Seeing clearly now

I am sorry to have abandoned you all, my what 10 blog readers now? Oy...bad me. I've been running around at home and to lots of other blogs and trying to catch up, although Mel's advice to just declare bloglines bankruptcy and start over is likely right.

Last week, after finding out my GP didn't have any Swine Flu vaccine, I took the kids out of school and lined up for the shots. We had to go to a couple of places and luckily I discovered they were giving them out downtown at Public Health's Head Office, and I begged and pleaded my way in. I'm sure that I had it and same with Mac, but since no one would swab us, I needed insurance for Kaz and the nanny and Baby Julius. The staff were quite hostile at first, and almost had a guard throw a bunch of us out, but we all just kept smiling and begging and eventually the crowd wore them down. We got in, and filled out the insane paperwork, and each sat for the shot. Luckily I remembered the infertility video from Youtube that showed if you relaxed the muscle, an IM shot was painless. Either let your arm go totally limp, or stand pigeoned toed if you have to get it in the gluteous maximus. (Heehee, that means bum!)

I'm quite amazed at the controversy over the shot. I mean, I don't love every vaccine out there, frankly some are overpriced schlock. But for any serious illness? Oy...every ICU in town is overflowing. Maybe it's because most people haven't seen the kinds of tragedy I have in life, but everytime I see someone writing cavalierly about all the deaths from this, it drives me crazy.

Like it can't happen to them, only to "other people" like me.

I'm the boogeyman once again. And on both sides! I'm the one with the dead kids so I'm the scary talisman to those afraid of the swine flu. And I'm the one with the kids with ADD/ADHD/LD, and Kaz and I have reactions to vaccines, so I'm the scary talisman to the people afraid of the vaccine. So can we talk about proportions and odds?

Swine flu does cause miscarriage and stillbirth and neonatal death due to prematurity, no question, but lots of other things do too. I would know. Trust me on this.

92% of unvaccinated pregnant women will not get so sick on H1N1 that they will be in hospital or on a vent or die. But 8% will. Where will you be? Well, 90% of my blog readers may be fine, but 10% may not. *

Which one are you? Fucked if I know....it's airborne...you breathe air? I do.

Vaccines do cause a few minor side effects like sore arms in some people. But not the majority of people. And they sure as hell don't cause ADD or LD. Those have some pretty strong genetic ties. Again, I would know. Trust me on this. But you and your kids are not going to have the rare odd neurological reactions that I have had for lots of vaccines. You won't have febrile seizures and motor tics for days and you won't feel like a truck hit you. (I felt that way after the meningitis vaccine for example, but I willingly did it, because meningitis is way worse. So my hand shook like a mofo while I drank my coffee for a while. Meh, it is what it is.) I am the one in a million medical oddity. You are the 999,999 out of a million. It's ok, I've accepted that fact. You can too.

If you don't accept that, and instead project all of your inner terror on me, it diminishes the very real suffering I did go through as I lost my babies. It also diminishes everything I have done to survive and thrive.

And that is not ok.

So do you think you could all stop the transference?

(Exceptions being anyone with their own shit....)

At some point we have to live and go on and try to enjoy life. I got my shot and feel fine. (Yes, I know....felt like I should report my incredibly strange for me non-reaction to Health Canada as well.) And I am going to keep trying to change and transform and enjoy my life even if something bad happens in the future. I have to. I can't just sit around waiting for the wheel of doom to run me over. It's gonna have to chase me if it wants me.

Anyway, I've been mulling things and I decided to go ahead with something I really wasn't sure about. LASER eye surgery! So today I will lie down on a reclining chair and willing let a strange man point a LASER at me and carve a pentagram in my forehead gently shape my cornea so that I am no longer legally blind and wearing coke bottle glasses or contacts.

The contacts were getting hard to wear and I was constantly battling pinkeye. Really not ideal. At some point soon, I was no longer going to be able to wear them. Which meant verybadthings.

So at 11 am I'll be getting done. And for 2-3 days later I can barely even look at a computer screen. Something about glare? It will kill me! I'm going to ask Mr.Cotta to read me comments and posts and tweets and online articles so I don't lose my mind.

How in the fuck am I going to live for 72 whole hours without the internet? This could be--an adventure. I guess we'll have to see!

*Numbers approximate for sake of conversation

Pigs are flying

Since I got back from BlogHer, I have had swine flu, and now the baby has swine flu and we are trudging through. Mac had it last June, but now---oy. I thought I dodged a bullet, but apparently it's hard to catch, and he just didn't pass it on properly, bad child. Would have been much more convenient to get in June, you know.

I have been doing some commenting when possible. The only other things I have updated are Facebook rarely and twitter cause I can reach them on my blackberry, and I long ago mastered the art of balancing a cellphone while a small child screamed in agony and slapped the shit out of me at 4:00 am.

(If you aren't on twitter, you can read me and anyone there, by clicking on the sidebar link and reading them, or you can read any tweets on google reader or bloglines by clicking on the little orange button with the wavy lines that sits on a twitter profile. )

Piggy flu baby Julius looks pretty healthy during the day except for the runny pink eyes, runny nose, coughing, whining, diarrhea, cramps, intermittent fever and such. It's the all night screaming that kind does me in. But it's really not bad. Not as bad as RSV anyway.

Oh, about BlogHer? Best goddamn thing I've ever done. The keynote speeches? Rocked my world, I laughed, I cried, I saw whole worlds I never knew existed. I adore these women. I think I'd hurt anyone who tried to hurt them. Mostly because, as I told Mel (Stirrup Queens-Mel), you have all saved my life. When no one on earth cared about my pain, you were the women, and men, who stood by me and kept me going.

I can't forget that.

Which is why I have such an need to save you all right back.

And the rumoured, supposed bad behaviour of some women? I didn't see any negative things, but then again I'm used to Liberal Party conventions, and ummm, errr, let's just say that Liberals really are on a whole 'nother scale of rowdy, ok? I've seen fistfights, and near riots and pregnant women being almost crushed in crowds if it wasn't for the security details. I've seen things that would blow your mind, at Tory conventions, (literally, table full of blow) and Dipper conventions (don't ask...) too, so hey, maybe I'm jaded?

(And yes, they were male dominated conventions, and no one blinked an eye at their behaviour. Hmmmm, coincidence?)

I do think that some of the companies involved at BlogHer acted poorly. I won't get very detailed here, but I do think they misjudged their audience. They seemed rather self absorbed, and not very aware that people like me, consumers with large budgets, were there. In fact, I don't think it actually occurred to them that some of their company's stockholders might be there, watching them.

Little message I'd like to get across:

Hi Marketers, not everyone at BlogHer is poor, or lacking in connections. Some of us don't need ads or free swag, (Yes, we'll take it, for fun, but we don't need it, big difference). But we were so totally fucking unimpressed with your company's patronizing sales reps and marketers that we short sold your stock for kicks when we got home. In fact, some of us have friends, who manage mutual funds and pension funds, and we told them that you suck at customer service as well.

You know, like I would, if I was one of those not so poor not so connected types.......

