Swaying back and forth

I mentioned that I had strep didn't I? And took lots of antibiotics but they didn't seem to work perfectly. Took the edge off though.

I was feeling happier about the cottage thing, (thank you for all your kind comments yesterday!) and had managed to spend some time on the dock, but last night we heard a bear snuffling and rooting around so we got up really early, like at dawn.

And this morning I threw up.

I've felt really dizzy and off-kilter ever since. My stomach is not so steady. Everything moves funny even when I'm on steady ground.

Did I mention that AF came really early last time, like day 24, and I'm only on CD7 or 8 or something? So we know it's not pregnancy.

Maybe I'm just allergic to the outdoors.

Not very relaxing so far

Coping is one way to describe how things are going up here in the far north. Last night, I would’ve described myself as depressed and in despair, but a friend is coming up with her kid, and hopefully we can share the workload with her. (Mr.Cotta is doing a LOT of cooking, have to give him credit, it’s just not much of a vacation for him either that way.)

At minimum, she can help us watch over Mac, who is becoming the master of disaster up here. We’ve already been to the hospital twice, once to repair a massive cut he had acquired on his back, and the other time to deal with the consequences of a deerfly or blackfly bite, we weren’t sure which. The square inch of skin he sheared off was glued on to his back and sealed with a gigantic waterproof dressing, and the allergic reaction to the bite is healing with Benadryl and Claritin being used to prevent another one. The bite was freaky because his forehead swelled up with a welt 5 inches across, 3 inches high, and 1 inch deep. It has since slowly drained down through his sinuses etc, swelling the space between his eyes, blackening them both, and enlarging his nose and cheekbones along the way. My poor baby looked so bruised and sad it was heartbreaking.

It’s a thirty km roundtrip by car to the nearest town with a hospital, and really, it’s more like an ER with a helipad to get patients to bigger hospitals. They have lots of shiny fab equipment thanks to the government, but very few staff. Most have been lured away by U.S. hospitals recruiting teams promising big bucks apparently. So God forbid anything bad happens, we’re kind of screwed. By next week we’ll be back in the big city, but what the heck do the locals do? I feel awful for them. Of course, there are very very few locals up here.

To give you some perspective, I can’t make links, but we are about 50 km south of Algonquin Park, and about 3 hours drive north of my big city. If you looked at a map of Ontario, that little town I mentioned? Doesn’t even show up at all. Maybe 5,000 people spread over thousands of square kms.

And this is the populated area of rural Ontario. There is an entire riding north of Lake Superior (Google Kenora, Ontario to see the centre of it) larger than the country of France, seriously…and only 90,000 people in all of it. (Artblog, what is the population of France right now? Heck of a lot more than that I assume.) Groceries have to be flown in, nevermind Doctors, so yes, health care access can be a challenge in our country and there is a reason for it.

I am so lonely up here, I’m raving away at you all with useless trivia aren’t I? Sorry…

This is a very weird way to write a post, I find. I am typing this on word and then pasting and copying it onto blogger, to save time on dial up. (I know some of you do it this way all the time, but I find myself most creative when I just open up the post window and type. Just me maybe?)

Seriously, how the heck did the internet every get started if dial up was the maximum speed possible? Jesus H. Christ people, it’s like going back to the world of DOS!

Myself, I always liked to create everything on a computer, or wherever I felt comfortable, really, whatever floats your boat. The one thing I do believe is necessary is having options, like knowing how to spell in case the spell checker software breaks, or only allows American spelling, and not Canadian spellings. (Yes, there is a difference.) Like it’s good to know things, just in case the technology temporarily fails, but really, in this day and age, why the hell shouldn’t I have access to whatever technology I need?

This cottage has electrical power access and phone lines, but not high speed DSL? Silly. The province could put WIFI signal receivers on top of every hydro pole along every rural road, and make it free for residents or travelers. It would increase access to medical care using video or pictures sent by email between patients and personnel, increase access to distance education, boost the local economy by letting people work from home etc, but hey why do something sensible? Instead they seem to being waiting for the private sector to take over. Not exactly a plan so far, IMO. To expensive for phone companies and cable, they only care about the big cities, dickheads.

