Friday, November 09, 2007

A Tantrum

Dear friends, to understand this post, you need to read it as if it was written while I was having a temper tantrum, just like a two year old, lying on the floor, flailing my hands and feet, and yelling. It was written yesterday and not posted til now.

"My little headache is getting bigger. I can barely see this screen, my eyes are blurring now. I managed a few comments today and some reading blogs but not much.

I'm beginning to realize that my issue around these Doc is not so much what they do, as it is, who they are.

They are NEW.

I don't like change. I don't like anything different or odd or anything I'm unprepared for in any way. It's sort of my ADD, and sort of my general discomfort with male Doctors. I am STILL unclear as to why men practice OB/Gyn or infertility medicine. I think they must get bored looking at all the hoo-haas, so what is it?

In times of crisis, I need comfort and familiarity. I want to eat mashed potatoes and hide in my house and only go to places I have been many times before. I really really don't want to have to break in a new doctor once again, and a new therapist.

With my GP, Dr.J. I don't have to explain anything ever. She knows me perfectly. But she isn't delivering babies anymore because she wants to do something else, like not stay up all night or something. She can still see me as a GP, but not for the big stuff, like my ultrasounds, or for my delivery. And I hate that. Magical thinking be damned, I want her, and she just has to be there, and gahhhhhhhhhh, this sucks.

As for therapists, more gahhhhhh the woman who knew me really well moved to the East Coast 3 years ago, and Dr.M, who took forever to get to know me, and finally does, works for a program that is not allowed any repeat clients.

So any therapist I see, will have to educated completely about ADD, about complicated grief, and perinatal bereavement. You see, none of these subjects are discussed in any therapy training programs, since ADD is an imaginary disease, that only young hyper boys and drug-seeking adults get; complicated grief is easily conquered if we "just get over it" maybe take a bunch of ADs or something; and of course, what's a baby death? Bahhh, nothing big....


Fuck, fuck, fuck, I just don't have the energy to train a bunch of new doctors right. I am to tired, I hate this, I want to everything to be easier. I just don't want to be me right now. I want to be the innocent stupid little first time preggo that I was pregnant.

I want to go back in time."

I still feel this way, but I'm less tired and cranky than I was last night when I wrote this. We have a day off school today and we're all going to the Royal Winter Fair together. Hopefully, thinking about something besides my uterus will keep me calm. See you later.


  1. mmmm....mashed potatoes.

    Yeah, I sometimes have tantrum like that too. Though I find it hard to type when I'm lying on the floor screaming and pounding my fists.

  2. I hope you feel better soon. Yes, it can be overwhelming to have to break in a bunch of people... I am sorry you have to do it. Try to have a good weekend, even with all this on your mind. I'll be thinking about you.

  3. Mashed potatoes sound so yummy. I've been wanting them often lately.

    I hope you enjoyed the Royal Winter Fair!

  4. I hate starting over with new medical people.

  5. Yes, I can well understand staying home and eating mashed potatoes at a time like this (literally and metaphorically). I hope the transition isn't too stressful.


  6. Hey I hope you're feeling better about things. It's got to be hard to adjust to all these new practitioners. I hope that little by little you can win each other over. Take care, stay warm.

    Do you like gravy on your mashed potatoes? I had a mad craving for MP&G several weeks ago and after I fed the craving it never came back.

  7. Breaking in new doctors sucks. Hence, I don't have a therapist.
    I want to throw a tantrum too. That, or eat mashed potatoes. I think tantrum is better for me, though.

  8. I hope you had a great day at the Fair.

    All my posts sound like this one because breaking in new doctors is just too hard to deal with on top of everything else.
    The doc I saw recently was quoted in the paper last week on PDD. A perfect quote and quite frankly I have trouble believing the person I met with said it.
    I am hoping you find some good people to work with.

  9. This is exactly how I feel today - just about other things. I feel like having a little fit because everything is irritating me and I just want to crawl into a hole. Oh well, it will pass, but still - right now, I feel like crap.