Heh

I know--marketers think all mommybloggers are poor and grasping and desperate for ads and freebies. And some do need the cash and more power to them if they can feed their kids and make it. But whether we need the money or not, we all deserve respect and dignity. Cause you never know who is watching. And who has the back of her peeps.

Anyway, I just know that I have 1400 new friends, all fabulous, kind, and lovely women. We laughed and drank and learned about Google SEO and deep links and design and all sorts of cool stuff.

And then we all caught BlogHerebola from each other.....scuse me while I go take some cold meds and go to bed.

I'm here, just blocked

I'm not disappeared totally, just blocked on something big I need to write about. This week I have been hysterical and upset and freaking out and calmer and angry then strategizing. Sort of in that order.

Doctors suck, life sucks, and then----you just decide to forget about everything.

Political buddies--friends I met in Vancouver? It was lovely lovely wonderful and awesome meeting you, but FYI, this is more of a personal blog, and although I do write about politics sometimes, you might not find what you are looking for.

Oh, and Manuela and I did not end up meeting, darn. She is doing well, single, and enjoying her life in BC. (Psst, she is on Facebook if you ever want to say hi!)

My pumped breastmilk made it back, in my checked luggage, although it did get squished, and I lost about 1/3 of the bags to bursting or spoiling. Made me cry. All that work, down the drain. I still fail to understand why Stephen Harper is terrified of my breasts? They really aren't that scary dude! Even the Americans aren't scared of pumped breastmilk and Medela breastpumps. In fact, in every country around the world, they are just fine with women bringing breastmilk back after being separated from their babies. Meanwhile CATSA scanned me like I was a terrorist and ignored my letter from the breastfeeding clinic stating it was a real medical device.

Boobheads.

blogging a little, maybe a lot, maybe too much

Still tired as hell and not sure why. I think when I returned I got a cold or something? Or maybe it's because the baby is up all the time. Off to a walk-in clinic and maybe I'll feel better after he feels better.

There are a dozen things I'd like to blog about, especially the Nanny Series the Star is running right now. I'm glad the province is going to legislate the agencies--but that really won't solve the problems inherent in the system. I mean, for pete's sake, why are nannies forced to live with the employers? Why isn't it a choice? And why does it take two friggin' years to sponsor a nanny you've never met? What if she arrives and doesn't like you, or you don't like her? And it takes months to get a permit when a nanny does want to change jobs. Why? It takes one hour to fill out all the forms and two years for a civil servant to read? WTF? And for infertile women like me, who have gone through multiple losses, asking me to sponsor a nanny ages before I even get pregnant or have a live baby is not just stupid, it's cruel. (Same for parents who are trying to adopt or foster, btw.) What was I supposed to do, apply every month for a nanny and when I get my period or have another miscarriage I call up and cancel? And then apply again the next day? Over and over and over again every month for years? At nine months I still needed therapy to buy a pack of diapers, never mind hire a nanny....I remember contemplating a nanny, and thank God we were able to find someone who I didn't have to sponsor. After that high-risk delivery I was incapable of taking care of the baby alone and I needed a caregiver for myself, not just a baby nurse.

What do people do who experience sudden disability or have a stroke or need eldercare or lose a daycare spot do because their daycare shuts down? Quit their jobs? I guess the federal government thinks they should be screwed, huh?

Here's an idea. Let the nannies apply to Immigration as certified caregivers, and arrive in whatever numbers that arrive. We know that all of them will be hired instantly because we have such a huge need due for eldercare and childcare. HRDC has documented it. Then have employers apply to immigration as certified employers and let them hire whoever they want, whenever they want. They just let the government know when they get matched up and go from there. And no one has to live with anyone if they don't want to. Simple.

Next question: Why is it that after a nanny has worked for two years as a live-in caregiver, and should be automatically eligible for citizenship, then why does it take another two years to get landed immigrant status? And cost $900? They have already passed security and health checks, etc. the first time they entered. They fulfilled all their obligations, for fuck's sake. It should be instant. Fix all that slow as molasses bureaucratic mess, and you fix all the issues. As for the media coverage, some of the objections that have come up in the comments of the articles on the Star are pretty stupid as side issues go. There are almost no Canadians born here* willing to work as nannies, regardless of how much you offer to pay, so no, I really wish all the anti-immigrant right wing nutbars would STFU about how we should be keeping jobs at home. Face it, white Canadians like me are lazy and overprivileged and won't work as caregivers. I'm just willing to admit it. ;) HRDC is a lot more polite about it, but who is kidding who people? If we were willing to change diapers for a living, then there would be applicants for jobs. As it is, there are none. The other strange thing is the comments from people who don't like anyone hiring nannies, white or foreign at all, because they think that anyone with a nanny is a Forest Hill snob. Umm, not quite. I remember thinking that and feeling a bit odd about it until I got used to the idea, but it really can be a good solution for some people. In Canada, excepting Quebec, daycare spots are as scarce as hen's teeth and if you can get one, it's incredibly expensive for anyone with more than one child. Plus, schlepping more than one kid to a daycare is difficult at best. In the rain or the snow? In a rural area or for anyone with a long commute? On a day when the kid is sick and you pray that the damn daycare won't turn you away? And some of us have no relatives, or relatives that are too old and disabled to look after young kids, or some of us have moms who are young enough to still have jobs and work for a living and can't work for free and watch our kids.

Lots of families use nannies to help with big families. Some have money, lots don't. Some have made a philosophical choice, some have medically fragile children who cannot go to daycare. Some have extended family like an older relative who needs care in the same house as young children.

It's just life--now if only the government would help people instead of screwing up the system so much. Sigh....

As you can see from this long extended rant, I need to get some more professional intellectual stimulation. I wasn't going to write, and then I did. I am behind on posting and commenting and reading. Not good. I keep writing and rewriting this post, and my brain has lots to get out. But writing in the house is hard because the baby is taking up my attention. Or my older son wants to know what a "period" is and I had to turn red while explaining. Or Mac wants to show me his latest Bionicle creation. And I am running my ass off because I have to run this house on my own while my husband goes off and has brilliant conversations with intelligent people and I am stuck---here. Blogging is great, but I need to get out of this house, and speak to real people in person.

I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I need something else. Maybe someone can hire me to fix the government, hmmm? Unlikely. They like it being a big goddamn disaster.


*with the exception of one commenter on my blog, and one woman I've met personally, I've only met foreign born nannies in 13 years of parenting, really.

Obsessions

I have become addicted to TripAdvisor and all the unofficial websites for my resort, and every baby travel website out there. Plus the airline and government websites and things like Seatguru that analyzes exactly which seats are good and bad and in between.

Seriously, OCD me has googled until her hands are broken. I found almost all of the sites on the entire internet. Am a control freak my peeps.

Wee Travel Baby Equipment across Canada & her blog Wee Travel - also has links for many other cities all around the world for renting baby equipment at resorts or business trips or when seeing family.

Travels with Baby is a great blog by a lovely mom who has also written a book, with all her amazing travel tips. Lots of links there to lots of resources.

