I don't know what to type

There's no way of beating around the bush on this one.

I'm pregnant.

That BFN? It was a BFN when I peed on a stick, but when I went for the blood test Monday, it was a beta of 116.

And on Wednesday it was a beta of 365.

And today, Friday, it's 996.

I'm on baby aspirin, 400 mg of prometrium, intravaginally, 5,000 iu a day of fragmin, and enough folic acid to choke a horse.

My first ultrasound is on the 16th.

So why did I wait to tell all of you? Because I didn't actually believe it was true myself, until it doubled Wednesday, and I had to tell my husband first before I told the entire internet. You know, my husband, the guy who wasn't so sure it was a good idea to try again, in light of the fact that our batting average sucks when it comes to live baby achievement?

I was kind of afraid to tell him, because I also am a little over the top psycho emotionally when I am pregnant. In fact, the roller coaster from hell is the usual way in which he describes it.

But instead of getting upset, or overly anxious, my darling sweet fabulous husband took me in his arms and told me he was happy. And he really really wants me to try to stay calm.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DHEA WORKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EVERYONE ON EARTH SHOULD TAKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TO ALL THE FERTILITY DOCS WHO TOLD ME TO GIVE UP, "YOU WERE WRONG, YOU ASSHOLES!!!!!"


As you can see, I am not so good at calm.

I know this pregnancy could end tomorrow. I have only a tiny chance of getting a an actual live baby out of this.

But for today, for right now, for each and every day that I am pregnant, I am going to be thankful for this tiny little chance at some joy.

One day at a time.

Something less serious

I'm just in desperate need of thinking about something frilly and dumb.

For today, just one day, we're all going to pretend life ISN'T unfair and shitty, okay?

I've clicked through a bunch of Perez Hilton posts and contemplated new colors for my pedicure. I'm getting my hair done this afternoon, and I may buy some new shoes. Or makeup. Or whatever.

We got the proposal from the architectual firm, and frankly, it looks a bit over the top expensive to me, but I'm going to ask around before I assume. I think they also included construction management and project management in there which might explain it, or else I just wasn't green enough for them so they pitched high enough to scare us away. Dumb....I'm a big 'ol gossip.

I still haven't ordered that furniture, so that may be my next little mission.

And even if I spend the rest of my life with the hubby and two kids, and no more pregnancies, I can live with that because at least my body is acting normal.

The crone has left the building. Now let's get the new me some pampering.

My rusty ovaries

So my last couple of posts have been rather amusing, eh? Good to have a giggle or two isn't it?

In all seriousness, I've started to take DHEA because Dr. Eyebrows is so very chuffed about it. Apparently it makes ovaries rise from the dead and shine like chrome, instead of the rusting and creaking currently on display. I had to send away for it because Health Canada has themselves all in tizzy over it. You need special access permission to import it to Canada or something. Silly me, I thought we already had a permission system for drugs, called "prescriptions from medical doctors."

Yep, good enough system for prescribing percocet, but not good enough for DHEA.

So, I've googled searched, sent out an email, and still am not sure if I'm taking enough. I'm only on one 25 mg pill a day which seems to low based on some examples and some studies which claim that egg production and quality increased dramatically. (Fewer chromosomal abnormalities apparently) I'm not just interested in fertility here either. I am kind of hoping it will help knock my body back into normal hormone territory over the long term.

This place seems to have a large number of women in a study already. Any opinions?

Dr. Eyebrows has lots of women in his yet to be finished study who seem to have spontaneously become pregnant, but I don't know how many were POF like me, or if they all seem to be 35+ women who are naturally entering menopause but still have lots of antral follicles. I have pretty much none of those.

On Day 3 you all seem to have 20-30 antrals. A year ago, the last time I let anyone count the buggers, I had two, one on each ovary. I used to believe that was okay, cause all you need is one, but we apparently need more than that to end up ovulating.

So my last two hopes are on DHEA or on using estrogen or both. Any opinions? Assvice? Help?

