Throat clearing

That is what my baby does all night and all day, clears his throat and grunts. Odd child...

I think he has thrush and I have yeast and that is what the remnants of pain are when I breastfeed. So now I have to use Canesten which is easy, along with the triple nipple cream cooler doula mentioned in my comments a wee while back.

Hard part is the purple colored gentian violet for his tongue and mouth, which looks horrible and makes my nipples look like headlights, which I hate, hate hate. And then awful women come up to me and say stupid things like, "You know, you aren't supposed to feed your baby candy!"

That's right lady, candy and cigarettes, breakfast of champions for infants at my house.

On the bright side he has been sleeping five straight hours in a row every night since I last posted that I was in hell.

Let me guess, he is trying to lull me into a false sense of sanity---Sneaky little bugger, eh?

Ab update

Well my OB had an answer as to why I'm in pain. After we hugged hello I once again thanked him for saving my life and he once again acted like it was nothing, very aw shucks. Then he examined me.

I have an abdominus recti? After 6 pregnancies that lasted longer than 10 weeks, my abs have decided to separate and maybe get a divorce. They don't like everything I've been through and are protesting heavily.

Apparently when you get a crash c-section on top of separated abs it hurts like a mofo when healing.

And if you keep lifting things and not resting like me...it gets worse. I may have strained them more. So now I am not allowed to lift anything and I have to rest for another 4 weeks and then I go to physio. If that doesn't work I'll need surgery to fix it but since I'd rather die than get cut open again I'm hoping exercise and physio work. Any hopeful stories or assvice greatly welcomed? Anything I should or should not do?

Still tired but it's getting better. I'm letting boo sleep in the carseat which doesn't help the reflux but seems to make him happy, so why not?

Also I broke out the baby tylenol at 1:00 am last night for him and some pinot grigio for me. It was either make him sleep that way or run screaming into the street. I mean, it's not like the stuff is heroin right? And hey he slept for 5 wonderful painfree hours!!!!! And so did I.

Still a bit nutty, but I may see my shrink and work on that. Or I may just take some more naps....and give him some more tylenol the next time he mixes up day and night.

Yawn

P.S. Am worried about Antigone at http://antigonelost.blogspot.com . I keep checking her blog hoping she is okay and hoping her husband hasn't hurt her or the baby. If any of you hear from her by email let the rest of us know, K?

Broken Me

I'm at the end of my rope.

Julius will not stop screaming all night and of course looking angelic during the day, so my pediatrician thinks there is nothing wrong with him and won't give me medication for his reflux.

She says he might just have a floppy uvula and we should just wait and see. But I can't bear to wait. I am too tired and this is getting depressing.

She thinks I am getting PPD and she may be right. My husband is not exactly helpful, he thinks that if I just get through the next few weeks I'll be fine just like last time. (I was not fine last time I just didn't talk with him about it after awhile.) He is sympathetic but he thinks its one of those things where I just need to buck up or go for a walk or pull myself up by my bootstraps or something.

I am seeing my ob tomorrow about the pain in my abdomen. I am trying to eat and sleep and have a shower and keep myself together everyday, but it's very very hard.

I am a failure.

I worked so hard for this, I wanted it so badly and now I'm not even enjoying my baby.

I know that some of you without a baby at all are looking at this post and wanting to slap me for being ungrateful, but this is not what I planned and trust me you don't want to feel this way. I am grateful he exists, I just thought I would be a better mother when I got it.

I thought I had bootstraps. I guess I don't.

Some of you do. You go back to work. You have csections and can walk and you seem to be okay. Some of you do it all and blog about it, and I can barely get off the couch without a fulltime nanny. I don't understand. How do you do it?

I feel like shit.

Super Baby

I wanted you all to know that I'm alive....

I'm still utterly exhausted and making less sense than ever before, poor Lisa B came by my house for a visit and I think that I made absolutely no sense at all, blathering on about ummm, damn I can't even remember what?

Some strange person, maybe my husband suggested we let the boys stay home and hang out for a few weeks before we decide what we were going to do for summer camp. And the previous week they had spent at school doing not very much except having parties and performing at their end of school concert so they are now bored. And since I had to attend all of these events, I'm exhausted.

Bored children + tired mother equals kids who bicker endlessly about absolutely nothing while mother pulls hair out.

Plus it's all been very emotional here, what with Kaz going to his welcome day at his new school, and trying on uniforms, and although I know that he is still my baby, and he isn't going anywhere really-----I'm having a heart attack here people!!!!!

My baby is going to high school. This is NOT good. Next thing you know he'll be wanting to pick out his own clothes, and feed himself, and then----move out and leave me forever!!!! Some horrible woman will take him away and marry him I'll bet. Grrrrrrrrr....

