Tuesday, September 30, 2008

more fat julius and the fatcheeked brothers and the fat bailout

Darling fat sweet Julius went for his four month checkup today and got his shots, and cried poor thing. He is however, quite lovely and huge, 18 pounds, and 27 inches. 90-95% percentile or something. His head is still 50th percentile but when I asked the doctor about it she was unconcerned. Apparently his head is still growing and his body will grow into it and be in proportion later, like when he's a toddler.

More of a problem? His head is flat on one side, seriously flat. We've been referred to the helmet clinic at Sick Kids. Our Ped doesn't think he will need a helmet, but he's borderline so we're going to get them to measure. Fuck, fuck fuck fuck I hate this.

Onwards and upwards, am working on the wishlist for the architect, and madly trying to get the kids back and forth to the testing and get the homework they missed done. And fill out our forms---very hard to do. Sigh....

For each kid, we have a background questionnaire from the psychologist with medical, social and family history, plus, the BASC-2 for parents and teachers, and the Connors rating scales for parents and teachers. Kaz also filled out one of his own for adolescents. The teachers have filled them out, and now I have to do the parent ones. (For some reason, I'm the only parent doing this---we've talked about it, as you can see from the post below, but really gotten nowhere, so I'm doing it all.)

At the testing centre, they both did the WISC for IQ testing in children, as well as various psychomotor tests to determine fine motor skills, gross motor skills, attention, comprehension, etc.. When we get the results, I'll let you know exactly which ones to give you a better idea of what would happen if you took your child in.

One idea we are looking into is the Cogmed working memory training system. I don't know much about it yet, but the basic idea is that if you do these brain training exercises it helps with working memory (like how you keep phone numbers in your brain until you can write them down, or a list of things you need to get in another room.) It's supposed to complement ADD drugs as opposed to replacing them, but what the hell, I don't have enough to do so why not add this to the mix....

And now, a little note from our sponsor, Mr.Cotta. (Since he provides the fridge full of food I snack on, he's the blog sponsor, okay?)

He is a finance guy and knows exactly what is happening in the markets these days, and although I have a business degree, I'm not quite the guru he is, so I promised to pass this on and ask you all to call your #$%^#%^ senators and #$%^#$ congressional reps and PASS the #$%^# bailout package before the entire world banking structure falls apart.

I know that you guys no longer believe Bush or Paulsen, or anyone else leading your country since they tend to cry Chicken Little every twenty seconds, so could you all just believe my husband that this is a big frickin deal, and the sky really is falling and they really do need that much money to fix this mess? Unlike every other time he said so, Bush isn't kidding this time. He actually has it right, for once in his life. Amazing isn't it? Even a stopped clock is right twice a day, tootles. And it's got everything to do with you on Main Street, because if those banks go under---dude they loan the main street banks and VISA and your pension funds their money, and those guys directly affect you. If these big guys go under then you won't be able to renew your normal home mortgage, or get working capital for your small business, or do anything.at.all.

We'll all be sitting around all day, even the prudent ones.

For a nice plain language explanation of why they need the money, go see Bitch PhD. She interviewed a banker and got this out of him. My banker interview, Mr.C., just foamed at the mouth so all I have are swear words....sorry.

Now go call.

Sunday, September 28, 2008


Why I'll never get elected to public office:

Scene: I'm at the psychologists office waiting for the kids to finish their psychoeducational testing. They are busy sitting in front of computer screens and writing and drawing.

From: Aurelia
Sent Using: Peer-to-Peer
Message status:delivered
To: Mr.Cotta

This questionnaire is so long there is no way I can do it all here. I'll have to fill it all out tonight so you will be able to see it as well.
Remind me again, which one sets fires? And is it the other kid who tortures small animals or is that the same one?

From: Mr.Cotta
Sent Using: Peer-to-Peer
Message status:delivered
To: Aurelia

(grin) I'm sure you are having fun!

From: Aurelia
Sent Using: Peer-to-Peer
Message status:delivered
To: Mr.Cotta

Of course you know raising wounded geniuses are my ultimate life goal. This place makes me wet baby.

Now tell me honestly. What's wrong with a little dark humour to relieve the tension when you are quaking in fear that your child will turn out to be damaged in some way?

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

So far behind...

I am so far behind I will never catch up. And now I will have to make ice cream for all of you!?!?!

No dammit, I refuse. I have my limits. Luckily I can afford to say no, but what about poor women?

I can see it now---the new workfare.