Trying for a bit of perspective

Good things must be my focus if I am to make it through the next week and a half.

Like----for starters, I have spent today and last Wednesday with a professional organizer who came to my house and helped me seriously muck out my basement. Every single toy, crayon, clothespeg, ancient campaign button, childhood memento, and sewing thingy has been examined, sorted, classified, & packed, thrown out or recycled.

She's coming back in a week and a half and we're going to possibly tackle a closet or two (eeeeekk), but in the meantime, my basement looks like a magazine ad! Weeeeeeeee!!!!!

Next good thing, a new cycle isn't so depressing cause it means new hope for the big "O" eh? No, no, no not orgasm, ovulation! I can have loads of fun with my handy dandy toys, the big goal is a normal functioning endocrine system. So, thank goodness my DHEA has arrived, and I'm going to start taking it tomorrow. The odd bit....it came in a couple of brown paper envelopes, addressed from various names. I swear if my doctor didn't tell me to order it from this place, I'd wonder if I'd accidentally ordered some ex. Oh well, onward and upward, right?

Next good thing is, I spent yesterday windowshopping with Mr.Cotta and we tried sitting on couches and chairs and staring at beautiful things we can't afford yet. It was fun looking at it all though!

I have to go write a fake cheerful letter to my kid now, maybe snap a dorky picture of us all, and write odd little sayings on it....Perez Cotta, anyone? hehehe

Happy Red & White Day

No, no, no not the day where we celebrate Canada Day.

I mean the day where my white underwear is covered in red blood.

Happy fucking CD1.

Can this shitass weekend get any worse? Oh yah, maybe I could find out I'm really a mole rat.....

Well, for a mommyblog this is interesting

I saw this on Niobe's blog, and couldn't resist. Apparently we're x-rated over here! And I haven't even discussed my favourite vibrators....hehe. So I guess I'll have to start living up to my rep, eh?



This is based on the use of the words pain, drugs, dead, hell, death, dangerous, suck, sex, & bomb.

I guess none of the programmers over there has ever given birth to a baby, living or dead? Cause trust me dudes, it's painful, I want drugs, dead babies are hell, risking death to deliver is dangerous, Bataan death march sex to concieve a living one sucks, and yes I am a bombshell, a damn fine sexy mommy bombshell in fact.

I am mightily ashamed

I'm running out the door again, losing my mind ever so slightly, because once again, I am behind reading blogs and commenting, notwithstanding my participation in Mels' Commentathon.

Behind, as in I haven't read some of you in a week, and have over 400 posts on my bloglines to catch up on. Now some are news feeds, like Reuter's Health, and some are political blogs, but most are my friends...and I'm just not able to be there right now, fuck.

Why? Because yesterday our new bed was delivered, a tempur pedic....a drastic improvement over the hideously hard Guantanamo-prisoners-have-softer-mattresses version we've had for 12 years. But this means I had to pull everything out under the bed and around the bed and in the closets etc. etc.

Plus some close friends of the family are getting a divorce, and it look like its going to be a nasty fight because the spouse who earns more, in this case a woman, is trying to get rid of her husband who has done all the caregiving for their daughter, and minimized his career. (He has one, it's just part-time & lower pay compared to her 80-90 hour a week job.) She thinks he should just leave, no custody rights, no money, no property settlement or support, like he's some sort of expendable nothing. He's devastated, the preteen daughter is devastated, and I think the woman is in for a nasty surprise when she consults a lawyer....

Anyway, we're trying to get them both to see that the only one who wins this way will be their lawyers, and maybe reasonableness is a better approach but so far ehhhhh no one is listening. So we keep talking to them...and having them over.

Thanks to a chat with DecemberBaby I have a whole new perspective on my friend and I'm trying to be more realistic about her. It turns out that there is a very good reason for her issues and the things she says, so maybe I'm going to limit my time with her and maybe I can't quite expect certain things from her. Not saying it's an issue of her fault or mine, but it's sort of like making sure I don't lite the fuse? Cause if I know she'll be set off, why wave a match? Better to just be careful with her when we do talk.

