A lovely quote from a family member:"We think she must have had a miscarriage or lost it somehow, and it really screwed her up emotionally,” Dean Presseault says.
First of all Dean, a miscarriage happens BEFORE 20 weeks, and this woman was close to nine months along, which is a stillbirth. A pregnancy loss, completely unacknowledged by family and friends, and dismissed as nothing, isn't some minor league twisted ankle.
IT'S THE NFL YOU JACKASS.
And last time I checked, "screwed up emotionally" isn't in the DSM-IV anywhere. You know, in case you were thinking of attempting some compassion. Her aunt was talking today about her "difficult"past. Sigh....someone needs to tell these people to stop talking to the media and get her a lawyer, something no one has bothered to do. Reality is that this poor woman most likely knew she couldn't depend on her family or boyfriend to be there for her, or offer any support at all, so she hid the loss and lost her mind. Who can blame her?
The weekend update discusses how her boyfriend is being let out of jail since police think he wasn't involved. Yep, the guy was so close and loving and kind to the mother of his child, that he had no clue she had lost a baby. Hmmm, can any of you imagine your significant other not touching your stomach, not knowing that far along? Or perhaps the hospital she lost the baby at never called him, the most likely emergency contact, because hey, who cares about women with dead babies, right? They don't need compassion or dignity at aaaaaallllll.......
As you can see, my sarcasm dial has been cranked pretty high today.
So it was wonderful to read a Letter to the Editor in the Globe today that actually was brilliant, kind, and intelligent, unlike say...ALL of the media coverage to date.
It was written by Jennifer Cypher, my new hero.
After children die
Toronto -- Re Woman Charged With Abduction Was Pregnant (Nov. 3): I have had one miscarriage, and one of my children died shortly after birth. My heart stood still when I heard the reports of the baby abducted on Thursday. I felt sure that the woman involved had had losses of her own.
Supports for parents who have lost children are lacking, and our culture is unable to deal with child death on almost any level. Our midwives and doctors were wonderful, and we had a lot of support from family and friends, but extended professional help was extremely difficult to find.
Most people would rather do almost anything than hang around with people who have dead children.
I loved the last line the best.I've been cared for after a loss, and I've been abandoned, and trust me, it makes a huge difference in how you react in the long-term. This letter is just about the only thing I've read that has even touched that concept.
I'm very glad the baby is back with it's own Mom and Dad, now I just hope the justice system can treat Brenda Batisse with compassion and decency. Cause both moms lost babies, and only one is getting her own child back.
Brilliant last line. And acknowledgement makes a huge difference in one's ability to cope and move on.
ReplyDeleteBea
Wow. That is an amazing letter.
ReplyDeleteI know only too well from my experience that professional help in any situation can be hard to come by. I cannot even imagine how it is to be ignored after losing a child.
We have a lot to learn as a society about how to support mothers. I hope with you that the justice system will keep this in mind.
Women need support??? Really?? We shouldn't be stoic ALL the time??
ReplyDeleteI think that I have caught the sarcasm bug.
I had wondered if Batisse had gone through a loss. When I initially heard the story, my first thought was that she must have lost a child of her own.
ReplyDeleteThat's incredibly sad and I truly hope that this woman gets the help and support that she needs. Somehow I doubt that will happen and she will just get lost in the system.
ReplyDeleteI really feel for that woman. Both, actually. I got lucky after my 3rd loss in that I live near a therapist who deals almost exclusively with infertility and pg loss. But I also have a amazing family, and it sounds like this woman most certainly does not. I do hope she finds a way to get through this, because it's probably going to get worse before it gets better.
ReplyDeleteGah... "an", not "a"
ReplyDeletewhat a story, what a sad and unbelievable story at that. And you're right, that last sentence from Jennifer brought chills to my spine, its sadly so true!!!
ReplyDeleteI truly hope that however horrible it was for the parents of the baby the abductor gets some help instead of being thrown into jail, complete waste of time and government money in a case like that.
So now I know what I can do with a law degree. Hi, I'm a lawyer, I'm IF, and I'm here to protect your reproductive rights. An advocate for those who have suffered pg loss.
