I've been crying all day since Kaz left for camp on the bus. I missed him before he left.
And no I can't see any silver lining here, don't even try. He's such a great kid, so funny and intelligent, and responsible that it's no trouble to have him around the house. I just pray to God he has a great time and makes some friends after all this chaos and angst around him going away.
I feel like a bad parent, mostly because no one I knew until I came to the big city had ever sent their kid away before they were 18. When I was growing up, the only reason to leave home without your parents before that was if you were in trouble, as in a few girls I knew growing up who were sent away after getting pregnant and a few boys who were sent to youth jail for stealing something or damaging someone's property. Going away being a good thing is all so topsy turvy to me, I feel like a pretzel.
I am a mother to both living and dead children, and figuring out how to let the living ones just live is nearly impossible.
For example, I never wanted to raise privileged kids. Coming from poverty, I just wanted to be able to feed my kids, and put a roof over their heads. I wanted to live without fear. And now dropping him off at that bus today, I found myself surrounded by rich kids and rich parents, who pretended to look sad when the kids were there, then started whooping it up and yelling, "We're free!" as soon as the bus pulled away, (yeah, true story, I wanted to smack them all....ungrateful fuckheads.)
I'm realizing that I will never feel comfortable in this life we've built.
I don't fit in with the Rosedale/Forest Hill set, but I can't go back to being poor either. In my primitive brain, (not the logical one, but my Id brain) we're rich simply because I can go to the grocery store and buy anything I want. Not go to Gucci and buy anything I want, but a grocery store. That's what poverty does to a child, it limits their ability to dream bigger dreams. But raising a kid with affluenza is just as bad. I think having everything you want growing up makes it harder to empathize with those have to hear no everyday.
My boys will never truly appreciate where I've come from. Unless they read this blog someday, I guess?
A friend of mine who reads this site told me that I sometimes sound very motherly towards all of you, very protective. I was surprised at first, but then it clicked. My kids are growing up and leaving me and even if I keep hoping to have another one, it probably won't happen.
Maybe I'm looking for some surrogate kids?
I'm missing a kid this week, I hope you don't mind me inflicting myself on a few of you this week till my own comes back?