Still waiting for the DHEA to arrive in the mail. They have to order it, and I hate mail order. I'm very focused on the immediate that way.

Anyway, I WILL catch up on all your news, but if anything unusual happens out there in blogworld, someone email me in the meantime....gahhhhh. Sorry life should not interfere with blogging this way!

Hmmmmm

So at my RE's office, I chatted with him about the estrogen study. He said he's read it, but seemed to be confusing it with some past older studies that weren't randomized control trials, which this one was, & my preference if you can find them. But in the meantime, he did suggest taking DHEA. He's running a study on it, and has found really good results for women with high FSH and those edging towards 38+. I have to take it for 3 months before he will agree to test me and see how my body is reacting. So I'm back in September, I guess.

Before you all assume he is some sort of new age non-science guy...he is the exact opposite. Dr. Eyebrows is the living epitome of the absent-minded professor who loves to bury himself in a pile of journal articles and a lab. He likes people, but more so under a microscope, y'know? Very very sweet...unfortunately not all the staff at his clinic are, but I work on ignoring the ones I don't like and paying attention to the ones I do like.

I'm digressing, anyway, this is the first time he has ever told me to take anything non-prescription. Beyond the general "be healthy" order, he thinks the vast majority of the all natural stuff is unproven, etc...so he doesn't like to guilt his patients if they don't become holistically pure. This is a real change for him to tell me to take this supplement. A 180. So what the heck?

At this point I'm throwing the spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks.

As for my friend...ehhhh, I'm already feeling some icky danger signals. She's backed off quickly, but when we discussed my HRT regime and my osteoporosis, and my thyroid stuff, in quick succession, she implied in words and tone that HRT is not good, osteopenia/osteoporosis doesn't exist, (it's a scam by drug companies according to her-she saw it on Oprah, must be true, just ignore the bone scan results...), ADD drugs are bad and addictive, and my thyroid issues might be solved by taking antidepressants. *eyeroll*

Except that she hasn't see me in a year and both my actual real shrinks agree I'm not depressed. I'm pissed off that I can't get a proper diagnosis or some respect from the Docs....and I'm grumpy about my husband quite often, but those are legitimate feelings. Depression is an inappropriate response to an event, not an appropriate one. But oops I forgot, women aren't allowed to be sad in our society, much less be sad over a *nothing* like a miscarriage right? I'll never forget one shrink years ago telling me that if anyone was still grieving over the death of a loved one, a husband, a child, whatever, after 2 weeks, it was wrong and I wasn't adjusting appropriately and therefore depressed.

So yeah, I have a feeling that this one will end up kind of arm's length....I care about her, but I want a friend, not a junior wanna be therapist who insists that everything I do is wrong and everything she does is right. I've been wrong lots, and I apologize all the time. She rarely admits to faults, and I'm beginning to remember this now. Catherine (and several others of you) might be right-I'm going to have to sit down and figure out what I get out of this relationship and what I don't, and whether it's worth maintaining.

Hmmmmm

Some things are just more important

I had a bunch of serious and silly stuff to blog about today, like ranting about the Sopranos ending, or whining over the inevitable BFN I got on Saturday, and the period that arrived on Sunday. I have a bunch of memes to do, and pictures to post over at Picture Pages. Heck, I could rant about political stories or rave about the new stuff we bought on the weekend.

But none of that seems important compared to the struggle Krista is facing. Reality has been posting for her, since she was unable to blog after her new baby was born May 31, a baby achieved after a long struggle with IVF. Krista has a brain tumour, hopefully not malignant and is undergoing the first of two surgeries today to try to remove it. I am heartsick for her. She is a fellow Canadian, a fellow Liberal, and a fellow infertile, and an amazing woman, and this is just so completely unfair.

