Saturday, June 30, 2007

I've been crying all day since Kaz left for camp on the bus. I missed him before he left.

And no I can't see any silver lining here, don't even try. He's such a great kid, so funny and intelligent, and responsible that it's no trouble to have him around the house. I just pray to God he has a great time and makes some friends after all this chaos and angst around him going away.

I feel like a bad parent, mostly because no one I knew until I came to the big city had ever sent their kid away before they were 18. When I was growing up, the only reason to leave home without your parents before that was if you were in trouble, as in a few girls I knew growing up who were sent away after getting pregnant and a few boys who were sent to youth jail for stealing something or damaging someone's property. Going away being a good thing is all so topsy turvy to me, I feel like a pretzel.

I am a mother to both living and dead children, and figuring out how to let the living ones just live is nearly impossible.

For example, I never wanted to raise privileged kids. Coming from poverty, I just wanted to be able to feed my kids, and put a roof over their heads. I wanted to live without fear. And now dropping him off at that bus today, I found myself surrounded by rich kids and rich parents, who pretended to look sad when the kids were there, then started whooping it up and yelling, "We're free!" as soon as the bus pulled away, (yeah, true story, I wanted to smack them all....ungrateful fuckheads.)

I'm realizing that I will never feel comfortable in this life we've built.

I don't fit in with the Rosedale/Forest Hill set, but I can't go back to being poor either. In my primitive brain, (not the logical one, but my Id brain) we're rich simply because I can go to the grocery store and buy anything I want. Not go to Gucci and buy anything I want, but a grocery store. That's what poverty does to a child, it limits their ability to dream bigger dreams. But raising a kid with affluenza is just as bad. I think having everything you want growing up makes it harder to empathize with those have to hear no everyday.

My boys will never truly appreciate where I've come from. Unless they read this blog someday, I guess?

A friend of mine who reads this site told me that I sometimes sound very motherly towards all of you, very protective. I was surprised at first, but then it clicked. My kids are growing up and leaving me and even if I keep hoping to have another one, it probably won't happen.

Maybe I'm looking for some surrogate kids?

I'm missing a kid this week, I hope you don't mind me inflicting myself on a few of you this week till my own comes back?


  1. Oh my god, I so know what you are talking about when you wrote how you missed him before he left. I'm taking my son to college on !!Thursday!! and I'm an absolute basketcase. He's not even gone and I miss him already.

  2. You can be my mom for the week. I am sure camp will be a good experience for him. I hope you will survive it as well.

  3. Inflict away.
    I am sure I told you this before, but in The Old Country going away to camp was a good thing, and even though we were on the poor side (I think it was harder to tell back there for a kid, but that's another story), it was still a good thing.
    I hope Kaz has a great time and then comes back to talk your ears off about how great it was, so you can feel good about him going, even if it is in retrospect.

  4. Inflict away....

    My Mum lives on the other side of the country and I miss her terribly - so you being Mum this week will be most welcome!

  5. Okay, I am leaving a comment after a few days of lurking. Yikes, those other parents would have probably sent me over the edge. I didn't grow up in a house where that was the attitude my mother had towards us, the opposite in fact.

    I love your grocery store comment. That's my idea of being rich too.

  6. I'm sorry you are feeling blue without your boy. I always feel that empty space when one of mine is away too.

    I think the important thing in the end is whether or not Kaz enjoys going to camp. Camp is one of those things that isn't inherently good or bad, and certainly isn't a necessity, but for the right kid it can be a great experience (if it's a good camp).

    There is nothing wrong with holding tight to your kids though. In my opinion we let go too quickly these days.

  7. Aww, sweetie, you can mum me any time you want, since mine lives so far away, I could do with a surrogate.

    And your friend is right, you do mummy us all the time, and I like that about you :)


  8. I can sort of relate to the grocery store thing. After years as a poor student I am still marvelling about being able to buy anything at the grocery store.

    Oh and feel free to mother me, mine's far away in the US at the moment.

  9. My husband's sister had made me positively ill with her affluenza and the resultant attitude her three boys (ages 13, 18, 19) have. They expect everything to be handed to them on demand -- like new multi-thousand-dollar mountain bikes every year, in addition to new snowboards (and the associated gear of course), the latest teen styles, flights around the country to competitions that don't earn them anything, and a zillion other things. The oldest boys were allowed to not complete their high school education for one reason or another (citing sports competitions or concussions resulting therefrom as reasons). The oldest boy had his summer in Europe paid for by mom and dad while taking a year off before going back to complete his high school education (while his friends were there for the summer just before entering university). Oh, and I could go on.

    Not that the parents set any kind of example. They have to have specific brands and models of car because that's what all the others in their circle drive. They have to have an overpriced cotage on a ski hill to show off to friends. They have to have a houseful of pets because that's what SIL wants, but when they go away, my MIL has to stay at the house to keep the animals company!

    But I've got to stop. They drive me insane -- bottom line -- and I equally refuse to let my kids go down that road.

  10. Hi! I'm a new reader to your blog. I had to comment on the whole affluenza business.

    I grew up in a poor family. I grew up wasting nothing and eating generic. While my husband and I now make enough money to buy "name brand" we rarely do. To us the generic tastes the same as name brand.

    I am worried that because we have money I will spoil or daughter. I'm scared that I will give her the affluenza bug as I give her what she wants. My husband has assured me he will not let me do this. Our daughter will understand that money has value and you work to get it.

    I also want to chime in and say those other parents? Jerks. I can't imagine a time, ever, where I will want a week away from my daughter.

  11. I could use a surrogate mom these days:)

    I'm sorry that you're missing your boy, it makes perfect sense to me. I would have wanted to smack the other parents as well.

  12. I see your "adopted blogger" list is growing, but I'd be happy to be added to it! My mom too is far away. This is my last IVF cycle and its not looking good. Some mothering would be welcome!

    Congratulations on even being aware the the affluenza bug. Kaz will surely be fine with a mom who is so aware. But it is definitely hard to be around those people! UGH.