As we speak he is holding onto baby Julius and playing "Super Baby" basically where Julius gets held horizontally face down, and zoomed around the house. His secret identity is maintained by a soother, sort of like Clark Kent's was maintained by those glasses. I'm laughing and crying simultaneously.

Yes, I am hOrMoNal.

Why do you ask?

baby breaths

Julius is breathing funny, like wheezing, when we lie him flat and he seems to be very unhappy about it, and I am very paranoid about it of course.

So off to the pediatrician I go, ever so stupidly on the same day as last week and I get the same idiot replacement temp ped, instead of the good pediatrician we usually get. Our main one, is very nice and knows that I am pretty medically minded and don't just walk in over nothing, and don't show up asking for antibiotics on the first day of a cold. But this replacement one? A total goof, she regularly offends me by refusing to refill Kaz's ADD medication script. She keeps asking if he really needs it and if we should try something else like maybe we should stop giving him coca-cola....because of course, bad parenting is the cause of ADD in her small mind. *eyeroll*

And so she listened to Julius' chest and dismissed my concerns and refused to give us anything, like puffers, or cold medication, or even check him for reflux. She thinks he has a stuffy nose, except that he doesn't. At all.

She says it could not be reflux, even though he had loads of tubes shoved down his throat when he was being resuscitated, so that awful sound in his bronchial tubes could be milk coming back up and getting stuck in his throat, choking him.

Hell, it could be lots of things...but to her, why check it out, why even help, when she can talk down to me instead? New moms are all stupid idiots right? Even ones who have much older kids and can diagnose a cold vs. croup vs. bronchiolitis is no time flat.

So from now I have to see my regular ped only which is going to be a problem because over the summer, you guessed it, she takes extensive VACATIONS.

Someday when I am in charge of the universe, things will be different.....

Sleepless in babyworld

Nursing a screaming gassy baby 24/7 round the clock is not the fun part of motherhood.

And then when your basement floods three days in a row and you and your husband have to mop and bale out the place continuously that sucks.

Then you run out of diapers and wipes and food and your husband has to work all day so he can't rest and your older kids keep waking you up and you really know life sucks.

But when some jerk decides to stick a nail in your husbands car tire and he has to spend all of Father's Day and most of the next getting the car fixed instead of relaxing and enjoying his day?

That's just craptastically crappy.

slammed-one handed typing

i no longer can type with two hands mostly because i am nursing or holding a baby or burping one....plus life has become nutty on top of that.

nicole at just crazy enough to try had her baby, a little girl! yayyyyyy Her blog feed did not send the news to my bloglines so i didn't know for a few days. go say congrats.

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my bil P has returned to europe secretly after we advised him not to just yet. he has no support network or doctors or family over there and as we predicted things are going very very badly. he can't see his kids until he is stable and since he is acting well---manic? psychotic? he will likely not see them for awhile except from a distance mandated by a court. his emails and phone calls to them are sometimes normal and sometimes terrifying.

we think he missed his meds as soon as he left the hospital and got confused and started self-medicating again. worst part is that the whole family is fighting over him and whether or not he's okay. some people think he's sane but 'misunderstood', others think he is batshit crazy. all i know is that he is writing some unreal stuff in his emails about our family and anyone else who thinks he is still unwell. apparently we are the crazy ones, and have committed numerous criminal and immoral acts while engaged in a vast conspiracy against him. he seems to cast himself as the white knight in all these tales, rescuing me and my poor children among others from my evil husband.

paranoid and out of touch with reality perhaps?

sigh...we keep wondering if we'll get a call that he has been found dead somewhere. it all makes me want to cry.

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As for immediate concerns, I am overwhelmed with dirty diapers, and breastfeeding and we are about to start the three week growth spurt. Lilypadz rock for protecting blistered nipples from irritation. frozen lilypadz are like heaven on these poor injured bodyparts. just remember to wash the padz with soap and water in between uses or you'll get bacteria growing and you will hurt and the baby will get indigestion and gas.

julius is healthy and cute, i wish i could show you more photos but our camera seems to have broken and i need to get my hubby to take it in for repair. if my cameraphone can do it i'll post something from that. he does have some goopy stuff coming out of his left eye and i think he has a blocked tear duct but otherwise he is alright.

