In case any of you need this....

Thought I'd just share an idea a friend passed on to me...Kaz is going to do this for Halloween night, although he is still trying to figure out if it's cool to wear at costume at 12! (I think it is, but to him?) Mac is going out as Mario from Nintendo, and Julius is going to be a pumpkin. (All babies are pumpkins I think....)

Anyway, if you are looking for a cheap, easy to do, last minute adult or child costume, that is unique, get a pair of dark pants, a dark long sleeved shirt, a bunch of safety pins, a pile of socks, mismatched, and left overs are great. Pin the socks all over the shirt and pants, trying to make sure they are not in pairs, but are random.

And voila!

You are "The place in the dryer where lost socks go!"

Feel free to copy, he's likely going to be too cool to do it...eyeroll...

Okayyyyy

I have no idea what to do about the kids assessment results, so I have to ask all my expert buddies out on the net.

We expected them both to be ADHD, (insert guilt) and we expected them both to be smart. (Burst with pride), and we knew that Kaz was gifted in math, but not overall, and it was like, no big whoop. You know, like, hey great in one class he gets all A s?

Kind of a counterbalance to his poor marks in writing right?

But Mac and Kaz are both overall gifted, and if we start Mac on ADD meds his tests will go much much higher.

And he will be like Kaz, who it turns out is severely gifted, profoundly so. The psychologist said that kids like this are very rare, and he has only seen these kinds of test scores a few times in his forty years. It's like he could either graduate from Harvard at 14 or become the Unabomber. It all depends on how we as his parents go forward.

I wasn't expecting this, that's for sure.

I'm kind of scared. I'm really shocked.

Any ideas?

I've got lots of stressful things going on, so I may as well list them, best therapy ever I think. (And thank you for the comments on my previous post btw. Thank you thank you thank you.)

Tomorrow we find out what the test results are on the boys, and how we have to deal with them. I'm dreading it because I know I'll just feel guilty in the end. My fault, etc. More on that after tomorrow's appt.

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Good news: Kaz's first preliminary report card came out and it's great, all A's.

Bad news: that's because the new school with the provincial curriculum is so stupidly easy, he doesn't have to make any effort at all. Not exactly good for his character IMO. I wanted it to be easier when he hit university, not now....

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My husband's brother P is in worse and worse shape over in Europe. He seems to have burned through all of his money, isn't taking any of his meds, (or if he is, they are the wrong ones!), and he is very very ill, and may be homeless soon. He is only allowed to see his children under supervision, because of his previous actions, and has no friends there. He won't admit to having any problems, and insists that everyone else is the cause of all of his difficulties. Could his marriage and divorce have been handled better? Sure...and the industry he was in has had major financial problems, but neither of those things made him ignore his mental illness or become an alcoholic. I just wish that my husband did not have to bear the brunt of his abuse and anger.

The hardest thing on earth to do is watch someone you love die inch by inch.

Is it bad that I just wish this was over one way or another? That he would either get better and be perfectly fine, or not, with all that implies?

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Julius is waking up several times a night due to the cold wind whipping through our windows. But since we are still six months away from any renovations what with permits and drawings, etc. I can't justify spending the money to fix them. Really, I might be ripping it out right away, right?

So we have plastic over the windows....not exactly the classy image I was hoping for, sigh....

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I did have some good news, my not very formal effort to diet is paying off and I've lost a few inches on my waist. My jeans are loose and have to be held up with a belt! That good news was quashed by an irritating encounter on Saturday when TWO different people casually gestured towards my stomach and asked pregnancy related questions.

As if I was STILL pregnant.

And the baby is FIVE MONTHS OLD.

Honestly, that really crushed me, because it's not like I'm the only mom in the world who has extra weight, but sometimes I think that I am the only woman who has so much on her stomach. But should that matter? Isn't it incredibly rude for anyone to do that?

And why do I let jerks suck all the joy out of my life?

I think that's the real question.

Ups and downs

I just realized that I haven't posted in a while, so I thought I would let you all know what's going on.

Basically, for months now I have been rather disorganized and behind the eight ball. Pretty confused as well. Just before I had the baby I went off my ADHD/ADD medications since I was getting tired and wanted to nap more, plus I wasn't driving as much, and really I didn't think it was helping my blood pressure.

