The real big winner

Lord, I am such a star it's a wonder the world doesn't just imitate everything I do.

Sigh....

Before I explain why, an update, Julius is feeling much better. We switched antibiotics last Friday and his fever is now completely gone and his ear seems better. He's off his schedule, but it's fixable. So that is the good news.

On to my tales of woe, last Friday, I got my Form 6 in for a delegate spot for the Liberal Party Leadership at the very last second on earth, and discovered later that my husband had gotten confused and thought that I was going alone, but since it's April 30th-May 3rd, Julius will only be 11 months and still breastfeeding and there is no way I'm going without him. Except for the fact that my nanny can't come since she is going to be elsewhere, and the Liberals generally don't provide childcare at conventions. And now I am either stuck trying to find a nanny out in Vancouver who can watch him in the hotel room while I go out to parties and he is sound asleep, or at least someone to help me during the day so I get to eat and shower and pay attention to the speakers.

And of course, my husband has to agree to let me take the baby all that way. He is hesitant because when I've taken one of the kids to a convention before, it was really crappy and I did not enjoy myself at all. And the baby at the time, Kaz, had his schedule all screwed up by the end. Not fun for him either. Mr.C. could take care of him, and I'd just leave frozen milk, but I'm not sure that will be so great.

Thing is, I went to a conference when Mac was 11 months old and left him behind, and hauled a breastpump with me all over god's green acre, and missed him terribly and that wasn't much fun either. I missed loads of stuff because I was pumping in my room all the time, and because I couldn't freeze it and it was too many days, in the end I had to dump the milk I pumped, which killed me. I don't mind breastfeeding in public, and dammit, nobody better even try to stop me, but I am not going to use a breast pump in the middle of the convention floor. That would just not work.

I'd been mentally preparing myself to be away from Julius for BlogHer in July and thought that would work since he would be a little older, and breastfeeding a lot less, if at all, but this feels just too soon, you know?

Stupid Liberal Party.....gahhhh, and they wonder why so few women and men of parenting age show up at these things. They have loads of singles, and young people and old ones, but almost no women between the ages of 25-45 ever show up at these things. If they do, they are mostly staff. (Based on my observations anyway.) Honestly, I am going to have to fight to get to bring my breastfeeding baby into the individual meetings.....some idiot will likely make me pay an observer fee for him! Which means I either miss some debates because I am somewhere pumping, or I miss the debates because I am feeding him outside the door, straining to hear. The NDP has fabulous free childcare, pretty much round the clock, and it let's all babies and small children into conventions whereever parents go. They have had it for over twenty years with huge success, but that would be waayyy to progressive for the Liberals, practically socialist, so that's a no go.

Oy.

A smarter person would have checked this out sooner and made better plans....fuck I am stupid.

Plus we put off taking a vacation for so long that my husband is not thrilled by the selection and price, even though we have one of my blog readers who is a travel agent, Jackie, working her tail off for us, trying to find us a deal. She is doing a fabulous job, but even she can't make a five star all inclusive resort in the high season suddenly drop it's price to nothing. He is slowing accepting this, sort of like he is slowly accepting the fact that when your roof falls in, you might have to renovate. You know?

More Oy.

Again, a smarter person would have checked it out and done a better job, maybe gone in February. I am stupid.

And bound to get stupider. Last night after the Oscars, I was sprawled on our bed, half asleep. My hubs comes in the room and I awake with a start---and smack my head right on the glass corner of the night table. I howled in pain, grabbed my head and saw blood. My husband ran for a cold cloth and ice, but I suddenly realized there wasn't just a little blood, but a giant gusher and ran to the washroom. After we cleaned up what must have been pints and pints of blood, we figured it was only a tiny cut, (the head is a veiny place, yes?). Bigger problem, I think I have a concussion, and with my crummy osteoporotic bones, likely a hairline fracture. Definitely a headache and dizzy anyway.

So there you are folks, don't you want to be just like me? Yeah, I thought not.

Oy

So my new theory on why I am in so much pain after having the baby is a doozy, and one I hope that you will help me figure out--seeing as my Docs are not very creative. Apparently if I just get out and exercise and move a lot, that will fix everything. Except that it doesn't. I have a few stiff muscles and then I get up and get a shower and stretch and they are okay, and I am still doing exercises for physio for my stomach diastesis and they are working.

But the pain is still there, some days worse than others, sometimes livable, other days a terrible searing ache from my toes to my fingers and all the way up my back and neck. The kind of pain that makes you think about lying still and never ever moving again, if only for a little relief. And then on the weekend, I read this story about low levels of Vitamin D and chronic pain.

