and the Tories fighting for time, you can just imagine that I am glued to the television and computer and news reports. I am trying to be calm and content and wait and see, very mature and reasonable but really, secretly, I am giggling with glee and I want to do a victory dance!!!

AND JUMP UP AND DOWN LIKE A TWO YEAR OLD!!!

But I won't.

Bad me. Terrible. Very very immature. Must restrain self. Show respect for process.

WHILE FREAKING OUT AT HOW AWESOME THIS MIGHT BE!!!

Heh

Ok, on to other stuff. I was feeling a bit calmer because I had tweaked my hormones a touch. I added some progesterone because mine was close to zero, and it has made me feel a bit better. This is good because Friday night and Sunday night we had massive fights with Kaz, over pretty much nothing. Puberty in pre-teen son + premature menopause in mother = sucky house.

Julius' helmet is going well. We slowly upped the time spent in the helmet to 18-20 hours and he now sleeps overnight. The reason btw, that he wears it only 18-20 hours a day as opposed to 24 is because this particular design covers his head on top, except for some vent holes, an adjustable slot with a tightening band, and it goes down the back of the neck to just above the shoulders. This prevents tummy time and riding in some car seats. (Our car seat works with the helmet, not all do.) So he needs tummy time on the floor sans helmet in the morning for an hour or two, and then we do dinner, bath, and bedtime for an hour or two in the evening before it goes back on for sleep. Too much time in this kind of helmet can cause problems with sores on the head due to rubbing. Some helmets are open on top but his head has a pitch that is high in the back and slopes forward, plus we need to deal with the forehead, so this is the one we had to go with.

Have I mentioned the nasty superior comments that are slipping from the mouths of every parent who sees him. Sigh..."I made sure I changed my babies position regularly. Didn't you know to do that? You should have done that. Poor kid, too bad he has to suffer like that."

Nice.

If you see a news report about a woman with a helmeted baby randomly slapping people who speak to her, it's me. Raise bail please. Thanks.

Okay, really I can handle those people.~~~~~~~

(Yes, part of this post did disappear at some point....just in case anyone ever finds the blog. They are nice people I was talking about, just a little unwell in the head. In the meantime, rescue me from the schadenfreude, please.)

Histrionic

My life has never been so frigging nuts until lately. I really don't get it. Busy sure---but now I have no time to read the paper, shower, surf blogs. Hell, I haven't had a pedicure or manicure since Lala was here. And I'm "home" with a nanny. And I live a 3 minute walk from a nail bar.

Monday was a very unhappy day, and Tuesday was Julius' six month birthday, but as I ran madly from one place to another, I realized that it wasn't much of a way to celebrate. We got his shots, he's 20 pounds, and 27.5 inches I think. (Can't find the paper it's written on? Hopefully he's that big.) After speaking to the Doc I decided to delay starting solids for another week or two until we get him used to the helmet. I really don't want him to have any negative feelings about food, and if he hates the helmet, and then associates the two? Ughhh.

Anyway, it won't kill him to wait. Not like kids need solid food at this point anyway. Mostly just extra work for Moms, IMO. It's nowhere near the calorie content of breastmilk or formula so when my older two started it, they actually lost weight at first. Kaz got food allergies, and Mac got gas and indigestion, so hell, delaying a week or two is just fine by me.

Julius clung to me the rest of the day while I exchanged emails with people re. Kaz and Mac's assessments and appointments to deal with their medication, etc. etc.. Dinner, scooping kids to bed, yelling about homework, and chatting to Kaz about some minor incident with a basketball, and then I seem to have collapsed on my bed with my contacts still pasted to my eyeballs. Baby up a few times to eat, drag back to bed.

Woke up Wednesday morning, went into kids rooms with medication and glasses of water. Mac took his, went to get dressed.

I go into Kaz's room and he----completely fucking fell apart with a histrionic temper tantrum that blew the doors off half the house. He started freaking that he wasn't taking the higher dose, even though he has been taking it for a week and a half now, and he liked it so far. (Note: this is the first time ever, that he has refused to take his medication. Ever.) Apparently, the basketball from the day before, had hit him in the face, and he blamed the medication for making him so focused that he missed the ball. He figures that from now on, if he ever takes that dose of medication again, he will be injured, "just like with the basketball."

And if you can figure out that fucked up logic, I'll give you a gold star, because to this moment, I think it's stupid. Random events happen. Too much focus that means you can't focus? Wha? And if he had been that injured by a ball, I'd have gotten a call from the school, or an email, so was it really that bad?

