So far so good

I've been feeling pretty decent, even after some upsets and fights this week, so I'm thinking my mood is lasting.

Which is good because my therapy will soon come to an end, sadly. I really like this Doc because she is a medical doctor who does talk therapy and understands medications and all of it combined. Plus she is free courtesy of OHIP. Quite often therapy is paid for here unless you have benefits. Originally I got to see her as part of a brief therapy program at a hospital. (brief therapy is a bogus concept, btw...strictly for budgets, not for patients.) She extended me because she could not take on any extra patients due to the fact that she was going on ----maternity leave.

Yep, she's pregnant. And due soon. Nice part is, she is very very much the "deserving & appreciative" kind of pregnant woman that I cannot resent, plus she has been very open and willing to discuss any feelings I have about it all. (Occasionally I just pretend in my head that she is fat, but I'm pretty OK with her overall.)

So I have another couple of appointments, and then, no more. I'll start shopping around for another one soon, I guess. I keep wishing she could still see me, but she'll be gone awhile and her program won't let me enroll with her again. And it's unlikely she will go into private practice anytime soon.

As for the fights and upsets? Well, besides kid squabbles, etc. Mr.Cotta and I have had a few intense discussions, mostly about money, and soon solved. And my Volvo dealership has been a source of stress, since our Volvo wagon has been in and out of the shop for of all things, broken seatbelts. I can't actually believe that is even possible, but it's true, the damn things broke. (Now I know why that lease was such a cheap deal....they were selling lemons...*eyeroll*.)

My family Doc's office called, and she wants to see me about the RAIU results. Not urgent, like next week, so I think she's going to try to convince me that I'm fine, regardless of the test results. But, after my recent therapeutic revelations, I have decided that this is not on. It is NOT my responsibility to cure myself. It's their's, and those Doctors are going to have to stand up and take some responsibility for not doing their jobs.

And that is what most of my latest foray into EMDR was about; figuring out whose "fault" things were and whose "responsibility" it is. I'll post longer about it next, but to sum up, I've been blaming myself for things that aren't really my fault. Punishing myself for things I have little control over. And letting people off the hook who are at fault.

This has also resulted in my personality constantly being defensive, and angry, and unable to see other points of view. I want to be kinder to others and to myself, both online, and in every day interactions. I'll make myself sick if I don't.

I wish everyone in blogland could be kind to each other, especially about sensitive subjects like children and pregnancy infertility and loss and adoption. We are all so wounded already, do we need to be harder on each other? "Judge" each other's ways?....I don't think so...it hurts me to see people I care about fighting. It doesn't matter who started it or who ends it, we need to learn from one another.

I'm going to go read some more blogs now, I'm a bit behind, I've been enjoying the view from the happy side of the world, thanks!

Lighter me loving me

I just came back from an EMDR session with my therapist, and I'm feeling----interesting.

It was huge, important, space defining in a way I can't quite figure out just yet. I know I said I was stuck in a hole before, but I'm not sure I am any more. I don't know. It's all still processing.

I'm smiling, relaxed, lighter, happier. I've had so many stuck sessions, and this wasn't.

Did you know that I'm not responsible for every bad thing on earth that happens?

Did you know that all bad things are not my fault?

Twenty years of therapy and I could say these things endlessly, logically, like a parrot with a cracker, but until today, it was defensively, like I needed the world to confirm it was true, to prop up my self-esteem.

I feel like I might believe it in my heart today. Not just think it in my brain.

Maybe, I just might love myself today? Yeah....

A new solution?

My bronchitis is better due to the massive amounts of antibiotics & steroids in my system. It is now safe to tell you that I was close to going to the hospital in the middle of the night last week, but thanks to laryngitis and multiple paralyzing muscle spasms I was unable to wake my husband up either by yelling, crying, or hitting, so he never knew, and I woke up alive, so here I am.

(No, he missed the part where I was gasping for breath and twitching 3 inches from his head half the night...cause he wakes up for every noise, she notes with slight sarcasm...)

But, I am MUCH better now, at least physically. Emotionally, slightly wonky. To answer a few queries from my last post,

Yes, DD it is healthier than the alternative, I agree; Adrienne, I had all sorts of dreams about how I imagined my life turning out, that deserves a separate post, it wasn't totally pollyanna aka out of reach, but, it wasn't this; Artblog, very cool about your brother, and yes, I have a shrink, and we talk about this, but it's not enough anymore, I need to be more open I guess.

And thank you all of you for your kind words...I'm just going to keep going and forge ahead, and hopefully fit in somewhere.

My current goal with therapy BTW, is doing EMDR to find a way to deal with all this mess in my head. I know it isn't proven with evidence-based medicine just yet, (lots of studies are underway, some finished) but I've done CBT and other types for years, to no avail. I know all the logical easy answers to why I feel the way I do, but it hasn't changed how I feel. So I'm looking for other answers now.

I've also looked into this new use for an old drug, propranolol, being used for PTSD and trauma. 60 minutes had a good story with a bad title, "A Pill to Forget, Can a medication suppress traumatic memories?" Of course, the pill does NOT erase or even fuzz memories at all. It does take the terror and anxiety away from the experience, allowing a little bit of detachment, so that the victim can stop having nightmares, depression, flashbacks, even regain a normal life. Supposedly, it blocks the adrenaline molecules from flooding the brain with adrenaline & altering therefore damaging the brain structure of the victim. It may work for immediate trauma, or trauma from the past, again something else they are studying.

There have been a few poorly done TV dramas on the subject, including a Boston Legal with a ludicrous storyline. I like that show usually, but this time----ehhh, no. They were actually trying to say it is better for society if trauma victims are still feeling their trauma, because this will help us be better, more compassionate human beings. I wonder if they'd tell a cancer victim to keep their tumour, or stay bald, and weak, and sick, you know for society's benefit?

Anyway, Mr.Cotta is out of town, so I'm off to do errands and take care of the kiddos while he is gone. Must fake it til I make it I guess.