And then I remembered that last year I had been assessed as having low levels of vitamin D in my blood, and put on a higher level of supplements. And that my osteoporosis was likely worse because of the pregnancy and breastfeeding, even if I had taken lots of Caltrate and extra D. And I didn't take enough because lots of days I skipped it because I felt nauseous or my heartburn was bad. (I don't drink milk because I'm lactose intolerant, so I need even more, bad me....) So now I'm wondering if I am just low on D or if I have developed osteomalacia.

Rickets for grownups that is. Read the link, and if you are on bedrest or confined during pregnancy or on a special diet for pregnancy, or fertility treatment---you might want to do what I'm going to do and get a blood test for Vit D and calcium levels. My own GP is away on vacation right now, so the substitute Doc gave me a requisition and included several dozen other blood tests. I'm not sure if any of this will show anything but if I have this at least there is a cure, and maybe just maybe, it won't be so painful to get up in the morning.

So what do you all think? Is this really possible? What about all of you? Do you guys get enough D and calcium?

And we have a verdict!

It's either a bruised or a cracked rib. Definitely okay on the placenta and definitely okay on the kidneys....only one little wee problem.

My ribs hurt like a motherf---er. Pass the codeine, and see you in the morning.

This kid must have the strongest feet and legs of any in utero entity ever. Definitely a runner, or a linebacker material. I just wish he'd learn to be gentle with his poor osteoporosis-prone mother.

- I have to do something with this list in the previous post, because I know it's great to have a list somewhere for someone who is searching and also simply for the fact that it doesn't really exist anywhere else.

So if I get ambitious I'll consolidate it into one post and link it on my sidebar. Of course considering how tired I am, that may be a fantasy.

- Pssst, by the way, Megan is pregnant again, she comments on my blog and on a few of yours, but doesn't have a blog of her own. On that last post, she told me in the comments! Congratulations Megan! We have to go out for a ginger ale to celebrate hon! I'd offer to buy you a beer, but you know how it is, eh?

- In other news, I am so happy that NaBloPo fuckin' Mo is over I CANNOT tell you. I cannot read this many people posting and such great stuff. And comment? I just can't think up enough great stuff to say back. I may be just clicking all as read like Maggie suggested and starting fresh. Trouble is, I'm sure I've missed some major life events for some people now. Shit. I'm sorry.

- I finally went to Costco, and stocked up the freezer for the next millenium or the next miscarriage, which ever comes first. And bought Mac a Squawkers Macaw electronic parrot. Totally goddamn annoying, I put it in a darkened closet downstairs and it's still talking. A feature of this toy is that it repeats everything it hears. So far, it says "Shut up you stupid toy" and "Fuck me, how do I turn this thing off". I'm thinking I need to return it, or take a valium.

- I'm so impressed that Elizabeth Edwards commented on Tash's blog. And very very awesome list on that post. I love the line about the DeadBabyMama cocktail party. I want to hold one of those....I'm thinking some T.O. bloggers need to get together and have another sex toy shopfest, or just the cocktails?

- Today, I went to the Doctor alone, and since my appointment got switched, Mr.Cotta couldn't come. Baby has a heartbeat...and we have passed twelve weeks, now at 13 weeks. My doctor is nice, but boy he had a strange idea. He actually suggested exercising, with a personal trainer, someone he supervises directly who will come to my house. He is worried that with the osteoporosis I'll get worse because I'm not "exercising like normally", but sitting around since I am afraid to move. I still do a lot, if not hauling laundry and hockey bags anymore, I still put laundry away and tie skates, but who's kidding who here?

I wasn't sure how to break it to him that the only formal exercise I prefer to engage in is lifting a glass of wine to my lips. I switched to OJ recently but, really lifting a glass is just like lifting weights, isn't it?

Isn't it?

Anyway, I think I looked at him like he had an arm sticking out of his forehead, I was so shocked, but he assured me that he does this with all his high risk patients, even the ones on bed rest, can do some stuff lying down so they avoid losing too much muscle and bone mass. Hmmm, we'll see. The avoiding the gym part appeals to me. I don't like any of those tight fitting clothes they all wear, and most gyms seems to reek of competitive sports and narcissism. Or maybe it's just the horrid pickup lines I get. Whatever, I refuse to sweat in public. It's gauche. And it's nothing to do with sexism, I think it's terribly rude when anyone does it, male or female. If you wouldn't pee in public, or pick your nose, why would you willingly allow any bodily fluid loss to be witnessed by anyone other than your spouse or a licensed medical professional? Blech....in the privacy of a labour & delivery room, or your own home gym, sure, but running around on the street half-naked, soaking wet and ugly?