I tried to tell him it was dumb luck, just a coincidence, highly unlikely to ever happen again. He however, had his mind set on it, and was crying, and yelling, and blowing snot out his nose, and running all over the house, screaming at me. The baby finally woke up, and I had to juggle him, and try to keep him calm while Mr. Puberty/OverSensitive hid in the corner of the bathroom snuffling and sobbing bitterly about his mother and how she JUST DIDN'T UNDERSTAND HIM!!!!

You know three year olds with tantrums make you want to rip your hair out? Wait until the little bastards turn twelve, and are as tall as you. You will seriously consider boarding school.

Mr.Cotta finally stepped in and prevented me from committing homicide or saying anything like, "You are grounded for life and Christmas is cancelled!" (I like to stick to what I say when I say it, but that would suck to enforce.) He made him take his medication, told him we don't debate that in the morning, but can talk about it later, and took him to school, and promised to pick him up so I wouldn't have to see his sulky little face. I was so emotionally wrung out after that, it took me hours to really calm down.

You see, Kaz picked today of all days, Julius' final helmet fitting day, to freak out. You know, the helmet for baby flat head, aka positional plagiocephaly, I spent almost the entire day at the hospital, getting the helmet, holding the baby while he screamed, waiting for the helmet to be cut and fitted, and sawed, and sanded. Learning how to put it on him and take it off, clean it and prep the baby's head....trust me, today of all days, was not the day for Kaz to go into puberty.

In the end, Julius got his helmet, and it fits nicely, and he isn't screaming when it's on. Mind you, we can't put it on him fast. It's a slow process over 3-7 days to avoid giving him blisters on his head. First, a few hours at a time while he's awake, then longer, then while he naps, then after a few days, while he sleeps at night. Eventually, we do 18 hours a day, maybe 20.

Sigh.

I have to go now and sleep before tomorrow's insane day starts. Fuck I'm tired.

Dunking in water

Some of you may remember that my husband baptized Julius in the NICU while I was still passed out cold getting stitched. And although technically it still 'takes' the same as if a priest does it, I like things done nice and officially. Or at least I like to have witnessed it after all the pain and agony to get the little bugger.

Well, yesterday we poured water on his head, and made him cry, just like good Catholics should. Priest and congregation all watched and witnessed. (Only bummer, they wrote my maiden/adoptive name instead of my married name on the baptismal certificate, bizarre considering I've never gone by it as long as they've known me, and am registered with the parish in my married name. WTF is it with people not calling me by the name I've decided to call myself? Anyway, they will fix it, and send us a new one.)

Then we had a huge party at the house, catered and bartended. We've always done this stuff ourselves, cooking and serving drinks and running around included, but this was easier what with 3 kids etc. That was the excellent part of the week.

Sunday we lazed around, made the kids do twenty minutes of homework, and then played Monopoly. I won! I never win! Kaz was a little upset when I forced him into bankruptcy, but he had landed on a property I owned and owed me major rent. Then he had refused to take the deal I offered him, which involved him giving me some of his properties and permanent immunity/free rent on Boardwalk and Park Place, which he would still own, with hotels. He could have kept his cash and lived to play another day, but he told me he'd rather die than give his mother his hard earned real estate, so the die was cast.

Yes, we take Monopoly seriously in this house.

Today was not so good. Today was the day that we met with the school regarding Kaz and what kind of work he can expect to get at his new school. Can they move him up a few grades, and give him more challenging work? Can they give him some help with creative writing? Help him stay organized?

Short answer--No.

In direct opposition of what the psychologist wrote, the school is dismissing the words gifted, because they figure all children at the school are bright. Not from what I have seen, maybe some are better than B students, but its pretty much average as students go. They also figure that their curriculum is very enriched as it is. I'm not sure how they figure that when it's just the same old crappy Ontario public school curriculum, unlike our previous private school, which was academic boot camp on steroids. But boy did this school official latch onto any and all learning issues she could find. She spent an hour and a half hacking away at my kid and everything she could find in the report. Any little thing she could latch onto that was negative was the sole focus of her recommendations. If he wants extra help, he'll have to go to her--a non-starter when she has nothing positive like more interesting work to offer. And because the Doc wrote the word gifted on page 2 instead page 6, she figured it wasn't part of the diagnosis, even though it SAYS IT IN THE REPORT. I had to insist to get her to agree that the word on page 2 spelled "G-I-F-T-E-D" actually was worthy of discussion. She actually said,"Well, this is a much better report than your old one because this one focuses on your sons many problems. The old one just talked about his abilities."