Family of Five Vacations - seriously driving me nuts that anyone who isn't Mom, Dad, and 2 kids over 5 and under 12 is pretty much SOL for vacations, and this site has an entire list of vacation destinations that cater to large families and groups that don't fit the traditional mold. They also have a list of places that have baby clubs and kids clubs and the ages they cater to. Parents of multiples and blended families take note! Someday you will have money again and want to travel somewhere and this site could help!

The Travel Stop - great Toronto store for things for your trip.

These dumb rules about liquids are making me crazy, I must admit. I have a friend who works in a rather shall-we-say "secure type" area, and he has repeatedly laughed his ass off at this set of rules. All of the really threatening people are suicide bombers---so even if we all got onto planes naked and carrying not one thing and starved and dehydrated ourselves---we'd still be at risk from the guys who would just swallow a timer and implants made of Semtex and rub their bits together.

The key to preventing terrorism on planes is the same as any crime prevention. We need to watch out for each other and take care of each other and get to know our neighbors, whether on a plane or a street or a park. We need to be brave enough to get involved and tell someone when we see something suspicious and we sure as hell can't just leave it all up to the government and pretend it's all about whether or not we accidentally put a 4 ounce bottle in our carry-on as opposed to a 3.4 ounce.

Serious eyerolling here---we drive boring ol' people like me up a wall with this, but we still to this day have never secured the rear entrances of airports properly. I can't wear a decent nursing bra because of the metal detectors, but anyone with a pulse can wander onto a loading dock after jumping a fence near the 401.

Why yes, my government is run by a bunch of morons, did you assume otherwise?

Anyway, I have bought all of my mandatory teeny bottles of stuff and am just organizing medication lists and baby supplies, and I will be a good little Canadian and submit to the mandatory virtual colonoscopy aka security inspection all of the law-abiding citizens have to endure.....but I will still insist that it is stupid as shit!

Funny thing about the baby supplies. I never really thought about all the stuff I'd have to bring besides the car seat, but it turns out that I am going to have to do a WalMart run when I arrive. Baby food is not sold or provided at the resort of course, and shipping it involves potential breakage and customs thingies and weight overloads. They have Gerber and other major brands so I'm hoping it will all work out. Diapers are expensive at the resort, so either I bring those and wipes and a bunch of other things, or just pray and hope I can fit it all in. Our Pack and Play weighs 3000 pounds so I'm thinking about buying or renting a lighter one like the new Phil and Ted's portable foldable 8 pounder. (Too expensive for a new one I will rarely use, am thinking about Craigslist?) My very lovely sweet friend loaned me her Quinny Zapp travel stroller; which also happens to work well on beach sand and yet fold tiny! I love my bugaboo but the risk of it being crushed by a stupid airline accident, i-yi-yi. No.

I am busy buying the kids clothes that fit and shoes and I've scheduled a hair cut and color. I'm going for a wax and manicure/pedicure this week. I bought some new lightweight luggage, enough for all of us to be able to pack! I even got another friend to loan me her old iPod Touch so I can surf without risking a $1000 bill from stupid Rogers for international data roaming or risking my laptop getting stolen.

I just haven't bought myself any clothes. No bathing suits. I have some old shorts and tops and things that fit. But except for sandals & water shoes, nothing so far. Mostly because I haven't lost as much weight as I'd like. And what I have lost, hasn't come off of my stomach. My face and back and legs and arms are skinnier, but I think that the slacker muscles are not going to suddenly tighten up prior to my trip. I am out of proportion, you know?

Which means I am really really going to look four or five months pregnant, unless I wear a bathing suit with German engineering so tight, it's like a girdle. Never mind the lifting of sagging things I'll need! Not very comfortable on a beach....

I am trying not to care, but as we've discussed, I am vain. I try to transcend it and be better and even kinder to myself. But in the end, I am obsessed.....

So any more travel advice, tips, ideas, thoughts, offers of free instant painless plastic surgery?

relieving the suspense

We paid some awful amount of money to temporarily fix the roof, and cleaned up all the rotting drywall and water. We hope it will last 6 months, but really it will only last until the next thaw, when another leak comes up in another spot. Husband is slowly accepting he will have to actually reno the house, and use the plans the architect is now rushing to do. Slowly. Some more ceiling needs to fall on his head perhaps? Dunno...

Dr.J. was not helpful. And she usually is. So disappointed. She thinks that I should LOWER my estrogen even though every single time I do that, I bleed like mad. She wants me to take only progesterone even though that makes me shake and get the jitters. Then she wants me to go off of everything for a week (Hello, divorce!) and then go on the pill, which is never enough estrogen for me. She does not seem to understand that in a woman with severe ovarian failure like myself, I do not produce any hormones on my own. So of course my moods are affected. And mood altering drugs don't help that. ADs, whatever, cannot make up for organ failure!

They'd never say this to a man who had kidney failure and was experiencing side effects of the disease.

Never.

Oh, and at first we could not understand the ultrasound report, because it said I had one fibroid and two normal looking ovaries, and some other weird stuff. Then we realized that someone had messed up my report and transposed the measurement numbers. Sigh....plus they did not note the position or placement of the fibroid, and so we can't do anything else. I have to go back for an ultrasound and a saline hysterogram. In case the fibroid is inner, or if I have a polyp, or scar tissue. Total fucking waste of time.....could have done this last fall if I had a requisition. And she did not give me a referral to an OB/Gyn because she wants to wait and figure this out. Thing is, unless it's urgent, I have to wait. And if I had a referral last fall....sigh...

Next, the entire family is sick and exhausted. We have colds and bad throats and Mr.Cotta is getting a man-cold, which as we all know is much much worse than any cold a woman could ever get.

And my son's school? The new high school which demanded all that testing and documentation and said they would move him up and give him more challenging work? Not quite.....they don't do that for anyone. Ever. Except that's a lie, and they did do it for a kid in his class in another subject and they do it for lots of people. Except that it's too late now. Except that "ooops", turns out we've been asking them to do this since last June and it's not our fault their heads are stuck up their asses and they were too disorganized to figure it out. I honestly don't get it. My poor husband feels shocked because he can't believe they are screwing this up.

If Einstein went to this school, they'd tell him to go to the back of the bus. They are really that awful.

January sucked. And if Julius wasn't here and learning how to crawl all on his own and being amazing, February would suck too. Poor Kaz, poor Mac, poor me and the house and Mr.C. If only grown up life were as simple as learning how to crawl...

Heroes with clay feet

So some of you may not have ever really read anything by my heroes. You know how much I admire Dr.Suess, aka Theodore Geisel. Well, he is lovely, but he isn't the subject today.

Today we're going to talk about the funny ladies of the world. Specifically the moms. Erma Bombeck is a woman I have always deeply admired. She and her compatriots in comedy, made it okay to laugh about being a mom and a wife, and not just a stepford clone. We could tell the world about yelling at our kids and chill about it, and no one minded. Hell, most of them got journalism awards and Emmies. I am pretty damn sure that when Erma wrote,"Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you," that no one called the police. In fact, I'll bet that was published in her weekly column and repeated on network television on Good Morning America, and guess what? No one even freaked on her and called Children's Aid. Like twenty years before blogs were invented, and everything!

