(I know part of this post may upset some adoptees and birth mothers out there. I'm sorry ahead of time, please know that each situation is unique, I'm not referring to you, and really this post is about my husband and me.)
Yesterday we all went out to a family party that was meant as a celebration for my 10 year old niece. There was a bunch of extended family there, and for the first time, the little girl I mentioned waaaay back here.
When I first heard that this very young relative was pregnant unexpectedly, I had wondered out loud to my husband about the possibility of us adopting the baby, simply because knowing her, I knew that this woman would not be a very good mother, and I didn't want CAS to seize the child and take her away from all her blood relatives and give her to strangers to raise or let her bounce around foster care. It wasn't something we had done anything about, and she of course, had no interest in giving up her child. But she also had no interest in being a good mother, she really sincerely thought it would be lots of fun to hang out with a baby, assumed she would gets "lots" of money from it, (yes, a quote). Totally unrealistic...
Well, over a year later, back in the real world, it has been very very hard for her to keep her child. She gets daycare subsidies, but works nights in a bar, so she never sees the little girl. (She refuses to try and get a day job, "too boring.") Her ex-boyfriend keeps trying to get more and more time with the child, and gives her some money, but not much because he has very little money. Two parents (who are more like kids themselves), no high school education, no parenting skills, and no motivation to try. Yes, the child will have food and shelter courtesy of grandparents, and no-one will physically hurt her, but still not exactly a great situation...
Anyway, the baby was there, with her grandmother, and all of us. I kept it together and tried to be nice and polite, baby chit-chat and all. (Honest admission: It is hard for me to see any baby anywhere, not just this one.) The hostess had called me and given me a heads up that they would be there, which I was glad for, since I could stick myself in the right frame of mind ahead of time.
The strange thing was my husband reaction...Mr. Cool and Collected was acting so strange, I couldn't get over it. He was running around COOING after this little baby girl. Trying to get her attention, making goo goo faces. He was positively yearning for her to pay some attention to him, to play with him, to hug him.
He NEVER does this, with any baby except our own boys, and they haven't been babies in ages. It was just so hard to see him, so obviously wanting a child, and knowing that it probably won't happen.
He never talks about our lost daughters, just alludes to "the reason we bought the car," or "what happened before."
For years now, he has acted like he doesn't even want me to try to get pregnant, that he has no interest in having more kids, and that he only goes along with all my obsessions just to keep the peace. (Interspersed of course, with comments that make it clear he wants to have a baby. And of course, we are still having sex, blah blah blah *eyeroll*) A few months after one of our miscarriages, he actually told one of our mutual friends that he was only going along with my renewed attempts to get pregnant because he knew it wouldn't work anyway. That really hurt...
But now I wonder, did he really mean that when he said it? Or is he just desperate to not get hurt again, to not be disappointed again, to not have another terrible loss eat us both up. When he said that, was he only trying to protect himself? Gahhhh, if he would rather stick a fork in his eye than talk about his feelings, then how am I supposed to know what's going on?
I'm starting to wonder if any man on earth exists who will talk about his feelings openly and honestly. Somewhere? I've met a few...but not a lot. And in the blogosphere, well, there are very few male bloggers who talk about infertility and loss. IRL, not very many ever show up at my support group meetings.
I'm starting to think that there must be some secret group of men out there who talk about their feelings when women are not present....like a club we don't have the password for.