I'm back from the amnio, the baby is alive and well, but honestly I'm wiped, I feel like a truck hit me. Between the crying jags this morning in anticipation of disaster and the screaming agony and pain I felt during the amnio, I'm a mess.
I'm really really unhappy right now with my OB. He treated me like a normal high risk patient, blah blah blah, kind, nice, don't worry, very gentle, but did not listen to my specific request for painkillers and freezing for the amnio. The average woman is just fine getting an amnio and doesn't need major painkillers, but if anyone reading this blog or my medical history thinks I'm average...whew, you must've missed something.
Like, my PTSD most recently made worse by invasive medical procedures, or my incredibly bruised & sore stomach which really doesn't react well to wide needles, or my pissed off anger at so-called medical professionals who don't listen to patients when they specifically tell Doctors what they need.
Sigh....I once posted here that all Doctors have faults, every last one of them, that there are no saviours, just some that are slightly better than others, and I almost forgot that for a moment. Stupid of me.
I have to keep remembering that there is no one on earth who can save my baby and my life except me. Always double check, always triple check, never assume, never trust. Terrible rules I have to live by. I know, the rest of you need to trust your Doctors, and by and large they won't screw up and you will be fine.
But that's not my life. I am the adoptee who got stuck with the shit family instead of the good one, the woman who has dead babies, the woman who had a body delivered to her door instead of the morgue, the woman who went for an average laparoscopy and almost died on the table when the anesthesiologist gave her too much fentanyl.
I guess I just feel very very beat up right now. I just don't get it----why me? What did I ever do to deserve all this shit?
Why can't I ever be normal?
Sigh...I'm going to talk to my GP who knows all of the details of this, and I'm going to talk to my OB and have a very very explicit conversation so that this never happens again. He needs to know that I am not the average patient and I am not putting up with this shit. This is my last chance at pregnancy and I'm not letting anyone screw this up.
Now I have to go curl up in a corner and weep. If I'm going to pretend to be strong when I speak to these fuckups, I have to be able to be honest about how pathetic I am really am somewhere, right?