I’ve often wondered why so few bloggers seem to be in rural areas. Well, between my inability to click through bloglines on dial up, (yes, nightmare, please let me know if someone has a crisis so I can visit their site), and my terror as I raced down a road trying to get my kid to a hospital, yep, I get it. I can’t even imagine living out here and dealing with infertility or trying to do a job that required me to be online with any frequency.

‘Scuse me, I have to go lock up the garbage against bears now. No I’m not kidding, BEARS people. We even have to call ahead before we go to the dump at the end of the week, so the guys with shotguns can meet us and protect us while we throw it out.

Always an adventure with me, eh?

Away for a week

I have been going completely insane all week, and I'm at a rented cottage now until Labour Day. It only has dial up! Gahhhhhhh.

So my plan is this. I am going to try to read blogs on bloglines here and there when dial up will let me, clicking through seems to crash me pretty darn fast, so no commenting unless I can find an internet cafe in the middle of Algonquin Park. I'll try to write posts offline then upload them if I can get access.

Yes, I know this concept is an abomination to people who love cottages and the outdoors, but this isn't a vacation for me, so I need something enjoyable, okay?

It IS a vacation for my kids and husband, which is why we are here, but if a trip involves the words, cooking, cleaning, mopping, laundry or making beds........it's a trip, a thing I have to do, but not exactly revel in. And yes, so far, this trip has involved those chores. (Yes, Mr.Cotta is helping out....) I've also sat in the hot tub and on the dock----for 15 minutes each time. Then it was time to work again. A vacation involves the words "all-inclusive" or "maid service" or drinks with umbrellas served by waiters. In my opinion anyway.

It is a beautiful cottage, all the mod cons, TV, dishwasher, stove, nice antiques, etc. I just wish it came with a housekeeper and a lifeguard, sigh.....

Take care, I am around, just not as assvicey as usual. Aren't you lucky! Snort ;)

Now, repeat after me--A cottage or a camping trip is NOT a vacation for a mother, EVER. If you have no living children yet, remember this, and go thank your own mother if she ever took you on a trip like this. If you have children, remember this, and think----RESORT!

Happy Birthday Kaz!

I've spent the entire day at Canada's Wonderland with the boys and a friend and my SIL who sweetly agreed to help me with the birthday party/day at an amusement park. (Truly a hell trip, but a sacrifice I'll make for him, no problem.)

I'm freakin' exhausted, so tired I can barely type.

So Kaz, how much do I love you? For 11 years I've loved every minute of your life, even when I wondered what the hell I was supposed to do with this tiny precious life in my irresponsible hands.

You are the baby we made all the mistakes with. I now understand why people have more than one kid. It's because the first one is the rough copy we polish over and over again, and the next ones are effortlessly whipped off in one draft. Well heck, hon, I wanted to do it right the first time, but I didn't have the talent or the skill to do it right at the time.

You were my teacher, the hardest taskmaster ever. Your colic? Not your fault, I didn't know the thousand and one tricks to comfort babies during the arsenic hour. By the time you taught me what babies needed, you were on to another stage, and the next baby got the benefit of the lesson.

Everyday that happened, for the next 11 years, and it still is. This is why previous generations had more than one kid, why they had 5 or 6 kids. They knew that no book, no blog, no course of study can teach us the nitty-gritty of how to raise a kid. They help a bit, but only hands-on experience does it well.

So please forgive me my screw-ups. I know I'll make more, but in the meantime, I'm still trying, and still loving every minute of it.

Duding up my living space

*Update below*

This is a fluffy little entry (before I talk about more serious things) just to say that the last week has been one of mad shopping for living room furniture and acquiring of things. I finally found a table to go underneath the new TV we bought. Espresso finish, glass top, modern, but not too spare for my house.








Unfortunately, every TV on the market these days is horribly ugly. They are ALL shiny black, and huge and....blechhh. Ugliest damn things I've ever seen. Samsung, Sony, whatever, all the companies are trying to build them for home theatre viewing, but reality is that most of us have living rooms, not home theatres. Even if people do have a home theatre, most people only have one room like that, and most of us want the TVs in the rest of the house to blend in a bit and not dominate the room. The piano black ones are very difficult to decorate around unless you live in a Las Vegas casino or the look you are trying to achieve is, "Used car salesman in shiny polyester suit!"















