hey here we go again

Family hell is getting better this week. I just have to keep thinking about not doing anything, and how easy it is to just say no when someone proposes to invite people over.

Unless they want to come over for a non-judgey visit with dirt on the floor, pizza and beer. Sigh....

Planning Mac's birthday party, and dealing with various crises, I realized that I have not mentioned my current preoccupation. You know how I have been on domperidone, and how I have been trying to keep up with breastfeeding because I had breastfed the other two for at least fifteen months, and darned if I couldn't try just as hard for Julius?

Well, it's getting harder. I'm not sure what the hell is going on with my crap ass hormones this time, but I can't seem to make as much milk and at night especially, a small child is noticing. And keeps trying to get more milk, and crying. So I have doubled my dose of domperidone and I'm doing what I can.....but if this isn't the most bizarre thing on earth because I have never had this problem before!

I've always had loads of milk. Bad latches, thrush, mastitis, pumping problems, blisters, nursing strikes, lumps, you name it, I've battled through it. But supply never was a problem. I never had to even take domperidone, not when I was on the pill after Kaz was born, not when I went away for five days without Mac, nothing.

I know he's 10 and half months and really, we could do a little formula and it wouldn't be a big whoop, but that assumes it would be my decision to use it. This would NOT be my choice, this is because of my body failing me once again. And I can't figure out why?

I just don't get it, it's like this insane thing where just when I think that infertility is behind me and my problems are over, they come back to bite me on the ass again. Osteoporosis, POF, thyroid, and now breastfeeding issues, possibly caused by Sheehan's and placental abruption and holy shit won't that be a lovely lifelong issue to have? Fuck, fuck fuck....If one more person suggests to me that infertility is all about having babies and that it's no big deal and we can just move on after we finish having our kids or decide not to keep trying....I will scream. This, btw, is just one of the many reasons I always say that adoption is not a cure for infertility. They are completely and utterly separate issues. Something too many Doctors forget.

None of us ever stops being an infertile, do we? It's a disease I will always have whether I have zero living children or one or three or twelve.

Fuck.

Nightmare on Elm Street

Can you guess what this unidentified object is?

It makes you bleed like a mofo.

It is the size of a grapefruit.

It is unsightly and will disfigure various parts of your body.

It is painful. (back, pelvis, intestines, bladder, etc....)

It is almost impossible to get rid of.

Anyone?

Anyone?

-
-
-
-
-
-

IT'S FREDDIE!!!!!

He's baaaacckkkkkkk.

Fred the Fibroid, doncha know? And his bromance Voldemort!

Both subserosal, one possibly intramural/subserosal, both painful as hell when poked with a transvaginal ultrasound.

Especially when the ultrasound tech is so obsessed with seeing Obama's inauguration live that she keeps leaving the room go to the "other room", (really, the staff lounge) to "check something". Meanwhile, I am on the exam table, half naked, with a probe up my cooter wondering where the feck she has gone?!?

She was much more attentive after his speech was finished. I know you were all entranced by it, but long speeches are difficult to tolerate when you are on a cold table with your feet in the stirrups and your ladyparts are swinging in the wind.

I felt every moment of those 18 minutes. Truly.

Anyway, Dr.J. will hopefully have some solutions. But I am kind of scared of those solutions, because really, surgery just never turns out well for me. It's that whole death thing....I'm just not sure how many more lives I have to risk.

It's kind of, well, a nightmare.

After the last post

Just a little message to the new political readers I seem to have picked up lately.

This is not solely a political blog like Liblogs and other aggregators and like many personal bloggers I do not just look at things from an objective point of view. So, when I post about a policy issue that the government needs to fix, it's not because I'm searching for something to say and found a news story, it's because in my own life, I have encountered a particular situation and perhaps have been dealing with it publicly or privately possibly for months. Even if I don't link to precise proof in a post, it doesn't matter, because I'm simply reporting what I as Jane average citizen have witnessed and my reaction to it. If you don't believe what I type, then google your own damn fingers away and find links, or fuck off. Real life is not a university essay, complete with credits and footnotes and bibliographies, and leaving comments asking for proof is high school. This is the real world, complete with dead babies, and live kids, and vaginas, and hot flashes, and discrimination and ridiculous encounters with government and business and neighbours and messy family situations.

So to the commenter, "Fact checker", I left you a comment afterwards with the links you so desperately desired. I assume that you will still doubt me. Your comment wasn't the thing that pissed me off, by they way, it was your name. Oh well, guess who doesn't give a flying fuck about what you think?

As to the subject at hand, the issue still remains and it needs to be said, that if Passport Canada really cared about protecting children from kidnapping and other custodial disputes, then they would require ALL children to present long form birth certificates, and then print those names in the passport of the child. That way a happily married dad could not simply sneakily pack up the kids and flee on a plane with those normal passports to say, the Middle East, and refuse to return the kids. As it is, he could just forge a letter from the "supposed" mom saying he has permission to go and without proof of who the mom is, they would just let the kids go. Poor mom comes home from work, and voila, too late.

No, this is about treating certain children like lower class citizens. If you disagree and wish to be an anonymous tithead, feel free to go back to LibLogs or the Blogging Tories and have fun there. They tolerate that shit. I do not.

Ok, done with that for today. Next.

My Doc called with my hormone levels from yesterdays blood test. Sigh....

FSH 19
LH 11
E2 683
Progesterone 2

I had a sort of AF a few days back. Not much. So this might be early in a cycle. Or not. I have been taking some estrace here and there to help with the hot flashes, but not much else. Debating lower doses of DHEA to help my hormones work nice, without making any eggies. I want to feel normal, but never ever ever ever ever ever get pregnant again. That delivery scared the shit out of me. I'm terrified of dying from another abruption, one that might not get caught in time. And of course, guess who doesn't feel like getting a vasectomy?

Yah

So looking at those numbers, no wonder I feel menopausal. Sooo, I'm going to try to take some progesterone with the estrogen and we scheduled an ultrasound to check on my fibroid. Hopefully it shrank after the c-section, but since it was all done so fast, no one noted it on the surgical report. Also, during surgery no one could find my ovaries. Apparently, they are missing. Should I send out an APB?

Seriously, I love advice from fellow infertiles. Any thoughts on what might be happening?

Is it the fibroid? The breastfeeding? The ovarian failure returning?

Where do you think my ovaries are? On vacation?

