Not sure what the hell?

Did you ever have someone get furiously angry at you, out of nowhere, with absolutely no explanation?

And no matter what you said, or how many external other factors are involved, they just blame you and yell and freak out?

Yeah, my Friday in a nutshell.

I thought we were having a good week in this house what with the vacation being booked and all, but between my husband and each one of my kids getting upset this week----and my head injury---I'm hoping March will be better than friggin' February!

My mood has to get better. And everyone else's. Sun and fun and vacation will help.

Right?

You are good for me, now unsubscribe

*Update below*

You give me perspective.

I remember to feel grateful for what I have, and not just what I lack.

When people starting moaning about how poor they are because their portfolio dropped 37%; and really they aren't poor because they actually HAVE a fucking portfolio and they are moaning from a position of privilege, you write and remind me of Darfur or just the average kind of desperation that we real people struggle with.

And I shut my mouth.

I was at a fundraising meeting tonight and I was actually gone from my baby for an entire 3 hours. And when my husband emailed me on the berry trying to trasmit intense guilt about the lack of nannies and frozen breastmilk I totally rolled my eyes, because I actually was not worried. 25 tonnes of gourmet homemade baby food and twelve boxes of cereal means that life is not so bad peeps. The babe will make it.

(Google thinks that the correct spelling for breastmilk is buttermilk; am peeing with laughter *nevermind* *stupid aside* Sadly they also think that the correct spelling of Darfur is "deafer". Good God who is running Google? YOU ASSMORONS AT GOOGLE DON'T KNOW HOW TO SPELL DARFUR, no wonder everyone there is dying...)

Seriously, there is a point where you wonder if anyone in the real world; the meat world; can handle the real you. The terrible raw honest dead baby crazy lady you. And you try. You trust a few precious people with the real awful you. But they can't handle it. They pretend. They try. They find your blog by accident and they try to be so kind and not tell you that they know all about the real person you are, but it slips and the world is shifted and you just really honest to freaking god wish they would click away and never come back. So you could be you.

In case any of you care, I have a concussion, but not a fractured skull, only because no one has looked with their magic X-RAY machine, or the magic CAT SCAN machine. I also have ADD/ADHD AKA the magic disease that does not exist in the media world, but I'm only saying that so you will quickly unsubscribe from the the crazy lady. The concussion did not cause the ADD, it was already there. Suck it.

Anyway, we finally booked a vacation, but my husband hates me so it may suck a lot. Okay, he really doesn't hate me, but he is kind of peeved with me tonight. Enough? We are going to the Mayan Riviera for March Break, and we are going to an okay fancy-shmancy resort, but not the most perfect one on earth, because it is what it is, and we are going to be happy with what we have and that's good and we got a good price and we need some perspective. My hubs is okay with it finally!!!! Meanwhile, my BFF is driving me insane trying to get us to cancel and go other places, because she is like my sister and worries about us and wants us to have the perfect place. By the way, if you ever have more than two kids and want a vacation online, I know several places that will book five people in a room now. It should be more but really, people who work in the resort industry and have no business to speak of should be more flexible, like sayyyy-be willing to book adjoining rooms, or stick a baby in a room.

BTW, Jackie, who commented on my last post, and is quite welcome to promote herself on my blog, is THE GREATEST MOST TOLERANT TRAVEL AGENT ON EARTH. Feel free to hire her. Anytime.

She will put up with your crazie, anytime. Or at least my level of crazie. Maybe not yours, heh. Cause you just might suck more than me. Hard to believe, but true.

Just sayin'

Ok, only kidding, you really are good for me, likely in fact the best therapy evah. Ten times better than the dickheaded shrinks who drive me crazy.

*Just realized that this title is confusing. Regular blog readers please stay because you are good for me, people who know me from real life either political or personal and are secretly reading me, please unsubscribe.*

The real big winner

Lord, I am such a star it's a wonder the world doesn't just imitate everything I do.

Sigh....