Basically, like I said before, we are renovating in the next year, a serious tear-the-house-down reno, so right now we can't buy the permanent furniture we want to have made up for the house. It may not go with our decorating then, or it may not fit in our tiny house right now, so there's no point in wasting money on really nice stuff.

But our current furniture is ugly and broken, so we tossed the old tube TV and the giant cabinet it lived in, and we are buying some things now with the anticipation of putting it in the family room or basement after the reno. Problem is that we just can't decide what to buy. Mr.Cotta wants to buy Man Cave furniture, (think Lazyboy in black leather, like on the left) and I want to buy comfortable but more modern stuff. Like with plushy backs and seats, but with a microfibre or fabric cover with stainguard and a medium color, maybe a nice chocolate shade or blue. No skirt, no frou-frou pattern, maybe an ottoman to put our feet up. And a coffee & end table to match the TV table. Everything has to be small, due to the current dimensions of our living room, (13 feet x 12 feet), and the fact that we have an antique piano already. It's beautiful, and the boys take lessons on it, but at 5 feet by 3 feet and almost 4 1/2 feet tall, it's a monster, so we can't fit everything we want in the one room.

I swear I've looked in high end stores, low end crummy ones, IKEA, and every variation you can think of. And I still can't decide! So there you are. Confusion reigns.

Any suggestions?

To answer a few queries, we don't own a coffee table, never have due to childproofing issues and then inertia. Our living room has always looked odd as a result. We can't have people over because there is no where to put a glass of wine down. So I want to buy one, even a cheap one.

The TV has been bought and installed already so that's a done deal. He has wanted a giant flat screen TV for years, and couldn't wait. Plus the sound on our ancient CRT TV was dying.

In terms of waiting for the reno completion, this is Toronto, the worst city on earth to attempt a reno in. Most people give up and abandon their properties and sell out to others who are willing to cheat and lie. I wasn't kidding, we'll have to have to go to court and do multiple hearings at the OMB after we get turned down by the city committee of adjustment. The entire process could take a year, and that's before we knock down one brick. Now, if Mr. Cotta and I wanted to lie like everyone else does and "pretend" we are doing a reno and leave one wall standing and the foundation, then build a fake house on top, rebuild the foundation underneath, and rework the old house, then slip the inspector some cash to look the other way and sign off, we could start work in a month.

But we don't think it's right to cheat and lie and bribe, so we're going to do it the honest, long, hard and expensive way. And I can't live with my currently shitty slipcovered sofas as is while fighting in court everyday. Too depressing. (Yes Tinker, I did slipcover them a few years back as a stopgap measure. Honestly, I never will again. Surefit slipcovers sure don't freakin' fit. I'll post a photo someday. You will laugh!)

So I'm still looking. Sigh...

A week or so late but still fun

Your Birthdate: August 12

You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame. You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them. Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing. You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship. Your strength: Your charm Your weakness: Your extreme manipulation tactics Your power color: Indigo Your power symbol: Four leaf clover Your power month: December

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Thanks for the idea Val!

The complications of being me

*Update added below*

I wish I was normal, but I am complicated, waaaayyyyy too complicated.

I am trying to get passports for myself and the kids. We've never needed them until now because we've only travelled to the U.S. and birth certificates were fine until the recent rule changes where everyone, even children need passports to travel by air, and soon by car. The kid's passports were the first slap in the face. Since Mr.Cotta and I didn't get married until Kaz was a year old, the government requires us to get a long-form birth certificate before we get his passport, and according to them if he needs one so does his brother. (I guess they think illegitimacy is communicable? *rolls eyes*)

Why the long form? Well the Ontario government under the Vital Statistics Act (this act governs all sorts of things like, birth and death registration, adoption, family structure, yadda yadda) plus the Children's Law Reform Act considers Kaz a legitimate child of our marriage since we got married after his birth, (if you marry the father of your child anytime afterward, they get grandfathered in as legit, so to speak.)