What's that you say? Oh, that she wasn't infertile, she didn't realize how preshuuss her kids were and that's why she made fun of them?! Yeah, except that she was infertile, and her first child, a daughter, was adopted after they got the news, and her next two boys came as a surprise to her fertility doctor. And her I'm betting.

And she still wrote, "Children should be judged on what they are - a punishment for an early marriage."

But she was sane, right? She didn't have ADD like me, or bipolar illness like certain other moms, or post-partum depression. Weeeellll, except that actually she did have post-partum depression, and way back in the seventies, when nobody on earth was talking about it, she wrote a book on it. Here are some more bits of her writing I like. You should definitely read page 18. Honestly, it's like a manual for mommyblogging. Frankly, that exact column, "Motherhood - Love and Laughter" is the reason I blog. Because if I wasn't making fun of them, I would lose my fucking mind as I flush yet another toilet full of shit, that some mysterious almost teenage boy forgot to dispose of on his own. (You know how you think that when they are toilet trained, you are done dealing with their poop? Nope... every.damn.day.)

(Did I mention that I like to swear?)

(Fuckin A alright baby!)

It really does make me sad that we just don't seem to have that kind of humour nowadays. Everyone seems just so determined to be the perfect professional parent that no one is allowed to make a joke unless it involves puppies or kittens, or muffin recipes. I tried to talk about how I gave ground up adult food to the baby and was just being a whatever mom about feeding the kid, and I discover that you overanxious new mommies have given it a bloody name? And there are books, to take all the slacker fun out of it? Helllooo? What's next? I'm afraid to even guess.... Someday Sarah Silverman will have babies, and please God I pray that she makes fun of her kids and makes videos ridiculing them! Please? Please God?

I love Carol Burnett, and Lucille Ball, and Lily Tomlin, Bette Midler, Roseanne Barr, Gilda Radner, Brett Butler, Jennifer Saunders, and Dawn French. And lots of them made jokes about wanting to strangle their children and yell at them, and guess what? Not only did they rarely get scolded, and certainly no one on the planet ever accused them of abuse, but surprise, they got PAID for it.

Just like a lot of mommybloggers do.

Gee whiz.

In all seriousness, if there is anyone in the blogosphere who does not know what I am referring to, just go here and here. I agree with Tertia and Cecily on this one as you might have guessed. I am not linking to the original woman involved, because she wants the linking to end, but I do support her and hope she is okay. And I wrote this, because I wanted her to know that she didn't need to apologize to me or anyone else, IMHO. Erma never did, so fuck em all.

As a former abuse victim, I get why some people think they need to act, but guess what asshole, you need to act when you see a child actually being abused, not when you see a random writer on the net making a joke.

But I know what you are thinking, better safe than sorry, cause hey, what about the children?

Actually they do better if they stay with their parents, even abusive ones. Concern trolling is not helpful.

Yes, yes, you are not convinced, well, let's link to The Goudge Inquiry Report. There was yet another case filed today for yet another wrongful conviction of an innocent man who disgraced pathologist Charles Smith sent to jail. The man was grieving, in total agony, and he was arrested and told that he must have killed the baby, since well, you know, babies hardly ever die on their own. Dr. Charles Smith was kind of a concern troll in a way. He assumed that if a baby died, someone must be to blame, and he was going to punish them. Any and all off-handed remarks were evidence of a killer's heart. He made up the rest from there. No, that isn't a misprint. He made up all the forensic evidence, and hid anything that would exonerate the parents.

(Did I ever mention that he tesitified all over the US? And that he admitted to making up that stuff as well? And that all over the US there are likely innocent people in jail? Maybe some of the lawyers/prosecutors reading my post might want to do a search on their records. Just in case.)

In too many cases to count, on little more than the say so of gossip, with very little forensic evidence, the grieving innocent parents were sent to jail, and their remaining children adopted out, and never ever told that their parents were forced to give them up. When the parents got out of jail, their fertility was monitored, and if they got pregnant, they were forced to either have an abortion or give the new baby up at birth.

These children's lives have been destroyed, and their parents lives were destroyed, because no one cared about actual evidence of abuse. Instead, they felt like being, you know, "better safe than sorry."

Seriously, to the grieving moms out there, if, after your baby was stillborn, or died of SIDS, or pneumonia, or heart failure, you were arrested, and called a murderer, and sent to jail, and your older kids were taken away and adopted out to possibly abusive foster parents, and you were never allowed to have another living child again; what would you do?

And if it was because of a nosy neighbour, or a tweet, or bit of gossip, or a blog, would that make it okay, cause it was better to be judgemental and safe than sorry?

I don't think so.

I'm letting Erma have the last word.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

something else

I really should write about something else.


Just so you all know, whenever you feel bad, just watch some Rankin Bass cartoons. Rudolph's Shiny New Year is pretty awesome!

Then go to the movies, and some museums, and watch some kids playing outside.

Funny story, while I was feeding the baby this afternoon in front of an Old Master---(yes, I did bare my boob in front of a painting of a woman with a bare boob), the kids made a deal at the museum. Kaz offered Mac $15 to stop bugging him until they got to the car. But as they left the museum, Kaz, having gotten what he wanted, turned to him and said, "I don't have any money to pay you, so the deal is off." And Mac started to cry.

Which is when I heard the whole sordid story. And rolled my eyes...

First, we don't bribe for good behaviour. It starts up a whole set of problems, that I don't want to deal with. Like escalation, cause first it's a cookie, then 50 cents, then 1 dollar, etc etc. Other issue is blackmail, when the kid gets so used to getting paid, that they tell you either they get the bribe or they throw a fit right then and there.

I bribed once or twice, then said fuck it as things went downhill. I just got used to the screaming and eventually everyone behaved.

But it's not okay for Kaz to refuse to pay after getting services rendered either so I had a conundrum.

After much hemming and hawwing and consulting with the hubby, we decided to tax Kaz $15 for both proposing a bad deal that hurts the whole family and just generally pissing us off. (I am buying a bottle of wine with the $15.) We also rewarded Mac for excellent behaviour with huge amounts of praise and love. Plus I told him I would tell the entire world what an awesome kid I had.

So I am officially blogging that Mac is the best kid EVER.

Take note. hehe

Still here

I just realized that I'd left that awful post up, and yes things were insane, but slowly, they are improving. Julius has a cold, but it's getting better, same for mine. I've done some shopping, and I need to do more but oh well.

Thing is, I gave my nanny a few days off this week because her mom is going to the Philippines at Xmas for six months, and she wanted to spend some time with her. So I'm going a little nuts all by myself. No my husband isn't here, are you joking, he's still closing friggin deals. Likely he'll still work on Xmas if anyone will let him!! Back to the nanny issue-I'm referring to my nanny as the Nanny, by the way, simply because I'm out of blog names. IRL I do call her by her first name, as she requested, just in case someone assumes I call her "Nanny" in real life, a ridiculous idea.

