Tuesday, November 27, 2007

So need some help with the paranoia

I had a visitor today from Canada's political scene, in fact, from Ottawa. I think it was a fellow infertile, and no, it wasn't any of the regular visitors I have who work in government departments. I don't mind you guys, because most of you seem to be bloggers or fellow moms, or infertiles just surfing by. No---this was a visitor from a very political place. And the only posts they looked at were the posts that they thought they could use to identify me. Most infertiles never notice my political posts, and most political visitors never look at my infertile posts. But this was different. They searched for specific details about the real me.

Worst part? They didn't identify themselves by email or comment, and they might be a friend or a political enemy, or shit, a frenemy. I'm stressed and I'd like to blog about something else causing me severe anxiety, but I'm kind of freaked now. Because someday, someone is going to come up behind me and say, "I know you are Aurelia, and I'm going to expose you," and because I react badly to blackmail, well, I'll just tell them to do whatever, and let the chips fall where they may.

Which sounds very nonchalant, and really, I feel sick.

I hope I'm wrong, and I don't know what to do. There's no way of knowing who saw that screen even if I track the IP address to the exact office. And of all the weeks to do this to me, this has to be the worst one possible.

So, I'm now tired and paranoid, and miserable. Help.


  1. Well this should bring them out even if they reassure you anonymously. Because I guess they might not want to be outed either.

  2. this is sucky lovie.
    but, um. are you famous?
    have you blogged about something heinous you've done? i must have missed that post.

    hopefully you're just being paranoid. i have no idea how blogs/tracking works. but fingers crossed it's nothing.

    or they're just looking for dirt on me. ;-)

    take care.
    in sunny downtown sydney by the sea

  3. oh yeah.... i meant to say...
    can you tell us luddites what you can see about people who read your blog?

    i know the divine ms manuela talked about suspect people from time to time, and seemed to know stuff about their habits/ips but i'm a newbie to this part of it all.

    can you tell where we've been surfing and where in the world we're posting from?

    no need to give stuff away if you're not comfy.... you've just piqued my curiosity. it's easily piqued. you could say i'm piquey.

    ok, i'll shut up now.
    take care,

  4. well that sucks because you don't need anymore help feeling sick this week.
    Like taffy I really suppose I should know who you are.
    I'll have to go look at some more political posts because all I have read from you I have agreed with. While I cannot help feeling badly that you want to be anonymous, I cannot help but hope exposure of your thoughts might lead to some action.
    I guess you wouldn't be feeling sick if you thought that was possible so again, I'm sorry. This sucks.
    Lisa b

  5. I'm not famous or anything, but I have blogged about my medical termination, and about my ADD, and various other things that aren't known about me among political folks.

    And among political people, it's a bit of a small world. We know of each other, even if we don't know each other well, and the big hit with them----is that god forbid anyone EVER mention anything personal. Feelings are not okay in the Liberal Party, and in the Tories?!?! Horrors!

    Meanwhile they all go through shit too.

    They have databases of memberships, which have lots of information including birthdays and credit card numbers, and addresses. Combine that with other stuff?

    Taff, I found their IP addresses, by looking on my Statcounter. Go to Statcounter dot com, and for free you can get a piece of software for your blog that tells you a lot. Sitemeter does the same.

  6. Oh geez - I am afraid I don't have anything helpful to say. I suffer the same paranoia sometimes. Any time I see anyone in my city checking my blog - and really only because of my job. I blog about things that are highly personal that could damage my reputation in my career. I hope that I have plausible deniability. I mean, someone would have to go digging to be able to identify me through my blog. But it does freak me out. Occasionally I just think about taking the whole thing down. I'm sure it's okay - just try not to worry about it unless or until something happens. I mean, there is nothing you can do right? So, no worries unless you have to!! And who knows, maybe the person will identify themselves. I have so many lurkers - none of them will come out. And I have a feeling some of them are family members of my brother's in-laws. Anyway, sorry this was long.

  7. It could be worse: you could be a famous chess player in Russia or a poor English teacher in the Sudan.

    I think paranoia is the worst kind of torture.

    FYI: for those who have wordpress, statcounter does not display IP addresses. Codes are not compatible.

  8. I work for a government (the justice department, actually), but I'm just a regular blogger. I don't come here for work at all. I promise.

  9. I wish I had some brilliant solution or words of wisdom, but alas, I don't.

    But I'm thinking of ya. Take deep breathes. I don't think anything you have shared is really that awful. But hey, that's me.

    Calm blue ocean (that's what I tell myself to imagine when I'm freaking).

  10. As hard as it is to relax, I wouldn't sweat it too much. It could be any number of things. People sometimes go in and read an entire blog or website because they are having a slow day, and, well, Aurelia, your blog can capture interest.

    Of course, it could be they are looking for personal stories for hearings of some sort...



  11. Here I'm just stressed that my parents might have found out about my blog. I guess my attitude is no point in worrying until you know for sure. And should it come to anything, I don't see any reason for you not to take the high road -- not like you broke any laws or did anything unethical. (right?) I'm not in your shoes remotely, but I did notice I get a few hits from the US DOJ and a couple other gov sites. People google the strangest stuff.

  12. I know I'm naive about the Canadian political scene, but as far as I'm concerned, if you were ever "exposed" as being Aurelia, where is the harm? Being a policital idiot, if I heard on the news that soMs -and-so is actually Aurelia who talks supposedly anonymously about her (gasp!) infertility and (gasp!) ADD, my first thought would be scorn for the idiot who though they would gain anything by exposing you.

    My second thought would be how sad is it that someone who is living a political life cannot share personal things that would touch so many people and make said person, well, more human.

    Third thought? Good on you, Aurelia, for finding a way to touch so many people. Blog on, lady and fuck 'em if they can't take it. You are doing NOTHING wrong.

    I may not be political, but I would stand at your side and support you at the first opportunity.

  13. Wow, holy spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. Sorry. :( I blame the drugs and exhaustion.

  14. I was checking in to see what you thought of the infertility blog story in the Globe this a.m. but yikes!
    I will storm down to the P.M.O. RIGHT THIS SECOND if you want to sic me on someone.

  15. I'm sure I'll be outed one day by people I know or work with. But I tell myself that it really isn't going to make any practical difference.

  16. Ugh, I hate to hear that someone out there is messing with your head. I hope they let you know who they are as opposed to hiding behind the cloak of anonymity.