WTF? Neither report said that at all! Project much?

Seriously, as time passes, I am more and more convinced that she must have been smoking something before we came in.

We hadn't given her the version of the report that discussed ADHD. I had gotten a bad feeling from her, a whiff of prejudice, so I thought it prudent to just give her the edited version. Reality is that all ADHD issues/symptoms disappear in Kaz when he takes medication. (Same is true for most ADDers.) So as along as he takes long-acting medication, there is no need for the school to ever know. And considering the fight it appears I have on my hands, I am sooo glad I never trusted her. God knows what kind of crap she would have subjected him too. As it is, she kept asking and hinting and implying all sorts of things that were not written in the friggin' report.

I haven't given up completely. The psychologist is willing to speak to her on the phone and go to bat for us and do whatever he can to convince them that Kaz needs them to follow his recommendations. He was pretty mad when I told him the story, so I know that I have at least one ally.

Anyway, it all makes me cry. I can't believe the psychologist was right. He said that for any child who is different in any way, gifted, or LD, or amazingly talented or physically disabled, or musical, or geeky or whatever----high school will a test of endurance, a hellish experience of mediocrity and conformity to be survived until the longed for day when university can begin.

I thought that maybe things had changed. I guess not.

Crap.

In case you were wondering, no I don't recommend this school to anyone. The things I haven't written on this blog about this school would fill another entire blog. Seriously. And we can't transfer out. Ever. My poor sweet husband is so utterly totally devoted to the idea that his son will go this school, that he would never agree to change schools. Even if it is the absolute wrong fit for his actual son and not his projected fantasy child, he won't budge.

Remind anyone of the summer camp debacle?

Blueish

I'm a bit down right now. My hormones seem to be a bit off. I don't know if it's my thyroid again, or my estrogen but I'm dragging my rear I tell ya.

It could also be the lack of sunshine. Or the overwhelming sense of anxiety I feel today.

Last Saturday we went out to dinner with a very nice couple we like, but they started to bicker over something minor at one point, and my husband and I jollied them out of it, but now, I haven't spoken to her at all this week, and I'm beginning to wonder if something went wrong? Everyone seemed happy?

Monday Julius got measured for his helmet. It was unpleasant to say the least.
Nothing like draping a baby in wet slimy plaster to induce screaming in him.
Hell, nothing like presenting mommy with a bill for $1500 to induce screaming in her.
(Yes, this is considered cosmetic, and therefore not covered by public health insurance. Because children with funny looking bent heads will never be bullied on the playground....eyeroll....issue #873456137 on my list of shit to fix in government....)

Tuesday I finally got the paperwork in for my passports and the childrens' passports. With absolutely no fucking help at all from my husband, who had promised me that HE WOULD HELP. Grrrrr. Anyway, I spent the entire time in the Immigration building convinced that I would be stopped by the guards and given a *special* government cavity search. Mostly because every single time I have ever been in a government building Very Bad Things have happened to me. (I was shaking, polite, and whispering the entire time, hard to believe, but true, I don't rant every second of the day.)

At one point they insisted that I need to have my adoptive name on my passport, except of course for that whole "legal" name change to another name. Ummm, HELLO, I changed it!?! I swear, if it comes back wrong, I'm going to change my last name to "Passport Canada sucks donkey balls" and then get THAT on my passport. That'll show em, right?

Ok, maybe not.

Actually, I'm more concerned right now about Julius' photo. There was a teeny little wrinkle in the background blanket behind him which may screw the photo. His expression was perfect, and blank, and fit all the regs. Yes, I got a baby to behave perfectly and pose nice, no drugs involved. But apparently that is not good enough. Teeny tiny babies must BEHAVE dammit. Here's hoping the wrinkle in space passes scrutiny.

Poor Kaz, though has the worst end of the stick. He alone will be required to carry his long form birth certificate at all times, or his passport will be invalid. The other children, will not have to do that. The reason, as I've discussed, before, is that we were not married when Kaz was born. We got married afterwards. The rules say that all children born to unmarried parents, aka bastards, must carry proof of parentage, because the department believes they are at higher risk of parental kidnapping than children born in wedlock. There is no statistical proof of this, by the way. Lots of parents get divorced and have custody issues, none of which the department can ever discover unless an opposing lawyer notifies them. Basically, they treat common law couples like criminals in waiting, and married couples like they are always perfect and innocent.

