Saturday, August 09, 2008

This is interfering with my sleep now

You know when you think about something, but you can't seem to resolve it immediately, and then it comes out in your dreams?

Well, for many years now, I have had sleep issues, bad bad sleep issues, and no, not the kind that happen when you drink too much wine, just strange nightmares, where I wake up yelling and flailing, and my poor husband has to figure out why I am pounding his chest and screaming at him at 2 am. These dreams get worse at crisis points in my life, and better during peaceful times, but they don't change much in terms of content. In my dreams, something bad is always happening.

It's sort of based on my real life situation, a life in which the only good things that have ever happened to me are my husband and my children. I have some really good, really true friends (and more since I started blogging) but other than that---not one thing on earth has ever been good. Now, I'm not peaceful and happy with the family all the time, as you guys know. My kids run amok, my husband and I argue, but hell, that's normal, right? So my terror at the possibility of losing that normalcy and returning back to the bad place is always just below the surface.

I have been nightmare free, or at least, free from the nightmares where I wake up screaming ever since Julius came home. It has been heavenly to say the least.

Until last night. Last night, I had a dream that after Julius was born by c-section, that the doctors came to me and said, "He's not done, we have to put him back in you to finish him up." So I agreed and they put him back in my uterus. A few weeks after that---we have an ultrasound, discover he is dead, and the Doctor turns to me and says, "He will be stillborn, you've screwed up again." I start screaming in the dream, and the word STILLBORN starts floating in the air past me, over and over and over again, gigantic letters I can't seem to get away from, following me around.

I woke up in a cold sweat, and checked on the baby; he was still breathing, just sleeping peacefully, happily. I'm still freaked, the dream feels so real that reality feels false.

For years my husband and I had a routine where he would gently wake me if he saw that I was having a nightmare, and it would be just enough that I would "reset" and go back to sleep and have a different dream. But since Julius has been home, I haven't needed it, and now, I do again. I hate that. I don't want to depend on him to save me asleep or awake.

I know some of you may wonder why I would worry about two now elderly adoptive parents and maybe you would think that they simply would not bother to look for me, but I think that in my case, it's more the issues around seeing them again. My adoptive brother for one, who thrived on being abusive and drunk and living off the dole would not exactly be a fun encounter. The confrontations, the endless narcissism to negotiate, the demands for attention, the public scenes, their endless parade of issues to deal with....

I'm finally happy, and I don't want to go back there. I want to sleep at night.

Thanks for listening. Truly.


  1. I sympathize so deeply with this (I'm newish here & haven't commented yet so now: de-lurking..). I've always had similar nightmares in which bad things happen and the bit of certainty I've gotten to in life disappears. And I've also been having nightmares about losing my baby since she was born. I find these later ones even worse than the ones before because I have what I've wanted for so long and yet deep inside I am still unable to feel sure of being happy.

  2. I don't wonder about why you're worrying about your adoptive parents. Not at all. I get it. When you've been subjected to that much abuse in your life, it wouldn't matter if they were both in a coma or invalids right now - the thought of seeing them would scare the shit out of you.

    I'm sorry the nightmares are back. That really sucks.

  3. christ. it's hard to be a person. harder by far for some of us. i'm so sorry... wishing you better sleep, and that this information is removed from the Web soon.

  4. Your birth mother, in her helpful manner, didn't happen to list your biological father (is that the right term?) in her need for correct genealogy?

    Dead child(ren) nightmares just suck. I hate them.

  5. I've had more vivid (or maybe just more memorable) dreams since ZGirl came home. I think it's because I'm getting more than an hour of sleep at a time.

    I would guess that's what's happening to you, too. We get more "relaxed" and look what happens: scary dreams.

  6. I am sorry. It must've been awful.

  7. I hope you find a way back to peaceful slumber again. And I hope that you are able to get that information suppressed; that really seems like an invasion of privacy to me.

    Hang in there, sweetie.

  8. Do you by chance tend to sleep on your left side? I have noticed a strong correlation between nightmares and sleeping on my left side and "regular" dreams on my back or right side. It sounds a bit strange, but I "completely conjecture" that it has something to do with blood flow differences in the brain while habitually laying on one side...