Before I explain why, an update, Julius is feeling much better. We switched antibiotics last Friday and his fever is now completely gone and his ear seems better. He's off his schedule, but it's fixable. So that is the good news.

On to my tales of woe, last Friday, I got my Form 6 in for a delegate spot for the Liberal Party Leadership at the very last second on earth, and discovered later that my husband had gotten confused and thought that I was going alone, but since it's April 30th-May 3rd, Julius will only be 11 months and still breastfeeding and there is no way I'm going without him. Except for the fact that my nanny can't come since she is going to be elsewhere, and the Liberals generally don't provide childcare at conventions. And now I am either stuck trying to find a nanny out in Vancouver who can watch him in the hotel room while I go out to parties and he is sound asleep, or at least someone to help me during the day so I get to eat and shower and pay attention to the speakers.

And of course, my husband has to agree to let me take the baby all that way. He is hesitant because when I've taken one of the kids to a convention before, it was really crappy and I did not enjoy myself at all. And the baby at the time, Kaz, had his schedule all screwed up by the end. Not fun for him either. Mr.C. could take care of him, and I'd just leave frozen milk, but I'm not sure that will be so great.

Thing is, I went to a conference when Mac was 11 months old and left him behind, and hauled a breastpump with me all over god's green acre, and missed him terribly and that wasn't much fun either. I missed loads of stuff because I was pumping in my room all the time, and because I couldn't freeze it and it was too many days, in the end I had to dump the milk I pumped, which killed me. I don't mind breastfeeding in public, and dammit, nobody better even try to stop me, but I am not going to use a breast pump in the middle of the convention floor. That would just not work.

I'd been mentally preparing myself to be away from Julius for BlogHer in July and thought that would work since he would be a little older, and breastfeeding a lot less, if at all, but this feels just too soon, you know?

Stupid Liberal Party.....gahhhh, and they wonder why so few women and men of parenting age show up at these things. They have loads of singles, and young people and old ones, but almost no women between the ages of 25-45 ever show up at these things. If they do, they are mostly staff. (Based on my observations anyway.) Honestly, I am going to have to fight to get to bring my breastfeeding baby into the individual meetings.....some idiot will likely make me pay an observer fee for him! Which means I either miss some debates because I am somewhere pumping, or I miss the debates because I am feeding him outside the door, straining to hear. The NDP has fabulous free childcare, pretty much round the clock, and it let's all babies and small children into conventions whereever parents go. They have had it for over twenty years with huge success, but that would be waayyy to progressive for the Liberals, practically socialist, so that's a no go.

Oy.

A smarter person would have checked this out sooner and made better plans....fuck I am stupid.

Plus we put off taking a vacation for so long that my husband is not thrilled by the selection and price, even though we have one of my blog readers who is a travel agent, Jackie, working her tail off for us, trying to find us a deal. She is doing a fabulous job, but even she can't make a five star all inclusive resort in the high season suddenly drop it's price to nothing. He is slowing accepting this, sort of like he is slowly accepting the fact that when your roof falls in, you might have to renovate. You know?

More Oy.

Again, a smarter person would have checked it out and done a better job, maybe gone in February. I am stupid.

And bound to get stupider. Last night after the Oscars, I was sprawled on our bed, half asleep. My hubs comes in the room and I awake with a start---and smack my head right on the glass corner of the night table. I howled in pain, grabbed my head and saw blood. My husband ran for a cold cloth and ice, but I suddenly realized there wasn't just a little blood, but a giant gusher and ran to the washroom. After we cleaned up what must have been pints and pints of blood, we figured it was only a tiny cut, (the head is a veiny place, yes?). Bigger problem, I think I have a concussion, and with my crummy osteoporotic bones, likely a hairline fracture. Definitely a headache and dizzy anyway.

So there you are folks, don't you want to be just like me? Yeah, I thought not.

Oy

My opening line needs work

Or so I'm told by the last person I told this too. Basically you all need to brace yourselves, especially any of the former or current NICU moms.

Julius has RSV, respiratory synctial virus.

And so did I.

