Monday, December 10, 2007

Balancing the good and the bad

Seven days since my last ultrasound, and I'm getting squidgey again. Last night I was consumed with DBTs (dead baby thoughts) and simply could not deal with the baby not moving on my command. I suddenly decided that I didn't feel pregnant anymore, and so I tried laying down and drinking loads of juice. Which didn't really work, because I kept getting up again and again and trying to figure out why the baby wasn't moving like it had last week one night.

Well, maybe because I'm only 14 weeks, and I kept getting up and moving, and I need to realize that it's pretty small and won't do everything I want it to?

Yaaaa, try telling yourself that at 1:00 am when you've woken up in a cold sweat convinced that it's all over.

Anyway, Dinkypie finally decided to get off his/her butt and move a little while I was driving the boys to school this morning. A distinct, non-gas-related, non-intestinal fluttering kicking. Very very reassuring. I know some first and second timers would never be able to tell the difference, but after this many pregnancies, I can. I would've called for an ultrasound this morning and they would've fit me in no problem, but Mr. Cotta is away on a business trip and could not be there until Wednesday, and I can't bear to make the phone call to him with bad news and then spend the next few days alone with the boys.

Last night my mind kept leaping ahead to scenarios like How do we tell everyone? (answer: by email) What happens at Christmas? If the baby dies just before Christmas do we still host Christmas dinner? How? I guess Santa still comes, but it would make it a really horrible Christmas for the kids if something bad happened right now. And as Taff pointed out in the comments, mothering the living kids I have already has to be a priority. I've always practiced this by the way, to the point that I refused to get a D&C after Georgia died for 2 days, until the day after Mac's first day of junior kindergarten. I knew it was the most important day of his little life and I wasn't going to miss it for a baby that was already dead. To save a baby that had a chance, he would've had to be happy with only Dad there, but I wasn't going to do that for one that had passed on, so I shut up and smiled like a Stepford wife and did what had to be done.

(Yes, more scattered uneven writing, deal with it people, I'm trying here)

I'm going to have to miss the boys Christmas---oooops Winter Seasonal---concert and the play this year because I'll be on bedrest after the amniocentesis, and I'm feeling very sad. The amnio can only be done that day due to holiday scheduling issues, and meanwhile this will be the very first concert I've ever ever missed. Oh well, this is why camcorders were invented, right?

Sooooo new camcorders are good news, and I know the baby moved which is good news! And my curtains look great, and our house looks amazing, which is good news! (Trying to avoid thinking anything negative...) Our Christmas lights look nice, and I've put out some decorations which look great.

I'm feeling very hungry, which is a good sign of pregnancy, right? More good news?


  1. Shit A, I don't know what an appropriate comment is here.

    I think these things but haven't actually had to live them beyond the thinking and fear part. You have tremendous strength and I admire you for passing through all of this with you wicked black humour intact.

    I'm such an amateur I was wondering why you were expecting to feel dinkypie. Why don't you have a doppler?

    Christmas lights, home decor and new curtains - you are lapping me babe. Go lie down.

  2. Eat, and lie on the couch looking at your nice house. And then eat some more.

  3. I fretted my way through my entire IVF pregnancy. Everything that I knew could go wrong, I worried that it would. When the movement started (about 18 weeks - first pregnancy) it was wonderful but also dreadful in some ways, because I worried even more when I couldn't feel them (twins) move. I envied those friends who got pregnant easily, first time, and glowed their way through pregnancy.

    And I didn't even have any past baby deaths to contend with.

    I'm sure these are hollow words coming from a complete stranger, but it sounds as if you're doing an amazing job coping with your considerable load. I hope you can find some mental peace soon.

    (This is my first time commenting, but I've been reading for a while.)

  4. I don't think there's any way around the worrying and terror, so perhaps you could try embracing them, welcoming them as old friends?

    That's what I've been trying to do. Admittedly, with mixed results.

  5. Last night, apparently we were in similar zones. For a good week now, I was so busy studying for finals that my mind had no time to wander over to doubt and fear. It was nice while it lasted. Yesterday night, after the completion of the last final of the semester, the doubt and fear smacked me upside the head again. Husband was asleep and I just lie there on the coach realizing the "what if's". I was struck with terror that there are no guarantees and I could be a dead baby carrier right then and there. Thank god my meds kicked in not too long after that thought, and I was soon in a drug induced, no dream sleep. Excellent.

    I am so happy that you are able to feel the baby move. As a first timer, I haven't a fucking clue whether there is movement yet. But perhaps I will spend the remainder of the day trying to figure it out.

  6. It's ok to be scattered. At this point I think you can scarcely avoid it. Hey heck...perhaps embrace it with humor?...if at all possible.

    Never missed a concert yet! Wow! Now that is impressive considering your boy's ages.

    I once scheduled the finalization of the selling of a house based on having my girl's 4th birthday in our old place first.

    I have ocd with fearful thoughts in another areas. As soon as I recognize that I've thought a negative thought...I pray.

  7. Hmm, maybe Niobe has a point here. I'm horrified that this is your M.O., and yet I understand it totally. It would be me, to a T. In fact, it sounds by the advance planning you've done that you HAVE embraced the fear, or maybe "faced it down" is a better way of putting it. You're dealing with it the best you can. And what you did on the first day of K? You're an amazing mom. Simply amazing. Now go lie down.

  8. I am right there with you... trying to stay positive, but still terrified. Hugs!

  9. I'm impressed you can feel the baby move at all at this point! I know you already know this but remember there are a lot weeks still before you will feel dinkypie move regularly. I help at all. Don't even know why I said it. I just want to find some magic words to make it all easier- even though I know they don't exist.

  10. Good news, indeed. I can't tell you how happy it all makes me. Not that it matters, but you take my breath away. Be well, my friend.