Thursday, December 28, 2006

Not feeling so miraculous today

Today is CD1.

Yep, you heard it right. I just had a seventeen day cycle. A new record, even for me. Didn't even get to fail a very expensive drug store pregnancy test.

Plus, this is a two year anniversary of sorts for me. In September of 2004, I had a very late miscarriage at 16 weeks. That pregnancy was, I believed, my last chance at a live baby. And when the ultrasound revealed that my daughter had died, no heartbeat, no movement, I lost it.

I knew I had to find out what happened, and get a diagnosis, so I had them send off a chromosome sample to the lab, and had my daughter's remains and the placenta sent to the US placental pathologist I had hired. She did her report, I read the email version and we discussed the results over the phone. The nightmare report where my perfectly formed fetus with perfect organs, had a massively clotted half-dead placenta on the mother's side of the chorionic plate. It was my fault, my genetic clotting defect that suffocated her.

The written report, and her remains arrived two years ago today in the mail. Yes, her body was sent to my house instead of back to the hospital or to the funeral home. (And yes, at 16 weeks there is most definitely a body...) No one would help us, no one would come pick the remains up, eventually my husband had to drive the remains of his own daughter to a funeral home, and then arrange for her burial and the funeral.

December 28 is officially the shittiest day on the calendar in our house.

15 comments:

  1. OMG Aurelia, I am so sorry. That is a terrible thing to happen with any warning or support in place. I am so sorry you had to deal with this.

    Our stories might be similar. My son was perfectly formed with perfect organs but there were massive clots on the placenta (on the fetal side) and a big clot in the cord. My DD had huge clots on her placenta but on the maternal side. I find it really hard coming to terms with recurrent problems like this. I'm sorry we might have something awful in common.

    I'll be thinking of you as you arrange to bury your daughter. What a truely sad occassion to end the year on. My heart goes out to you.

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  2. Oh, I am so, very, and deeply sorry. How strangely familiar yet different are our stories.

    Yes, there is a body. I have the hand and foot prints to prove it. They even took pictures, but I couldn't bear to see it.

    Shitty day indeed.

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  3. Thank you Clare. Just so you know, my daughters remains arrived two years ago today, and we had the funeral and burial two years ago. I'm sorry I should've made it clearer, these anniversaries can really suck the logic right out of me. But I do appreciate your good thoughts and love.

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  4. sorry I read that wrong. This day really sucks for you either way. I'm so sorry you went through this crap.

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  5. I am so sorry. Your right, I am putting it into our calendar as shittiest day of the year too. Sounds good to me.

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  6. What a horrific thing to have to go through, Aurelia. I'm not surprised dec 28th is a black day forever.

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  7. Aurelia, I have just Tagged you with Bugsy's 'Weird Meme'. If you've got a spare moment, and can be bothered doing it this time of year, you can check my blog for details. Take care of yourself and happy new year ***

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  8. I can't imagine how traumatic that must be. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  9. I think I would rather have no pregnancies for all the time I did rather than live through what you did. How horrendous....there can't be anything more devestating. I'm so sorry.

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  10. OMG - I can't believe tht the remains were sent directly to you. I found your blog through a comment you made about ovarian cancer on another blog (getting pregnant the high tech way). I started reading from the top, got to the weird things post, wondered about the FedEx fetus issue, and then got to this post. I can't imagine. I hope 2007 gets better for you.

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  11. Aurelia,
    Just started trying to catch up here. I am so, so, so sorry for your pain and the loss of your daughter and the incredibly insensitive and horrific and disrespectful way in which she was treated. Terrible.

    So sorry.

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  12. Oh, that is unbelievable. So shocking, and so sad. I am so sorry for the way both your daughter, and you were treated.

    How could they do that?!? I am glad to know that it sounds like you are in a position to speak about this horrible practice to people in positions of authority, but it is terrible that it had to happen to you personally.

    I am speechless.

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  13. Wow. That's just astounding. How horrible that must have been for you. I'm so surprised that there is no other protocol - if only for public health reasons. If you were in America, you would be suing the hospital or funeral home and creating new policy. You have my sympathy on this most unfortunate day.

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