I used to be the big daycare fan, never was going to use a nanny, blah blah blah, but schlepping one child to daycare is a lot easier and cheaper than schlepping three around. Plus, you can only work 9 to 5, and daycare spots at a good daycare are as scarce as hen's teeth in this country and stunningly expensive. Crappy daycare I can find, but a good daycare? Very very difficult. When we had our first two in a great top flight daycare, it was literally more expensive than a mortgage on a 600K house. (I figured it out one day when I was bitter.)

I am so lucky I found my nanny, and she really helps make my entire life run a lot smoother. Lots of people have mixed stories about nannies and some hate them, and some love them, but I think it also relates to how you treat them and pay them. For example, it turns out that I am one of the few employers on the planet who actually pays overtime, stat holiday pay and vacation pay. We give her a bus pass and a cell phone, because we expect her to have one when she has our kids and is taking them on the TTC or to the park, or the drop-in. (Literally, we treat cells, etc. like work equipment, just like at my husband's business. He subsidizes his other employee's work equipment, why not hers?) We want her to drive, so we're paying for driving lessons, etc. And we make sure she has a break during the day and gets lunch. And if I'm not home to relieve her, I have found another nanny in the neighbourhood and I get them to trade off covering each other, and I pay for it, so they each get some break time.

Apparently, lots of people treat their nannies like slaves, and then are shocked when the nanny isn't their best friend. Now, sure some people don't get along with others regardless, and there will always be poor job fits, but still----why on earth would you ever mistreat a human being who is entrusted with your precious child?

I don't know, people who are crappy to nannies mystify me. I figure if she's happy, then she'll be great to my kids, and they'll be happy, and I'll be able to leave my house on occasion and not worry. Right?

So, that said, I have to run and shop, or Christmas ain't happening. Back as soon as I can be.

If you have the time and are so inclined, what do you do for childcare? Cost? If you couldn't stay at home, (or wouldn't want to) what would your dream child care option be?

Schadenfreude

Once again, I am trying to listen to my better angel. Considering all the chaos with Liberal/NDP coalition and the Tories fighting for time, you can just imagine that I am glued to the television and computer and news reports. I am trying to be calm and content and wait and see, very mature and reasonable but really, secretly, I am giggling with glee and I want to do a victory dance!!!

AND JUMP UP AND DOWN LIKE A TWO YEAR OLD!!!

But I won't.

Bad me. Terrible. Very very immature. Must restrain self. Show respect for process.

WHILE FREAKING OUT AT HOW AWESOME THIS MIGHT BE!!!

Heh

Ok, on to other stuff. I was feeling a bit calmer because I had tweaked my hormones a touch. I added some progesterone because mine was close to zero, and it has made me feel a bit better. This is good because Friday night and Sunday night we had massive fights with Kaz, over pretty much nothing. Puberty in pre-teen son + premature menopause in mother = sucky house.

Julius' helmet is going well. We slowly upped the time spent in the helmet to 18-20 hours and he now sleeps overnight. The reason btw, that he wears it only 18-20 hours a day as opposed to 24 is because this particular design covers his head on top, except for some vent holes, an adjustable slot with a tightening band, and it goes down the back of the neck to just above the shoulders. This prevents tummy time and riding in some car seats. (Our car seat works with the helmet, not all do.) So he needs tummy time on the floor sans helmet in the morning for an hour or two, and then we do dinner, bath, and bedtime for an hour or two in the evening before it goes back on for sleep. Too much time in this kind of helmet can cause problems with sores on the head due to rubbing. Some helmets are open on top but his head has a pitch that is high in the back and slopes forward, plus we need to deal with the forehead, so this is the one we had to go with.

Have I mentioned the nasty superior comments that are slipping from the mouths of every parent who sees him. Sigh..."I made sure I changed my babies position regularly. Didn't you know to do that? You should have done that. Poor kid, too bad he has to suffer like that."

Nice.

If you see a news report about a woman with a helmeted baby randomly slapping people who speak to her, it's me. Raise bail please. Thanks.

Okay, really I can handle those people.~~~~~~~

(Yes, part of this post did disappear at some point....just in case anyone ever finds the blog. They are nice people I was talking about, just a little unwell in the head. In the meantime, rescue me from the schadenfreude, please.)

nope, not me

I'm not blogging about the US election, since every last personal blogger I read has already written about it. For once, the shoe is on the other foot, and I am secretly full of glee about it. See, I know that every time I blog about politics, you all roll your eyes and wonder, "What the hell is she talking about now?" and "Not again, can't she just talk about her vagina like the rest of us do?"

So about my vagina....
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HA FOOLED YOU.

No vajayjays here. Move along now.

*Chuckle at own joke*


Got that out of my system, now can I just say that this helmet business is no fun? My darling babies' ears are uneven and his head slants forward slightly and there is a dent in the back. I know because many measurements and pictures were taken, and then a very nice Orthotics person at Sick Kids explained to my incredulous husband that it was a moderate dent, (as opposed to mild or severe) but definitely there and that Julius would look like this for life if we didn't do it, and that he would never properly fit bicycle helmets or hockey helmets without extra padding and fitting, and that yes it was cosmetic, but it is so noticeable that it would not be covered up by hair.

Now picture me and the nanny sitting in the corner looking at each other in horror because we can't believe that could happen to OUR Julius, and we can't believe the grilling that Mr.Cotta is giving to the guy, like somehow Ortho's in it for the profit and is running around sticking helmets on perfectly good heads just to make a quick buck. Gah.....not that I want a helmet either, but once the guy confirmed that the aggressive head positioning we were engaged in was doing nothing, *weeps* I decided to just say do it. And in the end, so did Mr.C.

So what if we have to spend the next 6 months hidden indoors praying that no one ever looks funny at us. Or points their fingers at us. Or laughs at us. Or makes my mother bear instincts come out. Cause I'm bad like that. I'm the woman with the tire iron in her purse who goes nuclear if someone looks mean at her kid. Sigh....not cool. *Must control self*

Oh, and about my last posts---after much researching, and talking to a few people IRL I have discovered that when the word "gifted" comes up many many many people begin to act like assholes and apparently the advice I'm supposed to follow is to never talk about it IRL, but instead only on firewalled passworded forums so that random trolls do not call me a grasping/boasting/stage/managing/faker/elitist/pushy mother. (Yes, some people actually say that mean shit!)

But since I'm already the adoptee who talks not so nicely about adoption, and the infertile who talks about vaginas, and the grieving mama who talks about dead babies, and the pro-choice woman who aborted a wanted & loved but dying child, and the crazy hyper chick with ADD who gladly takes speed and tells the world that ritalin rocks and trolls everywhere haven't kicked my ass off the net just yet---oh fuck it, I may as well talk about this here too.

Specially since my real life friends are having funny reactions, and God do I need to vent.

One lady--lovely kind, encouraging.

Next one--helpful, kind of vague, then started telling me how that's the new "in" thing, and was this a new trend? Is that why I "did it?" I'm like--"Did what? Huh?"

