Thursday, December 07, 2006

Too Many Penalties

I am still tired after the convention, or so I pretend to myself. Really, I've been sleepless for a couple of weeks now. It's not getting better.

The reasons? There are two.

I saw an old friend of mine from Young Liberal days recently and we were chatting away. He and I have a lot of respect for each other and never get to talk as much as we'd like to. As we're talking about plans for the convention, and getting together for drinks afterwards, maybe lunch, I set down my purse. And out everything falls---

Including two pill bottles, one labelled Concerta, the other Ritalin, with my name on both. He's not blind, he sees it and he knows. I gather up my purse and make jokes about having to clean it out, get rid of some of the junk. He kind of fake laughs.

I see him during the convention, but he is distant. I make the internal excuse that he is busy. He is working too, and we can't take time to talk. Except I know it's crap. At the end he is text messaging that we should get together for lunch. I reply yes. I stupidly let my hopes rise. Maybe he won't judge me, maybe we will still be friends.

Maybe I won't have to pay a penalty this time. Oh yeah, I've been thoroughly suckered.

ADHD is a real disease, and it has a very effective treatment, one I wish I'd found oh about 30 or so years ago. But I didn't, and I didn't have parents who gave enough of a damn to help me and for a very long time, I've been saying the exact wrong thing at the exact wrong time. It's called inappropriate verbal impulsivity, and I've got it in spades. I am also late for everything, and completely disorganized with paper. These are not great qualities in politics.

On the upside, I am intelligent, quick thinking, good at media and campaign analysis, and people reading. I've been told by more than one political buddy that I have awesome instincts. And when my drugs are working, and not screwed up by hyperthyroidism or other medical issues, I am a kick ass campaigner.

But I'll never get to prove it to my old friend. The Label is on my head. He hasn't called, and I'm betting he never will. After all, hasn't the media made it clear that ADHD is made up, just another excuse for lazy people. Now they can take drugs and be sucked in by the pharmaceutical industry. Maybe they can get addicted like Lynette on Desperate Housewives! See, when she put her kids in private school, they no longer needed drugs...just proves it's all made up. Right? Right?

Never mind the dozens of politicians who have ADD, (including at least two of the leadership candidates in the recent campaign, f'ing guaranteed, stake my life on it.) I know because I've seen it, plain as day, the same symptoms, the same problems with impulse control. The zingers delivered on the floor of the House of Commons, interspersed with flashes of brilliance. The dozens of cups of coffee, the drinking, the wild and amazing ideas, the passionate debates.

I wish, I wish, I wish...I wish my life was different. I wish I was diagnosed earlier, I wish my purse hadn't opened, I wish I could take back all the stupid things I've said and done in my life.

But it's too late.

I'll write more later. I'm so so sad right now.

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