Please visit her and send her some love. These are the moments that really matter, aren't they?

Slightly banged up

Have I told you all about the wine bottle incident? Last weekend, I went to open the fridge and look for some cookies or snacks or something, and-----

SMASH

An unopened bottle of wine fell on my foot, just above my toes, then shattered on the tile floor, wine and glass shards everywhere.

My foot hurt right away, but not too badly, so I could wipe it all up. It was only after the swelling began and the blackened multicolored bruises popped up that it really hurt, in that glowing, throbbing kind of way.

Worst part is, I hadn't had a drop, and never even got to try the wine, but I can't tell the story to anyone, because as soon as I say, I got these bruises from broken wine bottle, Well, you just KNOW I'll be labelled a lush.

So I'm limping, and can't wear sandals, but at least nothing broken, eh?

Plus, yesterday, certain tender parts of my body started to hurt. Like with a sharp stabbing pain, and I realized that I either had a UTI or yeast in a very awkward and unusual place. And guess what? Yeast...the cursed affliction of the infertile and menopausal set. Grrrrrr....

I've called for a repeat of my prescriptions, and I'm sitting on an icepack.

Ice is good...lovely in fact. I now understand how people can be driven to dementia by this kind of pain. I'm a grown adult capable of figuring this out and getting myself medical help, but if I was a little kid, or an elderly patient already sick? Oh lord, I feel bad for them.

I'm grateful right now that I can take care of myself, and grateful I'm seeing my RE again soon, because whatever we decide about TTC again, I think I need some HRT adjustment so this doesn't keep happening. (I mean the uti, the wine bottle smash is my own fault!)

Ouch...

I've been thinking about random things

Like I finally bought a Tilia Foodsaver because I'm a gadget queen.
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Like I love that our credit cards and some of our lines of credit are finally paid off, and we are feeling like we can breathe, but I've spent so much time afraid to spend money that I'm reluctant to enjoy it. I mean, who buys themselves a kitchen appliance as a special treat? I used to dream of spas...
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Like I feel silly for wondering if people I know IRL are reading my blog, yet I'm also wondering why they have intruded on my own private version of AA. I've said this on other blogs before, but AA meetings are public, as are most support group meetings, yet no one would dare spy or reveal the identity of the people attending. Even the tabloid press has drawn the line on that. Yet somehow this comes up over and over again in the blogosphere. Sometimes with strangers going after us, and other times with our family or workplaces intruding, as if we women are their possessions, not allowed to have thoughts or identities or friends of our own that are not mutually shared. Odd....
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I bought a whole bunch of fish oil caps, and melatonin pills and other natural things yesterday and today. I've also switched to those chocolate calcium chews because they taste less hideous than Tums, but I'm still trying to find other brands? Any ideas? Suggestions? I think I am becoming crunchier....
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I saw this in the NY Times most-emailed section and I decided that I MUST own it. And a Blackberry. Did mention I like gadgets?
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Facebook = boring. I don't quite the get the point other than to compete as to who has more "friends". I "friend" people, but then I just sort of stand there thinking, hey...is this it? Plus really, I don't want to talk to most of the people I knew in high school and university. If I did, I'd call them, and I haven't soooo, anyone taking a hint here?
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This conversation about progesterone over at Mel's got me thinking about how we take drugs and how they absorb into our bodies. In me, provera oral is fine for when I need to bring on a period, but is also excellent for shrinking cysts and suppressing my high FSH. I have no idea why it works for that but not so good at keeping up my LP.

Progesterone suppositories worked when I was pregnant with Mac, but in every other pregnancy after that big-headed child was born, they slid out, utterly useless. I had to prop my hips up on pillows after inserting them, every gd time. I tried using prometrium orally and discovered it did nothing for my blood levels or luteal phase support, but it was an AMAZING sleeping pill. I later heard from two different sleep specialists that it is being used for post-menopausal women as part of their HRT to deal with insomnia and disturbed sleep.