Sunday, September 21, 2008


Now this is funny. I'm getting good at it though. High Scores!

*For my American friends, a Conservative cabinet minister made a black humour crack about the listeriosis scandal in Canada, saying that it was like the death of a thousand cuts, a thousand cold cuts. He thought it was private. Not so much. Anyway, I'm betting he regrets that conversation now. Especially when the grieving relatives slam him.

updated: holy crap....the tories really don't have much respect for grieving families like the family of the guy on the bus do they? Firing the crazy candidate is a bit late people....

So my question is, at some point if enough Tory candidates resign, will there be enough MPs left to form a government if they won? Seriously, the buggers are dropping like flies at this point.

Saturday, September 20, 2008


The internet broke again and I spend all day fixing it with the help of the good citizens of India. And in case you were wondering, I fixed the whole internet, not just my corner of it.

And I did it backwards, in heels, dammit.

Without a nanny. Who went home sick at noon. Leaving me to fend for myself preparing the house for my sister-in-law to visit and see Julius for the first time. This btw is the sil who does not like me, but makes an effort because of my husband. Same for me towards her. And she and Mr.Cotta have been fighting about Mr.Cotta's brother P. and it's all really straight to hell in a handbasket.....so the family was gathered tonight to try and gingerly get along and make up and be nice and supportive.

And it worked, sort of. My estrogen is incredibly low, almost non-existent so I'm on edge like a madwoman, but I kept it in check and we all tidied up and stuff. Even so, I think that everyone we've met is freaked about something, like schools, or money, or politics.

Money mostly, this financial craziness on the markets has got everyone on tenterhooks, everyone worried, even when they don't have any real worries. Like us, for example? We're okay because we have concentrated on paying off debt. Credit cards, lines of credit, and the mortgage, all gone bit by bit, then we have saved up some money in cash, and we have income from the business, more income than before, simply because we paid down the debt and I'm not making interest payments to the evil banks. A far cry from four years ago when I sometimes had to pay the mortgage with credit cards, and be very very careful.

When it gets down to it, we don't have much invested because we didn't have any real money to invest, apart from a little in RRSPs. (retirement plans in Canada, for my US readers) And most of that is in boring stuff like bonds and things.

Meanwhile, I'm continually amazed by the otherwise sensible people I know who have huge debts and then in the last few weeks, took whatever money they had and tried to play the market and short sell risky stocks. (They figured they could beat the market, make a killing and pay off their losses. *Eyeroll*) Or others who had large amounts of stock and investments and had never even thought of paying down any debts. Just lived like they were having fun forever. Now---they are wiped out financially and worried about paying the bills. They can't cover their margin calls, much less the groceries.

And those people, are now infecting others with their fear. Like some friends of mine who have government jobs, steady income, guaranteed pensions---they are FINE, but are freaking out by association. Others who are retired, no debt, and were very conservatively invested and have no losses are also freaking out by association. I mean, some people are recession proofed in every economy yet their perception is that they are not. Interesting how human psychology works, eh?

I personally am not going to let this thing affect me. It's bad enough when your hormones are on a rollercoaster, but when you let other people's finances affect you? Nope, no way. If we get into trouble, then I'll change my tune, but until then, I'm just going to feel bad on behalf of others.

So how many of you are in trouble? Little trouble? Lots? Enough to screw up your fertility funding? Your houses? Your health?

Friday, September 19, 2008

terrible horrible no good very bad week

My life is like this book this week.

I was cutting Julius' nails with a tiny set of nail clippers and I almost cut off his thumb. Seriously, blood everywhere, screaming baby, hysterical mother....I know I should just chew his nails off with my teeth, but they are so hard now, so difficult to chew through, I was almost tearing them. Poor thing, he's healing, but I feel guilty as hell.

Mac is having trouble in school again. He just can't sit still ever ever ever. If you ever want to see a living example of ADHD, he's it toots. He gets up at dinner and runs around like Helen Keller before Annie Sullivan taught her sign and got through to her. It takes hours to do homework, not because he doesn't know the answers, but because he can't sit still long enough to write them down!

I know he needs help, and it's just a brain thing and no big deal, but this week, I feel like a failure because we had to go have an appointment with the psychologist and lay it all out. Like I'm finally admitting that I passed on my crappy genes and gave my kid something bad.

