Monday, June 23, 2008

Broken Me

I'm at the end of my rope.

Julius will not stop screaming all night and of course looking angelic during the day, so my pediatrician thinks there is nothing wrong with him and won't give me medication for his reflux.

She says he might just have a floppy uvula and we should just wait and see. But I can't bear to wait. I am too tired and this is getting depressing.

She thinks I am getting PPD and she may be right. My husband is not exactly helpful, he thinks that if I just get through the next few weeks I'll be fine just like last time. (I was not fine last time I just didn't talk with him about it after awhile.) He is sympathetic but he thinks its one of those things where I just need to buck up or go for a walk or pull myself up by my bootstraps or something.

I am seeing my ob tomorrow about the pain in my abdomen. I am trying to eat and sleep and have a shower and keep myself together everyday, but it's very very hard.

I am a failure.

I worked so hard for this, I wanted it so badly and now I'm not even enjoying my baby.

I know that some of you without a baby at all are looking at this post and wanting to slap me for being ungrateful, but this is not what I planned and trust me you don't want to feel this way. I am grateful he exists, I just thought I would be a better mother when I got it.

I thought I had bootstraps. I guess I don't.

Some of you do. You go back to work. You have csections and can walk and you seem to be okay. Some of you do it all and blog about it, and I can barely get off the couch without a fulltime nanny. I don't understand. How do you do it?

I feel like shit.


  1. Complete piece of assvice here, but have you tried either tipping the mattress (whatever he sleeps on a bit) so that gravity helps the digestion? Or a small water bottle on the tummy? Both of these helped Bella at night, and she was a screamer of the nth degree.

    There's a reason they use sleep dep as a torture device. It's brutal. I'm so sorry. Time to get husband to pony up and let you get a few uninterrupted hours.

  2. Mother of a three week old here...

    By all standards, a pretty easy infant... An easy delivery...

    I saw an email my husband had written to someone today describing said infant as "fun".


    I love him (infant) and all, but there are many times in the day when he is fucking killing me.

    Point being, I'm not sure any of us really enjoy 'em in these early sleepless days. No failure in that.

    Wishing you some sleep somehow soon... Hugs.

  3. Slap me if you want, but are you co-sleeping? I know a lot of people don't agree with it, but I found it the only way to get my newborns to sleep.

    I'm worried about you and worried that your doctors will pigeon hole you with a PPD diagnosis. Can you get an hsCRP test to check for ANY inflammation? Or even a vitamin profile test to see if you have any micronutrient deficiency?

    I know that I am beating a horse to death, but are you breathing okay? Do you have edema? How is your fatigue?

  4. I don't think you're a failure. Just the opposite, in fact. You have conquered some pretty amazing things over the past little while and I admire you.

  5. You know you're not a failure. Having a newborn is freaking hard. Especially when you almost died getting him here.

    PPD is possible, and I am glad you're going to talk to the doctor about it.

    Have you thought about taking Julius to a gastro doc for a second opinion? If he's screaming at night, it could be because the reflux is worse when he is lying down. We all know everything gets worse at night, too...

    (((hugs))) you're not alone. You are a great mom.

  6. Oh, and no offense to your husband, but men don't no crap about PPD. Neither do most people. You can't just "buck up" if it's a chemical issue. Make sure the OB knows exactly how you feel so you can get it taken care of.

  7. (((((((huge hugs)))))))) you are NOT a failure at all. Yours was not exactly the run-of-the-mill c-section experience, kwim? I would say you are doing extremely well, considering what you have been through.

    What tash said about sleep dep, and what kathy said about PPD. Here's my assvice -- if it is reflux, maybe he would sleep in a swing or carseat? Upright, you know. Or here's a thought -- let your dh hold him upright through the night while you sleep Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha rotfl.

    Hey i finally sent your baby card, it has been sitting here waiting for a stamp for more than a month.

  8. No you are not a failure. I don't know anyone who thought the first few weeks was anything other than ghastly. Have you tried a night nanny - at least then you could get some sleep between feeds whilst they comfort Julius. Sorry this is being tough.

  9. Just to reiterate - you are in no way a failure, nor is this a bootstrapping situation. As I think I mentioned before, my daughter had undiagnosed reflux and it contributed to me being miserable, very depressed, and wishing I'd never had her.