I bet they got a passport no problem.

This could be hilarious, or not

I have had an anxiety ridden week, and today didn't help. I spent the morning trying to get the final reports for the kid's schools. (For that much freakin' money, you'd think typos would be verboten, no? Guess not.) My nanny called in sick at the last minute and Julius is teething and cranky and tired. Plus, I was still recovering from my overindulgence Saturday night at a friends' cocktail party, which is a hell of a story actually.

I had only had a glass or twoish to drink and was gossiping and laughing and enjoying myself until I made the mistake of talking politics with two young obnoxious Liberal types. After that conversation I HAD to get hammered.

Don't get me wrong, I was once a young Liberal, and I certainly had my moments, but honestly, these two were beyond reason.

First they were startled to hear that I knew their former political boss, since they figured I was some nobody mommy, and was good friends with a staffer they worked with, then----they actually had the fucking nerve to start putting down my friends job, acting like she was beneath them! Meanwhile, the friend in question is a hell of a lot more senior than them, and still employed there. Best part---when they lectured me on the job titles and responsibilities as if I was some moron who'd never stepped inside Queen's Park.

Such class. Amazing she's unemployed, eh?

It got better. I won't say which exact Leadership campaign they were with, but they were with either the Micheal Ignatieff campaign or the Bob Rae campaign. You guess. It will be difficult, you see both sides are once again pursuing a scorched earth policy in their desperation to win. The top guys themselves profess to be friends and are willing to vote for each other if the other falls off, but who's kidding who. Based on what I'm witnessing---these guys forgot to inform their devoted followers.

"Oh you can't vote for so and so, he's a [ insert hack hack hack, vicious dig, nasty rumour, shitty comment, mean-spirited name-calling ]."

As I told those two incredulous teenage louts, if you want my vote, you have to give me a reason to vote for your candidate. I will burn my ballot before I vote for someone who only hacks the other guy. We set up an entire leadership process based on everyone having to get along, because you want the other candidates second ballot support. Being nasty about your opponents is the surest way to lose with this process, which by the way, is why they lost last time.

So once again, Iggy and Bob are going to screw themselves. Sigh---I am so sick of hearing about how they each deserve to win just because:

a. they have highbrow parents and grandparents and brothers and pedigrees (this one drives me round the bend. I just have this visceral reaction, and I start yelling, "You aren't better than me you fuckers") Not a logical reaction, but the one I can't get rid of. It likely stems from the whole bastard unmarried parents raised in poverty thing, but it could just be that I'm not an imperalist.)

b. they were supposed to win last time. (WTF? I missed the secret voting koolaid, sorry.)

c. if they had won leadership last time, then we would have won the election. (HAH, double HAH, the Tories had $30 million dollars to blow on ads and to hire the most vicious Republican campaign consultants money can buy, and honey, for $30 mill, those guys can make you think your own grandmother is a serial killer. It will happen to everyone who runs. Except Jesus. By-the-by, did I tell you the rumour that Mary wasn't really a virgin? New ad: Alleged Terrorist and insurrectionist Jesus Hussein Christ seen pallin' around with slutty teen. There are Youtube videos! P0rn!)

d. They "look like" Prime Ministers. (Umm, I think Obama may be rewriting that rule dudes.)

Anyway, I can actually forget all this and move on, if any of the leadership candidates, Bob or Iggy, or whomever runs, can tell me why I should vote for them in the future. Like, screw the past, what have you done for me lately?

Like are any of them willing to pull an Obama and put forth a bill on Stillbirth Research and data gathering? Considering we have some of the poorest statistics gathering on maternal-fetal health in the world it might be reasonable to say--count them. We count cancer tumours and bacteria through public health. We track them like mad. But pregnancy loss? Oh no, must keep head in sand. Barack Obama, in the middle of running for President, sponsored that bill in the Senate. He isn't afraid of deadbaby mamas.

So maybe this time, when I pitch each and every one of the candidates on infertility and pregnancy care and maternal infant fetal health, they could stop and think and respond a little. Instead of running away freaking out, "Ahhhhh, dead baby lady, ahhhhhhhh" I mean, it's not infectious.

Anyway, this should be an interesting ride. Convention is in May, in Vancouver. At minimum, I'm going to get to meet some of my fave bloggers. I'll keep you all updated about the reactions I get to my pitches.

I can see it now, "Hi, I'm Aurelia, and if you want my vote, we have to talk about vaginas, and I'm sorry to say, not in the fun way." Yep, they'll be lining up to see me, hehe.

Is this thing on? tap tap tap

I'm busy with election day, so I can't blog long, just wanted to tell all of my Canadian friends to go vote, and yes, you guessed it, I want you to vote Liberal, haha. Big surprise!

I'd say it anyway, but honestly, after Stephen Harper told everyone that his penis-and-vagina made family was ordinary, and that Dion's adoption made family wasn't, I fucking hate that crud headed man so much----%^&*%^@#$ that I have become inarticulate.

You aren't superior to us Stephen. And adoptees like me aren't inferior. So stick your ordinary family shtick up your ass, and ohhh I don't know, maybe discuss an actual policy issue? I keep muttering about this under my breath......must stop obsessing......

Anyway, I'm busy making food and handing out poll kits and throwing wet wadded up toilet paper at the Tory voters.

(kidding)

(sort of)

Very important thing for all of you who are parents, please, take your kids to vote and talk to them about why you should vote. They don't understand that truth in advertising laws do not apply to political ads, and they don't know what all this means. And except for a brief civics discussion at some point in school, no one teaches them about this stuff.

So take your kids to vote, even the babies. I always take my kids! If I get a picture of Julius with his first ballot, I'll post it.

*btw, is anyone having problems with bloglines, or with getting feeds? I am having serious problems with getting several different blogs, some typepad, some blogger, and I don't know if it's just me, or everyone else. Plus, something is odd with my blog, I'm suddenly out of nowhere, getting almost no hits, but it might be that statcounter is not recording them? Damn, help*

More Grrrrr......

Stephen Harper and his merry band of white male traditional twits are at it again....slamming adoptive families and infertile couples that is.

The federal election is upon us in Canada, and with it comes much mudslinging, but usually family life is off-limits. We tend to stick with the issues. Rarely, we might notice a family picture on a brochure, or politicians making jokes about something their kid did. The media tends to go along with it, and only makes mention of major life events, like someone getting married, etc...

