Friday, October 24, 2008

Ups and downs

I just realized that I haven't posted in a while, so I thought I would let you all know what's going on.

Basically, for months now I have been rather disorganized and behind the eight ball. Pretty confused as well. Just before I had the baby I went off my ADHD/ADD medications since I was getting tired and wanted to nap more, plus I wasn't driving as much, and really I didn't think it was helping my blood pressure.

And then after I had the baby, I was very very sick and weak for a long time. I needed to be able to sleep whenever I could and just take care of me and him and let everything else go. (I wasn't very good at that. I kept trying to do things, I'd get frustrated and realize that you were all right to tell me that I should just lie down and chill.) Eventually I did give up stressing over it, which had the unfortunate side effect of things piling up.

I gave up on physio because I could never remember to go there or do the exercises. I gave up on pretty much anything that required me to be ontime and alert. Which means that between missed birthday parties and lost opportunities, life has kind of sucked for the family at large. Nannies can only do so much, reality is that they aren't going to take charge and replace parents completely. (And I wouldn't want her to, but damn if I could teach mine to do my filing and enter all my contacts and appointments into Outlook that would be sweet!)

So here I was stumbling along, and a few days after the election I finally hit the wall.

Or more accurately, I fell back from the wall where I had been adjusting curtains, and stepped on to Julius.

Who screamed loudly, and pitifully all the way to the ER while my husband drove all of us to the hospital. I was hysterical the entire time, convinced that I was a piece of shite mother, and they were going to call CAS, and maybe they should, and boy did I ever beat myself up.

Meantime, guess which baby smiled and laughed for the doctors and nurses the second we arrived? Yep, he was fine, and I was an anxiety ridden mess. They examined him all over, pronounced him perfectly okay, and sent us home, telling me that not to worry. Ha. Commence weeping and guilt immediately in mommyland.

I realized I needed my ADD/ADHD medication again, because I hadn't even been high up. I fell back when I was only 18 inches off the ground for pete's sake! I've always been clumsier off the meds, but this is ridiculous. (My spatial awareness is pathetic, I walk into walls, trip, bash myself, it's not good. ) So I called Motherisk and made another appointment. They took me the next day, and I met with the same Doc I saw before. He was lovely and kind, and very informative. Turns out that they had some data and some studies after he had met with me, and Ritalin and Concerta or methylphenidate, only end up in breast milk in microscopic levels. It's there, but barely measurable. Apparently the breast filters it out quite well, almost completely. Adderall and Dexedrine and various amphetamines do get into breast milk but in very very small amounts, just under 10% in the breastmilk of whatever the amount in my blood level would be. S

So literally less than if I had some wine with dinner or took narcotics for pain relief after the c-section.

In the end, the risk of me screwing up life by not paying bills and accidentally hurting the kids or getting into a car accident if I'm off my medication has outweighed any tiny risk of drugs in my milk. You may wonder, why not formula? Well, both my older kids have issues, Kaz is gifted ADD/LD, and Mac likely will get a diagnoses soon. Would they be even worse if I hadn't breastfed them? I don't know, but I do know that there is lots of evidence that breast milk helps with brain development and considering the pattern the older siblings already have....hell, I'd rather keep breastfeeding, just in case it does help mitigate the risk.

So I'm back on Adderall on most days, and if I get too tired or sick then I'll skip it and get some rest, but for now, this is just the best thing for me and Julius I think. Good news, I have been filling calendars out and writing notes and paying bills and sorting receipts, in between children errands and baby and music classes.

Hopefully, I'll laugh about stepping on him one day, but I have to tell you, I'm really not there yet. Sigh...have any of you ever done anything like this? Dropped your kid, etc.? Please share, even anonymously. I need to feel like other mothers do this, not just me.


  1. Well, if it helps... I fell down a flight of stairs with Baby O in my arms just last weekend. Literally a flight - I slipped on stair #3.

    Luckily it just scared the bejeezus out of him and me (me with a few ugly bruises to boot). But neither one of us was hurt, not really anyway.

    So I hear you on the guilt thing. I'm fairly clumsy on stairs - always have been. I just let my guard down for one moment and WOOP - there it all goes.

    Thank goodness it wasn't worse.


  2. Oh sweetie, sounds like you're having some rough times too.

    listen, D's fallen off the couch and onto the floor twice! none of us are perfect and anyone who says they are are bloody liars. it happens to everyone, it was a mistake, you know not to beat yourself up about it.

    sending you hugs and some kisses from Paris :)


  3. You aren't alone. I don't have a kid to tell you about the horrible things that have happened, but I am confident that the same kinds of things will be happening to me when I do have one. It was an accident. It wasn't intentional. You didn't mean to do it. You have to try not to feel guilty about it anymore.

  4. At least you have an excuse. My bad mommy moments have just been average clumsiness. I fell and dropped Myles' infant carrier on its side...with Myles in it. I had the biggest bruise on my rear thigh and was sure I had broken his neck. He slept through it and was no worse for wear. And Sam...hell...I'm surprised Sam has survived childhood with my less-than-graceful mommy skills.