And then after I had the baby, I was very very sick and weak for a long time. I needed to be able to sleep whenever I could and just take care of me and him and let everything else go. (I wasn't very good at that. I kept trying to do things, I'd get frustrated and realize that you were all right to tell me that I should just lie down and chill.) Eventually I did give up stressing over it, which had the unfortunate side effect of things piling up.

I gave up on physio because I could never remember to go there or do the exercises. I gave up on pretty much anything that required me to be ontime and alert. Which means that between missed birthday parties and lost opportunities, life has kind of sucked for the family at large. Nannies can only do so much, reality is that they aren't going to take charge and replace parents completely. (And I wouldn't want her to, but damn if I could teach mine to do my filing and enter all my contacts and appointments into Outlook that would be sweet!)

So here I was stumbling along, and a few days after the election I finally hit the wall.

Or more accurately, I fell back from the wall where I had been adjusting curtains, and stepped on to Julius.

Who screamed loudly, and pitifully all the way to the ER while my husband drove all of us to the hospital. I was hysterical the entire time, convinced that I was a piece of shite mother, and they were going to call CAS, and maybe they should, and boy did I ever beat myself up.

Meantime, guess which baby smiled and laughed for the doctors and nurses the second we arrived? Yep, he was fine, and I was an anxiety ridden mess. They examined him all over, pronounced him perfectly okay, and sent us home, telling me that not to worry. Ha. Commence weeping and guilt immediately in mommyland.

I realized I needed my ADD/ADHD medication again, because I hadn't even been high up. I fell back when I was only 18 inches off the ground for pete's sake! I've always been clumsier off the meds, but this is ridiculous. (My spatial awareness is pathetic, I walk into walls, trip, bash myself, it's not good. ) So I called Motherisk and made another appointment. They took me the next day, and I met with the same Doc I saw before. He was lovely and kind, and very informative. Turns out that they had some data and some studies after he had met with me, and Ritalin and Concerta or methylphenidate, only end up in breast milk in microscopic levels. It's there, but barely measurable. Apparently the breast filters it out quite well, almost completely. Adderall and Dexedrine and various amphetamines do get into breast milk but in very very small amounts, just under 10% in the breastmilk of whatever the amount in my blood level would be. S

So literally less than if I had some wine with dinner or took narcotics for pain relief after the c-section.

In the end, the risk of me screwing up life by not paying bills and accidentally hurting the kids or getting into a car accident if I'm off my medication has outweighed any tiny risk of drugs in my milk. You may wonder, why not formula? Well, both my older kids have issues, Kaz is gifted ADD/LD, and Mac likely will get a diagnoses soon. Would they be even worse if I hadn't breastfed them? I don't know, but I do know that there is lots of evidence that breast milk helps with brain development and considering the pattern the older siblings already have....hell, I'd rather keep breastfeeding, just in case it does help mitigate the risk.

So I'm back on Adderall on most days, and if I get too tired or sick then I'll skip it and get some rest, but for now, this is just the best thing for me and Julius I think. Good news, I have been filling calendars out and writing notes and paying bills and sorting receipts, in between children errands and baby and music classes.

Hopefully, I'll laugh about stepping on him one day, but I have to tell you, I'm really not there yet. Sigh...have any of you ever done anything like this? Dropped your kid, etc.? Please share, even anonymously. I need to feel like other mothers do this, not just me.

October 15th

Before I go to sleep I just wanted to say that yes I have been thinking of my own lost babies and all of yours today. For more information go see www.october15th.com or check out Antigone's blog for more about Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness Day.

Go Obama Go! I finally have politician who cares about stillbirth so maybe we can all get him elected and working for women's health.

Things you can change, and things you can't

I'm really really unhappy about how the election turned out as you can well imagine. Frankly, I think there are so many things that irritated me about this election that I can scarcely count them all. (If you want to see some interesting stuff about it, go see Rick Mercer, specifically, my fave rant of his, September 30, Season 6, RMR Rant. I can't do an imbed like on Youtube, but if you go there and check it out, especially the final bit on that video, you'll know why I love Mercer.)

That said, I'm pretty frickin tired, and after sitting on this post for an entire day and trying to write something, I have only this....

In two years I can and will help to defeat Stephen Harper. Governments come and go like clockwork and we'll get rid of him sooner or later.

But yesterday I saw some pictures of myself at my current weight, and I was disgusted with myself. I have gained weight since having the baby. And never ever in my entire life have I ever weighed this much. Never. And if I don't lose the weight soon, then I'll be keeping it on for life.