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nanny is a godsend. she is happily willing to do housekeeping and mow the lawn and deal with laundry but the cultural differences are wild. she just came over from the phillipines in the last month or so and explaining things like the toronto green bin have resulted in some funny moments. we keep our green bin (organic waste) in the basement because of racoons. our dry garbage and recycling go outside. well, we showed her everything but i guess she thought her new employers were very odd people for putting our garbage in our basement and she kept trying to take it outside for us. i found it hidden in the bottom of the garbage bins later. when we finally explained it to her with pictures from the website and some translation---she was very embarassed and we all had a good laugh.

also i keep trying to make her take a lunch break but she refuses. i figure she deserves one and keep encouraging her to leave and get a coffee once a day or go for a walk or at least eat lunch upstairs with us but she never does. i think she eats in the basement actually. I'm thinking that i may have to force her to take breaks upstairs because i'm still a mess and the boys are done school so with three kids and a weak lady to take care of she will have her hands full and if she gets overworked we're sunk, you know?

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actually i am feeling a bit more energy every day. i went for a walk around the block today with the baby in the stroller. took me an hour to prepare to go, but i did go!

the boys are very funny with the baby. Kaz is very very responsible and is like a little adult with the baby. he's able to carry him and rock him and knows how to support his head. it's a little surreal actually. mac on the other hand is still poking the baby and trying to pet him like a dog. he doesn't quite get how to be gentle. We're working on it.

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there is nothing on tv and nothing left on my dvr. thank god for the internet and my ipod or my brain would turn to mush while i breastfeed at 3 am. i'm about to break into my box set of buffy videos and watch them until my eyeballs fall out.

oh and i bought a medela swing breastpump and used it to start pumping once a day. i want to build up a frozen stock just in case i ever need it. that thing is amazing btw. much better and much gentler than my old crappy one. another reason to buy new instead of using my 13 year old junk.

ok ttyl dudes....tired.

Babymoon

I've forgotten many lovely words related to babies, and Lala just reminded me of that one.

So if I visit your blogs less or write less often, it's because I'm on a babymoon. I'm not leaving the blogosphere by any means nor am I going anywhere really. But I am SO in love with this baby I want to swoon every day. And the Boys are totally in love with him too....although Mac seems to treat him like a doll, not a baby. If he pokes him one more time....I swear I'll lose it!

In case those of you in the trenches are wondering, I feel a need to say it out loud, every single heparin shot was worth it.

Every progesterone suppository was worth it.

Every painful moment of heartburn, nausea and vomiting was worth it. All of it. Even when I almost choked.

Every dildocam, every moment of indignity, every blood draw was worth it.

And no I should not have had to go through that to get a live baby. None of us should---but fate doesn't work that way and life sucks so here I am.

I will admit that I am having a hard time wrapping my head around his birth and the emergency c-section. Yesterday was his due date and I had a weird time thinking about what should have been and what if and why...etc etc. I can't help it, whole thing is crazy-making when you have giant blanks and you the patient missed everything.

Like the other day I turned to my husband and asked him when he thought we should arrange the baptism. And he told me that he had already done it in the NICU. Now he baptized all of our other children, even the dead ones, but he had always done it in front of me. And then we had a formal ceremony in a church later and a party with friends and family.

But without me? I know he was under stress and terrified that Julius wouldn't make it, but I wish so much that I had been there instead of being spread eagled in an OR getting sewn up. And days later he had forgotten to tell me until I asked! Now I'm wondering what else I missed....

Plus the skin over my incision is totally numb, so numb that I'm worried a bunch of nerves were severed. And there is a ridge of tissue underneath that is hard as a rock and I'm worried it will be like that forever.

Anyone who has had a previous c-section want to weigh in? I know it's early for me yet, but how long does it take to get that feeling on your skin back? Did it screw up your sex lives? (Feel free to be anon for that part) I'm afraid to google any of this so that tells you how nervous I am.

Help!

Vampira is back

Not having seen me lately, many of you are unaware of how pale I am right now.

Whiter than humanly possible is how I look lately and when my hemoglobin was 54 the day after the c-section I looked like a corpse. Add in the pitting edema that swelled my entire body and especially my legs to double their size, and it truly was my finest moment. Pale, puffy, mentally impaired, weak, breathless, bedridden, yep definitely hot momma dating material.

Anyway, some good news today! My hemoglobin is up to 106 and since normal is 120+ I'm doing really well. I'm still taking iron pills and will continue to until I am solidly full of rich red blood and not the crappy light colored cherry juice I am now.

Other good news? The swelling in my feet is remarkably reduced, almost gone. I can see veins in my feet and the vague outlines of bones! Weeeeee. I almost fit my old shoes!!!

And today I walked all the way to the pediatrician's office and back. (Just a quick check of Julius' bellybutton healing-it's all good.) The office is a 5 minute walk from my house. It took half an hour each way, I needed our nanny to push the stroller and I needed a rest afterwards.