But now, with this quote,

“I don't know Stéphane Dion all that well,” Mr. Harper said when reporters asked whether he feels the Liberal Leader is a family man.

“But I presume that he's been married a long time, has children. I presume he's a family man also.”

Harper has crossed the line, and if you read the comments on that article, you'll see how sick the implications have become. I blogged about this before, I have become incredibly furious at the insinuation that adoptive kids aren't really family, or that international adoptees and non-white adoptees are somehow less Canadian, less worthy of the status of white biological "ordinary" kids.

You see Stephane Dion, the leader of the Liberal Party, admitted a few years ago in the Globe and Mail that he and his wife have gone through infertility and they then adopted their daughter from Peru. From Chatelaine:

"But there was a missing element in their carefully planned life – children. When they discovered that they couldn't have a child of their own, they went to Peru and adopted Jeanne, the daughter, now 19, they still call their Inca Princess. While Dion did the legwork – staying in Peru for months at a time to fulfill adoption requirements – Krieber stayed in Montreal and ultimately organized their marriage, which had never been part of their plan but became a necessary convenience for the adoption process."

Because of that quote Stephen Taylor implied that the conservatives were going to try to contrast Harper's "ordinary" family.

Like, adoptive families aren't ordinary.

And infertile families aren't ordinary.

And childless families aren't ordinary.

And non-white and mixed race families aren't ordinary.

And families with two mommies or two daddies must not be normal either, eh?

And here they are with their stupid "Family Man" ads trying to say that if you don't have a family, you aren't capable of being the Prime Minister? Nice vicious attack on the childless voters. Seriously, so they actually think that a US strategy will work up here? Especially when they keep trying to play the pro-lifers and pretend they will enact an abortion law? (Yes that's right, they hate abortion, and adoption and are trying to use codewords to hack at their opponents manhood. Nice. And Harper doesn't even know why the Dions were infertile, but the implication is there that Harper has mighty strong sperm and this will make him great prime minister. LOL )

If you are Canadian, just know that when you vote, Stephen Harper only thinks you matter if you live in a Leave it to Beaver family. And only if you had your kids, the "God-endorsed Conservative Way", by having sex. No orgasm sex thank you very much.

They are the ordinary family people you know. Godly and such.

Please pass this post around to everyone you know, just in case you have Canadian readers. I can't believe these boneheads.

To good egg days

*Belly picture at the bottom--warning to those of you feeling sensitive--read my words and skip the pic if you can't take seeing it. Love to you anyway*

I feel so lucky this Easter, yes even when I am momentarily gripped with terror---I know how incredibly lucky I am to have ever been able to have my living children, and to be pregnant again now.

I often worry that when I comment on the blogs of women who are still in the struggle that they will take offense at my presence, that they will feel angry that a woman who has what they want should dare to tell them to hope.

I hope and pray that instead they will read my blog and know that when a Doctor tells them that nothing will ever work, that they will never get pregnant with their own eggs, that they will never have a living child---the Doctor might just be wrong. Technology can change, new drugs can be invented, new research can prove that it isn't always their bodies' fault, a diagnosis and a new treatment is possible. Even the best Doctors can be wrong.

There is always hope.

The baby I am carrying is living proof that sometimes a good egg can still be found, and drugs like heparin and progesterone can keep us pregnant, and I pray that my pregnancy inspires the people who read me to find a second opinion, to question the Doctors, to know that they and they alone should be the ones to make choices about their bodies and keep trying if they really want to. No doctor has the right to destroy our hope and take our dreams.

And if, after every attempt, after every option is explored, an individual couple makes the choice that they will never raise living children, then I want them to know that it is possible to go on, to live life with joy and happiness and peace. Loribeth and Pamela Jeanne are living proof of that. Women like them kept me sane during the lowest periods, when I was sure that I was never going to find a good egg.

To those of you who have been told to give up? That what you want is an impossible dream? Witness the proof. Feel free to send this to your gutless soul-crushing REs, the ones who want nothing more than to suck the joy from the very marrow of your bones....add your own subtitles, just for fun.

The 7 1/2 month pregnant belly of a recurrent miscarrier.

The soon to be born genetic child of a woman with premature ovarian failure.

The pregnant belly of woman who sincerely believes that Doctors aren't Gods.

So here I am in all my glory, a far shot, then a close up:

Amazing how your friends can ride to the rescue

I was so depressed this morning I didn't even look at the newspaper. And Megan, who commented on my blog's last post, (second Megan in comments-two different Megans) just mentioned that the Globe and Mail has a story about Infertility Bloggers, and some of my most favourite women are mentioned! Gil, and Mel, and Julie, and Tertia are all quoted. (Megan, by the way, if you do feel like pointing out this story to the PMO and the communications people there, it might be a good thing, especially considering the Feds have a long way to go when it comes to treating bereaved moms and the infertile decently. Email me, we can chat! I am full of good ideas.)

After last night, I felt like I'd been kicked in the head, and after reading this, and all of your lovely supportive comments, (and emails) damn I feel better. After all, if Gil can be brave, then maybe I can be a little less freaked out right? And maybe, just maybe I can try to remember that there are so many infertiles in the Liberal Party that trying to figure out which one is me, might be harder than I thought. (Okay, everyone else is in the closet besides me and Dion, but STILL, it might be difficult. ) And if they do things that are unfriendly, then maybe that makes them the big assholes, right?

Sigh....hoping, but I do feel a touch better.

I have to go see my genetics doc right now, and figure out if the odds of having another Trisomy 18 baby, at my age and with my shitty old ovaries are "maybe", "possibly", or "totally fucking guaranteed." Dr.Eyebrows says DHEA improves egg quality, but who the hell knows, right?

Oh, and bonus! I have to go alone, Mr.Cotta just called to say that he has to go run and urgently deal with a crisis with a client. Nice---I'm facing a firing squad, and he's going to hold some rich dudes hand. Lovely. No where the hell did I put that valium? Fuck, fuck, fuck.

So need some help with the paranoia

I had a visitor today from Canada's political scene, in fact, from Ottawa. I think it was a fellow infertile, and no, it wasn't any of the regular visitors I have who work in government departments. I don't mind you guys, because most of you seem to be bloggers or fellow moms, or infertiles just surfing by. No---this was a visitor from a very political place. And the only posts they looked at were the posts that they thought they could use to identify me. Most infertiles never notice my political posts, and most political visitors never look at my infertile posts. But this was different. They searched for specific details about the real me.