I'm all better and now immune, but he is still sickish, not quite there. For those who wondered, RSV's like the worst most exquisitely painful respiratory illness I've ever had. (The antibiotics I had cleared up my ear infection though!)

I know it's bad, and fragile babies can die from it, but that's really the sum total of my current knowledge. Bizarrely, I haven't googled it, because right now, I just keep thinking that he must be getting better! And the pneumonia it caused is cleared up! And the fluidy crackle in his lungs is gone! And it's not bacterial meningitis!

Which would have been deadly. Sort of like when he was born not breathing and blue and yet came back to life anyway. And then when he was breathing funny and got out of the NICU in only one day. Sort of like when he was never supposed to be here at all if I believed all those REs who refused to treat me because I had ovarian failure, yet somehow here he is.

So my perspective is slightly weird right now. He was fine before, and he'll be fine again. He has to be. I just keep checking that he is still fine every 20 seconds or so. Just in case.

So the RSV thing? Tell me it ends soon and even though he is still sometimes feverish and his ears and throat hurt, that he'll be ok?

OK?

Please?

Booo-yah!!

An actual email exchange back and forth. What you don't see on the post is a picture of my crapped out pale disastrous weak face that I attached, along with a close up of my infected throat. Pus and all.

From: Aurelia's real email address
Date: Sat, 14 Feb 2009 19:02:31 -0500
To: Lovely Doctor J.'s email
Subject: Need some help

"Julius" is home now, but we just came back after a day and half at Kids Hospital. He got some sort of secondary infection after his recent cold, the same one I had when I saw you. Based on his soaring temp and his lethargy and pain, they thought it might be meningitis, so he had to get a lumbar puncture and a whole gamut of tests. Turned out he has only has pneumonia and an ear infection, thank God, but we are still waiting to find out the culture results for sure. So he is on antibiotics, ceflex I think..

Trouble is, now I have the exact same thing he had. My ears are on fire, my chest hurts, my neck is stiff, my throat is awful, my nose and sinuses are stuffed and every part of my body hurts and I have chills. I am double dosing tylenol and advil. I am afraid to go to a walk in clinic or ER because I’ll be there forever cause they are all packed and likely give this to someone else. Plus I have to be here to take care of Julius. Nannies and husbands can’t breastfeed!

Can you call in something for me? I wouldn’t ask but this stupid family day holiday means no one is around until Tuesday. My pharmacy is 416-123-4567. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t desperate, but I’ll understand if you say no. I just don’t know what else to do.

"Aurelia"


From: Lovely Doctor J.'s email
Date: Sun, 15 Feb 2009 01:52:36 +0000
To: Aurelia's real email address
Subject: Re: Need some help

You make a good case, no problem. No allergies?

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network


From: Aurelia's real email address
Date: Sun, 15 Feb 2009 02:11:43 +0000
To: Lovely Doctor J.'s email
Subject: Re: Need some help

None, thanks!I really appreciate this.


From: Lovely Doctor J.'s email
Date: Sun, 15 Feb 2009 02:19:41 +0000
To: Aurelia's real email address
Subject: Re: Need some help

Done. Hope it helps.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network


ZOMG, This woman is such a good doctor and knows me so well and understands her patients and saved my butt and really honest to God gets it, that I just love her.

Even though I'm not one, if she wanted to be a lesbian for one day, I would make her so happy. Like, out of gratitude.

Home again

Dudes, we are home and breathing, but now I feel like I've been run over by disease.

Oy

The right side

Julius has pneumonia in his right lung, along with a very very bad ear infection in the right ear. We have been admitted to the good hospital but are likely hunkered down in the ER for the night because every runny-nosed kid in TO is clogging up the beds. (Seriously, walk in clinic people--it's a goddam runny nose!)

My pediatrician thought I was crazy runny nose lady the other day when I showed up with Julius saying that he was sicker than last week and that I suspected an ear infection or bronchitis or something in his lungs.

She laughed me off even though he had been up screaming the entire night with a fever of 101 after tylenol and advil and had rales in his chest you could feel and said that I could come back everyday if I was so determined to get him diagnosed.