    Take care of you. {{{hugs}}}

  5. Once I put A on the bed while I was getting dressed and he rolled right off the edge. I felt like a total twit.

    Take the meds if you need them. I stayed on mine throughout my pregnancy with K and also while nursing. It's just much better for me to be on them than off...

    (((hugs))) You're not alone!

  6. I'm not there yet but I know I will be. I've heard this sort of thing happening to so many people.

    I hope you can look back and laugh someday soon and that your guilt will subside.

    On another note, I'm glad to hear that you are taking care of you again. Because when the oxygen mask drops from the roof of the airplane, you know you're supposed to put yours on first right???


  7. When my first son, at nine months, bit me during breastfeeding, I screamed and stood up and he rolled down my legs and onto the floor. I cried about it for days but he never did it again. And every one of my friends can tell a similar story.

  8. Oh yeah, other mothers do this.

    And that's all I'm gonna say about that...

  9. Oh, Aurelia

    Um. Hiking in woods, baby in backpack, tripped on stump, crash. Fortunately I'd had the sense to buy a pack that held the baby in it (padded straps over his shoulders), and I fell forward. So me? Bashed up. Him? Jostled, but fine.

    And then there was the time when as an infant we left him in the car seat at the restaurant but unbuckled him so he wasn't squished while we were eating dinner ... and forgot to refasten him into the seat before we snapped it into its base and drove home (on Mother's Day, no less). Gee whiz. Fortunately it was an uneventful drive.

    Or the time I was bouncing him on my knees and let him rock down to the floor but he flipped all the way over while we were still holding hands so that both his little, tiny wrists made a crackling sound (and he burst out wailing -- it must have hurt horribly) and I thought I'd broken both of them. Oh, and we were visiting family in an isolated part of West Virginia and it was nighttime on a weekend. Yeah. Fortunately, he was, again, fine...5 minutes (at most) of tears and then he was back to his usual, happy self, wrists apparently unaffected.

    Does that cover it?

    I'm glad Julius is OK, that you have a good doctor, and that you are getting the care and medications you need.

  10. Love you.

    My husband cut Baby Man's finger pretty badly while cutting his nails. I tripped over something and fell on my ass with him in my arms when he was a a few weeks old. These things happen.

  11. When my baby was 8 months old I had her on my shoulders dancing her around, when I misjudged the height of a doorway and smacked her little head right into it.....She is 14 now, and fine, but I'm still reminded of it---jokingly, but still.....

  12. When my daughter was 11 months old, I propped an empty plastic storage box across the top of the spiral staircase in our bedroom so she wouldn't fall down the stairs while I (finally!) cleaned out my closet. She moved the container and fell down the stairs. I'll never forget the sound or turning round to see her gone.

    Luckily she surfed the storage box down the stairs and was 100% fine. I feel like I owe big for that one.

  13. No baby-trauma stories, but a doozy nonetheless...
    When Z was just shy of 3, he got away from me in a dept store, climbed up on a display w/some mannequins - as I was racing towards him, I watched in slow-motion as he sidestepped off the platform & his R ankle buckled. A small bruise, minimal swelling so Dr Mom diagnosed a sprained ankle - after all, w/in a week's time he was walking normally. 3 wks later he was clowning around on the luggage cart, twisted ankle AGAIN & became lame. Ex hauled him to dr & he had actually bucked his shin! (hairline fx of tibia) Insisted on going from there to orthopedic specialist who asked, "What do you want ME to do? It's already healed!" But of course he wanted to make an issue of that during the custody battle :-(
    A long-winded way of saying please don't beat up on yourself too much!

  14. Tripped on the front porch steps while carrying Baby J and thus dropped him on his head on the porch. 13 years later, he seems fine, but I'm still thinking he may have landed on the mathematical part of his brain. :)

    Take care of yourself, please.

  15. Well... for example, I sidn't supervise my almost-two-year old adequately during a family barbeque and he grabbed for the grill, burning his fingers. I have lots of stories like that.

  16. Oh yeah. Poison control knows me by first name due to the things my 3 year old has eaten while I was distracted (deodorant and the inside of a clean diaper for starters). I also stepped on W while playing Dance Dance Revolution with my nieces while they were visiting 3 weeks ago.

    I went through this same lament when I started Zoloft for PPD in August. I was freaking myself out worrying about W getting it through breast milk even though it has been proven to be safe. There really was nothing that made me feel totally comfortable with taking except the knowledge that I am a much better parent on it than not. Emotionally present. Not fantasizing about my death all day long and obsessing about my health. Good things like that.

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  18. PB smacked his head against my collar bone whilst whipping around to look at something and he BRUISED HIS EYE. I thought They were going to Have Me Watched, for sure. There's a couple of other minor incidents, but could be worse... it was always the youngest sibling copping that sort of stuff around our house growing up.