I mean really, all this body worship sort of reminds of the way evangelicals worship JAY-SUUUS, or the way tabloids worship the Britney trainwreck, or the way economists worship the "wisdom" of the stock market, all of which also make me feel uncomfortable. We can exercise for fun & fitness, or bike or whatever, normal stuff doesn't bother me, it's more the extreme esthetic of running snobbery or cycling until every last ounce of fat is gone, and so is every last ounce of kindness. Walking into those gyms, you know you aren't welcome unless you are already fit; no fat people allowed, and no flabby people allowed. Hell, no one allowed in who hasn't already drank the Kool-Aid.

Anyway, I know it will suck, but I'm willing to meet with the guy once. I'm not really sure where he thinks we could do this. There is no place in my house with enough floor space to do anything at all. Oh shit, and then I'd have to clean up just to have him come over.

Sigh...I'm already tired thinking of this. Time for bed.

Little bump in the road

First I am still feeling very happy and positive about my reproductive system.

BUT, my G.P. called today about the x-rays she had ordered last week on my foot. I knew it was broken, but I didn't get an x-ray on my foot at the teeny tiny town hospital two weeks ago because they didn't have a technician there who could do it until the next morning and I didn't feel like having Gomer Pyle poke at my naked foot any longer.

So I saw Dr.J. cause it still hurts and I couldn't bend my toes at all. She thought it might just be soft tissue damage and swelling bothering me, but she ordered an x-ray anyway.

I have three broken toes, not just one.

This picture might help illustrate. Basically, one of the two bones, (the bone at the tip) of my big toe is crushed, broken, squashed, whatever. And the second toe (The long one beside the big toe) has three bones. My second toe has a break in the bone on the bottom, nearest the base. My third toe has another break, middle section, but that's just a small fracture.

I learned the names!

Big toe break - Distal phalange
Second toe break - Proximal phalange
Third toe fracture - Middle phalange

See, not so hard, right? Bones not so hard that is....

It will take at least another four weeks to heal, then a couple of more weeks to gently learn how to bend at the joints. No more mad cleaning and organizing for me, I guess. I really should've been a little easier on myself, huh? Here I was thinking, oh, it's been a couple of weeks, I need to use it a bit, it's healed, blah blah blah, and damn that was a bad idea.

So, I'm just going to put my feet up on a pillow and relax. Maybe blog and surf a bit, or finally deal with all the photos I have that are supposed to be scanned in. Maybe buy some steel toed shoes in a sexy style?

Oh, and maybe plan my next vacation, somewhere soft and cushiony and padded.

Outta here

I stopped throwing up, but I never did stop swaying. And that was a bad thing, because a few days ago, I tripped on the outdoor steps, fell down them, and crashed, smashing my legs, foot, elbow, etc. etc.

I have a broken toe, multiple bruises and an absolute terror of the outdoors now.

Mr.Cotta fell too in a separate incident, bruised and banged up his foot, and his shin. Nothing broken thank God.

We were both stone cold sober btw, the steps, along with this entire house are built for extremely tall people, and I am short. The rise on these steps, combined with the gravel and log steps, makes for a difficult walk for anyone.

The water pump for the well broke the night before that, no clean water for hours. The landlord came quickly with a plumber, but it turned out that it was the electrical circuit that had become messed up. We had a choice, we could either have clean water, or have heat and power in the bunkie my son and his friend were sleeping in. It drops to 10 degrees Celsius (maybe 50 F I think?) at night in cottage country, so it was like choosing between a rock and a hard place. In the end, we hooked up the heater to the extension cord.

We're leaving early. Even he agrees, this was a debacle. He keeps muttering things like "filing a forty page cause of action when I get back to the office". I know he won't sue, but I wish he would at least get a refund. Sigh....

As God is my witness, I'm never going to a cottage again. Even a resort hotel anywhere rural or northern is iffy at this point. I'm too afraid.

Have to finish doing laundry & packing the car now. Even with a broken foot, the chores never end.

Well, maybe I spoke to soon

The kids are buried in TV, and my husband is back to work, so maybe I will have time for blogging? A little anyway, here and there.

Blogging in between scrubbing out every single drawer and cupboard and setting mousetraps; yes, apparently there WAS a small advantage to having cats. Some little creatures have apparently moved in, and need to be evicted now, buggers. Next jobs include getting in various repair people to help fix the nightmare that is my electrical, plaster work and plumbing. The woman who was supposed to come, hasn't, and in fact left for her vacation with just an email telling me that maybe she could stop by and fix a few things before. Plus she had lost my phone number. Annoying to say the least.

Anyway, in case you are wondering what has prompted this recent round of renovating, reorganizing and cleaning, basically I'm trying to fill in some time and keep myself occupied while I figure out what's going on with my wonky thyroid & reproductive system and contemplate going back to school. We can finally afford the tuition and I'd love to give it another go, even if I only do a couple of courses.