Who me?

Determined?

Naaaw, not lil ol me....

Anyway, I did come back today, and after seeing just how freakin ill Julius was, she not only finally saw his ear infection, she was worried enough to drop the M-Bomb.

Meningitis!

So we have now had a lumbar puncture, an IV, a blood draw, a urinary catheter for a pee sample, a chest x-ray and a bunch of monitoring equipment attached to him. He's like a bionic pin cushion.

Urine dip is clear, white cells are up, and spinal fluid is clear though the blood and pee and CSF will have to be cultured to know for sure. His chest Xray showed some shadows, and he had crackles in his chest. So for now, he is on IV ceflex and we'll go from there.

I seriously don't believe that they give babies and kids so little painkiller in this joint. I'd score heroin easier than some baby tempra. WTF? Don't children deserve some pain relief? Not cool.

More later, so tired I can't even move.....

one more thing

sick baby now has bronchitis
annual fundraiser a big 'ol mess
friends not available right when I need them
birth relatives violating emotional boundaries
in-laws turning into unrecognizable schadenfreude experts
husband and I having huge fight about unattractive schadenfreuders
roof has an ugly tarp and ceiling still falling in
architect unable to remember previous instructions, keeps sending weird drawings
hormones now undetectable (LH & FSH) so I may have another disease to battle
unable to schedule diagnostic sonohysterogram due to 12 weeks worth of unrelenting bloodloss
kaz's school made several commitments to us on friday after I raised hell - and still nothing
behind on billpaying, even though I have the money, because the paperwork is so screwed up
no groceries in house, no supplies cause I barely have time to move, never mind shop
skin cancer spot on nose, or else I am growing an ugly spot
new car is still not working right
bloglines messed up, can't pick up feeds
feedburner messed up, can't figure out feeds
blogger messed up, keeps barring comments
ISP messed up, unable to get me on the net
gmail/blackberry both messed up, unable to send/receive messages
and last but not least
husband's long-standing, inactive auto-immune disease is active again - the one I can't discuss here, that scares the fuck outa me

enough people just enough

sleep eludes

Baby Julius now has our collective cold...he can barely breathe what with all the snot. Thank God he is 24 pounds and allowed to take Advil cold and Tylenol Cold. (You know, the stuff they said didn't work? hahahahahahhaha, maybe they should speak to the entire pediatric ENT team at Sick Kids, all of whom heartily endorse it.)

Seriously, I love how the keep banning drugs off the market these days with little or no evidence of harm. It's like the new favourite thing to do is ban everything. In reality, they should just make sure it works for certain things and stick to them and study the drug properly if they have no studies.

Like pediatric decongestant? It works just fine, thanks. There are no studies on it in children. Only adults. But the FDA and Health Canada decided to go thermonuclear and BAN it. Funny thing is, that it likely does work well in children. They just haven't studied it yet. The companies are going to study it now because they are getting a lot of pissed of parents and a lot of high level guys like the ones at Sick Kids who are angry that children are being put in danger of chronic ear infections, ear drum damage, ear tube insertion surgery and possible deafness as a result of dipshit bureaucrats trying to cover their ass.

Oh and did I mention the monetary incentives? You see the ENTs at Sick Kids are paid flat rate salaries they negotiate and they only see the most serious cases, and are incredibly busy, so they don't want to see any unnecessary surgeries. They have enough to do. But the ear tube surgeries are still done regularly for any child who has had more than three ear infections. By local ENT surgeons. Who get paid per procedure, and depend on them to cover the bills. (ENTs also got screwed when it was discovered that tonsillectomies are rarely medically necessary. Business dropped and so did office profits.)