Another---jealous beyond description and so desperate to compare numbers against her own kid and herself, that she started to breathe funny. Then starts to tell me how she knows EVERYTHING about gifted kids and everyone in her family is gifted and they are all experts and I must do it all HER way and this is the perfect school, not the one we are in. Froth is forming at the corners of her mouth....I back slowly away.....

An education professional---tells me I should give up on the entire system and homeschool. Commence eyerolling. I would suck at that. I know me well enough to know that for sure!

For me, it's sort of like I thought my kid was a duck, a nice little duck, and then one day I take him to a Doctor and he turns out to be a completely different animal like an octopus, but everyone around me is saying, hey great, he's like a swan! But he isn't a swan, he's an octopus.

Meanwhile, I have no books and no training on how to raise an octopus.

Like that list of things I did that are not PC to talk about---I mostly wrote that because I wanted you all to laugh, and to know that I'm not the crazy pushy mom, and no one has to be. My kids do some sports at school, but not rep hockey or competitive swimming or anything extensive like that. They go to camp in the summer, they go to church occasionally. They eat sort of crap and sort of good. They've never done Kumon or anything like that. They go to a private school, but it's nothing fancy, they have good academics, but it's not a crazy homework place. My kids just sort of came out like this, and damned if I know how. My only enforced rule with them is that the most important thing is to be kind to others. (Ok, and no wrestling near the china cabinet.)

And really, of all the things that mystify me about this situation, it's the world's refusal to believe that the universe makes some people different, different in ways we don't understand completely, but still real, still standing here in front of me. Some of us are mentally ill, and some of us are calm and even as still waters. Isn't what matters most, what people do in the world with their very different brains?

Cause some of us have bent heads and some of us have round ones.

And some Presidents are white and some Presidents are black, but what really matters in the end is if they are kind to others, right?

Right.

Still chewing this over

About Kaz being severely gifted....still weirded out. I thought that the psychologist sort of made this word up, but no, apparently it's a real thing. Once again Dr.Google is being most helpful. As are all of you. (Thank you thank you thank you----I love my friends in the computer!) I think I'm just not sure what the hell I'm supposed to do, and a lot of the information from Google I've found is American. Mostly because if there is information in Ontario, it's not loads. (Yes, I did find the link Lori mentioned, one bright lite!)

Why would we do anything about it? Well, so far I'm reading that there is a lot of evidence that kids like this can end up with serious socio-emotional problems if they are not challenged and encouraged the right way. (Question still to be answered: What is the right way?) For example, lots of them are so scared of sticking out of the crowd, they hide their gifts and pretend to be average just to fit in. Others become bored as hell and get in trouble. Many become perfectionists and get so anxious about their academic performance they become paralyzed and end up not even getting an education.

I went to the Ontario Ministry of Education website, and found sweet dick all. Apparently there are a lot of resources for the other end of the spectrum and lots for anyone who is average range of intelligence and has various LD, but almost zero for a kid who could do an entire credit of math in one day, instead of the minimum mandated 110 hours. Even if the psychologist, and we as his parents, and he himself, and the teachers and the principal all agree, it's hideously difficult to do. Apparently things are a little rigid that way....

We're not making any decisions yet, but I'm a little disgruntled to discover that some options are less easy than others. Then again, why should anything be easy?

Good things about this diagnosis:

I no longer feel guilty about the forceps at birth, the meconium, the untreated reflux, the time I dropped him, the time my husband dropped him, the times I didn't run fast enough to get him when he cried, the times I couldn't pump enough breastmilk for cereal or babysitting and he had to have some formula, the times he had diaper rash because I didn't change his diaper often enough, the eczema he had that I had forgot to rub cream on, the time he fell down the flight of stairs, the home daycare I left him in, the casual neighbourhood babysitters I left him with before that, the really great daycare centre I left him in that was still DAYCARE aka Teh root of all evil, the times when I was a stay at home mom who didn't know what the hell I was doing, the excessively lengthy amount of children's and adult television he watched, the insane amount of time he spent in the car commuting, the playdates I neglected to set up, the piano practice he had to do while Mac screamed at the top of his lungs, the playground visits we didn't do as much as the neighbours did, the times I worked outside the home, the times I stayed at home, the wine I drank, the germs I gave him, the genes I gave him, the McDonald's/pizza/transfat-ridden/allergy-infested fast food insta meals I fed him, the ritalin/concerta/adderall aka Teh second root of all evil that I gave him, the time he spent playing computer games, video games, gameboy games, and of course, making him go through all of our fertility and babyloss adventures when he was old enough to know what was going on.

And yes, I'm kind of making it sound funny/weird, but really, these are all things I have felt guilty about. Sort of why I always tell all of you to stop feeling guilty when you blog about this stuff.

Sigh....all that crap, all that stress, and somehow in spite of the fact that he's the kid we made all the mistakes on, he's got game.

Thank God, because Julius is going to see the helmet people about his bent head Monday morning and I'm so nervous I feel sick. But maybe a flathead won't matter either?

I've got lots of stressful things going on, so I may as well list them, best therapy ever I think. (And thank you for the comments on my previous post btw. Thank you thank you thank you.)

Tomorrow we find out what the test results are on the boys, and how we have to deal with them. I'm dreading it because I know I'll just feel guilty in the end. My fault, etc. More on that after tomorrow's appt.

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Good news: Kaz's first preliminary report card came out and it's great, all A's.

Bad news: that's because the new school with the provincial curriculum is so stupidly easy, he doesn't have to make any effort at all. Not exactly good for his character IMO. I wanted it to be easier when he hit university, not now....

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My husband's brother P is in worse and worse shape over in Europe. He seems to have burned through all of his money, isn't taking any of his meds, (or if he is, they are the wrong ones!), and he is very very ill, and may be homeless soon. He is only allowed to see his children under supervision, because of his previous actions, and has no friends there. He won't admit to having any problems, and insists that everyone else is the cause of all of his difficulties. Could his marriage and divorce have been handled better? Sure...and the industry he was in has had major financial problems, but neither of those things made him ignore his mental illness or become an alcoholic. I just wish that my husband did not have to bear the brunt of his abuse and anger.

The hardest thing on earth to do is watch someone you love die inch by inch.

Is it bad that I just wish this was over one way or another? That he would either get better and be perfectly fine, or not, with all that implies?

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Julius is waking up several times a night due to the cold wind whipping through our windows. But since we are still six months away from any renovations what with permits and drawings, etc. I can't justify spending the money to fix them. Really, I might be ripping it out right away, right?

So we have plastic over the windows....not exactly the classy image I was hoping for, sigh....

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I did have some good news, my not very formal effort to diet is paying off and I've lost a few inches on my waist. My jeans are loose and have to be held up with a belt! That good news was quashed by an irritating encounter on Saturday when TWO different people casually gestured towards my stomach and asked pregnancy related questions.

As if I was STILL pregnant.

And the baby is FIVE MONTHS OLD.

Honestly, that really crushed me, because it's not like I'm the only mom in the world who has extra weight, but sometimes I think that I am the only woman who has so much on her stomach. But should that matter? Isn't it incredibly rude for anyone to do that?

And why do I let jerks suck all the joy out of my life?

I think that's the real question.