Plus, we can finally afford to do the major renovation we'd always wanted. (Or at least get the renovation loan & mortgage for it!) That will take a while to plan and get going though, (maybe a year before we break ground) and will probably include a stop at the Committee of Adjustment, and possibly the Ontario Municipal Board. Ever try to renovate in Ontario? And do a really good job? Impossible in this city anyway. Even Extreme Makeover: Home Edition couldn't get it through all the political hoops required. Unless I want to put up an overpriced faux French chateaux stucco McMansion, or an imitation Victorian made out of chipboard and PVC siding. THEN they'd let me. (Apologies if you have one of those, and you like it and it fits in your neighborhood, great, go for it. I just think other things are possible. Better made, better designed houses, maybe even ones that don't break and leak and fall apart 20 minutes after you close the deal.)

So why fix anything now? Because things are breaking down and life will be easier if my house is functional in the meantime.

Oh oh and good news, I heard from that osteoporosis nurse about my numbers from last month. My FSH was down to 7, no E2 so I can't compare, but my Vit.D was 66 and my calcium was 2.18, so not so bad after all. They like it higher in someone with my Z-score and profile, but overall, not a crisis, just a reason to get a little more Vitamin D and Calcium. And no, a normal reading for my FSH doesn't mean that I don't have POF. Last winter it was 22, and it goes up and down like a see saw regularly. Last summer it was pretty low, but that didn't mean much. Anyway, the DHEA seems to be helping a bit, so we'll see what we shall see, eh?

Off to scrub my cupboards now. Anyone know where I can rent a cat for an afternoon?

Slightly banged up

Have I told you all about the wine bottle incident? Last weekend, I went to open the fridge and look for some cookies or snacks or something, and-----

SMASH

An unopened bottle of wine fell on my foot, just above my toes, then shattered on the tile floor, wine and glass shards everywhere.

My foot hurt right away, but not too badly, so I could wipe it all up. It was only after the swelling began and the blackened multicolored bruises popped up that it really hurt, in that glowing, throbbing kind of way.

Worst part is, I hadn't had a drop, and never even got to try the wine, but I can't tell the story to anyone, because as soon as I say, I got these bruises from broken wine bottle, Well, you just KNOW I'll be labelled a lush.

So I'm limping, and can't wear sandals, but at least nothing broken, eh?

Plus, yesterday, certain tender parts of my body started to hurt. Like with a sharp stabbing pain, and I realized that I either had a UTI or yeast in a very awkward and unusual place. And guess what? Yeast...the cursed affliction of the infertile and menopausal set. Grrrrrr....

I've called for a repeat of my prescriptions, and I'm sitting on an icepack.

Ice is good...lovely in fact. I now understand how people can be driven to dementia by this kind of pain. I'm a grown adult capable of figuring this out and getting myself medical help, but if I was a little kid, or an elderly patient already sick? Oh lord, I feel bad for them.

I'm grateful right now that I can take care of myself, and grateful I'm seeing my RE again soon, because whatever we decide about TTC again, I think I need some HRT adjustment so this doesn't keep happening. (I mean the uti, the wine bottle smash is my own fault!)

Ouch...

I've been thinking about random things

Like I finally bought a Tilia Foodsaver because I'm a gadget queen.
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Like I love that our credit cards and some of our lines of credit are finally paid off, and we are feeling like we can breathe, but I've spent so much time afraid to spend money that I'm reluctant to enjoy it. I mean, who buys themselves a kitchen appliance as a special treat? I used to dream of spas...
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Like I feel silly for wondering if people I know IRL are reading my blog, yet I'm also wondering why they have intruded on my own private version of AA. I've said this on other blogs before, but AA meetings are public, as are most support group meetings, yet no one would dare spy or reveal the identity of the people attending. Even the tabloid press has drawn the line on that. Yet somehow this comes up over and over again in the blogosphere. Sometimes with strangers going after us, and other times with our family or workplaces intruding, as if we women are their possessions, not allowed to have thoughts or identities or friends of our own that are not mutually shared. Odd....
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I bought a whole bunch of fish oil caps, and melatonin pills and other natural things yesterday and today. I've also switched to those chocolate calcium chews because they taste less hideous than Tums, but I'm still trying to find other brands? Any ideas? Suggestions? I think I am becoming crunchier....
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I saw this in the NY Times most-emailed section and I decided that I MUST own it. And a Blackberry. Did mention I like gadgets?
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Facebook = boring. I don't quite the get the point other than to compete as to who has more "friends". I "friend" people, but then I just sort of stand there thinking, hey...is this it? Plus really, I don't want to talk to most of the people I knew in high school and university. If I did, I'd call them, and I haven't soooo, anyone taking a hint here?
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This conversation about progesterone over at Mel's got me thinking about how we take drugs and how they absorb into our bodies. In me, provera oral is fine for when I need to bring on a period, but is also excellent for shrinking cysts and suppressing my high FSH. I have no idea why it works for that but not so good at keeping up my LP.

