Sunday, October 28, 2007

I don't know what's wrong

Not with the pregnancy, just me.

I keep opening your blogs, and trying to read, but then----I don't. I click open the window, and try to figure out what to say, what to comment, but nothing comes to me. No pithy words, no inspiring hopes, no comfort.

It takes every ounce of brain power to focus on what you are all writing. And I'm sucking at it. I'm good at it usually, but I seem to have no energy, no nothing. Huge enormous issues crop up, I know I have words to offer, but my fingers won't type them.

I have lots of stories, like how my husband actually couldn't understand that we were high-risk? He thinks that once we get out of the first trimester, we're fine----a breeze. I looked at him like he had three heads and reminded about our last loss at 16 weeks, and Matthew at 21 weeks, and how I went into premature labour with Mac at 34 weeks. His face turned pale----oh yeah, it comes back.

I really think he deals with stress by blocking out bad memories. Not that I blame him. I'd love to be able to do that! I'm being forced into talking about this pregnancy with everyone I meet, because I'm showing enormously, I swear I look 5 months, not almost 8 weeks. As my stomach and boobs pop out, my ass is shrinking. (Yeah, it picks now to shrink, what was wrong with June?) Most of my stomach popping out is my fibroid and my weak stomach muscles, but still....half the women at my school have guessed, and the other half are telling everyone. They are all so happy for me, there is no malice, after everything they've watched me go through, and everything they've read in the paper, it would be hard not to hope I'd get a break. It's just hard to feel like a celebrity on bump-watch....I kind of wish I'd get to tell them on my own emotional schedule, not my damn bodies'.

Anyway, next 2 days, we're painting the living room/dining room, and I'm hoping to get some relaxing time in, away from the house, but who knows?

Maybe the Ashley Sale will unfrazzle my brain. It can't hurt. Spending money is good, right?

I have 22 tabs open in Firefox right now, sorry, I'm not a stalker, just temporarily frozen, helpless and tongue-tied. I got nuthin' guys, just nuthin but crap. Sigh...


  1. You are so funny... give yourself a break. I know how that feels to be at a loss for words, and brain power.

    My husband has selective amnesia too. It's definitely a coping strategy (I would say male, but that would be stereotyping which isn't fair).

    I hope you get some relaxing time too!

  2. I was always extra befuddled in the first trimester, brain drowning in hormones and whatnot. You have a lot going on!

  3. Know how you feel my love :) You'll be back, dont worry, and ye, spendin is good, all good :)


  4. Hopefully you'll recover - if not your fuddle-ness, then your sense of calm. Oh, I know, that would assume you had a sense of calm in the first place... let's just say *a* sense of calm. Eventually. No pressure, no rush. Not because you've got nothing to worry about, but because you've got to get through somehow.


  5. These days I'm happy if I can string three words together in a coherent sentence. Don't worry about it. I get it.

  6. Take your time and don't stress us in the blogosphere! You've got a lot going on. No one can blame you for keeping quiet. :-)

    That has to really suck to have the added pressure of being "watched". I hope you're able to find a calm spot in all of this!


  7. Take your time. We will still be here.

  8. My husband is the same. Sometimes I wish I could be like that too and not worry about the future. Other times it just infuriates me that he can be so clueless.
    I was reading an older post of yours in which you wrote about the woman being all alone and it really resonated with me. Even when others are doing their best it still can feel like we are dealing with things on our own.
    It is frustrating when our emotional schedule isn't in line with the reality of what we have to deal with.

  9. This would be a good time to check the "mark all read" box in Bloglines. And take a deep breath and have a cup of tea and put your feet up.

    Take good care.

  10. You have enough on your mind these days without trying to think of clever, pithy comments.

    If you feel obliged to comment (which you really shouldn't), you could just make up a list of all-purpose comments (kind of like those Hallmark cards that are good for pretty much every occasion) and leave them everywhere.

  11. yeah, I was showing at 9 weeks and studiously avoided people until week 13. Sorry the grapevine won't just let you tell when you're good and ready.

    I find that one-word comments are good when I can't think of anything to say. Either "yay!" or "shit." really works.

  12. Comment writers block. I have been there before. Usually, I just take a day or two of being quiet and then the urge returns.

    I want to go to the Ashley sale. Buy something good!