Worst part? They didn't identify themselves by email or comment, and they might be a friend or a political enemy, or shit, a frenemy. I'm stressed and I'd like to blog about something else causing me severe anxiety, but I'm kind of freaked now. Because someday, someone is going to come up behind me and say, "I know you are Aurelia, and I'm going to expose you," and because I react badly to blackmail, well, I'll just tell them to do whatever, and let the chips fall where they may.

Which sounds very nonchalant, and really, I feel sick.

I hope I'm wrong, and I don't know what to do. There's no way of knowing who saw that screen even if I track the IP address to the exact office. And of all the weeks to do this to me, this has to be the worst one possible.

So, I'm now tired and paranoid, and miserable. Help.

Go Vote Liberal Dammit!

Hey chicklets!

Just a reminder that today is e-day, you know, ELECTION DAY here in Ontario. And yes, I want you to vote Liberal, because I sincerely believe that it is the best thing for this province, and especially for every infertile couple and anyone interested in adoption reform in Ontario.

Go see this post for why! No other party has put out a policy on this, ever. The NDP delisted IVF in Ontario back in 1994, and the Conservatives refused to fund it, even after people like Jim & Christine Flaherty used fertility treatment to have their triplets. Hypocritical, eh? I guess to the Tories, only rich people who can afford unlimited treatment should ever get to have kids. And the Green Party, pffhhhht, they actually told me if would be better for the planet if fewer people reproduced. I guess we're supposed to be the sacrificial lambs in the process. I guess it never occurred to them that people should get to decide that for themselves, eh?

And if your local candidate doesn't have a clue what it means, don't worry, they aren't making policy, and the people who are, really really care about our concerns.

Oh, and unless you want crazy fringe parties taking over, like pro-laffers, and sharia parties, and the right-wing nutbars, vote NO to MMP in the referendum. Truly a sucky idea, there were loads of other better ones but they picked this shitty thing. Belgium does it, and they still have no government after 100 days.

It's more complicated than string theory, so I can't even explain all the ins and outs to the average person, I get it only after hours of studying, but I've known PhDs who looked puzzled about it!

Basically a bunch of backbench politicians, would not only get elected without local constituents to take care of, but they wouldn't have any duties at Queen's Park, due to the fact that most of them are going to be from fringe parties, and will never be in Cabinet or on any important committees. $100+ a year to sit around a wank off all day, or bitch at me all day about how I should be wearing a chastity belt, and give the government the key to controlling my uterus.

Greeeeeeaaaaaaaaat idea, fuckwads.

Off to GOTV. I won't be checking the blog today, because I'll be busy, but if I get any trolls, beat them up for me, pretty please?

And remember if you don't vote, you have no right to bitch afterwards!

Smooch!

Tired

I am still waiting on the results of the UTI culture, not sure what the hell is holding it up.

My doc informed me Monday that she finally got the results of my intestinal cultures from LAST JUNE. Apparently some arrived, and the rest never did, supposedly they were stuck in the damn mail room? Not her fault technically, but I'm still pissed off right now. I stopped complaining to her about my digestive system because she kept acting like I was depressed or crazy, or just didn't have the "right attitude." Doctors have tried to label me with fibromyalgia, IBS, & interstitial cystitis, all of which were ruled out. The one lingering symptom of hyperthyroid I can't match up with my TSH level has been digestive.

The answer: basically, I have, and have had for a long long long time, an infection called Dientamoebiasis. Sigh...I know it's been there for years because my son came home with it, in 2004. And since the entire family wasn't treated, and it is extremely communicable, (among family who live together, not average people we meet) we seem to have been passing it around for the last 3 years.

I can take the medication, (it's safe for TTC and pregnancy) my kids will take whatever I make them take, but the real challenge is Mr. Cotta. Adults can be asymptomatic, but carriers. And diagnosing them can take up to ten different culture samples, or one insanely expensive blood test that no one would order unless it was critical. So the policy is, treat the whole family for ten days with medication and be done with it. But my husband hates seeing docs, and hates taking any medication, ever. So this drives him nuts. But he has to take the medication, or we'll all be sick again soon. I know he will in the end, but the fight along the way....sigh.

Anyway, wanna hear the symptoms? (from Wikipedia and emedicine, my link thingy won't click)

1. Weight loss
2. Fatigue
3. Nausea and vomiting
4. Fever
5. Uritcaria (skin rash)
6. Pruritis (itchiness)
7. GI Pain
8. Headache
9. Malaise
10. Bloating - (Maybe why my stomach sticks out weirdly, always pleasant for the IF)
    
11. Diarrhea & constipation alternating
    
12. Irritability

Chronic infection can lead to inflammation throughout the entire abdomen. Including the reproductive system.

And no we're not going there.

I just can't.

deeply happy again

*Updated below*

just a quick blog to say that I went out to a campaign event tonight and they are making a BIG announcement tommorow, huge, fucking huge, described to me as a neutron bomb by people who would know.

All about IVF and adoption and fertility treatment etc etc. but I don't know what.

I'll update after I attend.

To the adoptees reading this, just know that if you want less adoption demand and better adoption policy, all you need to do is provide better and free fertility treatment, demand will go down and then supply will be appropriate, cause it will meet in the middle. To the infertility patients out there, I have a vague feeling that Dalton McGuinty is going to get you all knocked up, but he already has four kids, so I may be talking outta my hat.

Or maybe the sperminator Julie ALP once described is coming to town.

Or maybe I'm just one drink too many. Yes, bad for potential embies, bad me. Still I needed to let off some steam, fuck....happier anyway.

Smooch

P.S. I don't mind if my friends comment or ask whatever on the previous post, I just didn't want to be the NEXT platinum psycho bitch to strangers. It's okay, say what you want I'll still love you forever. SMOOCH.

Update:

So I went to see the speech today, but unfortunately whatever the big announcement was---they didn't do it for some reason. Instead the they stuck to the platform statement which I had already blogged about. They make the big announcement soon in which case, I will hopefully be able to pass it on. (No I don't know what it was, but I'm being nosy on your behalf...)

Anyway, the good news is that I talked with a bunch of people and was able to discuss various issues and find out that they are going to discuss more specifics after the election when they get together the expert panel and decide what to do about everything.

