Seven days since my last ultrasound, and I'm getting squidgey again. Last night I was consumed with DBTs (dead baby thoughts) and simply could not deal with the baby not moving on my command. I suddenly decided that I didn't feel pregnant anymore, and so I tried laying down and drinking loads of juice. Which didn't really work, because I kept getting up again and again and trying to figure out why the baby wasn't moving like it had last week one night.
Well, maybe because I'm only 14 weeks, and I kept getting up and moving, and I need to realize that it's pretty small and won't do everything I want it to?
Yaaaa, try telling yourself that at 1:00 am when you've woken up in a cold sweat convinced that it's all over.
Anyway, Dinkypie finally decided to get off his/her butt and move a little while I was driving the boys to school this morning. A distinct, non-gas-related, non-intestinal fluttering kicking. Very very reassuring. I know some first and second timers would never be able to tell the difference, but after this many pregnancies, I can. I would've called for an ultrasound this morning and they would've fit me in no problem, but Mr. Cotta is away on a business trip and could not be there until Wednesday, and I can't bear to make the phone call to him with bad news and then spend the next few days alone with the boys.
Last night my mind kept leaping ahead to scenarios like How do we tell everyone? (answer: by email) What happens at Christmas? If the baby dies just before Christmas do we still host Christmas dinner? How? I guess Santa still comes, but it would make it a really horrible Christmas for the kids if something bad happened right now. And as Taff pointed out in the comments, mothering the living kids I have already has to be a priority. I've always practiced this by the way, to the point that I refused to get a D&C after Georgia died for 2 days, until the day after Mac's first day of junior kindergarten. I knew it was the most important day of his little life and I wasn't going to miss it for a baby that was already dead. To save a baby that had a chance, he would've had to be happy with only Dad there, but I wasn't going to do that for one that had passed on, so I shut up and smiled like a Stepford wife and did what had to be done.
(Yes, more scattered uneven writing, deal with it people, I'm trying here)
I'm going to have to miss the boys Christmas---oooops Winter Seasonal---concert and the play this year because I'll be on bedrest after the amniocentesis, and I'm feeling very sad. The amnio can only be done that day due to holiday scheduling issues, and meanwhile this will be the very first concert I've ever ever missed. Oh well, this is why camcorders were invented, right?
Sooooo new camcorders are good news, and I know the baby moved which is good news! And my curtains look great, and our house looks amazing, which is good news! (Trying to avoid thinking anything negative...) Our Christmas lights look nice, and I've put out some decorations which look great.
I'm feeling very hungry, which is a good sign of pregnancy, right? More good news?