However, when they recently removed the concept of illegitimate and legitimate from provincial law they forgot to inform the feds, more specifically Passport Canada. Since 9/11 the federal legislation changed and if your parents didn't get married in Westminster fucking Abbey prior to first having sex the feds consider you a bastard, and require piles of paperwork to prove that the currently married mother taking her kids on a trip to Disney isn't some kidnapping woman of ill-repute. This applies to families who are still happily married, raising kids together even when they cross a border together, since in Passport Canada's eyes, all women not married prior to birthing their children are permanent harlots and all men who are travelling with them may or may not be the father of the kids until proven otherwise. If you are separated or divorced and there is a custody issue, I get that they need to doublecheck some extra paperwork, but when you're TOGETHER? Stupid....

Basically my own government is calling me a slut, and discriminating against my children on the basis of their family of origin. Nice. Guess they forgot about the Charter of Rights and Freedoms thing.

And for adoptees like me? I have to provide my long form certificate, which is mostly blacked out by court order if I'm even allowed to get it & I'm informed I may need to provide my adoption order, a document most adoptees don't have since most of our parents withheld them from us. (I found mine in the basement when I was 19. I still remember my adoptive mother hysterically trying to make me give it back. She told me it was their proof that they OWNED me. Yes, she used THAT word. To this day, I don't even like looking at that piece of paper. I wish I could burn it. Unfortunately, it's irreplaceable.) Before 9/11 it was no big deal to get a passport, you just showed your birth certificate and 2 people like a Doctor or a lawyer to swear that you were who you said you were.

The passport form itself is one nightmare, for example, Surname at Birth: errrrr? (It was changed a couple of times, which one do you want? moment of birth, foster care name, 6 weeks after birth/post court hearing?) or Mother's Maiden Name: (Which mother? I've given different names for differing reasons before to the govt., soooo?) Place of Birth: (I know the country and province, not the rest? Umm, is that ok?)

Just typing this post is making tears well up in my eyes. My hands are shaking; the adrenaline is hitting my brain; I just want to stick my fingers in my ears and sing LA LA LA I can't hear anything. I actually feel sick at the thought of walking into that building clutching my documents knowing they have access to all sorts of my personal records I'm not allowed to see, and if I fill in one box wrong, one thing incorrectly, even make a typo, I'm screwed and I have to go through it all over again. And yes, Canada Border Services does have access to all those adoption records that are supposedly legally sealed. Several years ago, before 9/11, I went on a plane trip to the U.S. and lost my birth certificate, which was all I needed back then to get back in the country. I wasn't worried at first because I knew my husband could just drive to the airport and show them a second copy of it I kept at home, and I had loads of other ID. But instead they sent me to another desk and made me stand there and answer question after question until they were satisfied I was me.

First off, my name, address, parent's names, date of birth, etc., and every time I answer, she read the screen to make sure my answer matched, but of course they DIDN'T until she clicked around to another screen. Every time she hesitated, I felt more and more stressed until the ones come I don't know how to answer at all, and I panic. Like, what hospital were you born in? & What time were you born? The woman with the computer knew everything, even though that information is supposed to be sealed. I kept thinking, what if my parents lied to me about some of this stuff? What if they made things up to fill in the blanks and I get thrown out of my own country for answering wrong?

She finally let me go, but I've never forgotten that sense of terror and personal outrage. She had every piece of information including the names of my birth parents, heck maybe even their current addresses, and all I would've had to do is grab the screen and yank it around and I would've seen everything I've always been denied access to. I'd already found their names on my adoption order and met my birth mother so I held off, probably a good idea, I'm sure they would've freaked out and charged me with attacking a border post, just because I wanted the right to see my own history.

On the other hand, if I had done it, I wouldn't feel sick to this day walking into a government office. Heck I might even feel like I'm a citizen equal to the rest of you.

Instead I feel like completely marginalized. Nice to see my government gives a shit about my rights, eh?

Updated to say: The database does exist, I know it sounds a bit paranoid, but this article describes one massive database that the privacy commissioner in Canada found and got rid of in 2000. It was run by Human Resources Canada, and contained 2,000 pieces of information on each of our 33 million citizens. It was ostensibly about Labour Force planning and completely secure with only 6 people having access but based on my experience at the border, I think that's bullshit. I think they have copies in other departments.

Banging my head against the wall

The next time I say anything like, "I'm just a housewife", someone please smack me. Hard.

Turns out I'm a hell of a lot smarter than the guy I met with, and most of you are in fact, smarter than the guy I met with. Either that he was experiencing some sort of depressive, distracted, anxiety episode.

