The suspense is hell. I no longer feel nauseated, not one bit, but I always feel tired. And for the last day or so, I've been terrified that the tiny shooting pains in my cervix mean this is all over. They could also be my stupid damn fibroid stretching and causing pain. Or be nothing at all.
I keep stuffing progesterone up and counting the minutes until my next ultrasound; 10:00 am Tuesday morning. I hate living like this.
I feel like an idiot. I never should've tried this again. This was a fool's errand, and I just know I'm going to pay the price. What in the hell was I thinking....my body is too messed up and every time I find a "cure" or a "treatment" for the current crop of disasters another problem rears it's ugly head. Do you ever wish you could go back in time and get the treatments you have now, but in a much younger body?
I'm getting to see my new high risk OB/Gyn Nov.7th, if I get that far. I'm hoping he has some good ideas, but I just don't know what the hell he could come up with.
My house is being painted today and tomorrow, and my furniture is all arriving on Thursday. We're having a whole lot of people over for Halloween, and things would be in a lovely state of chaos if not for this stress.
Thing is, with all this chaos I keep wondering how I'll fit in a miscarriage if I get bad news tomorrow.
Yeah, not exactly positive thinking. Not exactly one day at a time. I'm just not very good at that right now. I keep wondering if I'll do better if I just accept that the worst will happen, and I should give up now, and then just go on with my day. Some people do okay with that, but I'm not sure it will work for me.
I really feel this post so deep down that it hurts and feels good all at the same time. I am especially with you when you say, "wondering how I'll fit in a miscarriage if". Right there with ya sister. Right there. Thanks for swinging by with encouraging words and advice. I got the script called in (was out of refills) and am just waiting for husband to get off work and pick them up when they're ready later today. Hugs and smooches, my friend.
ReplyDeleteHang in there Aurelia. I'm pulling for this one.
ReplyDeleteThis is me...holding your hand...and telling you (very gently) to knock it off. What's going to happen is going to happen whether you get all worked up over it or not. How will you handle it if something goes wrong? With the same strength you have already called upon to face the worst in the past (and some new friends to stand with you...even if just virtually). How will you handle it if things go well? Now, that is a question worth spending time answering. {{{hugs}}}
ReplyDeleteBTW...nausea is overrated as an indicator of pregnancy. The only time I get nauseous is when I have to blow my nose. And yet...still pregnant. We're all weird in our own way. Just hang onto your own special kind of weirdness...and maybe a teeny tiny bit of hope. OK?
You have to go through these feelings and it would be hypocritical coming from me to say you can escape them by trying. I tried accepting that the worst would happen - didn't work. Well it worked in terms of convincing myself that the worst would happen, but that part about going on about my day? Not even close. I'm thinking positively for you. I wish I could make all this sucky waiting time pass quickly.
ReplyDeleteIt could go tits up at any moment, or it could not. It could all work out. Keep hanging in there.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I believe that "accepting the worst will happen" ever works for anyone. We try, but in the end we still feel the pain of our losses, no matter how prepared we thought we were.
ReplyDeleteOh Aurelia... I wish this were easier. I wish there didn't have to be this stress. And I wish more than anything that I could wave a magic wand, fast forward you nine months, and put a beautiful, healthy baby in your arms. I'm going to keep wishing and praying all the same.
Deep breath. Feet up. Calm.
ReplyDeleteOkay. Hang in there.
Hoping for the best for you. Wishing you calm.
ReplyDeleteIf you read my blog you will see at a point my symptoms also disappeared and than came back and disappeared again... drove me crazy all the time, but things are still ok with me and I am sure there are fine with you. I had shooting pains in my cervix as well and for me it was a bad UTI that was making feel this... I hope that tomorrow's appt brings you peace of mind
ReplyDeleteCibele,
ReplyDeleteYou just made me think...I've had to pee about 12 times today. Holy crap, maybe THAT's what the problem is.
Ok, if the baby is still alive tommorrow after the US, I'm going submit a sample in a cup and maybe feel way better. Or breathe or something...
oh I hope Cibele is right.
ReplyDeleteNot that I wish you a UTI .....
It's awful, the suspense. I don't have anything except hang in there - at least til the appointment, and then til the next one, etc, I guess. What else can you do?
ReplyDeleteBea
Best of luck today with you u/s. I will be thinking you and I have my fingers crossed for nothing but good new.
ReplyDeleteIt's 10:23. I'm thinking of you. Hope all is well.
ReplyDeleteGood luck today on your u/s. I hope the news is good!
ReplyDelete