    I agree with some of the others - try putting Julius to sleep in a bouncy chair or something. P slept in a bouncy chair for the first three months of her life; her cot was untouched until that point because of it.

    When P was a newborn I desperately wished someone had told me the truth about motherhood. All I'd ever heard were jokes about lack of sleep and screaming babies, as if it was all such a jolly time. The reality for me was far more harsh and it was such a crushing blow to me that this time in which I was to be so happy was passing so horribly.

    I know you hardly have a lot of spare time, but please feel free to contact me if you just want to air some of your frustrations. I don't necessarily have any advice to give, just commiseration.

  10. Oh love, huge hugs. I heard my other half telling someone we had it sorted less than a week after T was born.

    I'm still working on that...

  11. Could poor Julius have colic? My baby did and it did a number on me emotionally. I had wanted a baby for a long time (8+ yrs of unexplained infertility) but once she was here I felt like I had no idea what I was doing. You are not a failure and you are not alone. Just remember to take one day at a time. Some days I had to get thru it by just taking one breath at a time and remembering that this too in time will pass.

  12. Don't compare yourself to anyone else! We all cope how we are able to. I am so sorry you are going through this. My first was a screamer and it was tough. I second the person who suggested co-sleeping. It was the only way I survived with both my newborns.
    Big hugs to me for commiseration if you wish.

  13. You're a perfectionist. I'm not. If you could see my sink full of dishes and the PILES of laundry laying about my house, you would probably have a heart attack. You're no just have very high standards for yourself. My assvice? It won't kill you to let go of some of those expectations you have for yourself. Sit on your couch for a will never get this time back and the sky will not fall in if you take advantage of won't regret it.

    As for the sleeping...I recommend a vibrating crib mattress. We call it the magic mattress and practically worship it in this house.

  14. I've been a crap ass commenter and blogger and all of that, but I know one thing, and that's that you are NOT a failure, not by any stretch of the imagination.

    Don't forget to just give yourself a break, even for just five minutes, for being perfect.

    Sending love your way...

  15. you're's just a rough are NOT a failure.
    Hope your gp has something good for you!

  16. Of course you're not a failure. It's just so hard, those first few months, and older kids, the c section, and every other thing you went through (hello, almost DYING) do quite a number on you.

    I remember at 4 weeks frantically paging through baby sleep books in the bookstore, seeing references to it getting better at 6 and 8 weeks, and thinking 2 more weeks of this is a lifetime! I'll never make it.

    But you do. You will.

    Also, my daughter slept in a swing for nearly 10 weeks. Anything you can do to get them to sleep is OK. Others have said it - tilt the mattress, try the car seat, try the swing. I have friends who have had luck with something called gripe water.

    Hang in there.

  17. A baby is very, very, very hard, even under the best of circumstances, which this assuredly is not.

    Actually, I think that those women who go right back to work (raising hand: me! me! me!) have it easier in some ways. Mainly because they don't have to deal with the baby 24/7.

  18. All people who think bootstraps exist should be immediately shot!

    I hope you can feel the hugs that i am sending out to you, my friend. You are not a failure, you are a success. I am so sorry that you are down in that pit right now. I wish that I could be there with you.

    While I am absolutely thrilled to have my baby, there are moments when it's hard to get out of bed. I am sure the day will come when there will be entire days that it will be hard to get out of bed.

    The fact that you are also in physical pain should mean that you need to give yourself a break. You are not broken, you need a break actually.

    I love you lots and desperately hope that you will read all of these comments and see how wonderful you are.

  19. Godsake woman, you are of course not a failure, you are a woman with a major incision in your abdomen, a baby which isn't sleeping, and 2 older children to take care of. I'm suprised you're not in the gutter gibbering.

    Suggest you try this
    it saved the life of a friend of mine.


  20. Niobe has a point there. Work can be easier, actually. I'm exhausted on the days I stay home, not the days I go out!

    You are so not a failure. Newborns are HARD, and even though we worked harder, prayed harder for ours doesn't mean we don't get to realize that.

    So much love to you. I hope it will get better soon.

  21. Ditto to everything above. Newborns are hard work. You're dealing with pain and recovery from major abdominal surgery (emergent, at that!), plus all the usual newborn stuff. You're doing great. Keep taking care of yourself, ok?