This leads to the bizarreness that says that my husband and I are quite likely to kidnap and transport across the border our oldest son, but fuck the other ones, who cares about those little buggers, right? We'll just dump them in a ditch, correct? Sigh...in case you are wondering, I asked, and they will be placing a note on Kaz's passport that denotes that he is different from the other children and must carry a long form birth certificate, along with notarized letters attesting that we "share" custody.

We don't have to do that for the other children.

Even though Kaz can speak and discuss and argue points as perfectly as an adult can. He stays in the house by himself. He has a cellphone. He can go on the subway by himself. He has his own bank account and manages his own money. If a cop or a customs officer asked him if he was with the right person, he'd answer properly.

Even though Mac is pretty naive at eight, not old enough to stay alone even for five minutes, and Julius is small enough for someone to pick up and carry away---no one will ever ask who their parents are or if they are at risk for being kidnapped.

None of it matters, because their slutty mother wasn't married before she gave birth to the first kid. Sigh....well at least I'm in good company. heh

I pick up the passports on December 2nd. Supposedly. We'll see.

Final bit o anxiety....I made the mistake of trusting someone I've known for years in the meat world with my add diagnosis. I came out and it was a dumb mistake, now they won't speak to me. Won't return emails or phone calls. I'm no longer a person to them. Back in the closet for me. Just praying this person won't out me now.

Scuse me, I need to go be scared of my own shadow now....

I don't want to do anything

I have paperwork and organizing and emailing and a zillion other things to do, and frankly I'd rather not do any of it.

Is it bad that I just want to curl up and pretend the universe isn't doing anything, and it doesn't matter if I ever get my calendar and contacts up to date?

And I'm behind on blogs too, because I just can't keep up with NaBloMoPo reading, never mind commenting, and I haven't even started in on Christmas preparation. I am annoyed at how my blog looks and I'd love to do a makeover and update my blog list and what have you, but that would be risky and require concentration and I'm just plain out of that. (Even if I hired someone to do it, they'd likely want me to tell them what to do, and I have NO creative ideas right now, none.) My husband wants me to get some things done around the house, like get the dining room chairs repaired, but that requires an entire day long separation from the baby or schlepping him around to fabric stores, plus he wants me to go buy a new stove, but he doesn't want to pick it out. Which means I will likely buy the wrong one. And I am having more passport trouble, and I can't find a decent vacation place for Christmas for five, everything is for four. Unless we skip school and go in February or January. Crap....

I think I'm also in a bit of a bad mood because lately, I've been taking some risks and telling people what I think, gently and politely phrased, but still, being honest, and it's not always a good idea. I think the world appreciates liars better.

Mostly, it's the hot flashes. My estrogen wasn't supposed to drop this quickly while I was still breastfeeding exclusively, and yet, here I am, sweaty and hot and having temperature issues and cranky and irritated. I had some estrogen and started taking it again, but then I ran out and now I can't see my GP til next week to get a new scrip. (It's not exactly an emergency in their books...I get it, but still, crap!) Ovarian failure sucks, and not just on the pregnancy front.

Plus, the baby is up teething, or something....he just doesn't want to sleep. I can handle him getting up once at night, but 5-6 times is killing me. I don't know if his room is too cold, or the Grobag is letting his arms flap in his face. He broke out of his swaddle blanket a few weeks ago and I switched him over to the Grobag, but other than making an extra large swaddle blanket with industrial strength velcro, I have no idea what to do. He's nineteen pounds and strong as an ox, but he can't quite roll over both ways all alone, so I doubt anything will work that I buy. (He can roll over from front to back, but not quite back to front. Almost.)

Okay, I have to go do some stuff for the baptism party we are planning for him. The party I have NO motivation to plan for, but have to do since it's coming up.

I just feel like crap.

nope, not me

I'm not blogging about the US election, since every last personal blogger I read has already written about it. For once, the shoe is on the other foot, and I am secretly full of glee about it. See, I know that every time I blog about politics, you all roll your eyes and wonder, "What the hell is she talking about now?" and "Not again, can't she just talk about her vagina like the rest of us do?"

So about my vagina....
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HA FOOLED YOU.

No vajayjays here. Move along now.

*Chuckle at own joke*


Got that out of my system, now can I just say that this helmet business is no fun? My darling babies' ears are uneven and his head slants forward slightly and there is a dent in the back. I know because many measurements and pictures were taken, and then a very nice Orthotics person at Sick Kids explained to my incredulous husband that it was a moderate dent, (as opposed to mild or severe) but definitely there and that Julius would look like this for life if we didn't do it, and that he would never properly fit bicycle helmets or hockey helmets without extra padding and fitting, and that yes it was cosmetic, but it is so noticeable that it would not be covered up by hair.