Progesterone suppositories worked when I was pregnant with Mac, but in every other pregnancy after that big-headed child was born, they slid out, utterly useless. I had to prop my hips up on pillows after inserting them, every gd time. I tried using prometrium orally and discovered it did nothing for my blood levels or luteal phase support, but it was an AMAZING sleeping pill. I later heard from two different sleep specialists that it is being used for post-menopausal women as part of their HRT to deal with insomnia and disturbed sleep.

The same Prometrium gelcaps vaginally however absorbed wonderfully, and because the gelcap melts, and is rather sticky...they stay up, not badly, I've had good blood levels, and no cramps, no bleeding, as long as I took enough of it. I haven't used Crinone, or PIO, because I haven't needed them, but I think I would if I had too. So yes, Mel, the same exact pill is used both vaginally and orally but for different reasons. I'm told many medications can be used different ways, and some are used as creams or patches because they want to avoid the digestive tract, and the liver, but also because they can work better.

Now, I have NO idea if all other pills will work this way. Some tablets might, but obviously a time release wouldn't. Haha, time release vaginas....
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Last random thing, I spoke to my RE's assistant and I'm seeing him in a couple of weeks to readjust my HRT, after finding out the bone density in my hip is waaaaaay down. As in, I really have to take care here. (He has a fertility clinic, but also takes care of other patients for hormone/gyne issues.) So I'm going to chat about all sorts of fertility/thyroid issues when I'm there.
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Off to read blogs, my dears.

A little weekend blah blah

I was away all day yesterday at a track meet, sitting in the blazing hot sun, and yes, I got burnt. I didn't read most of the comments until late last night on my previous post. Sorry!

My correction, which I'm adding to my previous post as well, I did NOT wake up during the laparoscopy I had 2 years ago, I woke up immediately afterwards in the recovery room minus painkiller. I wasn't supposed to wake up so quickly and like that, so it was definitely a mistake and a nightmare that has caused me trauma, but it wasn't on the table while they were cutting. (Some patients have had these surgeries with epidurals and been awake, but since they feel zero pain, it's not so bad, just a slight creep factor.)

General aneasthesia has a couple of components, that are supposed to work together to deal with this. Pain medication, to prevent pain during in the patient, sleep medication, to put you out, and a paralytic, to prevent us from moving, even involuntarily (like we do while in some stages of dream sleep) during surgery. Many of them now add hypnotics to induce amnesia, just in case we end up as one of the patients who is awake but paralyzed and in pain during surgery.

Problem is that many pain medications can stop us from breathing or at least lower our respiration rate, so it's a delicate balancing act. And the butthead Doc failed! So now I'm nervous about any aneasthesia, beyond dental freezing. I'll only think about the c-word when I have another therapist in place to help me work through procedure. It's not urgent, so I'm not going to overthink this just yet.

Anyway, this is a very good article by a journalist I just love! I helped her research this article, and she is really amazing. (She's writing my article next, I hope.) They talk about IVM and non-drug ways of doing fertility treatment like IVF. And of course, they cite my favourite stat, that most eggs gathered by IVF the usual way are damaged, regardless of age, so really maybe this is a better way, hmmm?

And why aren't REs doing IVM everywhere in Canada and the US? (It's been around since 1999) and it's safer since there is no risk of OHSS. I think it's because the drug companies hate it, and it has a lower miscarriage rate, and it costs less, and donor egg is rarely needed, and there are less multiple births, and RE's might not get to have Bentleys....*eyeroll*

It's perfect for women with PCOS and OHSS, and even good for women who are poor responders to drugs, or have high FSH like me, or endometriosis.

And yes, I laughed at Leroy's comment about socialized medicine! No, unfortunately, it doesn't fix every problem, there are idiot Doctors in every system. I have to admit, I like the way ours is constructed in that I can go to any Dr. I choose without financial restrictions. But no guarantees of brains unfortunately. Idiot Docs exist in every country. One thing I would change in a heartbeat though, is that public hospitals here receive lump sums from the government regardless of how many services they perform. Kind of a holdover from the older pre-public funding, and related to the problem we have with rural vs. urban health care. Which means that they have no incentive to do more procedures, and in fact, spend outrageous sums of money on administration. (A note: Americans would not find these amounts outrageous by comparison....most money in US healthcare is spent on administration) I just think that we should spend almost all of our money on nursing and cleaning and food and social workers and well, you get the idea...

Dr.J will call me on the phone next week and let me know what's up, I also have her email, so that's what she meant, and by the way, I'm 38, but my failing ovaries are the reason I have such bad bone density.