Plus, a few more people came out to me and it turns out that they are interested in making sure this policy comes to light. So yes, thank God, more of us are coming out of the closet and I will no longer be the only Liberal in the country who talks about her crappy reproductive system.

The only question is what will the press do with this? Will they act like the Liberal Party is trying to turn women into breeders, (the most effin' dumbass interpretation possible) or will they start talking about honouring all of women's reproductive choices?

The reality is that we don't really have true control over our own bodies if we only have the right to end a pregnancy or prevent it, but we can't get pregnant in the first place, right?

Yeah, you all know that, just sayin'.

Back to campaigning....

Best political news I've heard in a long time

We all know the issues around infertility and adoption, because we've been through it, right?

And quite a lot of political people have been through it, even if they don't like to come right out and say it publicly. As I've mentioned before Stephane Dion is one of the few who have "come out" and admitted it, for which I unreservedly admire him. Makes me feel a little less self-conscious at campaign offices anyway!

Anyway, the Ontario Liberal Party's platform was just announced this past weekend, and I'm a little overwhelmed with emotion. I couldn't even blog about it for a few days, I was so speechless with happiness. (As you can see from the length of this post, yes, I've recovered my ability to yap yap yap...hehe, still happy though.)

(BTW, I have no idea if any of my efforts got this on the radar, and yes, I'm digging around, enquiring minds want to know, but whoever made sure this got in, is my hero, for life.)

Check it out here, and go to page 37. Or just read it in the summary, or just read it in the quote I copied below.

"Helping Ontarians Start a Family

More and more people are having trouble getting their families started because of infertility.
Ontario Liberals believe that everyone should have a fair opportunity to create a family.
Over the next four years, we will shine a light on this unspoken problem and help to solve it.
We will help more Ontarians realize their dream of having a family. Here’s what we’ll do:

•Make fertility monitoring available earlier in life, so people know whether or not they
are likely to have a problem having children

•Create an expert panel to examine all issues related to fertility treatment and adoption and
recommend ways to make both easier and more affordable "

In all the years that I have worked in politics, I can honestly say that I have NEVER EVER seen infertility or perinatal loss or adoption end up in a platform document.

It's a promise, in writing, that they give a damn about us. And not just in a mushy whatever way, but they actually used the word affordable!!!!

For those who have run out of money chasing the fertility dream of having children that word is HUGE. And for those of us who wish that money could be permanently removed from the adoption equation, but instead be truly based on the best needs of the child, yep, that's really huge.

Crying over here---with total unadulterated joy.

Fellow Infertiles and Wanna Be Moms, and Stirrup Queens: please link to this post and to the platform site and quote, because we need to reach as many readers in Ontario as possible, so they can spread the word and let their local candidate know how much this means. They need to know that we are are out here and that promise means something. And let the other party candidates know what you think, because none of them have said one word about these issues.

Tell families, tell friends, tell co-workers, tell your RE's, your OB's, your social workers so they can spread the word in their offices. This is an issue we should be talking about. Our future families very existence depends on this issue being on the radar with every politician, and letting everyone know that on October 10th, THIS WILL AFFECT OUR VOTE!

Why should your local candidate care? What difference could this make to them?

Because all politicians can count voters, and if one in five couples are infertile, and one in four women and men will experience miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal death in their lifetime then we check and see that there are currently 8.3 million voters over the age of 18 registered in Ontario; translating into 2 million voters affected by this issue. Even if we halve that number to eliminate voters who are older, who do not want to have children, or who are not yet aware of their future infertility, that's still 1 million voters.

A big enough block to change the world, or at least this province, IMHO.

Banging my head against the wall

The next time I say anything like, "I'm just a housewife", someone please smack me. Hard.

Turns out I'm a hell of a lot smarter than the guy I met with, and most of you are in fact, smarter than the guy I met with. Either that he was experiencing some sort of depressive, distracted, anxiety episode.

He did not remember why his staff had called me until I prompted him and asked him about the paper he was holding. (A note I wrote to a friend and was passed to him 9 months ago during leadership. I recognized my handwriting upside down from the other side of the desk.) I guess he finally found it in his pocket after all this time.

He had no memory of meeting me, until halfway through when I had finally repeated everything I had said the first time. Then he remembered a few things.

He took copious notes, and tried very hard to figure out what I was saying, but I have to admit, I still can't believe that I had to explain the precise mechanics of IVF and be quite so explicit about why it was better than simply giving women drugs and hoping they didn't have sextuplets. Literally, you need to picture this,

Me: "It's because the one thing government can't control is a couple going home and having sex against Doctors orders when they have too many eggs from hyperstimulation."

Politician: "Huh?"

Me: "They have sex and they aren't supposed to!!"

P: "So what difference would free IVF make?"

Me: "Because if they have free IVF, they can retrieve all the eggs, make them into embryos with the sperm, and just transfer back one good embryo."

P: "Couldn't they still have sex and make sextuplets?"

Me: "No, the eggs are not in the woman then. They are in the lab. Sex won't matter anymore."

P: "Well, why can't we just order the Doctors not to transfer more than one or two embryos?"

Me: "Because each IVF with drugs costs anywhere from $7,000 to $15,000, and if the patient is paying, they will go to the U.S. if they can't get what they want here. We have to make it more attractive to stay here than go elsewhere."

P: "Well, why can't we just order the Doctors not to give drugs to these women?"

Me: "They need to sometimes just to get women to ovulate at all. They try not to mess it up. But sometimes it doesn't work the way we want it to."

P:"Well, why don't they just have sex. It seems to work. " Wry look at me, as he laughs a little.

Me: "Not if you are infertile." (Rigid plastic smile on my face.)

And yes, I still kept trying. Through all of this, he was extremely puzzled as to why he had never heard of all the differences in new research, new techniques, new treatments, and had no idea why the federal or provincial government wasn't doing more on this subject. In other words, if a fancy public health official or Doctor wasn't already on it, then obviously it must not exist. Except of course that they are are on it. Medical people try very hard, but seriously, they are the worst bunch of lobbyists and public communicators I've ever seen. They don't speak to each other, they are in a bunch of professional silos, they have no zero marketing and p.r. skills. And loads and loads of substance and brilliance and intelligence that no one will ever know about.

Unlike this guy, sigh....