Ups and downs

I just realized that I haven't posted in a while, so I thought I would let you all know what's going on.

Basically, for months now I have been rather disorganized and behind the eight ball. Pretty confused as well. Just before I had the baby I went off my ADHD/ADD medications since I was getting tired and wanted to nap more, plus I wasn't driving as much, and really I didn't think it was helping my blood pressure.

And then after I had the baby, I was very very sick and weak for a long time. I needed to be able to sleep whenever I could and just take care of me and him and let everything else go. (I wasn't very good at that. I kept trying to do things, I'd get frustrated and realize that you were all right to tell me that I should just lie down and chill.) Eventually I did give up stressing over it, which had the unfortunate side effect of things piling up.

I gave up on physio because I could never remember to go there or do the exercises. I gave up on pretty much anything that required me to be ontime and alert. Which means that between missed birthday parties and lost opportunities, life has kind of sucked for the family at large. Nannies can only do so much, reality is that they aren't going to take charge and replace parents completely. (And I wouldn't want her to, but damn if I could teach mine to do my filing and enter all my contacts and appointments into Outlook that would be sweet!)

So here I was stumbling along, and a few days after the election I finally hit the wall.

Or more accurately, I fell back from the wall where I had been adjusting curtains, and stepped on to Julius.

Who screamed loudly, and pitifully all the way to the ER while my husband drove all of us to the hospital. I was hysterical the entire time, convinced that I was a piece of shite mother, and they were going to call CAS, and maybe they should, and boy did I ever beat myself up.

Meantime, guess which baby smiled and laughed for the doctors and nurses the second we arrived? Yep, he was fine, and I was an anxiety ridden mess. They examined him all over, pronounced him perfectly okay, and sent us home, telling me that not to worry. Ha. Commence weeping and guilt immediately in mommyland.

I realized I needed my ADD/ADHD medication again, because I hadn't even been high up. I fell back when I was only 18 inches off the ground for pete's sake! I've always been clumsier off the meds, but this is ridiculous. (My spatial awareness is pathetic, I walk into walls, trip, bash myself, it's not good. ) So I called Motherisk and made another appointment. They took me the next day, and I met with the same Doc I saw before. He was lovely and kind, and very informative. Turns out that they had some data and some studies after he had met with me, and Ritalin and Concerta or methylphenidate, only end up in breast milk in microscopic levels. It's there, but barely measurable. Apparently the breast filters it out quite well, almost completely. Adderall and Dexedrine and various amphetamines do get into breast milk but in very very small amounts, just under 10% in the breastmilk of whatever the amount in my blood level would be. S

So literally less than if I had some wine with dinner or took narcotics for pain relief after the c-section.

In the end, the risk of me screwing up life by not paying bills and accidentally hurting the kids or getting into a car accident if I'm off my medication has outweighed any tiny risk of drugs in my milk. You may wonder, why not formula? Well, both my older kids have issues, Kaz is gifted ADD/LD, and Mac likely will get a diagnoses soon. Would they be even worse if I hadn't breastfed them? I don't know, but I do know that there is lots of evidence that breast milk helps with brain development and considering the pattern the older siblings already have....hell, I'd rather keep breastfeeding, just in case it does help mitigate the risk.

So I'm back on Adderall on most days, and if I get too tired or sick then I'll skip it and get some rest, but for now, this is just the best thing for me and Julius I think. Good news, I have been filling calendars out and writing notes and paying bills and sorting receipts, in between children errands and baby and music classes.

Hopefully, I'll laugh about stepping on him one day, but I have to tell you, I'm really not there yet. Sigh...have any of you ever done anything like this? Dropped your kid, etc.? Please share, even anonymously. I need to feel like other mothers do this, not just me.

Things you can change, and things you can't

I'm really really unhappy about how the election turned out as you can well imagine. Frankly, I think there are so many things that irritated me about this election that I can scarcely count them all. (If you want to see some interesting stuff about it, go see Rick Mercer, specifically, my fave rant of his, September 30, Season 6, RMR Rant. I can't do an imbed like on Youtube, but if you go there and check it out, especially the final bit on that video, you'll know why I love Mercer.)

That said, I'm pretty frickin tired, and after sitting on this post for an entire day and trying to write something, I have only this....

In two years I can and will help to defeat Stephen Harper. Governments come and go like clockwork and we'll get rid of him sooner or later.

But yesterday I saw some pictures of myself at my current weight, and I was disgusted with myself. I have gained weight since having the baby. And never ever in my entire life have I ever weighed this much. Never. And if I don't lose the weight soon, then I'll be keeping it on for life.

I can stand Harper for 18-24 months, but there is no fucking way on the planet that I will live my life at this weight. I hate how I look, how I feel, and how the world sees me now.

I hate this enough to change it, so I will.

Shrinky-dinks

Why I'll never get elected to public office:

Scene: I'm at the psychologists office waiting for the kids to finish their psychoeducational testing. They are busy sitting in front of computer screens and writing and drawing.

From: Aurelia
Sent Using: Peer-to-Peer
Message status:delivered
To: Mr.Cotta

This questionnaire is so long there is no way I can do it all here. I'll have to fill it all out tonight so you will be able to see it as well.
Remind me again, which one sets fires? And is it the other kid who tortures small animals or is that the same one?

From: Mr.Cotta
Sent Using: Peer-to-Peer
Message status:delivered
To: Aurelia

(grin) I'm sure you are having fun!

From: Aurelia
Sent Using: Peer-to-Peer
Message status:delivered
To: Mr.Cotta

Of course you know raising wounded geniuses are my ultimate life goal. This place makes me wet baby.


Now tell me honestly. What's wrong with a little dark humour to relieve the tension when you are quaking in fear that your child will turn out to be damaged in some way?

So far behind...

I am so far behind I will never catch up. And now I will have to make ice cream for all of you!?!?!

No dammit, I refuse. I have my limits. Luckily I can afford to say no, but what about poor women?

I can see it now---the new workfare.

terrible horrible no good very bad week

My life is like this book this week.

I was cutting Julius' nails with a tiny set of nail clippers and I almost cut off his thumb. Seriously, blood everywhere, screaming baby, hysterical mother....I know I should just chew his nails off with my teeth, but they are so hard now, so difficult to chew through, I was almost tearing them. Poor thing, he's healing, but I feel guilty as hell.

Mac is having trouble in school again. He just can't sit still ever ever ever. If you ever want to see a living example of ADHD, he's it toots. He gets up at dinner and runs around like Helen Keller before Annie Sullivan taught her sign and got through to her. It takes hours to do homework, not because he doesn't know the answers, but because he can't sit still long enough to write them down!

I know he needs help, and it's just a brain thing and no big deal, but this week, I feel like a failure because we had to go have an appointment with the psychologist and lay it all out. Like I'm finally admitting that I passed on my crappy genes and gave my kid something bad.