I can stand Harper for 18-24 months, but there is no fucking way on the planet that I will live my life at this weight. I hate how I look, how I feel, and how the world sees me now.

I hate this enough to change it, so I will.

Is this thing on? tap tap tap

I'm busy with election day, so I can't blog long, just wanted to tell all of my Canadian friends to go vote, and yes, you guessed it, I want you to vote Liberal, haha. Big surprise!

I'd say it anyway, but honestly, after Stephen Harper told everyone that his penis-and-vagina made family was ordinary, and that Dion's adoption made family wasn't, I fucking hate that crud headed man so much----%^&*%^@#$ that I have become inarticulate.

You aren't superior to us Stephen. And adoptees like me aren't inferior. So stick your ordinary family shtick up your ass, and ohhh I don't know, maybe discuss an actual policy issue? I keep muttering about this under my breath......must stop obsessing......

Anyway, I'm busy making food and handing out poll kits and throwing wet wadded up toilet paper at the Tory voters.

(kidding)

(sort of)

Very important thing for all of you who are parents, please, take your kids to vote and talk to them about why you should vote. They don't understand that truth in advertising laws do not apply to political ads, and they don't know what all this means. And except for a brief civics discussion at some point in school, no one teaches them about this stuff.

So take your kids to vote, even the babies. I always take my kids! If I get a picture of Julius with his first ballot, I'll post it.

*btw, is anyone having problems with bloglines, or with getting feeds? I am having serious problems with getting several different blogs, some typepad, some blogger, and I don't know if it's just me, or everyone else. Plus, something is odd with my blog, I'm suddenly out of nowhere, getting almost no hits, but it might be that statcounter is not recording them? Damn, help*

So frustrating

I have been madly working on the election and trying to take care of the baby, etc... while also trying to book a vacation for us for Christmas and get passports and deal with house renovations.

And people----if I meet one more $%^&* politician who does not understand the difference between a credit crisis and a recession, and why a credit crisis is worse, I'll be sick. I expect these people to know something if they are running for office. I just went to a fundraiser and honestly, everyone in the room was pissing me off. The lead politician, who we raised money for, kind of got it. He seemed to know that time was of the essence, but he didn't seem to want to do anything about it. Like he wasn't a fan of helping the banks. Which I sort of get, but kind of think is shortsighted.

I may not like doing infertility treatment, but if I don't suffer through it, I won't get to have a baby. Short term pain, long term gain toots. Do what you have to do you know?

And this one woman I spoke to today who just did NOT get it all, made me sad. Mostly because she was so unimpressive. I want to vote for a female politician who gets it, but I don't want to vote for a woman who doesn't know what the hell she is talking about, simply because she is a woman.

Sigh.....when friggin' Iceland has gone completely bankrupt maybe it's not about partisan politics anymore. Maybe we need to all work together?

For my readers, who may not understand the credit crisis either (don't get me wrong, I would not expect any of you to, I only expect professional politicians asking for my vote to get it):

In a recession, only some people are hurt. In a credit crisis everyone is hurt.

In a recession, the rich and the secure part of the middle class will be fine and if they keep spending and investing normally, then we will all be fine, because over time, they will normalize the rest of the economy, and keep most of the working class--working. Their taxes will support the poor with welfare and EI while they dig out. The guy at the grocery store will keep his job selling food, and the woman who ships the food from the wholesaler will keep her job, and the farmer will keep his job because everyone needs to eat, and he gets to sell his stuff to the wholesaler. It's bumpy along the way and not everyone gets the price they want, and some people are in debt over their heads or unemployed and they go bankrupt---but generally it works through the bumps.

In a credit crisis, the farmer wants to sell but will not sell his food to the wholesaler because he can't be sure that the wholesaler's cheque will pass. He has no faith in the bank the cheque is written from. If the wholesaler can give him cash, he might sell the food. The wholesaler might be able to pay with some cash, but he doesn't get paid until the retailer gives him money, so not much is on hand.

And so it goes down the road....each person in the chain refusing to take credit and only willing to take cash, and only cash from some countries, and not others. So the retailer cannot put food on the shelves.

In the end, the rich people, and the secure section of the middle class, goes to the grocery store, and looks on the shelves, and sees---nothing to buy. No matter how much money they have in their wallet, there is no food to buy, at any price.

I hope you guys know how to grow your own food, because I sure as hell don't know how this ends.