But I did it!!!!!

I am so proud of myself.

I'm alive albeit stoned

I'm okay and the baby isn't sick after all. The sneezing just seems to come and go occasionally. No rhyme or reason. So mucous it is.

I think he was up crying a lot because his umbilical cord was coming off after getting caught on some clothing and it was a bit painful. They had cut it slightly longer when he went to the NICU in case he needed an IV there but they didn't---and when it dried up it was kind of big and sharp edged. My other kids never had this issue! More confusion.

It's off now and healing. I think he'll have an outie when all is said and done, but who knows?

Meantime, I'm tired and the pain is still everywhere. I went to see my GP and she sent me for an x-ray and some more bloodwork. She also upped my iron dosage, gave me more painkillers, and explained that with an emergency c-section they cut and repair everything the same way as a planned (at least mine was) but the speed means that there is a lot more bruising and tissue damage.

So I will logically take longer to heal. My incision looks good but my stomach muscles will never be the same I think. The top seems to hang over a bit where the scar is. Kind of disconcerting to look at myself in the mirror, you know? I don't look pregnant or fat, more like--half-inflated half-deflated? Weird...I wonder if it will stay that way forever? Anyone else have this happen?

The oxycodone makes me dopey so I got tylenol 3's and naproxen instead. Much better for my brain although slightly more painful.

And my new nanny is awesome. I swear I could not make it through this without her. These days most women don't live right beside their moms or their moms have jobs and can't help out. And husbands? Well, mine is great with diapers etc. but he has to go back to work during the day and we have two other kids to get to school and activities. In my case, I have no mom and only two hands. So having some help around the house is a godsend. A true miracle that every postpartum woman should get to experience. Hmmm- sounds like a great social program benefit for women. Maybe some political party should suggest it?

Oh, and Mr. Cotta put a birth notice in the paper that is hilarious. Leave an email or comment if you want to read it and I'll send it out to you. That man makes me laugh so hard....

I have lots more to post but I'm kind of fried and need a nap. One last thought....the baby's blog name is going to be Julius, inspired by the description on my sidebar.

Ironically it took me days to clue in to the name. Does pregnancy brain leave fast or slow? Sigh.....

sick

The baby is sneezing, which might just be him clearing his lungs of mucous. Or not.

And an hour ago he threw up everything he nursed, and looked very out of sorts. He's slept all day.

I'm going to take him into the doctor tomorrow, but I really have this desire to run to an ER right now.

I'm sure he's fine....I fed him again, cleaned him up and swaddled him and rocked him to sleep.

I just wish I knew for sure that he was okay ahead of time, so I could relax and sleep now.

Gahhhhhhh

trying to find some equilibrium

Slowly but surely life is getting a bit clearer. The fog is still there, but it's going to lift someday, right? I haven't been on my laptop in days.....feels like forever.

Nursing this baby on still feels like an exercise in nipple meets staple remover, mostly because his latch is still developing, and between the nipple cream and the shield some healing is happening. Good news---all the bleeding has stopped! Awesome! I'm trying not to consider the possibility that I don't have enough blood left in my circulation to spare and this is one way that my body is conserving red blood cells.

Anyway, I am now trying to choke down iron pills and vitamin C and Mr.Cotta is madly cooking red meats of every kind. I may switch from these pills to liquid Fer-in-Sol because I can break it up into smaller doses throughout the day with meals and juice and alternate with some fiber. I plan on asking my GP next week for a series of blood tests that I can get done every couple of weeks until I am topped up and completely perky and ruddy. The pain in my side has come back, and I think I can now safely get an x-ray done to see if anything is broken or if I just have muscle strain.

I am also very very very happy that I got that bikini wax, because the c-section incision area used to be hairier and taking out those staples and the tape would've been well, an extra bit of pain I did not need. Now if only I had remembered to get a back wax to ensure the epidural tape didn't hurt so much. (Also, arm wax to make sure the IV removal hurt less.) Oh well, at least you can all learn from me, right? Trust me.....ouch)

Regardless, you all need to know that I have the most brilliant child ON EARTH. Today he was sitting in his Fisher Price bouncy chair getting a little vibration and listening to some tunes, and his eyes focused on the hanging monkey and parrot, and then he touched them. Repeatedly, not even randomly. He isn't supposed to be able to do that for weeks.

Which means that he is obviously a genius, and we're applying for early entry to Harvard next week. Today, at one week of age----he is intelligent, captivating, handsome, and yes, a master champion at filling a diaper with great big poops.

There has to be a scholarship for that, right?