He did not remember why his staff had called me until I prompted him and asked him about the paper he was holding. (A note I wrote to a friend and was passed to him 9 months ago during leadership. I recognized my handwriting upside down from the other side of the desk.) I guess he finally found it in his pocket after all this time.

He had no memory of meeting me, until halfway through when I had finally repeated everything I had said the first time. Then he remembered a few things.

He took copious notes, and tried very hard to figure out what I was saying, but I have to admit, I still can't believe that I had to explain the precise mechanics of IVF and be quite so explicit about why it was better than simply giving women drugs and hoping they didn't have sextuplets. Literally, you need to picture this,

Me: "It's because the one thing government can't control is a couple going home and having sex against Doctors orders when they have too many eggs from hyperstimulation."

Politician: "Huh?"

Me: "They have sex and they aren't supposed to!!"

P: "So what difference would free IVF make?"

Me: "Because if they have free IVF, they can retrieve all the eggs, make them into embryos with the sperm, and just transfer back one good embryo."

P: "Couldn't they still have sex and make sextuplets?"

Me: "No, the eggs are not in the woman then. They are in the lab. Sex won't matter anymore."

P: "Well, why can't we just order the Doctors not to transfer more than one or two embryos?"

Me: "Because each IVF with drugs costs anywhere from $7,000 to $15,000, and if the patient is paying, they will go to the U.S. if they can't get what they want here. We have to make it more attractive to stay here than go elsewhere."

P: "Well, why can't we just order the Doctors not to give drugs to these women?"

Me: "They need to sometimes just to get women to ovulate at all. They try not to mess it up. But sometimes it doesn't work the way we want it to."

P:"Well, why don't they just have sex. It seems to work. " Wry look at me, as he laughs a little.

Me: "Not if you are infertile." (Rigid plastic smile on my face.)

And yes, I still kept trying. Through all of this, he was extremely puzzled as to why he had never heard of all the differences in new research, new techniques, new treatments, and had no idea why the federal or provincial government wasn't doing more on this subject. In other words, if a fancy public health official or Doctor wasn't already on it, then obviously it must not exist. Except of course that they are are on it. Medical people try very hard, but seriously, they are the worst bunch of lobbyists and public communicators I've ever seen. They don't speak to each other, they are in a bunch of professional silos, they have no zero marketing and p.r. skills. And loads and loads of substance and brilliance and intelligence that no one will ever know about.

Unlike this guy, sigh....

Anyway, the one good thing to come out of this is that he has inspired me to get back up on my horse and try to lobby some more people. Hopefully people who have a clue what they are talking about it. Cause right now, I'm really disappointed it wasn't that productive.

I'm more disappointed though for underestimating myself. I can't keep doing that. I can help people, so why am I so willing to believe I can't? And how do blustering people like this guy get anywhere in public life while good people can't get their voices heard? I've spent years watching good and bad happen in politics, and I know the good guys outweigh the fools. I guess. Maybe they'll be more good politicians if women like us run someday, eh?

Questions?

My birthday was good, and the cake was delish! I had a lovely day with the kids and my hubby. Very calm and relaxing, although the kids did a lot of bickering. Mental note: make sure they never ever get sick again.

Yep, if wishes were horses...

Anyway, I have a weird thing happening today. I got a call from an politician's office asking me to come in and meet with them on the whole infertility, pregnancy loss & maternal-fetal health issue. I had met with this person before during leadership last fall, but I hadn't really gotten anywhere that time. Thing is, usually politicians get asked for meetings by people like me, not the other way around. They never call people to come in.

I am feeling slightly nerve-wracked about it all, in fact, I'm rather worried I'm going to get told to shut up and stop bitching about it cause no one wants to hear it anymore from someone who is just a housewife. I swear I'm back to that mental place where I'm alternating between a brave, fearless and brilliant advocate, and wanting to hide under my dining room table like a two year old.

Most likely, we'll have a nice chat, full of platitudes and such. Maybe there will be an announcement or something he wants me to know is coming out? Something boring most likely, but maybe a little good?

Eh, I'll update later and let you know what's up. Unless I'm under my table. Gulp.

