Sunday, August 03, 2008

Hi honeybear!

Yes, that is my affectionate name for Mr.Cotta, and yes he now knows that this blog exists....oh good lord this could be a rollercoaster.

I had been having a difficult time with my life for a long long time, not knowing what to do with myself, feeling like a failure at a career, (Thank you ADD!) feeling like a failure at school (ADD, how you stalk me!) and feeling like a failure as a woman, since my fucked up body couldn't seem to maintain a pregnancy or an estrogen level. And yes, certainly a failure as a wife and mother, since I was struggling so much with the basics....I'd rather throw dishes away than wash them, for instance. Not a winning strategy....

Then I discovered blogging, and it seemed like such a wonderful thing---a support group that I could hang out in 24/7 and maybe even contribute to in some way.

Thing is, I knew that I would likely fuck it up in some way at some point, because of course that is the pattern of my life. So I never told my very accomplished, brilliant successful husband that I had a blog, because I assumed that it was going to go down in flames instantly. Why start a problem when it could all be over so fast? And the blog did get fucked up. Two years ago, I started this thing, and only a month or so later deleted everything, and abandoned it, then started all over again.

I figured after that I'd last a month, maybe two. But it kept going, and going, and going.

And here I am tonight, having a heartfelt talk with my husband telling him that I have a blog and I never told him because it was such a stupid little thing at first, and then it was bigger, and then it was amazing, and it has really really helped my self-esteem, and mostly I never told him because I figured that he might think that what I wrote wasn't good enough.

And that would crush me if it was so.

Because even when he exasperates me to no end, I still admire his opinion more than anyone else's.

Funny thing is, he is very happy that I have been doing something creative with my time and not just commenting on other blogs. He told me that he is glad that I do have a blog since he views that as pursuing my passion to help other women who have been through pregnancy and loss. But then again, he *might* just think this blogging thing sucks.

Monday morning he will be reading this I guess, or he may just not. We'll see.

Meantime, say Hi to my Honeybear!


  1. Hi, Mr.Cotta.

    Aurelia, I am freaking impressed you could keep it quiet for so long. I completely told JD like two weeks in, maybe less. Heh, I am so not good at secrets.

  2. Greeting Mr. C. You're wife is an amazing writer and incredibly smart. :) But you knew that, right?

  3. Wow, I had no idea your husband didn't know about your blog -- my husband knew about mine from the very beginning. (although I'm not sure if he ever read it.)

    It might take your hubby months/years to catch up to your current blog posts! ;)

    Good luck with that -- I hope your husband appreciates all the work and effort you have put into your blog and the blogging community over the last few years, and hopefully allowing him to read your words will help to improve the communication in your relationship. I also hope you receive more understanding and support after he reads your blog.


  4. I never told L about my blog. Unfortunately, after about six months or so he found it (another reason I should never let anyone borrow my laptop). He's promised not to read it, but who knows.

  5. Hi to Mr. Cotta! Aurelia, you've definitely taught me a great deal and I'm always amazed how knowledgeable you are about so many things.

    Also, I hope your innards are feeling better and that the kid is recovering from his eyebrow trauma!

  6. P.S. I told Dr. S after several months but he never ever reads it. Lack of interest I guess. :)

  7. Hey Honeybear! (giggle) Steve tried blogging with me, but it's just not his "thing." But he reads and comments in our real life. It's funny when we're out and about and he says, "That is SO something you should blog about."

  8. Hi HB :) Your wife is amazing, her words have helped me through this process more than I can explain.
    Thanks for sharing her with us :)

  9. Hi Mr. Cotta! (waving)

    My dh knows I have a blog & reads it fairly often. Which is why I try not to vent about him too much in it. ; )

  10. hello mr. cotta!

    i also haven't told mr. jb about my blog. now that aurelia has come clean perhaps i will sooner rather than later....

  11. I keep typing, then backspacing, then typing, etc.

    Am I the only one who would never tell my husband about my blog? Granted I don't really have a marriage, but still am I the only one?

  12. I haven't told my husband about my blog either, and I'm not planning to.
    My blog is my space.

    My husband knows his way around a computer, so I'm sure he could find it in a second if he wanted to. And I'm not so diligent at hiding it either.
    Its like a pink elephant in the room, if no one mentions it, it isn't there.

    I think he's glad I'm getting the support I need, without him having to take the brunt of it.

  13. Hey Mr Cotta
    do we get to call you honeybear now too?

    my huz has no interest at all in my blogging. Well some, but not enough to read it. like ever....

  14. Hello Mr. Cotta--

    I just wanted to let you know how amazing your wife is and what a difference she makes in the lives of other people and how she educates and supports and changes the way people view the world through her blog.

    Just in case you didn't read through all the comments on all of the posts and see how wonderful we think your wife is.

  15. The husband has known about mine since the beginning. He doesn't particularly like the things I write about so he doesn't read. It's a good thing, too, because I don't think he be fond of the blogs I've written about him.

    Hope Mr. Cotta enjoys your blog as much as the rest of us.

  16. Hi Mr. Cotta! No way can I say Honeybear. At first I was worried I might have to....Yes, my husband knows about my blog and occasionally posts. Sometimes I wish I had an anonymous outlet, but at at the same time I don't keep secrets well. Oh wait, I should revise, I keep OTHER people's secrets just fine. But my own just tumble out.

  17. Hello Mr. Cotta. And good for you for telling him. Although my blog is my secret. Nobody in real life knows about my blog.

  18. As far as I know Mr. DD, while he knows about my blog, doesn't read it. He only took offense when I mentioned I also author the In-Laws Suck site. Go figure.

  19. Wow. What did he think you were doing?

    My husband knows, but doesn't read. His parents do though. And his sister.