Monday, April 28, 2008

Not enough rocks

I'm in one of those moods right now. I haven't slept much in the last two days/nights because my nausea/heartburn is back and I'm feeling really achy because I have to sleep upright again. I'm so exhausted that nothing looks logical or intelligent.

Like----I'm fat, and ugly and everything I wear looks awful, and doesn't fit my enormous freaking stomach. And my husband is bickering with me over stupid things like what to feed the kids, so every single thing he says right now I am pissed off at and suspicious and feeling like really it's all just a prelude to him asking for a divorce since I am so ugly and fat and huge and unattractive.

PLUS, my hairdresser had to reschedule my haircolour appointment last week, due to some silly CT Scan medical emergency thing he had, so my dark roots are showing really badly and I broke some nails, so now I look even more unattractive.


Like last week he went out for drinks with that witch I mentioned before? The one who goes on and on about how incompetent her ex-husband with ADD is, and how much happier she is now she's divorced him. Meanwhile, no one has ever given him proper ADD medication or therapy----but he's "incompetent" to her. And I can barely take my meds anymore because they make my blood pressure go up, so i guess that makes me incompetent too. And she once came on to my husband years ago when we were married, so I really really hate her guts, and I don't care if it's business, he can meet with someone else for fuck's sake, but I don't see why it has to be her?!?

Why why why did he have to meet up with someone who is skinny, and attractive, and has all of her marbles, and is rich and has a high-powered job? Who I am quite sure is still attracted to him and wants to sink her claws into him, or at least convince him that crazy withered up ugly old me should be thrown aside like so much garbage so he can go live a great carefree perfect life.

I spent a whole lot of time this weekend convincing our son that he should go to church with his Dad even if he didn't feel like it, because it means a lot to his Dad, and just out of respect he owes him that much, because it's not like we ask him to do very much around here. All that, even though I personally think Church attendance is pretty useless. I believe in God, very deeply, but church? Meh. Meanwhile, I do this anyway because my husband is very hurt by Kaz's attitude and I want my boys to respect their Dad's wishes even though I think the whole thing is whatever---just like I'm going along with his crazy idea to try another sleepover camp after last year's disaster, and I'm going along with his crazy idea to send him to this giant high school, and all the other ideas he has.

I'm supportive of him in front of the kids even when I don't agree with him. So yeah----I'm feeling a little unsupported and paranoid and sad and abandoned by everyone who matters right now.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go ALL MY MYSELF to my ultrasound and Doctor's appointment where I will find out that I am being abandoned by my Doctor and left to fend for myself while my cervix mercilessly opens at only 34 weeks.

I hate men right now. I just hate them.


And right after I typed that, I started to cry so hard that I choked on my own snot, and ended up peeing gallons all over the only pair of clean pants that fit my enormous ass.

I give up

Sometimes, I guess there's just not enough rocks....


  1. woo-hoo, am I really first?!?
    Oh honey, wish I knew the cure for that Vicious Green Monster (unfortunately in MY case my spider-sense was right on-track); but things WILL get better... The finish line is in sight!
    [Since Mr C ran you to hosp for monitoring, seems to me he's still on-board]
    Hang in there, lotsa good wishes my dear.

  2. {{{hugs}}} Just hang on, ok? You will be ok. I promise.

  3. Those feelings of envy towards others and bleh about yourself? Man do I have them, too. Mr. DD has spent every evening, all evening with his father since he's been in the hospital (the past week), and I'm mad at him for it. Why can't he be home with me? Is he avoiding me? I know it's irrational. His father is in the hospital with serious complications to surgery and I'm ENVIOUS of him.

    Ugh. Sometimes I wish alcohol wasn't such a no-no.

  4. Oh sweetie, these last weeks are so hard. I'm sure you look beautiful. Wish I could give you a big hug right now.

  5. Snort - I had to laugh at the end there. Because sometimes, it all piles up and you have to laugh.

    Men. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

    You'll get through - I know it.

    Rooting for you on a rainy Monday...

  6. Ah man, some days are easier than others! This too shall pass.

  7. No... sometimes there aren't (and, yes, I get the movie reference- because I'm super smart like that :)).

    Hang in there. As if the whole pregnancy isn't emotional enough, I swear it gets really rocky in the last weeks. At least, that has always been true for me.

  8. Hugs and hang in there. You're dong GREAT even though it may not seem like it to you. Just spitting it out here says you are at least dealing with it to some degree.

    So many many people you'd like to beat upside their dumbass I're doing fantastic!

  9. i'm sending you big hugs and a TON of chocolate (or anything else that would make you feel better).

    you're not alone, trust me, you're definitely not alone.

  10. (you are sure it was pee, right??!!)

    Hang in there. That bitch ain't got nothin' on ya. (Or me, incidentally.) Not much longer now . . .

  11. I hope your appointment went as well as it could. I am keeping you in my thoughts because damn, girl, some of these days of pg can be way too hard. Hang in there as best you can... the finish line is near!

  12. It's amazing to me how, after infertility, I failed to realize how hard some days of pregnancy could be. I never imagined it.

    Hang in there. You're rounding the bend and this too shall pass.

    And some people (many people) often need a good slap in the forehead.

    PS - I'm sure you look beautiful to most folks, even if you don't feel it. My how the world loves a pregnant woman. :)

  13. You sound miserable but still funny :-) Is there any way for your husband to get a clue? It sounds like you really need him now...

  14. I am so sorry you are feeling this way right now. I know sometimes it can feel like the weight of the world is on you. But remimber there are people out here who care about you that don't even know you. And I bet you look more beautiful then you think! I do hope you are feeling better soon. Big hugs to you.

  15. Ohhhh.... Sending you big hugs. Hoping things get better for you soon.

    And FYI - you made me laugh too at the end of your post...

  16. you let your husband date?
    he should be out with you.
    no. matter. what.

  17. Hope you're feeling better. I certainly am after reading your probably-not-so-funny in real life stories. Hang in there.

  18. I think you are right to worry. I'm so sorry that your husband doesn't have the sensitivity to deal with this women appropriately.

    You seem to be a great compromiser. I've envious.