Off to drink soy milk now....and next visit with your REs, ask them if they know about IVM and why they don't use it. Are they employed by drug companies or you guys? Whose really paying the bills?

Not quite as bad and not quite as good

My GP, Dr. J. was pretty good about todays' appointment. Yes, it turns out that my bone density sucks donkey balls, in fact my hip socket density is down to 76% of what it should be for a woman my age, weight, yadda yadda, but my spinal isn't too awful, still pretty stable compared to a few years ago. She didn't mention any medication for it, but that's because I have a specialist appointment coming up and we agreed to talk about it then. She did tell me to change my brand of calcium & D, because she thinks I'm getting bored with it, which is why I'm not very compliant. This she is right about....chalky tasting stuff sucks!

My RAIU test results she wasn't sure what to do with. Apparently the latest muddling BS diagnosis they can come up with is "inactive Graves disease". Except that at least one Doc has said that my lab results don't show the right antibodies for Graves disease. (But hey fuck lab results---we only worry about those when we feel like it!) She's going to get back to me about the MRI.

And of course she asked about my upset below the stomach parts, which have still not healed from the hideous organic muffin adventure. I had seen another Dr. last week at the clinic about it and they did some tests. Too late to find food poisoning, I guess. Anyway, we ended up talking about all my GI adventures and between the lactose intolerance and the hyperthyroid and all I've been feeling awful on and off for a year. And I knew this word was coming but I seriously cringed....she mentioned the c-word (colonoscopy), and I practically fainted and said the conversation had to end.

Honestly, I'd rather have brain surgery.

Through my eyeball.

Awake.

After all the gyne surgeries I've had and the dildocams and the dozens of hands up my hoo-ha, yes, THIS is the procedure I'd rather die than discuss. So my Doc KEEPS going! She tells me that not to worry, they do twilight sleep, and I'd get some fentanyl. And that was my limit.

For those of you who think I'm good at advocating for myself, you need to know that really I'm not. If I was really good, I wouldn't have so many dead children. Okay, scratch that last sentence, the new improved me is refusing to feel guilt. My Doctors have to take responsibility, right?

I'm only as good as I can be at that single moment in time. I'm trying, and I suck at it sometimes. Like two years ago, I had a laparoscopy with a really famous endometriosis surgeon. Brilliant and kind, he did a great job on the surgery. Unfortunately my anaesthetist wasn't so good. Long story short, he didn't give me enough fentanyl during surgery so I woke up screaming in pain, and the other Doc in recovery then gave me too much fentanyl in an effort to relieve my pain. Well, she gave me so much I stopped breathing, and they had to give me Narcan to reverse the fentanyl and shock my heart to start me breathing again. I ended up in pain again, and messed up physically for days & weeks afterwards.

I couldn't advocate for myself then or while I was sick. Mr.Cotta couldn't help because he knows nothing....like ZERO about medicine. It wasn't until I left the hospital and started asking some pointed questions that I figured out what happened. And even then, I didn't bother suing. I knew it would just be a waste of my emotional energy and my money. Dr. Google, Wikipedia, Drugs.com and Emedicine are my favourite sources. If you read them, you'll know as much as me and certainly more than your Dr.

But in a crisis, when you are physically sick or in emotional shock or grieving, you cannot take care of yourself. We need others to help us. I certainly do.

We do the best we can when we can...we're only human, right?

I have to go drag my creaky old bones up the stairs. I guess I've entered the broken hip years, eh? Sigh....first it's control top underwear, then orthopedic shoes...next the c-word...

The email I want to send my Dr.

Dear J,

I may see you before my follow up appointment, because I’m in agony over my legs still. My x-rays at the ER were clear, but the burning pain radiating out from my knees is getting worse. I think I need a bone scan or a CT to check for hairline fractures. Or maybe I have soft tissue damage in which case something is definitely wrong because this should be getting better, and it really is worse every day. Yes, maybe I’ll come in to see you so you can poke at them too.

But about that nagging thyroid issue….

I saw the new endocrinologist today, and as I told your receptionist, it was a complete waste of my time. And tonight I’ve been angry, in tears, in despair, frustrated, and finally bitter.

She’ll send a report to you, but the quick and dirty sum-up is that she thinks that the RAIU results and scan are irrelevant, since my TSH is normal. She refused to order another RAIU or scan and refused to consider the possibility that amphetamines or dopamine could influence the test result. She then proceeded to parrot precisely everything Dr. Evil wrote in her report to you. This BTW is why I don’t believe that doctors should ever know about the existence of a prior diagnosis when the patient is attempting a second opinion.