Same with Kaz, but in his case---the work at his new school, (needs a name, how about St.Catholic Boys School? St.Cbs for short), anyway the work at his new school is incredibly easy compared to his old private school, mostly because at St.Cbs they are trying to amalgamate the kids from public school, who are way way behind, with the kids from private school who are way way ahead. So their solution seems to be to just go with the lowest common denominator....drives me crazy. If the public school kids can't keep up, then they should just get tutored. Dumbing down the work just so they can ease the transition is not the solution. Which makes me sound like a snot I guess, but here I am agonizing over how my kid will need extra help and I don't want to label him and meanwhile he's done all of this work before.

Like in Grade 3 for fuck's sake!

So why am I feeling guilty over my kid having LD/ADD?

And why should I have to go through this much crap to get him the challenging work he deserves?

Sigh.....

Also, I got a speeding ticket. For only going a teensy bit over the limit, on a straightaway empty section of road, with no sidewalks, and no cross streets.

My toilet broke, and I have to buy a new one, (we tried the cheap repair, but really, it's no good in the end). I hate spending money on this house when we are tearing it down.

Speaking of house reno, I haven't sent my wish list to the architect at this point....and I have to or I just gave him a large deposit for nothing. Trouble is, I keep changing my mind about what kind of house to build. Ultramodern design? Traditional Victorian? Basic Suburban Stucco? Faux French Provincial? Monolithic Concrete Brutalism? Meanwhile the roof is going to leak again this winter, possibly falling in.....and the floor is falling apart what with all the nails we have to remove due to nail pops.

The internet broke and I spent one entire day on the phone to India trying to fix it.

Then I had another argument with my friend Maddie about schools and IEPs and stigma and I swear---there are some things that we just disagree on and should never ever speak of. Ever!

And I'm on a new diet now. The no wine, limited treats, and no overeating diet. Like only one breakfast and one lunch and one dinner per day. And no more icing out of the can. No fair!

So I am grumpy. And very very very behind on everything I want to do.

P.S. Did I mention that I got a hot flash yesterday? Yep...fuck, my ovarian failure is back, so much for breastfeeding holding it off......

The PR move we can't fall for

This announcement about extending maternity benefits for self-employed people in Canada is designed to get women voters to like Stephen Harper, but before you all go breaking out the champagne, there are a few glitches.

Other bloggers have said that the idea is a winner, and from a PR perspective, I agree, but the practical issues with implementation mean that hardly anyone will ever get a dime, and it may be the downfall of the program.

I've already said it elsewhere, but in case the comment gets eaten or it gets drowned out:

The mat leave plan announcement is smart in terms of public perception, but it actually won't help too many women overall unfortunately. Between the practical issues of how to determine an income level for benefits and the huge number of exclusions there will be---well, there's a reason it was never done before.

For example, adoptive mothers will never qualify for this, because they rarely ever know the exact time their new baby is coming. They won't be able to apply six months in advance. Same for moms of preemies and high risk babies. *

When the OMA negotiated a mat leave benefit for Doctors they picked a flat rate formula that was easy to understand, and had no sign up restrictions. There was a practical reason for that.

What Harper should've announced is simply a maternity leave program that all women get regardless of the employment status prior to birth. It would dramatically improve health outcomes for newborns and all mothers. From a public health point of view, it's the nirvana.

But he didn't do that because he's all about the headlines, and to hell with actual real women and children.

*What I didn't write there, is that self-employed women who have had miscarriages, or stillbirths or neonatal deaths will not qualify either, the same way most women on bedrest get screwed by the current system. I'm trying to get it changed....but that will require a government who actually cares about maternal-fetal infant health.

New schools

(Dudes, I know that some of you are interested in politics, and some are not, so what I'm going to do until the election, is post a little paragraph or link or something about it everyday, and if you don't want to read it then scroll down and comment about other things, and if you do want to read it, then go for it, and comment away.)

Big Fat Mouth opinion of the day: Elizabeth May should be in the debates, period. This is getting stupid people....just let her in and give it a rest. I'm not a Green supporter, hell, between the SUV I now drive, (34 mpg btw), and my incessant use of plastic bags, they likely think I'm a she-devil, but so what? I'm trying in other ways! So let her in, because lots of us want to hear what she has to say. What's the worst that can happen? That we might have to hear from the only female leader of a party, and *gasp* listen to her?

Other linky thing I saw: Guess what? Turns out that Stephane Dion has a hearing disability, which is why his pronunciation in english is so bad. Poor man has been hacked by the media over and over again and it turns out that he has a disability! I wonder if this will change the coverage he gets?

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You know how new baby mamas always think that the newborn stage is the most stressful, and that preschool dropoff is terrifying and the worst thing ever?

Weeelllll, these things never get any better, in case you are wondering.

I've been having huge stress attacks over Kaz going to his new school, which is basically a high school (Grades 7-12) and my husband acts like it's no biggie, but to be honest, he's kind of stressed but mostly excited about it all. I think he'd rather go to this school and relive all his memories than send his son! It's adorable, but it does kind of ignore the reality that this is a very different era. Sigh.

Thing is, we're once again kind of fighting about it all. (Hey, you didn't think that just because he knew about this blog that I'd be any less honest about things, did you?)

Firstly, I don't think Kaz, at twelve, is old enough to go on the subway by himself. Neither does his pediatrician. And all of his schoolmates at this age, either go with a large crowd of buddies on the subway, or they go on buses, or parents drive them and pick them up. And guess what? My husband, based on his own experience in life, in another city, thinks that he should go alone all by himself and get home alone. I think that is insane and I'm happy to drive him, but I think again, nostalgia is driving this, and frankly, this city is too large and too dangerous to risk letting my tiny little kid get on the TTC. Not yet, not alone.

He also wants Kaz to go to school with no LD support and no mention of anything to anyone at the school, and I want to get it taken care of quietly with nothing on his permanent record but lots of tutoring and extra help in class so that he stays on top of school assignments and doesn't get behind. ADD medications are great, but they don't work alone. He still needs help here and there.

Plus, the new school is driving me crazy with the special ed teacher wanting them to do an IEP or get something on paper official so that she can stick a label on his head, mostly because for this school the entire concept of LD accomodations is new and she wants to have something to back herself up when the teachers and administration think that all of these kids are faking it to get something extra. And honestly, I'd rather stab myself in the heart than wreck my kids future by labelling him. The "era of stigma" is not over. It's still in full flight and people like me, are well aware of it. I will never ever let my son's future opportunities be harmed because some bureaucracy decrees that all students be labelled and classified. As far as I'm concerned, that's as bad as it gets. Much worse than what was done to me, where my needs were never met.

So I am trying to get him another assessment, since the old one is five years in the past and we need to update it, and have a meeting tomorrow to go over it all and find a solution with the school.

Plus, Mac needs to get assessed and my husband has finally agreed to it, and please God let this work out.

Maybe this is why I have an issue with Palin. She makes raising a kid with special needs sound like sunshine and puppies are blowing out her ass and that her husband or her can handle it all easy-peasy--and frankly, that's just not my life experience.

It's just not realistic, regardless of the diagnosis. I don't care how much caffeine she drinks. She's either in denial, or full of crap.

Ooops, sorry about adding in politics to my mommyranting! Maybe they really do go together, eh?