I'm at the end of my rope.
Julius will not stop screaming all night and of course looking angelic during the day, so my pediatrician thinks there is nothing wrong with him and won't give me medication for his reflux.
She says he might just have a floppy uvula and we should just wait and see. But I can't bear to wait. I am too tired and this is getting depressing.
She thinks I am getting PPD and she may be right. My husband is not exactly helpful, he thinks that if I just get through the next few weeks I'll be fine just like last time. (I was not fine last time I just didn't talk with him about it after awhile.) He is sympathetic but he thinks its one of those things where I just need to buck up or go for a walk or pull myself up by my bootstraps or something.
I am seeing my ob tomorrow about the pain in my abdomen. I am trying to eat and sleep and have a shower and keep myself together everyday, but it's very very hard.
I am a failure.
I worked so hard for this, I wanted it so badly and now I'm not even enjoying my baby.
I know that some of you without a baby at all are looking at this post and wanting to slap me for being ungrateful, but this is not what I planned and trust me you don't want to feel this way. I am grateful he exists, I just thought I would be a better mother when I got it.
I thought I had bootstraps. I guess I don't.
Some of you do. You go back to work. You have csections and can walk and you seem to be okay. Some of you do it all and blog about it, and I can barely get off the couch without a fulltime nanny. I don't understand. How do you do it?
I feel like shit.