So, you know what her theory is? That I have PCOS and/or insulin resistance.

hahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha

Even though I have no cysts, my Day 3 LH has never been higher than my FSH, I have always had normal insulin, blood sugar, testosterone, DHEA, and androgens. And my RE, Dr. Expert has always said that PCOS and POF cannot coexist in me. A physiological impossibility based on my labs and ultrasounds.

After I pointed out my test results to her, she started to climb back down a bit to say that I have some sort of transient hypoglycemia or insulin resistance, caused by the fact that I am eating all wrong. She thinks I eat the right type of food, just not often enough. This is based on the 2 minute description of what I ate YESTERDAY. She thinks I only eat every 6-7 hours, and eat nothing but refined carbs. Except that is NOT what I said. For example, I said that I love eating chocolate. I rarely eat it, but I love it. That doesn’t make me a pre-diabetic, it makes me human. I have had acne and hairy legs, but those are classic symptoms of estrogen/progesterone swings. I said that I do eat snacks, but she ignored it, and focused on the mention that I might’ve had a coffee as a treat as an example of my “bad eating".

I’m ignoring all the condescending brochures & magazine clippings she gave me like this one: “The Diet that could make you a mom!” --- (wow I’m so happy she gave that one to me, since that world famous fertility doctor I go to will be shocked! to hear that this all new! diet! is the cure! for all my dead babies!)

Yes, you can just imagine my reaction to someone telling me that my children would be alive if I hadn’t scarfed down that loaf of Wonder Bread.

Thank God I actually know the cause of my miscarriages. I can only imagine the psychological trauma this dimwit would inflict on some of the grieving mothers I know. I’m also ignoring the *super exclusive* lab requisitions she graciously allowed me to have. You’ve run my blood sugar and creatinine before. Not exactly a shit hot diagnostician is she?

So, in all seriousness, we have to talk about a better plan. Specifically, I need to get the appropriate tests & treatments done for the actual illnesses I DO have. And can I see a Dr. who will diagnose me based on lab results, and not my diet choices for one day, or on the spare magazines clipping lying around her office? I have a couple of requests and some ideas. We can talk about them at my follow up appointment. I don’t think I can bear to talk about this in person right now.

Thanks,

Aurelia

(Pssst: And to you, my lovely blog readers, now I have to go eat some fruity puffs soaked in a bowl of vodka with sugar & insulin on top. I'm trying to zero out my fertility so that if one of those dastardly little spermies ever finds an egg, I can write off the next pregnancy ahead of time without even bothering to POAS. Great plan, huh? *eyeroll*)

Can't keep up

With all your blogs right now, since I have A. overextended myself by subscribing to eeek, over a hundred, and B. been sick or injured and tired this past week.

So I'm going to cull a few that well, let's be honest, I used to read but now barely read since they don't read me. And really they are just busy too I guess. *Sniff sniff*

So, I am going to update my blogroll on my sidebar someday this week or next, and start working on focusing on people I like. Plus figure out why Bloglines keeps unsubscribing blogs I do like! (Sorry Little Sister) And focus on my kidlets and house, which is slowly coming together, haphazardly yes, but still working better.

Have to go pretend new Dr. will have something decent to say, and then get my bone scan, and pretend my leg bones don't have hairline fractures somewhere. (Apparently x-rays don't always pick them up, you need special scans or CTs, which is why that doctor really was a butthead.)

Must shower now, clean and pretty=credible patient.

Now if only sick=treatment.

Fuck.

More Medical Inanities

I spent the early part of yesterday in the ER getting x-rayed and bent and poked and prodded. No, no fractures this time. I probably have a soft tissue injury, or at least I'm assuming I do since the butthead attending Doc didn't bother to check or refer me to someone who could deal with it.

Yes, *sigh* I've collected another butthead doctor story to go with the others. See, my own doctor is away, and her office suggested I go to the ER since they could get me into the fracture clinic right away if anything was broken. They could've ordered an x-ray, but with her away...it wouldn't be very helpful, and her replacement could only fit me in at the end of the day.

So off I go, in pain, limping on both legs, looking pathetic. And after seeing triage, and three nurses, and a medical student, (who were all lovely BTW), I finally see jerkboy, who proceeds to tell me that I only qualify to get an x-ray because of my osteoporosis, as if he is handing down a gift from on high. He only saw a few signs, like pain, or flinching etc. because in order to get there, I had doped myself to the gills with anti-inflammatories, coedine, etc. I had also been lying on a bed for 2 hours, iced and elevated. I had told him this...but he ignored it.

I mean, hello...of course I had few signs of pain after all that. DUH! But when I got back home and everything wore off, sheesh, did it hurt. What made his Lord Mucky-muck imitation even more ridiculous BTW, was that right after he gifted me with the x-ray, I overheard him whining about how hard all his paperwork was to the nurse, who proceeded to flirt and fawn endlessly over him. If I was able to walk, I swear I would've jumped over the curtain, grabbed my own prescription, and told them to just screw each other on the desk right there, and get back to work, so the bleeding patients could get some treatment.

