Saturday, November 10, 2007

Every post

...I write lately seems to start with I'm tired, or I'm cranky, or I feel like crap.

But, it's true. I'm completely beyond exhausted, and I feel like a really ungrateful bitch not to be enjoying every second of this pregnancy after wanting it for so long. I mean, aren't I supposed to be running through a field of buttercups wearing a lovely white eyelet dress, and a straw hat, singing joy and happiness at every turn?

Instead I'm periodically breaking into tears, sobbing like a fool, over whether or not the potatoes will cook in time for the meat and grilled veg. Not that I can eat said meal....everything I eat tastes like paste, except for Halloween candy, and lemon pudding. I don't have nausea and vomiting per se, just an incredibly bad taste in my mouth at all times. I even went to the dentist to get a cleaning, thinking hey, maybe I just have a cavity, or some buildup? Nope... and funnily enough, even though I'm on all these blood thinners, I hardly bled compared to how I usually bleed after someone has poked at my gums with sharp instruments.

Worst neurosis? Last night, I couldn't sleep a wink because Kaz was out at a sleepover and he had left our house crying for various reasons. First he thought his favourite TV show couldn't tape because we had lost the TV clicker, then he didn't want to bring a very special & expensive model set and the other boy was pressuring him to bring it. Kaz didn't know how to say no to the kid, so he was bringing it, head held low, and I stopped him, pulled him aside quietly, and asked him if he wanted me to say no, and be the bad guy.

He looked relieved, so I did. I took the set out of his arms, put it back in his room, and told him to tell his friend that Kaz had a mean mother. Trouble was, part of the model set was already in the other kid's car, and I couldn't get it back, but at least it was in one piece, and it could come back that way the next morning, which it did.

The other kid is really a nice kid btw, Kaz is just reluctant to tell other people how he feels. He's very quiet and even stoic, until he falls apart, like last night. And the big thing that made him fall apart, wasn't toys or TV shows.

It was the new baby, or rather, what might happen with the new baby, and the uncertainty. I don't think he really wanted anyone to know about my pregnancy, because he knows the odds are slim it will work out. He remembers every loss, every time he got his hopes up, and every time it didn't work. At 11, he's an old soul, and he's no fool.

I didn't want to tell him yet, but he walked in on me weeks ago injecting heparin, and rather than telling my son a lie, like "Momma's doing drugs", I told him the far scarier truth, that I'm pregnant again, and Christ knows what will happen this time, but I'm taking medication, and here's hoping! He's been running around ever since, trying to help me carry things, lifting things, making dinner, offering to come with me to ultrasounds, support me during labour; completely invested in the process.

And then last week, Mac overheard a phone conversation I was having with a Doctor's office regarding appointment times---and figured it all out in three seconds flat. One minute after that he was already having anxiety about whether or not he was ready to be a Big Brother, where would the baby sleep, what toys he should get out of the basement....also getting ahead of himself and totally over invested in the process.

Yes, they are related to me, why do you ask?

Anyway, I thought they were doing okay, but then Mac tells Kaz's friend I'm pregnant and Kaz didn't want him to know yet and erupts in tears right there in the car, and is overly sensitive the rest of the night. The friend was very nice about it, very cool, still Mac shouldn't have said anything.

I felt absolutely awful, just terrible the entire night because I kept worrying that he needed to talk to me or be with me, or ask me something, and he was not with me. Anyway, we've talked some more today, and he seems fine, but I wonder.

The next time someone tells you that we're lucky, parents who have living children after infertility and loss, just remind them, it's not just about the adults, but our surviving children. They don't get a free pass from grief and anguish and worry. Even if we never tell them, the littlest ones can sense stress, they pick it up like sponges from the atmosphere around us. And if we do share and are open, is that any better? I felt I should tell them the truth in age appropriate ways, in ways they can understand, so I did. And now I can't unring the bell.

Even if this pregnancy works out, I wonder how much I've damaged my boys in my quest to have the big family I've always dreamed of. When I saw the tears dripping down my little boy's face, the guilt and blame were overwhelming.

I should've told him I was doing heroin when I had the chance.


  1. oh sweetie.
    i'm delurking to say hang in there.
    your boys will be fine.
    they're resilient things.
    aaaaargh... what i put my son through... not only my fertility stuff... but everything else.

    and at 19, he is almost sane, mostly loves me.... and doesn't think he needs therapy.... yet.

    don't be so hard on yourself.
    the world will do that for you.
    take care, possum.
    in sunny downtown sydney... by the sea.