39 and counting

So I woke up this morning expecting to feel old and decrepit---but I didn't !

I feel the same as ever. Heck, maybe even younger. Of course that might be because of the homedics neck massager I got this morning. It's vibrating away on my achy neck muscles as I type this. Hilarious! I never thought anything could feel so good as blogging while getting a massage at the same time. No carpal tunnel for me. I got a bunch more nice prezzies so I'm feeling very lucky today.

Meanwhile, I've been enjoying the many fun things in my city this weekend, including Taste of the Danforth in Greektown and the Chinatown festival on Spadina.

More about this later. We're off to my favourite spot, Edwards Gardens. Very romantic and beautiful. I have my camera. I might even get a decent picture of all us. There aren't many of them. Everyone moves too fast in this house.

More later!

I suck

It turns out that Mac had strep, and Kaz probably does too, and it's severely affecting their behaviour, so really they aren't feral, I am.

Fever? Mac had one, but I thought it was because of the 100 degree heat, and Kaz doesn't at all.

Sore throat? Mac had one, but I assumed it was viral, and therefore downplayed it and gave him a freezie and told him to go out and play.

Peeling hands and feet? Kaz had it, but I assumed it was really the awful foot fungus he picked up at camp.

I took them to the pediatrician and she missed it, but she's a Doctor, and automatically incompetent like all Doctors simply by virtue of having a medical degree. At least in my experience, that's how it works.

I begged her to swab both the kids and she only agreed to swab Mac because he had a sore throat and she still thought I was being silly and paranoid. He turned up positive today after the lab called and is now on antibiotics. She called us in and we swabbed Kaz today. Mr. Cotta has to go in and so do I now.

I feel sooooooo guilty. Parenting after infertility is so lousy. I question everything I do, everything I think, everything I feel. Is it too much, too little? Uncertainty dogs my every step.

Most of all, I'm feeling guilty because their behaviour is bad right now because of their illness, not because they are unredeemable boys. When they were babies, I could figure it out faster, I was watching more carefully because they couldn't talk. Now they are 7 and almost 11....I wait for them to tell me, and maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I'm doing this all wrong.

A walking ad for birth control

Who would that be? Why my kids and I for the last 48 hours - I swear every woman who passed us in the last 2 days gave us THAT look. You know, the one that says, "Holy shit, I'm NEVER having children if this is what it's like." Babylust was noticeable in its absence.

Yes, today my boys really really made me proud...sigh.

Poking, fighting, arguing, wrestling, farting, hitting, burping, making obscene gestures, wandering into traffic, calling each other names, roaring, biting, feet on chairs, refusing to listen to me, do even one thing they were asked to, and all that was in just one store. I had to take them to get new shoes, so I couldn't leave them behind.

Hell, who am I kidding, I can barely leave them alone with a babysitter. They once locked one in the basement. Luckily she got out. (I've since removed the slidelock and latch on that door.)

There are moments like this when I wonder what the hell I'm doing this all for.

Boys do grow up and become civilized eventually right? Someday?

I know, all of your children are perfect, and cute, and I should be grateful for my living ones. I guess I was just hoping for average, and instead I'm scared I've got feral children.

A bit of an apology

Mr.Cotta and I have been taking care of things around the house today, including going through his boxes of papers that have been lying around the house, crowding up my front hallway. We threw out many piles and reboxed some important ones to keep. All very good progress.

And then the difficult conversation, sigh. You may remember the story about my last stop at the storage locker? When I realized that the crib I had kept for all these years was missing? I had last seen it in my basement and my husband had told me that he wanted to get rid of it or take it to storage and get some more space for our other things. We argued, and I finally told him he was not allowed to get rid of it but he could store it if he had to or whatever, I was so bloody angry at him. Biiiig issue.

A year later when I finally saw the storage space, no crib. It was gone. I was so upset, I wanted to go out and buy another one. Just to spite him. Funny thing is, we believe in attachment parenting, and our babies always slept beside us in bed. They eventually spent a few months in the crib until they climbed out and moved to toddler beds, but really, the crib is the least used piece of baby equipment we owned. It was more the principle of it, that he had thrown it out or got rid of it and not said a word when I had told him he couldn't toss it!

