Friday, March 30, 2007

I should write every day

Because then you would all know that I am content mostly sort-of-ish, like all week until last night, which got all screwed up. You see, AF still isn't here, and I'm not pg, so now I'm just waiting for Godot.

I have lots of estrogen, but am overheated, sweaty, nervous, non-existent to light know hyperthyroid, except that my TSH looks normal sometimes, then really low. I'm getting another RAIU scan April 10th, so here's hoping it shows something and someone gives a damn...unlikely, but who knows?

I've had insomnia for a week now and I'm trying to keep it together, but I fell apart yesterday, between parent-teacher meetings, appointments, & errands and the house looked like a mess when hubs came home. So he freaked...we had been getting along so well for the last little while. And we had a fight. I just can't stand fighting, but inevitably when I'm tired and cranky and hormonal I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, and set him off, but it gets worse because he just can't let go of petty old resentments that he has built up. At one point, we were getting along and had sort of made up, but had another fight when he got angry over something from THREE years ago.

Like I remember 3 years ago? Major stuff, yes, but a little dispute over parking the car? Hardly...I know we'll make up, but still, not fun.

Anyway, I've got to go finish my film before Bea kicks my's almost done...

Oh, head's NOT see Pan's Labyrinth if you have ever had a miscarriage, or stillbirth, or high-risk pregnancy and as far as current movies go...."Meet the Robinsons" doesn't sound like a great movie for adoptees or really anyone who cares about adoption to see. We all know Disney has a weird obsession with missing or dying mothers in it's movies...from Bambi to Tarzan, they just can't show a living normal mother, but this one is strange...the kid is looking for his "Birth Mother", but he is described as an "orphan", (if he really was an orphan, she'd be dead, duh...obviously she's alive) and everyone seems to want to hide the information he needs. They keep telling him to "keep moving forward" and ignore the past...except that's bullshit as we all know.

Yes, Bea we do need the International Infertility Film Festival!

And maybe an adoption one next. We'll get some of the first Moms to do that...hehe


  1. Thanks for the heads-up on Pan's Labyrinth.

  2. Hi! I found your blog via Reality's and have added it to my bookmarks. I really could relate to your post about being angry that you are surrounded by messages about how you "should" feel instead of questions about how you do feel. This is a constant source of frustration for me - that and feeling like people just do not understand where I am coming from!!

    I haven't seen the movies that you talk about but I honestly find Disney stuff to often be disturbing. In fact, most children's films, books, etc. seem to send some very distorted messages. I absolutely hate the books that portray women and men in completely traditional gender roles, i.e., "Daddy leaves for work with his briefcase while mommy fixes breakfast." Yuck! When I used to read them to my nieces years ago, I used to change the words.

  3. its funny you should mention Disney, I noticed that lately when LaLa watches one of those she ends up in tears!? Oh the teletubby days, how I miss them!

    Cannot wait to see your film and what a pain about AF, has she taken this long before?

  4. Thanks for the head's up on Pan's. That's on my Netflix queue. And the Robinson's sounds just plain weird. Not even Disney-weird - just weird.

  5. Jeez don't you hate it when you type a half a page comment and bloody blogger eats it? Well, i love you dearly so I'll just type it again. Damnit.

    First I said how sorry I was to hear about your row. Not what you needed.

    The other thing was about this comment about Disney that I've seen frequently on other sites. Disney really isn't doing anything weird by killing off its parents or making them absent for some reason, as in Bambi. This is just part of the universal hero myth which occurs in most cultures. The hero needs some call to action, somethng that makes them different and takes them away from their every day life. You can read more about it here.

    So rather than critiquing disney for a strange take on the world, congratulate them instead for the way they have incorporated centuries of learning into their stories. Except perhaps for this new one, which I know nothing about, so this is a more general point about the classic stories - after all many of the early films are fairy tales which are centuries old (snow white, sleeping beauty, beauty and the beast etc.).

    Plenty of other reasons to critique disney, but this one doesn't sit well with me.

  6. Aurelia, such fun you're having. The bloody hell? Don't really know what to say abt hubby, he seems to be the brooding sort. Emanuel will bring up things from 3 months ago but 3 years? It's a shame he won't see anyone, I can't imagine he feels happy this way. And don't berate yourself so much, in my experience, at the end of the day bottle-uppers will let it out and you can't be forever checking yourself in case he becomes angry. I simply hope it gets better somehow, for both of you.

    Pan's Labyrinth? I had it all downloaded and ready to watch when my colleague warned me they bash some fairy's skull, that was all I needed to be told. Don't need no gore in my psyche.

    It's the weekend, hope you enjoy it, a lot. And I hope your exam shows something, anything that could be fixed. It does sound like something is always missed, you poor overwhelmed thing.

    [Verif word is "nobnips". This fits UK slang SO well I've regressed and am enjoying it!]

  7. Oh I forgot the most important thing right now - is your insomnia the sort where you can't fall alseep or the sort where you can but wake up too early? Aurelia, sleep deprivation alone will make you feel like you going mad, and stupid. People underestimate but it's a truly dangerous thing. I don't know what meds you're takign but if you can't fall asleep please find someone who'll prescribe a sleep inducer, Stillnox does wonders for me (you need to be in bed and ready to sleep when you take it). If you wake up too soon, try something like valium and a muscle relaxant - but please do something. Not sleeping turns the world into a really dark place and makes everything so much worse, artificially worse at that. One week is enough to make you half batty, PLEASE GET HELP NOW.

  8. Re Thalia's comment above: Disney may be tapping into some kind of universal hero myth, but why is is always the mothers that seem to go missing?

    They change lots of things about the original stories -- why not this? (for an example of a significant change, in the original version, IIRC, the little mermaid commits suicide when the prince decides to marry someone else).

    Actually one exception I thought of is The Lion King. But even there, the father is killed during the course of the movie, instead of (as in many cases involving mothers) simply absent.

  9. I am mostly being humorous here- but if you ask me, one of Disney's most bizarre storylines was at the heart of the much beloved "Parent Trap." Now I loved the original as a kid, and my kids love the new version with the very young, and still cute, Lindsey Lohan.

    But come on! Two grown adults get married, have twins, realize they can't stay married and so decide each one of them will take a twin and never see each other again, OR tell the girls that they have a twin sister??? Let's not even go into how easily the young girls accept this bizarre arrangement their parents made once it is discovered. I think that one is beyond crazy (but I still secretly love it).

  10. Insomnia sucks and so does a missing period.

  11. Oh boy Aurelia, sorry you're having a hard time with the not sleeping, the no period, and the grumpy hubby. Is it okay if I reach thru the screen and give you a big hug? :-)

  12. I hope you found out about Pan's Labrynth from my blog rather than actually having to sit THROUGH that nightmare!

    (a shame really... were I not an infertile miscarrying MESS I'd really have enjoyed it!)