  2. Oh Aurelia

    How sad that we feel so guilty about something we have no control over. If you have talked to him and he seems fine, he probably is. Most 11 year olds are not that great at hiding their feelings (give him a year or two). I hope neither of you ever have another reason to regret being so invested.

  3. Kaz seems like such a sweet soul. And you are clearly close. I'm sure if he needs to talk more, he will let you know. Hug them lots, they will be okay.

    I understand this anxiety. Little J is only 4, and has been coming with me to the RE since 2, so its just de riguer. But he is getting too smart. Asks WHEN he's getting a sibling. He's seen me do shots. I think the connection is soon to be made. I'm just hoping to get through this last cycle without having to explain. It can be so hard.

    Thinking of ya.

  4. There isn't going to be much about this that is easy for any of you. I hope that you all find a sense of calm.

    Perhaps heroin would help?

  5. Oh, shit... This is what I fear most-- that I get pg, Monkey figures it out, and then it crashes and burns again. I just so want to spare her any more heartache.

    But at some point you have to tell, and it seems your boys are where it would be hard to fool them for much longer anyway. One day at a time, right?

  6. What you wrote about Kaz brought tears to my eyes. I hope beyond hope that this all works out for you and that you make it all the way to the end with a live healthy baby in your arms. I'm thinking of you all.

  7. I am so sorry you all have to go through this. It just breaks my heart.
    I had the hardest time hiding my pregnancy from a two year old and I am pretty sure it was not entirely effective. It is a tough situation. I absolutely believe that being honest with your boys is the right thing to do.
    The idea of telling them you are doing heroin is the type of thing I would think too. Of course this is not the right thing to tell your kids so it just makes it clear you really only had one option.

  8. Geez, Aurelia, "lucky" is not the word I would use to describe any of us. Brilliant, yes. Beautiful, certainly. But not lucky by a long shot. Kaz is such a sweet kid. I wish there was a way to shield your boys from all this.

    "Running in a field of buttercups" - that possible picture of pregnancy flew out the window so long ago. If you were doing that, I'd be jealous but also very suspicious that maybe you really were going insane!

    Thinking of you and willing to hear any anxious thoughts you need to share.

  9. Aren't they amazingly observant?? I have been told that I am TOO honest with my kids but it is the only way I know how to be. I think it is important for them to know that sometimes even parents feel sad, scared, worried and all the other things we feel. They need to know that the whole world isn't rosy but that we love them more than the world so it all evens out.

    Like you, I have one child that is particularly sensitive and I have been more careful with how I present things to him. It is all in my approach as he can sense when I am overwhelmed and tries to absorb some of it. I do try to make sure they know that I am here to handle all the "big stuff" and they should enjoy being kids but I think in the long run this will lead to them becoming very kind and empathetic adults.

  10. Eek, terribly complicated for you...

  11. I'm sorry to read about this Aurelia.

    Give your boys an extra hug today -- they will be okay, and I hope you will be, too.

    Try not to beat yourself up with guilt too much -- its something people with IF are exceptionally too good at.

    Hang in there,

  12. I think you did the right thing being honest. I mean, I've never dealt with anything like this, but I think you did the right thing. Hang in there - I can't pretend to know what any of this is like - but my heart breaks for you sometimes when I read your posts and you are always in my thoughts and prayers. Hey - thanks for that comment on my blog by the way...take care of yourself!!

  13. ..besides...if they ever thought about being cool like mom and do heroine they'd probably start by trying to put it into thier belly!!! Can't have that now can we.

  14. Your kids are adorable.

    I'm thinking calm and happy and successful thoughts for you, because you need the power of positive thinking.

  15. I am sorry you aren't loving every minute of your pregnancy.

    I can sort of identify with your son and his nervousness. I was 11 when I found out my mom was going to have my youngest brother. I thought he was going to "ruin" everything. It turns out he was the best thing that ever happened to our family.

    I didn't know loss of a sibling, but I was still concerned about things changing. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job as a mother.

  16. He's such a sweet boy.
    I think it was good that you told him. When I was 16, there was "something" going on and my parents did not want to tell me, because they didn't want to scare me, and because they did not have definitive results yet. I was more worried (irrationally, perhaps) in the waiting time than afterwards. I guess I still find it difficult to deal with unknowns...