You see, about 7-8 years ago, a Cochrane study came out about the effectiveness of ear tubes for children with chronic ear infections. It turns out that ear tubes do absolutely no good at all for any normal children. They are effective for children with cranio-facial deformities, (like Downs, or flat heads from lying on their backs) but pretty much no other children. In the case of normal children with constant ear infections, they should get the pneumovax vaccine, and stay on children's decongestant to dry up the fluid in their ears. They should also be fed sitting bolt upright at all times, and never ever go to bed with a bottle of anything, water, milk, or juice. Breastfeeding is different because you can't culture germs in it and it can't come out of a breast unless the baby is actively sucking and swallowing, so therefore it can't pool in the ear tube and drum and brew up an infection.

The Ontario Ministry of Health could do something about this, and stop paying for a multitude of medically unnecessary procedures, (arthroscopic knee surgery, ear tubes, frozen shoulder rotations, preventative appendectomies, cystoscopies with irrigation, etc, etc...) and someday pay for medically necessary ones, like IVF with SET and PGD or miscarriage treatment, or helmets for plagiocephaly.

Health Canada could operate on the basis of medical evidence for drug safety and say---do things to prevent the death of babies and improve maternal infant fetal health.

But if that were to happen, all hell would break loose, the universe would end, and sunshine and rainbows would come bursting out of my ass.

You know, because it would mean the Doctors actually give a flying fuck about saving lives instead of cold hard cash.

relieving the suspense

We paid some awful amount of money to temporarily fix the roof, and cleaned up all the rotting drywall and water. We hope it will last 6 months, but really it will only last until the next thaw, when another leak comes up in another spot. Husband is slowly accepting he will have to actually reno the house, and use the plans the architect is now rushing to do. Slowly. Some more ceiling needs to fall on his head perhaps? Dunno...

Dr.J. was not helpful. And she usually is. So disappointed. She thinks that I should LOWER my estrogen even though every single time I do that, I bleed like mad. She wants me to take only progesterone even though that makes me shake and get the jitters. Then she wants me to go off of everything for a week (Hello, divorce!) and then go on the pill, which is never enough estrogen for me. She does not seem to understand that in a woman with severe ovarian failure like myself, I do not produce any hormones on my own. So of course my moods are affected. And mood altering drugs don't help that. ADs, whatever, cannot make up for organ failure!

They'd never say this to a man who had kidney failure and was experiencing side effects of the disease.

Never.

Oh, and at first we could not understand the ultrasound report, because it said I had one fibroid and two normal looking ovaries, and some other weird stuff. Then we realized that someone had messed up my report and transposed the measurement numbers. Sigh....plus they did not note the position or placement of the fibroid, and so we can't do anything else. I have to go back for an ultrasound and a saline hysterogram. In case the fibroid is inner, or if I have a polyp, or scar tissue. Total fucking waste of time.....could have done this last fall if I had a requisition. And she did not give me a referral to an OB/Gyn because she wants to wait and figure this out. Thing is, unless it's urgent, I have to wait. And if I had a referral last fall....sigh...

Next, the entire family is sick and exhausted. We have colds and bad throats and Mr.Cotta is getting a man-cold, which as we all know is much much worse than any cold a woman could ever get.

And my son's school? The new high school which demanded all that testing and documentation and said they would move him up and give him more challenging work? Not quite.....they don't do that for anyone. Ever. Except that's a lie, and they did do it for a kid in his class in another subject and they do it for lots of people. Except that it's too late now. Except that "ooops", turns out we've been asking them to do this since last June and it's not our fault their heads are stuck up their asses and they were too disorganized to figure it out. I honestly don't get it. My poor husband feels shocked because he can't believe they are screwing this up.

If Einstein went to this school, they'd tell him to go to the back of the bus. They are really that awful.

January sucked. And if Julius wasn't here and learning how to crawl all on his own and being amazing, February would suck too. Poor Kaz, poor Mac, poor me and the house and Mr.C. If only grown up life were as simple as learning how to crawl...

Oh fuck

I had a whole post written and I was about to press publish---and then part of Kaz's ceiling fell in with a gush of filthy water.

We are moving furniture and drying out his bedding. But he still has to sleep on the couch.

Soooo, do you think my husband will let us renovate now?

Sigh...

There are consequences to denial. Sometimes a bucket full.