I'm not sure how to handle this, so I may need to get some advice from the internets here. I've been feeling a little overwhelmed by all of this crap coming down in our house the last three weeks, and I realized that all my old issues about pregnancy & giving birth are coming back.
And I'm scared of the big giant needle that I need for the steroid shots.
Logically I know that the needle isn't so huge, and the pharmacist said that she thinks she gave me the wrong one (too big) and I should check it out---but damn I keep staring at this huge frickin' needle and almost faint. It's a 21.5 gauge needle and 4 cm long. I've read online that I can use 24 gauge....but ouch still. As I write I'm on the phone on hold hoping that I can find out what to use exactly.
Last time I got this needle, I never saw it. Sigh...I know its for the best, and I'll do it, but I just might whine about being scared and about my really sore buttcheek afterwards, okay? Hope you don't mind?
It's like with giving birth, I don't get nearly as scared about the pain, now that I know it's like really extreme period cramps until the blessed epidural kicks in. I mean, it's not like on TV where the woman collapses screaming on the floor clutching her stomach in 10 seconds flat. TV makes it look like she's being stabbed or shot. And I know it doesn't come on like that. It's very different.
Instead I get freaked out by the people who treat me like a piece of meat and talk to my vagina instead of my face. Or people who don't respect my boundaries and ignore what I need and just waltz in and start ordering people around. Or the bright lights and yelling and disorienting people running in and out. Or even worse? The asses who just stand there open mouthed and do nothing while I writhe in terror. I need comfort in a time of crisis. I need a hand to hold and to know that someone somewhere will take care of me.
I need a mommy, and I don't have one of those.
Why yes all of my psychological baggage comes into the birthing room with me. Doesn't yours? Mine comes with me every step of the way.
Even at night, during sleep. For most of my life I've had sleep problems which I've talked about this before on the blog. My husband has gotten in habit of gently waking me when he notices I'm having a nightmare. I start to breathe funny just before I wake up thrashing and yelling, so he wakes me up just enough at the start of the cycle to stop me from getting into the full freakout. Pregnancy makes this worse, wayyy worse. I start having vivid dreams, so vivid and real that I am sure I'm no longer dreaming, but that it's all happening to me that minute. This has two effects, first, I don't want to go to sleep because why would I when all the dreams are bad? Second, I'm incredibly tired and can't function the next day, so then I don't take my ADD meds so I can nap and I get even more non-functional.
It's a vicious cycle, and my shrink wants me to stop it and take some sleep medication at night, and go back on my ADD meds during the day and take care of myself. She also thinks I should hire someone to help more around the house while I'm pregnant and during the newborn period since we can afford it and it would reduce my stress. She definitely thinks I should either get an really experienced friend to help out during labour & delivery or that I should hire a doula.
And I know she's right, but it's really really hard for me to ask for help, ever. I'm just godawful at it. And I'm even more uncomfortable with the idea of strangers in my house putting things away. I didn't grow up with a housekeeper or a cleaning lady, so I always feel like Alice in Wonderland just talking about it, even though I pay a really great wage, and I treat people nicely. Still---very odd for a girl who grew up eating canned ham and powdered mashed potatoes and had holes in her clothes to suddenly have people working for her. And paying someone still doesn't replace a missing loved one.
I wish I had a mommy. I just wish I had one growing up even if she couldn't be here now. But I never did. I got cheated out of one, and it's so unfair. I feel like I mother everyone else in my life, but no one mothers me. My adoptive mother never did, never knew how, I always had to take care of her feelings, her world, it was always about her. My birth mother wants to mother someone else, the fantasy me she gave up and never existed, so redoing the relationship now doesn't work. If she had known me all long, during an open adoption, maybe we could be close, but it doesn't work now. It's too late.
I feel so alone.