Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Help

I am in a lot of pain right now.

Mental, emotional pain, not physical.

These idiots phoned my husband again. Specifically my SIL, the wife of my birth half-brother. No, this time, they aren't asking for money---yet. They went out of their way to tell us how they are doing so fine and have jobs and a house, yadda yadda. But knowing them, I know that it's coming. I'm not a sister, I'm a bank machine.

The SIL keeps trying to paint herself as a some sort of saint who is trying to keep the family together by emailing me and asking me to talk to my mother. Meanwhile, she is the entire reason that the family doesn't speak. Yet she does not see the irony.....narcissism much?

Sigh, so the news she shares with my husband is that my birth mother has some sort of non-cancerous polyp in her colon. They couldn't get it during the colonoscopy, so she is having a laparoscopy. It's not malignant, and although there are risks, it will likely be fine. They have to take out a piece of her colon where the polyp is and reattach it to the bowel. Anyway, the incompetent idiotic surgeon at the teeny tiny local hospital she is going to described it in such terrifying terms that my mother ran out of the office and almost refused to get the surgery.

Why no, when faced with a problematic complicated surgery of course my mother didn't go to the closest large teaching hospital and get a referral for it to be done properly by an actual competent surgeon. She is going to have major surgery in the teeny itty-bitty hospital/local health clinic, and then be shocked when it doesn't go well. (Yes, I have been prejudiced by the studies that say practice makes perfect and we should go to Docs who have done procedures many many times....I also think that small rural hospitals should only do stitches and casts and leave the complicated stuff to bigger ones. Silly me....)

The doc who scared her was describing rare possibilities like a colostomy bag, and really, it won't happen, but he did tell her that and only later said, "rare", and so now she is terrified of getting the surgery. Idiot. She is scheduled, but who knows if she will show.

And my husband still didn't understand why I do not want to talk to all of them, until I broke down crying about all her stupid conditions on our relationship. (He gave me such a nice hug at that moment.) I tried so hard, for so long, and to her, it was never enough. She wants to recreate our lives as if we never had been separated, and I hate that.

You know, there are some things I'd really like to write now, but it would be hurtful to the birth mothers and adoptive mothers I know who are reading this blog so I feel like I can't. Good ol' people pleaser adoptee. Geez, I've been trained right....

So avert your eyes people. Please skip this next part if you are sensitive. Really.

I mean it.
-
-
-
-
-
I broke down crying and yelled, "She threw me away, and now she doesn't get to say how our relationship goes."

She did. She threw me away like I was nothing. No one forced her to give me up. And now she wants it her way or nothing at all. My opinions don't count.

So she gets nothing.

16 comments:

  1. You're absolutely right. Even moms who did raise their kids shouldn't put conditions on the relationship between them (OK, that was obvious, but I felt like I had to say it anyway).

    At least at some point, somehow, you learned how to stand up for yourself. Glad you've got a good partner by your side to support you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. oh hon. you have every right to feel angry. I think Rachel is exactly right - no one gets to put conditions on the relationship.
    My mom is the same way in that she never wants to admit to her mistakes or that she has hurt me. We don't get along very well because of it.
    So if she had given me up for adoption and that didn't go well, I would not be too quick to take her back either.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Conditions on relationship are destructive and I would imagine, especially so in the fragile relationship you have anyways. Hang in there hun.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm sorry. (((hugs))) Everyone likes to think of adoption reunions in a happy Hallmark kind of way, but obviously it doesn't always work out that way. You're entitled to your feelings & your privacy.

    ReplyDelete
  5. That's the irony Loribeth, it was great for a while, and I am glad I met her, but it's how you go forward that I find causes the most problems....cause it's kind of too late in a way. If I had known her all along even a bit, it might be different. sigh....

    ReplyDelete
  6. **big hugs**

    Reunion is so messy..my family went thru reunion and found that the birth siblings had agendas and expectations of their own. so many complicated emotions all going on at once.take heart. i think what you're doing is only right and fair. some ppl have no concept of boundaries and respect. it's all the worse when its coming from the birth family.

    ReplyDelete
  7. My grandfather went through something similar. He was raised by his step-father in the UK and when he got to Canada and met his birth father, the man started telling him what he should do with his life. He said to him, "I have a father and he's back in England."
    I can see how your birth mother's wanting to recreate life would be painful. You can't erase the past, only make the future better.
    Hoping things improve soon.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I just reread what I wrote and I wanted to clarify, I didn't mean that YOU have to make the future better, that was directed towards your birth mother. Sorry about that.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Be strong my friend. When my father had a heart attack my uncle came to tell me after it was all over. I ignored it, keep on ignoring. My cousins simply don't understand because he's their sweet uncle Neil. I will never forget and, after almost 40 years, I have no reason to even talk to him. He's a sperm donor to me.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm glad the people pleasing training is wearing off.
    She has no claim to you if you don't let her have one.

    ReplyDelete
  11. ((Aurelia)),

    Don't apologize. You are entitled to feel this way.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I agree, you should not apologize for feeling that way. You feelings are legitimate and have every right to them.

    Hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Sorry for your rough ride, babe...
    But geez, I just wish she wouldn't let the yahoo cut on her!
    from a Surgeon Who Knows When to Refer

    ReplyDelete
  14. There is just so much history to this post.

    But ultimately, I'm with Rachel - whether she birthed you, raised you, or both, conditions on relationships suck.

    Bea

    ReplyDelete
  15. You're right, she doesn't get to decide this on her own, and you're right, this situation sucks horribly, and everyone is right, you shouldn't have to deal with this. I'm sorry you are.

    In the meantime in a more flippant vein, I'm completely shocked by how you look in real life, you look nothing like I thought you would!

    ReplyDelete