Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Hard Work

I've had some really intense discussions lately, with my husband, with friends, with reporters, online with people, and with my therapist.

I have a strong sense of justice. Injustice bothers me so intensely I literally cannot sleep. I have focused on generic injustices in the universe but I'm starting to focus on myself more. Like, maybe I deserve some justice too. Personally.

Pink is pink, green is green. Repeat it a billion times in a row, and pink will still not be green. Even if 'they' think it SHOULD be.

From my own birth through every reproductive event in my life, the world has told me how I SHOULD feel. No one ever ASKS me how I feel, or why I feel this way, or believes me if I don't give them the answer they like.

Okay, many of YOU ask and care, but some people in my world IRL, don't. Some blogreaders don't.

So as far as being an adoptee, infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, momming, working, grieving, and just plain old living:

Dear World,

Don't tell me how to feel.

Ask

Don't tell my feelings are "wrong" because it doesn't fit your predefined world view. Just accept that I have a right to any damn feelings I want.

Don't dismiss me, minimize my feelings, or pretend I'm stupid. Don't 'label' me depressed because I'm not 'over it' in the precise timeframe you want me to be. I may never feel 'over it.' My actions may be wrong, my beliefs and theology may be messed up, my words may be inappropriately phrased.

But my feelings are never wrong, they just are what they are.

I may never get the justice I want, and I have to figure out how to sit with that. If none of the people who have hurt me ever apologizes to me or explains what happened, I may feel shitty forever.

I am sad my babies are dead.

I am sad I was adopted.

I am sad I was adopted by the people I got stuck with.

I am sad my ovaries are in organ failure.

I am sad I may never get pregnant or stay pregnant again.

I am sad the world thinks these issues are no big deal.

I am also strangely enough, still a happy productive accomplished person and a good mother. It is possible to go through life and carry some sadness and still be happy to exist. It's just heavier baggage to carry.

Even if you, World, don't think this juxtaposition of my feelings SHOULD exist.

Damned impudent nervy woman that I am...

Signed,
Aurelia

P.S. I feel like the last week has been a marathon every day. And pressing publish feels like an emotional release. The good kind.

28 comments:

  1. Absolutely! Yes!! Of course you do!! Those are the words I heard in my mind as I read this post.

    And I completely understand when you say you can still be a happy, productive person even while carrying some heavy loads. It's just there will always be those people who want the world to be a lot more one dimensional than that. You are either happy or sad- you can't be both. Of course those are also usually the same people who have not yet had to cope with any significant feelings of loss.

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  2. Yes you do. You definitely have the right to feel any way you want, and I'm so glad this blog has been an emotional release for you lately, thats what they're here for. I know I've tended to use mine to release some issues which play on my mind lately and it helps alot. Even though sometimes I may appear to be psycho, it feels better to get them out there instead of staying inside my head. Thank you for your comments on there by the way. I truly value your perspective.

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  3. I loved this post. Just loved it. Thanks for pressing publish.

    ((((HUGS)))

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  4. Yes - thanks for pressing "publish". You make us think and feel, and we go along on your ride. Sad, happy, conflicted, that's what makes us people and not monkeys.

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  5. Hear hear! You said that beautifully.

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  6. From one damned, impudent, nervy woman to another... great post!

    Although my life path has been different from yours, I can relate to your feelings of being treated unjustly. I relate strongly.

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  7. Damn straight! I feel, therefore I am! And if I feel differently than you do, and you don't like it, stop reading for cripes' sakes. ;-0

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  8. Good for you and a good post :) X Artblog

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  9. That's right, you tell'em woman! That way I don't have to. Such a lovely post. Here's what my letter might say...

    I am sad that I grew up fatherless.
    I am sad that my father was ill in so many ways.
    I am sad that I had to get a divorce.
    I am sad that I didn't marry the right one the first time around.
    I am sad that the first husband had so many affairs.
    I am sad that I have to worry about STDs despite my very short list of sex partners (2 total).
    I am sad that I miscarried.
    I am sad that I am afraid of what will be next to be sad about. Very afraid.