Anyway, the one good thing to come out of this is that he has inspired me to get back up on my horse and try to lobby some more people. Hopefully people who have a clue what they are talking about it. Cause right now, I'm really disappointed it wasn't that productive.

I'm more disappointed though for underestimating myself. I can't keep doing that. I can help people, so why am I so willing to believe I can't? And how do blustering people like this guy get anywhere in public life while good people can't get their voices heard? I've spent years watching good and bad happen in politics, and I know the good guys outweigh the fools. I guess. Maybe they'll be more good politicians if women like us run someday, eh?

Questions?

My birthday was good, and the cake was delish! I had a lovely day with the kids and my hubby. Very calm and relaxing, although the kids did a lot of bickering. Mental note: make sure they never ever get sick again.

Yep, if wishes were horses...

Anyway, I have a weird thing happening today. I got a call from an politician's office asking me to come in and meet with them on the whole infertility, pregnancy loss & maternal-fetal health issue. I had met with this person before during leadership last fall, but I hadn't really gotten anywhere that time. Thing is, usually politicians get asked for meetings by people like me, not the other way around. They never call people to come in.

I am feeling slightly nerve-wracked about it all, in fact, I'm rather worried I'm going to get told to shut up and stop bitching about it cause no one wants to hear it anymore from someone who is just a housewife. I swear I'm back to that mental place where I'm alternating between a brave, fearless and brilliant advocate, and wanting to hide under my dining room table like a two year old.

Most likely, we'll have a nice chat, full of platitudes and such. Maybe there will be an announcement or something he wants me to know is coming out? Something boring most likely, but maybe a little good?

Eh, I'll update later and let you know what's up. Unless I'm under my table. Gulp.

My weekly ho-humming

So this being my first month on DHEA I'm not sure I expected anything in particular, but I do find it interesting that my luteal phase seems to be longer. In the months prior to this, I discovered that my cycle seems to be getting shorter and shorter and more and more messed up. The amount of estrogen/progesterone required to maintain a 28 day cycle has become, well, bizarre.

But this month my body seems to be working a bit better. I'm technically in the 2ww, but I think that's a lost cause this month. I finally figured out that the scribbled letters "tid" on the piece of paper he gave me meant 3 times a day, duh....must learn how to read bad Doctor handwriting someday. Is there a course in that?

And he wonders why I like to email him, silly man. Speaking of which I'm waiting to hear back from him. He's on vacation and it may take a while, but apparently, his assistant told me that almost all the previous studies attempted were done with women who had been on it for less than a month, even 2 weeks, and his is predicated on the idea that it takes 4 months for the body to respond to increasing follicle production. This article talks about that concept more.

He's trying to get women in his study who are on DHEA for 4 months then do IVF. Problem is, lots of them seem to be getting knocked up before he can IVF them! (Yes, I'd love this problem....) Good news, is though he has had a lot of women in the last year, and many many pregnancies. It will take until 9 months after the study is done to figure out the live baby rate, but I'm encouraged by the pregnancy rate myself.

And yes, I know there are no definitive randomized control trials just yet, but frankly, there aren't very many of those in fertility circles, and there never will be unless women like me agree to be guinea pigs, right? I mean, it's not like anything else I'm doing is working, so what the hell?

As for side effects, ehhhh, not that I'd notice yet. I already had acne, and I'm always irritated and anxious. Ok, not always, but it's pretty darn cloudy, rainy, blechy out there. Feels more like I'd always imagined London to be, or a Harry Potter novel & Dementors are roaming the earth. Is this just Toronto, or is there summer sun somewhere in North America? Please?

So, we'll see if Dr. Eyebrows has anything more to add. I'm trying to figure out if it matters to take oral estrogen but separately or estrogel or does it even matter? Do they interact? Don't know....never mind the rest of the shit I'm on.

I got a letter from my osteoporosis doctor. My vitamin D level is low and she wants me to take more. Of course, no blood test numbers, and there was more than Vit.D measured. No explanation, just a note from the nurse. I really prefer phone calls frankly. Makes it so much easier to ask questions, but they are all so afraid of PHIPA - (Personal Health Information Privacy Act) these days that we could all be dying and nobody sensible would help, because they are all so terrified of phoning us to tell us the news! And really I don't get it, why is it so much more private to write a letter than leave a message on voicemail? My mail is more likely to be stolen than my private voice mail or email to be broken into.

Hmmmm, I think the problem is the lawyers who seem to over interpreting these rules and stretching them into bizarrely unrecognizable versions of the original. I have a couple of funny ranty stories about that actually...have to post those.

More news on the camp situation btw, some good, some not so satisfying. Next post, I promise.

Life Renovation

I've been throwing things away literally....and symbolically. Rearranging my stuff always makes me rearrange my life. Last week I threw away bags and boxes of junk, and sorted out zillions of bionicles and legos and nails and screwdrivers, and DVDs, and well you get the idea?

This week I switched my living room and my dining room because my dining room is much larger and it made more sense to put our larger couches and the piano in that room.

Yeah, I moved a piano, all by myself!

Ok, not true, I actually had help moving it, and the other furniture. Still, I worked my tail off moving every damn thing back and forth....and really it has changed my outlook on life. Fresh start, new direction, new TV cable hookup, switched all the lighting fixtures....brilliant.

Feeling much better cause Kaz is back this weekend from camp, and of course, with all the good karma in the blogosphere these days, I'm feeling a little wee bit of hope. Congratulations to Julia & Steve, and a big thanks to Sharah at Outlandish Notions for doing a statistical analysis of that half-baked PGD study.
I really value all the smart funny and fabulous women the blogosphere has let me meet.

You ALL help me change my life, every day. Thanks!

My rusty ovaries

So my last couple of posts have been rather amusing, eh? Good to have a giggle or two isn't it?

In all seriousness, I've started to take DHEA because Dr. Eyebrows is so very chuffed about it. Apparently it makes ovaries rise from the dead and shine like chrome, instead of the rusting and creaking currently on display. I had to send away for it because Health Canada has themselves all in tizzy over it. You need special access permission to import it to Canada or something. Silly me, I thought we already had a permission system for drugs, called "prescriptions from medical doctors."

Yep, good enough system for prescribing percocet, but not good enough for DHEA.