Except, I was wrong. He says that he never took it out and never took it to the storage space, and would NEVER ever throw it out knowing how much it meant to me. He was so sincere, I have to believe he's either telling the truth or he has become a complete amnesiac on this one precise point, which would be bizarre.

So I have spent the day apologizing to him for assuming he would do that, and for not talking to him about it for the last month. I kept telling him that I didn't want to start an argument, which is true, but of course, the big question remains----

Where is the hell is the crib?

I didn't lend it out, it's not in the basement, not in the storage space, and not anywhere else in the house. We searched everywhere today.

It's gone.

Between this little event and my looming 39th birthday, I'm wondering if the universe is trying to send me a message.

(Yes this Sunday, 39. Usually I like my birthday, but this year....I'm thinking I need to make the clock go backwards. Maybe I'll be 32 instead? 28? Ughhh)

Well, maybe I spoke to soon

The kids are buried in TV, and my husband is back to work, so maybe I will have time for blogging? A little anyway, here and there.

Blogging in between scrubbing out every single drawer and cupboard and setting mousetraps; yes, apparently there WAS a small advantage to having cats. Some little creatures have apparently moved in, and need to be evicted now, buggers. Next jobs include getting in various repair people to help fix the nightmare that is my electrical, plaster work and plumbing. The woman who was supposed to come, hasn't, and in fact left for her vacation with just an email telling me that maybe she could stop by and fix a few things before. Plus she had lost my phone number. Annoying to say the least.

Anyway, in case you are wondering what has prompted this recent round of renovating, reorganizing and cleaning, basically I'm trying to fill in some time and keep myself occupied while I figure out what's going on with my wonky thyroid & reproductive system and contemplate going back to school. We can finally afford the tuition and I'd love to give it another go, even if I only do a couple of courses.

Plus, we can finally afford to do the major renovation we'd always wanted. (Or at least get the renovation loan & mortgage for it!) That will take a while to plan and get going though, (maybe a year before we break ground) and will probably include a stop at the Committee of Adjustment, and possibly the Ontario Municipal Board. Ever try to renovate in Ontario? And do a really good job? Impossible in this city anyway. Even Extreme Makeover: Home Edition couldn't get it through all the political hoops required. Unless I want to put up an overpriced faux French chateaux stucco McMansion, or an imitation Victorian made out of chipboard and PVC siding. THEN they'd let me. (Apologies if you have one of those, and you like it and it fits in your neighborhood, great, go for it. I just think other things are possible. Better made, better designed houses, maybe even ones that don't break and leak and fall apart 20 minutes after you close the deal.)

So why fix anything now? Because things are breaking down and life will be easier if my house is functional in the meantime.

Oh oh and good news, I heard from that osteoporosis nurse about my numbers from last month. My FSH was down to 7, no E2 so I can't compare, but my Vit.D was 66 and my calcium was 2.18, so not so bad after all. They like it higher in someone with my Z-score and profile, but overall, not a crisis, just a reason to get a little more Vitamin D and Calcium. And no, a normal reading for my FSH doesn't mean that I don't have POF. Last winter it was 22, and it goes up and down like a see saw regularly. Last summer it was pretty low, but that didn't mean much. Anyway, the DHEA seems to be helping a bit, so we'll see what we shall see, eh?

Off to scrub my cupboards now. Anyone know where I can rent a cat for an afternoon?

Slapping my forehead, really hard

I had a lovely day yesterday with my husband, just the two of us, all alone, and thought I might have another lovely one today, but I really felt odd. Very very tired.

I've been exhausted recently, but not everyday. And some nights I have terrible insomnia, then feel great the next day. I started to wonder if I was going crazy, maybe depressed? Maybe sick? More thyroid problems? I wondered if it could be the DHEA?

I'd been taking extra Vitamin D, could that be it? Doesn't usually make people tired, does it? Nahhhh, but just in case I checked my pill bottles and warning labels, and then the container I carry my medication around in my purse.

Do you know WHY I should always put my contacts in before taking my pills?

Cause if I take them without my contacts, I might mix up the melatonin and the Vitamin D pills. (They look exactly the same.) And maybe take 2 melatonin in the morning and fuck up my entire sleep-wake cycle.

Yes, really.....I am this blind.

Laser eye surgery, anyone?