That is why every bank and every blue chip company needs to be backed up temporarily by the government until we all start to trust each other again. Personally, I think that all the bankers should be sent to therapy for the next few months. I know a few who are currently sitting in a corner curled in the fetal position, gibbering like idiots. Sad....they used to be so professional looking and all....

Anyway, on to other subjects. I am currently working on passports for us all. I actually had to get baby Julius a passport photo of all things! Little bugger kept smiling at the photographer. He refused to "keep a neutral expression on his face." We finally got one, but I don't know if it's good enough. I guess Passport Canada will just have to suck it up, eh? The solution to my passport woes has been pretty simple. I am now working on the assumption that I will never ever be elected to public office due to my long history of teh imperfection. So who cares if I and every other adoptee in Canada is required to lie on their federal documents in writing? Technically I'm committing an indictable offense, because every time I write down my adoptive name as my "name at birth" I'm lying on federal documents. (unlike in Ontario, where they specifically write in a rule that allows for adoptive names)

But since only perfect white men are allowed to run in winnable ridings and certainly not a former crazy woman like me, who cares? Fuck it, I want to go lie in the sun, and at some point I'll just have to hire a lawyer to mount a defense.

In the meantime, the bigger problem is how to deal with the kid's passports. I finally got the baby's long form birth certificate, required due to the repugnant bastard rule. (Since Mr.C. and I were not married when Kaz was born, all our children must carry proof of who their parents are whenever crossing borders.) The simple way to fix this issue btw, is to require that all children have the names of their legal custodial parents entered into their passports, so that no child is ever labelled a bastard by their own government. Yes, you could just strike down the law since it does violate the Charter, but to protect the tiny number of kids who are in a family kidnapping situation, it makes more sense to just treat everyone the same. Precisely the same. So that no one can ever tell who is born inside of marriage and who is born outside of marriage.

Everyone I speak to thinks this is horrendous, but for now, I am stuck. I figure I'll file a lawsuit after the kids get their passports.

So toots, I am going to try to enjoy my weekend, and see if I can get my husband to look at some vacation brochures and architectural pictures. Thanksgiving is upon us, and Sunday we're having 15 people over again. (Thank God for Whole Foods catering and the ability to hire people to help tidy up.) Monday is tidy up day here at the house and a day off from school for the kids, and then Tuesday is Election Day. We're hosting a home centre for our local Liberal candidate, hopefully he wins, but who knows? We thought the Liberals were sunk, but Dion seems to have pulled it out of the hat and his numbers are climbing.

More later....I have to go fill out the last of the forms.

*Last second update before posting: I just got a call for an appointment at the helmet clinic at Sick Kids for Boo-boo, and now I'm the one in the corner curled in a fetal position gibbering like a baboon....more later.

Baby pixels

Such a struggle for Julius....poor thing. Tummy time is very very hard. Feel sad. Weep for him. gnash your teeth. rent your clothes.

For more cute political babies, see here. Courtesy Miss Cellania. All you Obama lovers will squee. I spontaneously ovulated as I clicked.

Heh

Thank you to Aunt Jenny for the quilt! It does help him to rollover, because he has something to grab on to and get some traction. And it's nice and warm when I feed him at night!

I swear to god he does smile and laugh. When he isn't being forced to get rid of his flathead.

Really.

P.S. I cannot figure out how to move the pictures around the post, how do I do it, all of mine seem to be on the left of the blog, and on top? Why am I the most dipshitted person on earth when it comes to digital photos?

Why?

Why do weirdos in the supermarket always follow me around?

He's a cute weirdo this time, with a beard and kind of a tousled look.

This is the trouble with being postpartum, and the baby is at home, see, now I have big breasts, and my ring is still too tight for my wedding ring to go back on, and now---I guess they think I'm single?

Not!

Heh, so why don't the nice guys follow me? Why do I still attract the nutjobs?

I'm going to have to take my husband with me to Loblaws soon I guess.....

sick babies

It's been a long week/weekend here with a sick baby. The spit ups are awful so I guess we're back to get prilosec or losec or whatever. plus he's arching his back and crying and generally acting out of character. typing one handed to post this sorry.

thing is, now he has a fever, not high or severe, but still bad. I am so freaking wiped right now.....

finally did some things on my to-do list.....should've slept instead.

i'm very upset that no one seems to get that we have a severe credit crisis here in canada as well. our banks are okay, but if no one can borrow or lend money, things will not look good soon.

more later, nanny will be here in 10 hours, i'll be able to sleep then. have to walk the baby now so he doesn't scream again.....