So, I've googled searched, sent out an email, and still am not sure if I'm taking enough. I'm only on one 25 mg pill a day which seems to low based on some examples and some studies which claim that egg production and quality increased dramatically. (Fewer chromosomal abnormalities apparently) I'm not just interested in fertility here either. I am kind of hoping it will help knock my body back into normal hormone territory over the long term.

This place seems to have a large number of women in a study already. Any opinions?

Dr. Eyebrows has lots of women in his yet to be finished study who seem to have spontaneously become pregnant, but I don't know how many were POF like me, or if they all seem to be 35+ women who are naturally entering menopause but still have lots of antral follicles. I have pretty much none of those.

On Day 3 you all seem to have 20-30 antrals. A year ago, the last time I let anyone count the buggers, I had two, one on each ovary. I used to believe that was okay, cause all you need is one, but we apparently need more than that to end up ovulating.

So my last two hopes are on DHEA or on using estrogen or both. Any opinions? Assvice? Help?

Vibrafest, Pt.II

All easily shocked people, AVERT YOUR EYES. Married people might be discussing, GASP, SEX. Aaaagggghhhhhhhhhh---------

Okay, now for the real Vibrafest post.

Why that name? A political buddy made it up when I joked that my version of a bloggers get together was a bunch of woman friends having brunch and then going to a sex shop together and picking stuff out. Which of course is what we did....

I hesitated to post this at all because I've heard from more than one politico that they are astonished that women are sexual creatures. As a woman, getting ahead in politics or business means being sexless & inhumanly professional, so writing this out will probably get me tossed from the party, or at least from the list of electable women. Apparently the reason many of these young dudes were so shocked about Belinda Stronach's rumoured activities was because they believed that she was unusual; that she had a libido like a man, inferring that other women don't regularly have great orgasms.

Uhhhhhh, not quite....

Every woman I know either has or wants to have great sex and great orgasms. Even the politicians and lawyers and CEOs. I may not have agreed with all of Ms.Stronach's political positions, and I feel sad about her recent breast cancer diagnosis, but her personal life was pretty damn irrelevant, IMO, and slamming her for liking sex? Dumb...considering half of all voters are female and like sex too.

Even the infertile and recurrent miscarriers like me want to have great sex lives. Yes, even US.

Bataan Death March Sex month after month as we do timed intercourse on strict medical orders, lupron & follistim injections that leave as dry as dustbowls, ovarian failure that steals our desire, idiotic researchers who try to preach the lie that HRT is bad, medically ordered to refuse sex we really really want during high-risk pregnancies, and male factor IF that depresses our loving adorable fabulous husbands, all the hell our marriages go through, and yet, still, we want great sex, always have, always will even if the public can't handle it.

So Reality and December Baby and I went to Come as You Are and met just the nicest saleswoman EVER. I have to confess, I haven't been to this store before, but I have been to a few other places, whose ambience was....errr.....decidely creepy. Come As You Are on the other hand was very very welcoming, open, clean. They have battery loaded samples of each item they sell on shelves with instructions and everyone is welcome to touch, pick up, look at, whatever. Okay, maybe not WHATEVER right there in the store, but you know what I mean. Ask for whatever you want to buy and they bring it up from the storeroom in a sealed box. Nice, because you know that except for a brief test at the front cash to check if it's in working order, no one else will be gazing on your personal purchase except for you and your significant other.

I liked the store's emphasis on health and safety and cleanliness. They have phthalate free items, latex free ones for those with allergies, and even instructions for keeping everything nice and sterile. Especially important for IFer's because picking up an intrauterine infection, or bacterial vaginosis or yeast can make it difficult implanting our little fetbryos. Kind of a problem....their website has lots of great info, for those of you who own pre-existing toys and want some ideas or want to order something but might feel nervous walking into a store.

I confess, I already own a Pocket Rocket, in fact I've owned a few and ahem...bought newer versions as the old ones got phased out.

This is the amazing one that has been around for a few years and is renowned for having a very very strong vibrating action. Rosie O'Donnell is rumoured to have given them out in party loot bags in the past. Celebrity endorsed you might say...lots of movement in a tiny package, it can be used during intercourse or all alone. And even for women with very very low estrogen, it can wake the dead...no kidding...if you can't have an orgasm on it, your blood E2 is likely below 5, and ummmm get thee to a Doc. Safe for women who are allowed orgasm but not intercourse during a high-risk pregnancy. Downsides - handsfree is not possible, and noise might be an issue.

I bought a few new things yesterday.

An old favourite of mythical IF'er, Charlotte from Sex and the City is the Rabbit Pearl, which has dual action and a multi-level controller conveniently located on a separate remote. Very good for solitary use or with a loved one, but not really usable during intercourse In an interesting twist, just might help bring on labour for those of us at the end of nine months, who are praying for our cervixes to dilate and have uncooperative husbands. And conversely, not so good for those who want their cervix left completely unstimulated during a high risk pregnancy. (Just remember to use a condom or be very very careful when cleaning, regardless.) Definitely not as intense as the Rocket, but a really different experience so perhaps not comparable? I approve of it.

The Cone is a handsfree one that is very different from the average and a cool design. I still haven't tried out all the variations. (This website has more.) Trying everything would take weeks and Mr.C. was tired last night after we "reviewed" my purchases. But so far, very very cool. Worth a $130 bucks? Umm, not sure. That's a lot for something like this. For solitary use, not bad, but I'll have to post an update on the various multispeed options/positions, etc. if Mr.C. ever recovers from yesterday's testing. There are a lot of combinations possible. I say, if you are looking for something unique and have the spare cash, go for it.

I also bought this Silver Vibe, but Mr.C. & I wouldn't recommend it. Unfortunately, there are some things mechanics can't duplicate and I guess this is one of them. Damn....oh well.

And my find of the day, not really a toy I have to admit; they sell a silicone based lube called Pink that in actuality is the best damn antifrizz hair leave-in conditioner I've ever used. Just pure dimethicone & silicone. It might work as a lube, I have no idea cause I'm not using it down there, just on the top of my head. Fabulous for my overprocessed hair. Makes it look like those models on the commercials. I used to use Citre Shine, but they took it off the market. Thank God I found a replacement!

So our final results: Rocket, a classic that is still awesome, Rabbit, good, but in a different way, Cone very good so far, final results still pending, waiting for the Russian judge to file. Silver Vibe, eliminated from the competition.

Gold medalist: My hairstyle.