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  10. What a great post, Aurelia...
    It truly resonates w/me on so many levels.
    [better type/publish fast before my comment probs show up again!]
    KEEP TYPING, it's great therapy -- & I'm w/you on the injustice thang, it keeps me awake at night too.

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  11. You have every right to your feelings Aurelia. I am listening to them and wonder how you do it!

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  12. So, Aurelia, why don't you tell us what you really think? ; )

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  13. Can I keep this? I think I'm going to need it. I'm starting to get angry about how I'm being pushed aside or people questioning my feelings...

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  14. You most certainly know how to say it. And you said it so very well.

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  15. Amen sister! You feel the way you feel!

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  16. Well said. Very heartfelt and honest post. Love it. Thanks for sharing.

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  17. Sometimes I wish I was simple, not simple as in lack of smarts but simple as in uncomplicated. It always seems like it would be so much easier.

    Not sure why some people can't understand feeling many different ways at the same time and still enjoy life. Isn't the complexity the spice of life? Living life to its fullest?

    Thanks for you comments on my blog, it touched me quite a bit.

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  18. Yes, I totally get your frustrations with others. and for the record, IRL nobody asks me how I'm feeling either. and I had a lot of sadness about having tried to have another live baby since August 04 and ttc this time around for 16 months before seeing even the faintest of double lines. ttc is sad and horrible. losing faith that your body will ever do it again is the pits. I think this is such a sad, dark time for you. Aurelia, how are you feeling?

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  19. So I thought I hit post and something posted but I guess not.

    I am sad for you, too, Aurelia.

    Good for you for saying what you really feel!

    Take care.

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  20. I just started reading. Wow. Very well said. And how true.

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  21. The injustice in the world bothers me too -- pain, hunger, fear, war, grief, nobody should have to go through any of those things. One of the reasons I hate hate hate about being an American right now is the feeling of being absoluely helpless to stop my government from perpetrating those injustices throughout the world. It makes me so angry because I do what I can and it doesn't seem to make a difference.

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  22. Beautifully written. I am sad about certain traumatic events in my life. I am allowed to be sad. It doesn't define me, but I recognize it's there. When my sadness is validated, it helps the scars heal. It's part of the healing process.

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  23. What a poignant post. Thanks for taking the time to share what's in your head. We're here for you, understand your sadness and offer our support...

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  24. Great post.
    Poss. xx (Aussie adoptee)

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  25. Oh sweetie, I'm sad that you're sad but above all, I'm sad we as a species can't handle the necessity of sadness at all. You are so right to be sad, and so much saner for it. Your sadness is reactive and absolutely necessary, how else would you ruminate and hopefully digest some of it? I have very charred places in my soul that will never recover and that sadness will always be there - but I am getting used to it, and I am trying to ensure that I have as much life quality as I possibly can, for eveything that I have lost, for everything that I still have, and for the memories whose sole guardian I am. I sometimes fear for the adults our children will be precisely bcs of this, they are often not allowed to just be sad. Sadness often induces parental hysteria and teaches them IT IS NOT ALL RIGHT. Children who are not allowed to have their little periods of mours, for whatever their reasons are, even if inexplicable, grow up to be adults who panic when others are grieving and will blindly try to push them into being all right. I think this is why we hear so many horrid things, bcs people genuinely don't know how to handle the bad and the mortal. And I know I've often found myself feeling slightly guilty and even maladjusted bcs I simply hadn't stopped grieving and people were upset. The fuck?? I'm all liberated now - my life, my deaths, my feelings, my right to bare my fangs when you are inappropriate or just plain daft, I used to fret abt the world so much and that was also a brilliant way NOT to dwell with what was wrong with me as well, no more. If I am putting others first, and the others are putting themselves first, who has my back? How can I be of any use to others if I'm overextended? NO MORE. Death is an end, it doesn't have to be the end of it all - if we're lucky. I intend to be, and I intend to not let others' psyches fuck up my world further.

    Shout your grief from the rooftops if you must, be rude at times if you must, if it were an abscess it'd be taken seriously and lanced, this festers too. AND, we'll always be here, wagons circled.

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