Wednesday, December 19, 2007

I'm back

I'm back from the amnio, the baby is alive and well, but honestly I'm wiped, I feel like a truck hit me. Between the crying jags this morning in anticipation of disaster and the screaming agony and pain I felt during the amnio, I'm a mess.

I'm really really unhappy right now with my OB. He treated me like a normal high risk patient, blah blah blah, kind, nice, don't worry, very gentle, but did not listen to my specific request for painkillers and freezing for the amnio. The average woman is just fine getting an amnio and doesn't need major painkillers, but if anyone reading this blog or my medical history thinks I'm average...whew, you must've missed something.

Like, my PTSD most recently made worse by invasive medical procedures, or my incredibly bruised & sore stomach which really doesn't react well to wide needles, or my pissed off anger at so-called medical professionals who don't listen to patients when they specifically tell Doctors what they need.

Sigh....I once posted here that all Doctors have faults, every last one of them, that there are no saviours, just some that are slightly better than others, and I almost forgot that for a moment. Stupid of me.

I have to keep remembering that there is no one on earth who can save my baby and my life except me. Always double check, always triple check, never assume, never trust. Terrible rules I have to live by. I know, the rest of you need to trust your Doctors, and by and large they won't screw up and you will be fine.

But that's not my life. I am the adoptee who got stuck with the shit family instead of the good one, the woman who has dead babies, the woman who had a body delivered to her door instead of the morgue, the woman who went for an average laparoscopy and almost died on the table when the anesthesiologist gave her too much fentanyl.

I guess I just feel very very beat up right now. I just don't get it----why me? What did I ever do to deserve all this shit?

Why can't I ever be normal?

Sigh...I'm going to talk to my GP who knows all of the details of this, and I'm going to talk to my OB and have a very very explicit conversation so that this never happens again. He needs to know that I am not the average patient and I am not putting up with this shit. This is my last chance at pregnancy and I'm not letting anyone screw this up.

Now I have to go curl up in a corner and weep. If I'm going to pretend to be strong when I speak to these fuckups, I have to be able to be honest about how pathetic I am really am somewhere, right?


  1. I am starting to think that is just how this is done: we go into the corner and weep when we need to, and then we come back out, fighting just as hard as we have to. I am reminding myself of this as much as you - so please weep and then please feel better. thinking of you. (I read you all the time, and never post. so here i am, posting.)

    and i am very, very glad to hear the baby is doing well in there.

  2. yeah! Healthy baby.

    go weep, and then get him.

  3. Glad things went okay, despite the disregarding dr. I'm hoping for excellent results.

    I'm sorry things have been so hard. Weep away, get everything out and move forward.

    Thinkin' of ya.

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  5. Fuck, you tell 'em.
    I'm so sorry he let you down.


  7. Hi A,

    That sounds like an awful experience. I'm sorry he didn't listen to you but hope Mr. Cotta is waiting on you hand and foot tonight and giving you a break from Mommy-related duties (you know, beyond gestating) so you can recover.

    Are you getting the FISH results, or waiting for the full report?

  8. Oh, stupid doctors. Next time don't forget to write a message on your stomach in magic marker. Something like "do not proceed with interventions until I have been fully frozen and doped up."


    On the happy side, YAAAAY for dinkypie being alive and well! You made it through today. I'm proud of you.

  9. Well, alive and well is good. Hopefully you feel less stressed soon.


  10. Well, you made it home and the baby is alive. You can deal with the other shit when you have had a few days to figure out exactly what to say. Take it easy, ok?

  11. Nothing about this can be easy, can it?

  12. Elizabeth is right, go in the corner, curl up and have a great weep. Then you'll just be strong an d angry when you talk to your OB. I deplore doctor's that won't listen. I'm sorry this was such a fuck up. I am glad the baby's healthy.

  13. A good weep is a great stress reliever, sorry things are shit at the moment darling, big hugs to you XXX

  14. How terrible! I think talking to your OB about it is a great idea. Sad that you are the guinea pig but perhaps voicing your opinion will help someone else without the strength to speak up for themselves.

  15. Yikes. And I hate when stupid assholes dredge up all the other bad junk with their boorish behavior. Weep if you must. With some chocolate.

    But baby! Whee!

    (I do like the magic marker idea, must remember that.)

  16. Glad you are back, and sorry to hear about how you were treated. Having been treated this way myself, I know how much it sucks. And yet I'm always surprised to hear that doctors continue to act this way. So frustrating.

  17. Did anyone explain why they were not following your wishes or did they just dive right in?

    You are just going to have to make sure to take the care with yourself that the doctors can't seem to be bothered with. I hope you are having a much more peaceful day.

  18. I have felt many of the same things you describe here, especially the part about "why can't I be normal" and the always double checking, triple checking, never assuming, never trusting. You can only be burned so many times by doctors before you have to adopt that kind of attitude.

    I'm happy to hear the amnio went well, but said that it had to be so traumatic because a doctor simply wouldn't take you seriously. After experiences that can only be called torture at the hands of a doctor, I now make every doctor who is doing something that might be remotely painful promise to stop whatever they are doing when I say stop. That gives me some control, a moment to recover from the pain, gather myself, and then ask for more relief or simply for them to abandon the procedure if necessary. This happened during my labor with Bubba, when I was getting a pudendal block. The pain was too reminiscent of the aforementioned torture episode so I just had her abandon it with only half of the block in place. I couldn't handle it emotionally.

    I hope your discussion with your doctor goes well and you get through to him.

    I don't think you are pathetic. I think you carry wounds like the rest of us do, and it's admirable that you don't just roll over and take it without speaking up.

    Hope you feel better soon.

  19. I always feel better after a good cry. I hope your cry does the same for you.

  20. Hang in there. I don't kow why all this terrible stuff happens to you - but I do know that many people feel that way about their lives and it's a sucky way to feel. It's not fair, and you have a every right to express your anger and sadness about it. A few good things to hold onto about today: that amnio is OVER and you never have to have it again, and your little one is alive and wiggling around as is right and proper. Take it easy tonight - cry if it helps - and feel better tomorrow.
    I'll be thinking of you.