P.S. most comments a-ok, any trolls will be deleted, k?

Dinner & Music

Scientific studies are generally either causation or correlation and are pretty easy to tell the differences between, as long as you are careful with them. Causation means we can show a direct link with physical evidence, and those studies can be smaller, but still be pretty accurate. Correlation studies are simply seeing that two things occur at the same time or circumstances, and for there to be any accuracy, you have to exclude anything that could cause a problem, and you need really large numbers involved.

I once explained it to my kids like this. Almost every night we have dinner at our house. Almost every night we have music playing during dinner. For exclusions - Music is not played during lunch or breakfast. A simple correlation might be that dinner causes music, or music causes dinner. A study might be designed to observe how often dinner and music happen together. A small sample of nights at our house, from say...the last several weeks would prove that dinner causes music.

But if you were to observe over several years, you would note that dinner did occur without music long ago. You would see that in other homes, dinner occurs with or without music, and that music is played even when no dinner is planned or eaten. A bigger sample gives different results.

Or a REALLY good scientist would carefully test Mr. or Mrs. Cotta by preventing them from flicking the on switch to the stereo prior to dinner, or maybe make them eat dinner in a lab without any source of sound.

Or he could just get his head out his ass, and realize that dinner doesn't cause music.

Which leads me to the ESHRE conference this year that has been turning out loads and loads of papers, presentations, studies. Only one problem...most of them seem designed to get headlines, not progress the cause of curing infertility.

I once mentioned to a friend that several of the REs, OBs & Peris we all see are very PR savvy & competitive, and I don't think she believed me. But really, most of these guys have loads of dough, so much that when I run my annual Google, Lexis-Nexis, & credit check on each of my Docs, they come up overflowing with cash. (No, I'm not kidding, when I was young and naive I dreamed of kind & competent Doctors, now I'm old and bitter I want to read the case files on all their lawsuits...)

So I know it's all about headlines.

How else can I explain the fact that this piece of trash got presented? There was no separation of methods of alternative therapies, no tracking of who saw a licensed Naturopath or Acupuncturist vs. who just bought a bunch of crap from their local health food store. They literally lumped every single type of treatment together, but of course, didn't take into account that patients LIE about alternative treatment to medical Doctors all the time. Why do they lie? Because so many medical Docs dismiss alternative therapy without ever actually studying it, and patients are so afraid of the white coats, they don't want to fess up. They can end up harming themselves because of dangerous interactions, or wasting their money on things that don't work. Or tragically, they could miss out on something that does work.

I remember one pharmacology lecture at our local big university, and the prof described a study they had done on Greens. The creator claimed it was wonderful for health and energy and the immune system, but without a study, no proof. So...they did a study. And in a large double-blind placebo vs. Greens randomized control trial, the people taking Greens had better functioning immune systems & better health, as measured by blood tests, compared to the beginning of the study.

But no-one wants to hear that, they only want the bad stories. So we have trashy poorly done studies, and GREAT BIG HEADLINES.

Like this next one, a discussion of PGD and IVF outcomes. I can't begin to describe all the problems I have with this study, but you know I'll try. Causation studies are 100% better than correlation studies at a level of 408 patients per group, I believe. That's far too small in my opinion when we don't even know for sure why the women were doing fertility treatment. Had everyone of them gone through a thorough diagnostic workup for thrombophilias? Had they all had laparoscopy to check for endometriosis? Did any of them have genetic or chromosomal issues that might've clouded the results? Was it simply blocked tubes? Male factor? If so, did they have ongoing adhesions elsewhere that might've harmed follicle development or implantation? Why were only women 35+ put in the study when we know that women of all ages are susceptible to chromosomal losses, which is why the SOGC now recommends offering prenatal screening to all women?

We don't know the answers to these important questions, because it was poorly designed.

A better example is the genetic study I was in. It had only 50 people in each group (patients & controls), but it was a causation study. Every woman, even the controls, had had a laparoscopy and either had proof of endometriosis by pathology, or proof they were endo free. Then they did a gene test looking for PAI-1 alleles. 48 of the women who had endometriosis had the PAI-1 4G/4G allele or the 4G/5G allele. The women without endo had the 5G/5G allele. This gene prevents excess fibrin from being swept away whenever a tear, even a micro one is caused. Endometriosis adhesions are fibrin. That's causation people.....so 100 total divvied into two groups is okay. More is better, but at some point we have statistical confidence. Would it be better to watch the fibrin as it grows? A little bird told me they have done it in a lab. Just a bit harder in a live woman because we don't know how to stick tiny cameras into the body for years on end yet.

For the PGD study, embryos were sampled very very early, which leads to the possibility of mosaicism, or that the scanning they used was not adequate. The lead researcher (and I'm using that label loosely....eyeroll) admitted that they had not scanned every chromosome that could possibly show up. WTF? There ARE methods that can scan for every chromosome, so why the hell wouldn't they have used the more advanced procedure? This is the equivalent of using substandard old-style radiation treatment for cancer, and declaring that radiation doesn't work! Now we have NO WAY of knowing why the women miscarried, because all chromosomal abnormalities like say Trisomy 3, 4, 5, 6 etc....cannot be excluded.

You know how they could've saved this study?

By finding out why each woman in the study lost their embryo. Think about it, for IVF at least we know that sperm met egg, we know that sperm and egg were growing and dividing and at least one did get into each uterus. No one checked if it was a receptive environment ahead of time, so no one could take low molecular weight heparin, or aspirin, or extended progesterone, or steroids, or hcg....but they could've looked afterwards, right?

For almost every single case in this study they could've done chromosomal analysis on the fetal tissue, or checked for calcifications, or inflammation, or infection, or thrombophilias. Many of the pregnancies in this study ended after 6 weeks and many after 12 weeks, so why couldn't they look?

For each pregnancy were there any cases of birth defects? Terminations for fetal anomalies? IUGR? Preterm deliveries? Pre-eclampsia? Stillbirths? - a serious cause of death which is regularly excluded from stats simply because it makes the study numbers look bad and no one wants to find the causes of stillbirths?

On the live babies who are born afterwards, were any chromosomal tests done? Any metabolic tests? Were there any children with mosaic results?

Without follow-up and outcomes what is the point of this, besides headlines?

This study, once again, is bullshit. 'Scuse me while I go pick music for tonight's dinner. It would be a better use of my time I think.