Thursday, February 14, 2008

Oh Dear God, no more support please

Tonight my husband's family has been emailing like mad and going on and on about everything, and someone noticed I'm alone so one SIL came over for dinner. We ordered in, she paid. Except that I dragged my ass and ordered a bit late, then the food took over an hour to arrive, and Kaz refused to do his homework again and dissolved into tears.

And after weeks of calmly asking and talking, I finally lost it and screamed at him for faking all this emotional crap just so he could avoid his homework.

All in front of my SIL. The one with no kids. Who kind of gets it but who can't really because she doesn't live with it every single day.

So embarassing.

And then my other SIL called ostensibly to wish me Happy Valentine's Day and give me "support." You know---the passive-aggressive kind. What she really wanted to tell me that she had already told everyone yesterday all the information that I had sent my husband by email, and that her information was right, and therefore mine was wrong. I waited until halfway through the phone call to let her know that I had gotten my information from someone at the Minister of Health's office so she could stop referring to my sources as uninformed opinion, but she didn't. Sigh...

We do have someone in the family and some friends who can pull some strings for us here and there and maybe get a him a bed for a week or two, but seriously, in the era of patient's rights, you just can't lock up the mentally ill for months and hope no one will let him out. 30 years ago before decent antidepressants were invented, and budgets were slashed to the bone maybe, but nowadays---they'll adjust his meds, make sure they work for maybe a week, give him a plan for outpatient group and individual therapy and send him merrily on his way.

Funniest part of all these conversations? The assumption that the Doctors will take charge of his medical care in some way!


I'm trying desperately to picture a Doctor taking charge of anyone's treatment plan. I mean, please, we all know in this community what good it does to trust those fuckups, right?

But hey, what the hell do I know? I'm just a mother of dead children.


  1. Yeah right some doctor will just take care of him. I guess they are going to find out the hard way.
    I won't even chime in with my stories but suffice to say I don't think you are overstating the chaos that can, and likely will, ensue.
    I just love getting this kind of 'support'.
    Oh babe this is the last kind of help you need.

  2. I'm so sorry for everything that's going on, Aurelia. You're right, most doctors do nothing to establish an actual plan.

    What I really want to know, though, is whether Kaz finally did his homework after you screamed at him? Sometimes I think kids just need to know that we're onto them.

  3. I think it's safe to say that you win the Valentine's from Hell award. Please email address and I will send you chocolate, GOOD CHOCOLATE, stat. With nary a string attached.

    Unbelievable how far we seem to have progressed in the mental health realm, and yet how staggeringly backassed it all is in practice. Sending your husband's family (and you of course) all sorts of wishes for peace, and calm, and good care.

  4. For a moment there I thought you meant support from us.

    The system to commit people involuntarily was abused in the past. So in many circumstances it's good that the possibility is only used sparingly. Maybe the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction though. To be honest, I have no clue.

  5. I'm shocked that you think involuntarily committing him would help. I've seen the inside of a psych hospital. They're more like prisons than health care facilities. Are you sure this is the way you want to go? I cannot imagine a more perfect way to drive someone to suicidality than to involuntarily commit them an ocean away from their children.

  6. Casey, first of all, the place he is going is either a public hospital we visit often near us, and it's quite nice, or a private psych and addiction hospital that we have found that costs near to $30K a month. Trust me, they are not prisons! More like resorts...

    Secondly there are some things I haven't written on the blog that I will email you, but he is very very sick and not in touch with reality right now. If left alone for even a second, we know that he will try again and he is completely refusing all help and all medications, so we are at our whits end. If we don't take him home and lock him up, he will be locked up in Belgium for a long time, and then he will truly have no one, since his ex will not let him near the kids in that condition.

    There are degrees of mental illness and he is about as far gone right now as it is possible to be. Your case was very very different I believe.

  7. I know how you both feel. I have hade relatives who got on the wrong side of a therapist and ended up commited and my littel brother needed to be commited and we couldn't find a bed for him, he ended up in juvinile detention enstead, he sold his mood stabilizers for others drugs and hasn't ever been right. The same goes for my other realative who had seven months involuntary "treatment" never was able to function again.

    My prayers to your bil and the rest, sometimes thats really all we can do.

  8. I hope the family can come together and figure out what is best for P, and do so without additional acrimony.