The same Prometrium gelcaps vaginally however absorbed wonderfully, and because the gelcap melts, and is rather sticky...they stay up, not badly, I've had good blood levels, and no cramps, no bleeding, as long as I took enough of it. I haven't used Crinone, or PIO, because I haven't needed them, but I think I would if I had too. So yes, Mel, the same exact pill is used both vaginally and orally but for different reasons. I'm told many medications can be used different ways, and some are used as creams or patches because they want to avoid the digestive tract, and the liver, but also because they can work better.

Now, I have NO idea if all other pills will work this way. Some tablets might, but obviously a time release wouldn't. Haha, time release vaginas....
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Last random thing, I spoke to my RE's assistant and I'm seeing him in a couple of weeks to readjust my HRT, after finding out the bone density in my hip is waaaaaay down. As in, I really have to take care here. (He has a fertility clinic, but also takes care of other patients for hormone/gyne issues.) So I'm going to chat about all sorts of fertility/thyroid issues when I'm there.
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Off to read blogs, my dears.

Let's try this again

Did not get enough sleep last night. Sigh.....

I tried out a new sleeping pill that my doc suggested since most of them last too long, and others give me side effects like a metallic taste in my mouth. I took a nitrazapam last night, it didn't do much at all and I woke up screaming from a nightmare, directly into my husband's ear at 6:00 am. Poor man...he jumped right out of bed like the house was on fire.

I'm trying one of the other pills tonight.

And the nightmare? In it my oldest son magically jumped in a sewer manhole on a construction site and disappeared and died, and no one cared. The construction workmen, the firemen, my husband, various onlookers all just stood around and said, "Sorry, oh well, we can't explain why, but don't worry, you can always have another one!" And in the dream, I just kept screaming, "Go get him! Do something !!" until I actually screamed that out loud for REAL into Mr.Cotta's ear.

Hmmmm, a gold star to anyone who can figure out the neurosis behind this one. LOL

(And no, don't worry the boys are really perfectly fine and healthy, and my husband has forgiven me.)

Oh, and for those of you interested in the whole circadian rhythm thing, sleep wake cycles, and the relationship to various hormones for men and women check this out. It has a plain language explanation on different pages, and links to some scientific studies. I own one of GoLites, and love it almost as much as I love my little vibrating toys. Yes, your grandma WAS right; Early to bed, early to rise, makes you healthy, wealthy and wise. (And hormonally balanced, and young, and sexy, and fashionable. hehe)

In all seriousness, I know people get pregnant even when they drink martinis, smoke crack, party all night, and eat crappy food, but for those of us who are not Uberfertile? Ehhhh, I need to sleep well, and eat decently, and lower my risk profile, if you know what I mean. I just don't get the luxury of those choices with my crappy health.

So I'm off to burn dinner now...oooops, I mean cook a lovely dinner.

Meals ain't always pretty at the House of Cotta, but they're never raw! hehe

Insomnia

I've reached the breaking point.

I'm wide awake at 3:52 am and I did everything I'm supposed to, but still can't sleep.

If I take a sleeping pill now, I'll sleep all day, not such a good plan. But if I stay awake, I'll be useless at the volunteer event I'm at all day.

Anyone think this will mess up my cycle this month even more? Yeah, I thought so....

My very busy day

My crazy neighbour is still building the fence, and has now torn down the front fence we shared to build a different gate. Presumably one with extra locks and barbed wire.... It did need replacing, but we had spoken about doing this together, as opposed to separately, so that it would look cohesive and nicely designed. They have left a stub of our fence attached to our house, and I have no clue how they are going to join the old rotten wood to their new boards. And of course, we will have a hell of a time repairing our side now. The height of the fence by the way is legal, measured from their side, because their yard is slightly lower & they have the fence perched on top of raised flower beds one feet high. Six feet of fence, plus one feet of screening, adds up to eight feet.

