Not much rest

I got a little rest, but my OB won't give me anything more for heartburn medication than what I'm taking now, so I'm trying to figure out what to do. I can't sleep upright for the next four weeks, nor can I be sleepless. You know the old mantra about if you want a healthy baby, you need a healthy mama? Which is why it's so important to take care of pregnant women and not just babies? Yeah...I'm feeling like I need to see my GP, the lovely Dr.J. She might have some solutions. I hope.

As for the rest of my visit? No protein in the urine, but my BP is climbing slightly and I'm looking a little swollen. Pretty normal for 34 weeks for me. My cervix looked normal on the US, still 3 cm, so I figure it's just softening up. Still doesn't explain the pain. And I just don't accept the blanket explanation of "irritable uterus". It sounds too much like "We don't know and so we're just going to label it X." I'm going to ask Dr.J. to check if I have a UTI or something else that might make sense. Otherwise, I'm lost.

The baby is still measuring ahead of dates, like 2-3 weeks, but now, only on the head measurement, and the body diameter (stomach). The femur length seems to have lagged a bit and is measuring on target for 34 weeks, but 2 weeks ago it was only a little smaller, so I am worried a bit. Body diameter is a bullshit measurement, because it's soft tissue, so I ignore that, and the head measurement can be a bit off since it can include the outer tissue or not depending on the skill of the operator. But a femur is a femur. And it didn't grow much this time.

My OB tells me not to worry, that babies are going to start to vary on ultrasound size, and that as long as he is still growing and developing, it's okay. I'm still nervous anyway. I keep thinking about deformed and dying babies with big heads and short legs....utterly stupid, but still. I keep thinking about it.

I'm also slightly panicking about not having anything for when the baby gets here. I still haven't had the nerve to order the damn nursery furniture and yet I desperately want it here set up right now. And yet----I don't want it anywhere near my house. Conflicted a bit.... I washed all the baby clothes in storage and in the basement, in Tide once, and in baby laundry detergent again, and I'm trying to figure out what we'll need vs. what we have already. (Short answer btw, almost everything we have is too old or not very good/usable. Lisa B has made me throw out all my old plastic dishes, sippy cups, toys etc. since of course, duh that I am, I did not realize that they would have deteriorated a lot and probably have toxic chemicals on them after all these years. Sigh.....I actually need to shop.) I just feel incredibly nervous doing it.

As for styles, I have lots of opinions. I really don't like the current fashion color scheme of orange, green, and brown, plus shag rugs...not me, thanks. I'm not into the flowered Fisher-Price thing much either. Brown is okay, and so is blue, and well lots of other colors, like red and what have you, but I seem to have an aversion to Seventies' color schemes. I like clean lines on the furniture, no need for frilly with a boy I guess. My husband seems to breathe a sigh of relief whenever he figures out that I won't be buying everything brand new and PINK like if we had a girl. Since, you know, I'd have to spend a million dollars buying every single cutesy outfit on earth.

As for stuff, a couple of people still have some of my stuff and I'm reluctant to ask for it back from at least one woman. She has my diaper genie and some other stuff, and while she would likely return all of it, no questions----she is also a former infertile, now adoptive mom, who has never really worked through her issues around her infertility. Like for example, even after everything I've gone through, she insists that I am not infertile and never have been, because I'm able to get pregnant however hard it is to stay pregnant. She sees my losses as sad, but doesn't understand the big deal because she views my living kids as outweighing my losses completely. Like they erase everything. Plus, my ovarian failure doesn't matter because it happened after I had two living children. And I of course, disagree. I mostly ignored it because she and I got along in so many other ways, but it does grate on the nerves sometimes.

I also worry that she was so in love with the fantasy of having kids that she now views the reality as not very fulfilling, based on what she has said and done in front of me with her adopted kid. She is frustrated and upset a lot, frankly, I think she expected a Pampers commerical, and when all she got was a normal little girl, who threw tantrums and cried sometimes, and was average instead of baby einstein, she became very very depressed. I remember her actually telling me that they has specifically wanted a little girl because they thought girls were easier to raise than boys, who were messy and loud. I'm like, uh, stereotype much? Some girls are quieter but not all, and hey, any messy women out there? Little kids are always messy, boys or girls. You have to wait until they grow up for it to get easier.

To be honest, I think the thing that bugs me the most is when she gets really pissed off about her kid misbehaving, and starts talking about how much they paid for her and how for that much money they expected better. (Seriously-not exaggerating here.) "We paid $40,000 and this is how she acts!" I keep praying she'll shut the fuck up before her daughter is old enough to figure out what she is saying. I mean, help me out here, but if you were an adoptive parent, wouldn't you very very quickly delete that dollar figure from your brain and never bring it up, certainly not within earshot of your child? Talk about guilt-laying....

I'm thinking I'll just buy a new Diaper Genie instead of talking to her? Yeah, definitely. Maybe I'll get my husband to email her at some point and let her know about the baby. He can deal with her.