Now picture me and the nanny sitting in the corner looking at each other in horror because we can't believe that could happen to OUR Julius, and we can't believe the grilling that Mr.Cotta is giving to the guy, like somehow Ortho's in it for the profit and is running around sticking helmets on perfectly good heads just to make a quick buck. Gah.....not that I want a helmet either, but once the guy confirmed that the aggressive head positioning we were engaged in was doing nothing, *weeps* I decided to just say do it. And in the end, so did Mr.C.

So what if we have to spend the next 6 months hidden indoors praying that no one ever looks funny at us. Or points their fingers at us. Or laughs at us. Or makes my mother bear instincts come out. Cause I'm bad like that. I'm the woman with the tire iron in her purse who goes nuclear if someone looks mean at her kid. Sigh....not cool. *Must control self*

Oh, and about my last posts---after much researching, and talking to a few people IRL I have discovered that when the word "gifted" comes up many many many people begin to act like assholes and apparently the advice I'm supposed to follow is to never talk about it IRL, but instead only on firewalled passworded forums so that random trolls do not call me a grasping/boasting/stage/managing/faker/elitist/pushy mother. (Yes, some people actually say that mean shit!)

But since I'm already the adoptee who talks not so nicely about adoption, and the infertile who talks about vaginas, and the grieving mama who talks about dead babies, and the pro-choice woman who aborted a wanted & loved but dying child, and the crazy hyper chick with ADD who gladly takes speed and tells the world that ritalin rocks and trolls everywhere haven't kicked my ass off the net just yet---oh fuck it, I may as well talk about this here too.

Specially since my real life friends are having funny reactions, and God do I need to vent.

One lady--lovely kind, encouraging.

Next one--helpful, kind of vague, then started telling me how that's the new "in" thing, and was this a new trend? Is that why I "did it?" I'm like--"Did what? Huh?"

Another---jealous beyond description and so desperate to compare numbers against her own kid and herself, that she started to breathe funny. Then starts to tell me how she knows EVERYTHING about gifted kids and everyone in her family is gifted and they are all experts and I must do it all HER way and this is the perfect school, not the one we are in. Froth is forming at the corners of her mouth....I back slowly away.....

An education professional---tells me I should give up on the entire system and homeschool. Commence eyerolling. I would suck at that. I know me well enough to know that for sure!

For me, it's sort of like I thought my kid was a duck, a nice little duck, and then one day I take him to a Doctor and he turns out to be a completely different animal like an octopus, but everyone around me is saying, hey great, he's like a swan! But he isn't a swan, he's an octopus.

Meanwhile, I have no books and no training on how to raise an octopus.

Like that list of things I did that are not PC to talk about---I mostly wrote that because I wanted you all to laugh, and to know that I'm not the crazy pushy mom, and no one has to be. My kids do some sports at school, but not rep hockey or competitive swimming or anything extensive like that. They go to camp in the summer, they go to church occasionally. They eat sort of crap and sort of good. They've never done Kumon or anything like that. They go to a private school, but it's nothing fancy, they have good academics, but it's not a crazy homework place. My kids just sort of came out like this, and damned if I know how. My only enforced rule with them is that the most important thing is to be kind to others. (Ok, and no wrestling near the china cabinet.)

And really, of all the things that mystify me about this situation, it's the world's refusal to believe that the universe makes some people different, different in ways we don't understand completely, but still real, still standing here in front of me. Some of us are mentally ill, and some of us are calm and even as still waters. Isn't what matters most, what people do in the world with their very different brains?

Cause some of us have bent heads and some of us have round ones.

And some Presidents are white and some Presidents are black, but what really matters in the end is if they are kind to others, right?

Right.

In case any of you need this....

Thought I'd just share an idea a friend passed on to me...Kaz is going to do this for Halloween night, although he is still trying to figure out if it's cool to wear at costume at 12! (I think it is, but to him?) Mac is going out as Mario from Nintendo, and Julius is going to be a pumpkin. (All babies are pumpkins I think....)

Anyway, if you are looking for a cheap, easy to do, last minute adult or child costume, that is unique, get a pair of dark pants, a dark long sleeved shirt, a bunch of safety pins, a pile of socks, mismatched, and left overs are great. Pin the socks all over the shirt and pants, trying to make sure they are not in pairs, but are random.

And voila!

You are "The place in the dryer where lost socks go!"

Feel free to copy, he's likely going to be too cool to do it...eyeroll...