As for the setback, I am sure that you are all correct, but here in Toronto we have a slight problem. Very very narrow lots, and most of them have boundary problems, like somebody built a shed 6 inches over someone else's property, and fences are just off centre or crooked and twenty years later people are claiming part of your yard. Our house was built one foot away from the property line, and for years and years the owners just gave each other permission to gain access for maintenance. And nobody cared, in fact I'm wondering if now we just have the right to go into their yard if we have to deal with the foundation, or clean the eaves.

It would be rare, just twice a year at most, barring an emergency, and most people could care less and will be very reasonable, but somehow I suspect the crazy lady won't. Her husband is very nice, so maybe I can try to talk to him....gahhhh hate this part. I could call the city and make a fuss, but I have to live next to them everyday. It's delicate.

Maybe I'll just be passive aggressive and send older son Kaz to practice his trumpet in the backyard every single night, pointed in their direction? God love him, Kaz is the world's WORST trumpet player. Excellent at piano, definitely not a brass guy. Hmmm...

I'm off to get my hair done, do some gardening, finish the laundry, and have a few hot flashes.

Yes, you read that right. This cycle is hopeless and I'm feeling really really awful, sleepless, tossing, turning, and kind of down. I thought it was just my mood in general, but I'm going to try upping my estrogen and see what happens.

Plus we're having some more financial stress after all our good news. A nice big cheque we were expecting last week is not coming for awhile, so we are still doing the credit card shuffle.

I know I've been tagged to the I am meme more than once. Maybe tomorrow. The worldest worst poet here has to go destress!

A little weekend blah blah

I was away all day yesterday at a track meet, sitting in the blazing hot sun, and yes, I got burnt. I didn't read most of the comments until late last night on my previous post. Sorry!

My correction, which I'm adding to my previous post as well, I did NOT wake up during the laparoscopy I had 2 years ago, I woke up immediately afterwards in the recovery room minus painkiller. I wasn't supposed to wake up so quickly and like that, so it was definitely a mistake and a nightmare that has caused me trauma, but it wasn't on the table while they were cutting. (Some patients have had these surgeries with epidurals and been awake, but since they feel zero pain, it's not so bad, just a slight creep factor.)

General aneasthesia has a couple of components, that are supposed to work together to deal with this. Pain medication, to prevent pain during in the patient, sleep medication, to put you out, and a paralytic, to prevent us from moving, even involuntarily (like we do while in some stages of dream sleep) during surgery. Many of them now add hypnotics to induce amnesia, just in case we end up as one of the patients who is awake but paralyzed and in pain during surgery.

Problem is that many pain medications can stop us from breathing or at least lower our respiration rate, so it's a delicate balancing act. And the butthead Doc failed! So now I'm nervous about any aneasthesia, beyond dental freezing. I'll only think about the c-word when I have another therapist in place to help me work through procedure. It's not urgent, so I'm not going to overthink this just yet.

Anyway, this is a very good article by a journalist I just love! I helped her research this article, and she is really amazing. (She's writing my article next, I hope.) They talk about IVM and non-drug ways of doing fertility treatment like IVF. And of course, they cite my favourite stat, that most eggs gathered by IVF the usual way are damaged, regardless of age, so really maybe this is a better way, hmmm?

And why aren't REs doing IVM everywhere in Canada and the US? (It's been around since 1999) and it's safer since there is no risk of OHSS. I think it's because the drug companies hate it, and it has a lower miscarriage rate, and it costs less, and donor egg is rarely needed, and there are less multiple births, and RE's might not get to have Bentleys....*eyeroll*

It's perfect for women with PCOS and OHSS, and even good for women who are poor responders to drugs, or have high FSH like me, or endometriosis.