In the end, I'm off to see my own Doc Thursday or Friday for some more help, and it turns out the latest 'amazing' endocrinologist can see me Thursday, so maybe I can get some more answers then about the thyroid issues. Of course, I really shouldn't get my hopes up when it comes to Doctors should I?

Why is it they are all so nice and normal and reasonable when the are med students, or even residents, and somewhere around the attending, or specialist stage they become horrid human beings...absolutely awful at listening and learning? I have more stories stored up, not just these ones, but help me out---am I the only one this happens too? Are Dr.'s really this bad? Or just the ones I run into?

More Broken and Bent Bits

Not such a hot weekend. Saturday morning, CD1 begins, with no warning, blahing my mood. I knew that it was going to happen, because due to my cold and grossness, it would've taken the immaculate conception to get me knocked up last month, but still, a few cramps as a heads up would've been considerate.

Then, I was walking down the street with my little guy on the way to the park and discovered that crossing the street is not nearly as easy as it looks. I tripped over a speed bump and went flying ass over teakettle smack in the middle of the road.

I fell hard, and had to get up pretty damn slow. I think every part of my body got knocked and jarred. My hands got skinned and my head smacked the pavement, but worst of all, the impact on my knees.

With the osteoporosis and all, I am very paranoid about getting hurt. And well, this time, my knees took the brunt of it, and things hurt and clicked and groaned in all the wrong places. When I was 17 I blew my knees out cycling, and made it worse by wearing hideously high heeled boots. (Yes, stupid...aren't all teenagers stupid about fashion?) So having been through knee surgery once, the last thing I want to do is hurt them, and shit have I ever. They aren't just skinned, but swollen, and bruised, and painful.

Thank God for cellphones...hubby came and got me and the kidlet, got me home, and I started swallowing ibuprofen and icing the sore bits. Not that it did much good, everything hurt worse the next day. And that day, was the day we had already invited everyone over for roast turkey. The already-thawed, waiting-for-me-to-cook-it-turkey. Hubs was busy with work and other stuff and couldn't do it, so I did it. With sore messed up knees and back. #$!%^&

Good part was, I did it in the convection oven, at 350 degrees, rubbed with sage, salt, olive oil, garlic, and pepper and it came out perfect. (I had to shield the wings and legs with some foil, then tent the breast with a little more foil part way through.) Golden, beautiful, moist, and delish. 2 hours, and 20 minutes flat for a 16 pound turkey. Not bad for a chick with lousy bones and joints, huh?

So maybe the weekend wasn't sooo awful. Yummy, but achy. Going to go ice the knees some more. Gah....

Broken Bits

So, I have a hairline fracture in some bone in my left big toe. (great toe?) Mostly it is a soft tissue injury, which is why apparently why I still can't move it all on my own. I can move the toe by touching it with my hand, but not all on it's own.

So I've taken some motrin with (ahem) a glass of wine. Yep, I'm evil, shoot me, but I'm in pain. I swear Nicole I'll be compliant with the calcium & D starting tomorrow. And Anonymous, really citrical? Most of the stuff in juice I've seen seems to be from dairy products, a no no for me, but I'll look again. Next time, leave a name, even a pseudonym, cause I feel silly calling you anonymous! Ha ha from a woman with a fakey name on the internet! groan...

So I'm back to icing and elevating and taping it to my other toe. And limping.

The next time someone tells you that shrivelled up ovaries are no big deal if you don't want to have kids, feel free to point out this blogpost to them.

Swiss cheese bones suck.

Comments are working again!

Yes, my comments are working again...effin' blogger outages...I know they are trying, but how come typepad or wordpress never seem to be out? Or is is just my perception?

So yes, I broke my big toe. I have osteopenia, now osteoporosis as a result of premature ovarian failure, (premature menopuase for those of you new to my blog). Estrogen depletion and a severe case of lactose intolerence have combined to make me susceptable to broken bones. I've had many broken toes before, usually little ones, but this is worse, because I can't bend my big toe at all, and my left foot is now swollen up.

I'm off to get it x-rayed, hopefully I need nothing more than rest and ice if it's minor, but I have a bad feeling about this one...probably nothing but paranoia. I'll update later if it turns out to be something. Ehhh...

Anyway, I guess I'm back to mainlining calcium and vitamin D with my fortified soy milk. I keep thinking it probably won't help, and the stuff tastes so awful and chalky, I tend to be non-compliant at best. I even take it separately from my other vitamins & stuff, because it's supposed to be the right way to do it. Arggh.

Any thoughts, suggestions, assvice?