ReplyDeletePeople are just clueless about these things. I think they honestly don't understand the difference between a miscarriage, a stillbirth and a neonatal death.
ReplyDeleteThis happens a lot in these kinds of stories. It's about how screwed up the grieving mom is...and generally gets turned into a warning about the rest of us "freaks"...be careful, we might steal your babies. It sadly perpetuates the system of grief that keeps us quiet. Kudos to Jennifer for redirecting the focus where it should be.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if the parents of the kidnapped baby might find in themselves compassion for the grieving mother and ask that she be treated humanely and get the help she needs. I hope so, but am not holding my breath.
ReplyDeleteAnd that family. With family like that, who needs enemies?
I am late to this but it brought to mind a story I read early in my grief. A woman who had experienced the loss of a baby re-wrote the famous King Solomon story where two women are disputing who is the rightful mother of an infant. Instead of focusing on the "brilliance" of King Solomon and his decision to order the baby cut in half to reveal the true mother- she imagines the story that might have lead up to the dispute. She writes poignantly of the one woman having recently experienced the death of her own infant, and how she finds herself inexplicably drawn to this warm, living baby resting quietly in the tent next to hers. She tells herself she will only hold him for a moment, just to breathe in his baby smell... and then she can't let him go.
ReplyDeleteI am not doing the story justice. But it was beautiful, and obviously it has stuck with me.
This story annoyed me too, first with the repetitive use of "miscarriage" for a full-term loss, and then with the continued implication that women who lose babies are so crazy they'll steal someone else's.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, according to an FBI study, women who steal babies are more likely to have feigned pregnancy (then need to produce an infant) in order to keep their boyfriend or husband than to have actually lost a baby.
I actually drafted a post on this topic & then I found yours. (I was even ranting about the misuse of the term "miscarriage." You said it way better!
ReplyDeleteJust thought you should know that it is totally possible for the boyfriend to not have known that she had lost the baby because he works out of town a lot, usually for a couple of months at a time....chances are he wasn't there when it happened. She called him that day and told him that she had had the baby and to go get her in North Bay...he had been hunting at the time.
ReplyDeleteNo, I am not the boyfriend, nor am I a man! I am a woman who is trying to imagine what he must have gone through sitting there thinking that he was holding his newborn "son" and then having the cops walk in and arrest him. Yes, he went to work out of town, many people do it, it is his job and it is a good job. Why should he be to blame for anything that happened? Yes, maybe her family wasn't looking out for her but because he went to work doesn't mean that he is to blame for anything that happened. He is a victim! Doctor's do not go searching for people who miss appointments...they're doctors, not babysitters (neither was Trevor) and she is an adult. If she went to the hospital and lost the baby the doctor would not call her emergency contact if she was lucid enough to tell them not to and if that was the case they are not allowed to call anyone or disclose any information, it's called patient doctor confidentiality!
ReplyDeleteNo, I am not the boyfriend, nor am I a man! I am a woman who is trying to imagine what he must have gone through sitting there thinking that he was holding his newborn "son" and then having the cops walk in and arrest him. Yes, he went to work out of town, many people do it, it is his job and it is a good job. Why should he be to blame for anything that happened? Yes, maybe her family wasn't looking out for her but because he went to work doesn't mean that he is to blame for anything that happened. He is a victim! Doctor's do not go searching for people who miss appointments...they're doctors, not babysitters (neither was Trevor) and she is an adult. If she went to the hospital and lost the baby the doctor would not call her emergency contact if she was lucid enough to tell them not to and if that was the case they are not allowed to call anyone or disclose any information, it's called patient doctor confidentiality!
ReplyDeleteHi Aurelia,
ReplyDeleteI saw this article in the National Post yesterday. She wound up getting five years.
http://www.nationalpost.com/news/canada/story.html?id=596956
But she didn't actually serve those years, she has been living down the road from me in hailebury ontario for a few years now...
ReplyDeleteNo one serves a full sentence in Canada except for murder, everyone else is an automatic 1/3 off for parole, and then time served, plus, time off for good behaviour, participation in education programs.
ReplyDeleteI am glad she got out, I hope she got some help, and maybe some comfort, and has healed. We all need a little of that. Please be kind to her if you are her neighbour.