And yes, I laughed at Leroy's comment about socialized medicine! No, unfortunately, it doesn't fix every problem, there are idiot Doctors in every system. I have to admit, I like the way ours is constructed in that I can go to any Dr. I choose without financial restrictions. But no guarantees of brains unfortunately. Idiot Docs exist in every country. One thing I would change in a heartbeat though, is that public hospitals here receive lump sums from the government regardless of how many services they perform. Kind of a holdover from the older pre-public funding, and related to the problem we have with rural vs. urban health care. Which means that they have no incentive to do more procedures, and in fact, spend outrageous sums of money on administration. (A note: Americans would not find these amounts outrageous by comparison....most money in US healthcare is spent on administration) I just think that we should spend almost all of our money on nursing and cleaning and food and social workers and well, you get the idea...

Dr.J will call me on the phone next week and let me know what's up, I also have her email, so that's what she meant, and by the way, I'm 38, but my failing ovaries are the reason I have such bad bone density.

Off to drink soy milk now....and next visit with your REs, ask them if they know about IVM and why they don't use it. Are they employed by drug companies or you guys? Whose really paying the bills?

Not what I was looking for

I tested this a.m., POAS, and it was negative. I should've assumed it would be, but I am still disappointed. I may get a blood test just to confirm, maybe not....

Crap...seeing my GP later today and we're supposed to talk about my bone scan results, and my RAIU test results from like weeks ago. I know the results will show abnormal, and every Dr. thinks I'm healthy notwithstanding the effin' lab results that say no. (I have my annual appointment with an osteoporosis specialist in two weeks for the bone scan, but I guess Dr. J. is throwing it into the conversation as well.)

So, just to engage in some useless idle speculation, you wanna make a bet that she's going to suggest I go on Foso.max because my bones scan results will still look blah, (I'd refuse at this point, fwiw) and that she thinks I should do nothing about my thyroid even though my RAIU test results look bad? Sometimes I think this world is a place where Drs. accept and believe the unbiased lab reports they like, and throw away the ones that don't fit with their personal perceptions.

Apparently sucking and blowing is still in style among the medical community these days.

I'm just not sure how they manage to do both at the same time.

Hope is a Dangerous thing

This new study on estrogen pre-treatment is the FIRST new treatment anywhere that gives hope for women who have premature ovarian failure, or just plain high FSH. The whole text is in Fertility and Sterility, but I haven't searched for it this weekend. From what I've read, it will work for any woman with non-responding ovaries.

I've been reluctant to go back, to try again, to have any hope at all that I would ever be able to ovulate again, or come up with a decent set of eggs, that I think I had kind of just thought forget it. And then all my other cascading medical issues, my thyroid, my life in general.

And hear comes a treatment. It might be too late. It might be pointless, but dammit, I might have the guts to phone up my Doc and go back and give it a whirl.

This must be what couples with MF infertility felt like in the before and after period of the discovery of ICSI? Before, no hope, after, wow....but will it work?

And yes, this Friday is D-Day, when I pointlessly POAS and wonder if that spinnbarkheit I saw actually meant anything. Ehhh, maybe waste some money?

So maybe something is working?

So it's CD9 here at the House of Cotta, (not that I've been counting or tracking or nothin') and I happened to notice something interesting yesterday.

Spinnbarkheit.

A rare phenomenon, last seen spontaneously & non-RE-assisted, months & months & months ago, so we're all gonna hope that we hit the mark this time people.

K?

Mr.Cotta has made his "sacrifice" for the cause and I have lain back and thought of England, a couple of times. I'm going for an ultrasound tomorrow if they can fit me in, otherwise it will be Tuesday, just to confirm it wasn't a random bizarre psychotic episode, and I actually saw what I saw.

So IF I saw what I saw, and it wasn't just my imagination, I have some prometrium, and some baby aspirin, and hell, maybe we'll give this a whirl, right?

And we won't think about how lousy my eggs are whenever I ovulate earlier than CD12.

Just--won't--think--about--it

The very busy life

In my last post, I mentioned something about applying for a job. Without revealing too much, this job is all about research and distributing the information, and it might be in connection to an upcoming election way up here in the frozen north.

