I'm a little unsure of my objectivity about the meeting I just had with this really nice high-risk OB.
He's kind, well-recommended, well-published, at my favourite hospital, willing to do whatever I need in terms of ultrasounds, prenatal care, amnio, phoning me with any results, and he passed my screening when I checked him out on Google and ten different other search engines and Lexis-Nexis. Plus he gets ADD because of some family issues and told me so, which really rocks. Makes life soooo much easier.
I was a bit hysterical during the visit and kind of lost it when he asked about delivery and inductions. I broke down when I told him I didn't really believe that I would make it that far, so I couldn't have that conversation yet. He agreed we could leave it alone for now. I forgot to tell him several important medical things, and I'm emailing him the pathology reports I left at home.
I think I was in denial about being in an OB's office and pregnant. There were a couple of innocent little preggos in the waiting room having some silly conversation about how much weight they gained and whether their hair still looked good. I REALLY wanted to tell them they were lucky they didn't have dead babies, so fuck their hair, but I held back. I thought it was admirable of me. Yes?
Anyway, my hysteria and temporary brain freeze convinced him I was in need of mental support. (Shit, failed the public nutbar test again...) I couldn't mention blogging, so I told him about my last Doc, who I did EMDR with, but she isn't allowed to see me because of program rules, so that won't work. He's referring me to another shrink who deals with reproductive life stresses, etc. but I'm not sure I feel like doing that, because I can honestly say that Dr.M. was the ONLY mental health professional I've ever met who wasn't mentally off themselves. It's like they all go into the profession to try and figure out why they are so fucked up, and come out thinking they are "cured", when really they are just in denial again. Plus, I have to deal with anti-ADD attitudes every time I meet a new Doc and I'm not sure I have the energy. Sigh....I'm taking this one under advisement.
You may be wondering, why do background checks? Well, I've met some wonderful Docs and some BAD Docs, and while every OB on earth makes mistakes and every OB has been sued, how they handle issues can really make a difference to a patient. As the wife of a lawyer I've learned that lawsuits never give you a sense of emotional satisfaction, and sure as hell never give you a sense of justice. (Money you can get, but that doesn't replace a dead baby.) Aaah, now honest admissions of guilt and apologies? The earnest pledge to learn from mistakes and do better the next time? Those are the things that have helped me to heal and move on when someone has wronged me in the past. Hiding, lying, obfuscating, dismissing my pain, always seems to leave me damaged and angry.
Seems obvious, no? Sigh, not always to members of the medical profession.
Anyway, I know some other people who have seen this Doc, including some women who have had successful pregnancies and a few who have had losses. And they all say that he is open and honest about what has happened and why, decisions that were made, and why others were not. In a high-risk OB practice, there will be dead babies, because not every pregnancy can be saved. And not every spur of the moment decision under stress will not always be right. It is inevitable that Doctors will be wrong.
When he made a mistake during a pregnancy with my close friend from my bereavement group, he admitted it, and deeply sincerely apologized. She went back to him for her subsequent pregnancies, both successful and it all went well. I've never heard of another person ever having an issue with him, and it may be irrelevant.
But this is my tiny sticking point. He DID make a mistake. A tiny one, one that any Doc could make, and it resulted in a miscarriage. And there are no perfect Doctors, anywhere. After many years of attending bereavement support groups and reading stories online, I know that I won't find a perfect one. I've heard the names of every Doctor & hospital in Toronto now slammed and blamed for killing someone's baby. It's like we all need someone to focus our anger on, logic be damned, and so we pick a random medical person who may have said or done something shitty, and we zero in on them like a laser beam. (And sometimes ignore the other medical or non-medical person who actually DID fuck up...)
That anger is not helpful for me anymore. I need to leave that kind of stress behind and focus on the here and now.
I need a doctor and this one fits the bill, now if I could just get over my magical desire to find THE PERFECT ONE.
Any assvice? I need it.