It pays okay, but will involve long hours over the next short while...IF I get it. And they'll want me to start right away, (possibly this weekend) which has me vaguely freaking out. I have some followup medical and therapy appointments and other commitments here and there, and I'm hoping they'll understand, but if not...crap, this could be difficult.

Plus it would be damned hard to keep up with all of you and your lives, and I want to. I really enjoy blogging and communicating with all my friends around the world, but for that 37 day election period, I just might not be able to. Plus, my house is not so together right now. Paperwork, toys everywhere, renovation projects half finished. My little guys birthday is next week. He'll be seven, and I have done nothing about his birthday party or gifts. I had one party plan booked, but it didn't work once I got the bill and figured out the potential credit card damage. And there's NO way I'm having 15 little kids all over at my tiny house while the weather is so cold and rainy. May or June sure, I could stick them in the backyard, but April? Not a chance!

As for the job, this is one time when I agree with Mr. Cotta. He always wonders why I can't just get a "normal" job. Now, I don't really believe there are very many normal jobs left in the world...35 hours a week, benefits, decent pay, interesting work, nice boss & co-workers. Most employers have simply eliminated the first criteria, and the the rest, are rare. So now I'm wondering how I'm going to find a last minute sitter for the kids for evenings and weekends, and hoping that if I go through this exercise, I'll be offered a "normal" job, somewhere through connections I'll make this time.

As for baby-making plans? They'd be on hold again, crap, no time to go to a clinic, never mind having sex....and the bitter irony is that I just got the paperwork for our new benefit plan, and it covers fertility drugs, 100%, no limits, I think....but I'm sure waaayyy to late for me to get any use of it. Someday someone will have to explain to me why no one has invented cheaper generic fertility drugs. The patent protection expired long ago, I'm sure, on a lot of them. It's bad enough people get ripped off on HCG pens etc, when the generic HCG is half the cost, but explain to me why all the rest aren't generic by now? These generic drug companies must know that they'd make a mint just from the untapped market currently in existence.

So much for free market competition, eh? Bastards....

Off to sort papers and organize the toyroom...I'll let you know if I find Jimmy Hoffa in the Lego box.

To reassure you all

AF arrived yesterday, if it was today on April Fool's that would've been totally ironic, hmm? Not that it matters...my RAIU test on April 10th will make me radioactive on ovulation day so, I guess we're skipping this month. Even I'M not that desperate...

Mr. Cotta and I made up the next morning, and I think most of our fight seems to have stemmed from our joint sleepless insomnia. I have gotten some more sleep since it arrived, but not as much as I want. I am in a better mood anyway.

To answer Lioness, right now, I have trouble falling asleep, due to stress, and thyroid stuff I think. When my estrogen is deficient, I wake up in the middle of the night or very early and can't get to sleep. I have a nice store of sleeping pills, but they all seem to knock me out for 10-12 hours or so. Ambien and Lunesta I'm told only last 7-8 hours but they aren't available in Canada right now, so I either take imovane, which only lasts 4 hours but has the side effect of metal mouth, or I take Benadryl and Tylenol PM, which don't really do the job. Prometrium orally I can only take 12 days out of the month, and couldn't take last week if I wanted to get AF, so that's out of the question.

I'm trying to get to sleep, but I think I need to do a couple of serious knock-out pills tonight. I'm a blithering fool, since I woke up at 6 am on Saturday, got dressed, and drove out to Toys R Us to stand in line and pray I could get a Nintendo Wii for my kids. They had to 20 to give out, and after 4 hours in line in the freezing cold and dark turning into dawn, I thought I was number 19 in line, but really I was number 24 in line, and I missed out! It was supposed to be one per family, and I thought I was okay because I counted the line. Well, it turns out that some of these people in line who were all "together" in the cold, weren't family anymore when the Wiis were handed out, ohh boy they didn't even know each other when the manager was watching. EBay anyone?

So next time there's a line up, screw 6 am, I'm there at 4 am.

Yawn...