Same with Kaz, but in his case---the work at his new school, (needs a name, how about St.Catholic Boys School? St.Cbs for short), anyway the work at his new school is incredibly easy compared to his old private school, mostly because at St.Cbs they are trying to amalgamate the kids from public school, who are way way behind, with the kids from private school who are way way ahead. So their solution seems to be to just go with the lowest common denominator....drives me crazy. If the public school kids can't keep up, then they should just get tutored. Dumbing down the work just so they can ease the transition is not the solution. Which makes me sound like a snot I guess, but here I am agonizing over how my kid will need extra help and I don't want to label him and meanwhile he's done all of this work before.

Like in Grade 3 for fuck's sake!

So why am I feeling guilty over my kid having LD/ADD?

And why should I have to go through this much crap to get him the challenging work he deserves?


Also, I got a speeding ticket. For only going a teensy bit over the limit, on a straightaway empty section of road, with no sidewalks, and no cross streets.

My toilet broke, and I have to buy a new one, (we tried the cheap repair, but really, it's no good in the end). I hate spending money on this house when we are tearing it down.

Speaking of house reno, I haven't sent my wish list to the architect at this point....and I have to or I just gave him a large deposit for nothing. Trouble is, I keep changing my mind about what kind of house to build. Ultramodern design? Traditional Victorian? Basic Suburban Stucco? Faux French Provincial? Monolithic Concrete Brutalism? Meanwhile the roof is going to leak again this winter, possibly falling in.....and the floor is falling apart what with all the nails we have to remove due to nail pops.

The internet broke and I spent one entire day on the phone to India trying to fix it.

Then I had another argument with my friend Maddie about schools and IEPs and stigma and I swear---there are some things that we just disagree on and should never ever speak of. Ever!

And I'm on a new diet now. The no wine, limited treats, and no overeating diet. Like only one breakfast and one lunch and one dinner per day. And no more icing out of the can. No fair!

So I am grumpy. And very very very behind on everything I want to do.

P.S. Did I mention that I got a hot flash yesterday? Yep...fuck, my ovarian failure is back, so much for breastfeeding holding it off......

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The PR move we can't fall for

This announcement about extending maternity benefits for self-employed people in Canada is designed to get women voters to like Stephen Harper, but before you all go breaking out the champagne, there are a few glitches.

Other bloggers have said that the idea is a winner, and from a PR perspective, I agree, but the practical issues with implementation mean that hardly anyone will ever get a dime, and it may be the downfall of the program.

I've already said it elsewhere, but in case the comment gets eaten or it gets drowned out:

The mat leave plan announcement is smart in terms of public perception, but it actually won't help too many women overall unfortunately. Between the practical issues of how to determine an income level for benefits and the huge number of exclusions there will be---well, there's a reason it was never done before.

For example, adoptive mothers will never qualify for this, because they rarely ever know the exact time their new baby is coming. They won't be able to apply six months in advance. Same for moms of preemies and high risk babies. *

When the OMA negotiated a mat leave benefit for Doctors they picked a flat rate formula that was easy to understand, and had no sign up restrictions. There was a practical reason for that.

What Harper should've announced is simply a maternity leave program that all women get regardless of the employment status prior to birth. It would dramatically improve health outcomes for newborns and all mothers. From a public health point of view, it's the nirvana.

But he didn't do that because he's all about the headlines, and to hell with actual real women and children.

*What I didn't write there, is that self-employed women who have had miscarriages, or stillbirths or neonatal deaths will not qualify either, the same way most women on bedrest get screwed by the current system. I'm trying to get it changed....but that will require a government who actually cares about maternal-fetal infant health.

Monday, September 15, 2008

better, or maybe just less hungover

I normally don't drink very much and while I was pregnant drank nothing. Then I discovered that Julius got gas when I had a glass of wine and then breastfed him so that was out.

Well, then the little darling got some Zantac and I could drink a glass of wine sometimes in the evening while he slept calmly. I was like a grownup adult me!

Saturday night my husband and I went out with some friends, and had a great time and enjoyed ourselves. Too much. Very very sore head people. Very tired. The baby woke up several times and I had to get up at 6:30 am with him. And could not sleep in for a nap later: And the worst news of all:


I made this terrible discovery around the same time that I discovered that chocolate has calories.

Fuck shit damn I am bitter.

Oh and Krista has done me the favour of posting a good political post for the day, so I'll just link to her like the lazy chick that I am. My only addition: I have met Stephane Dion in person and spoken to him on the phone before. He is a good good person and he wouldn't be proposing the Green Shift plan if he wasn't sure it was a good idea. (And FWIW, my pro-business, corporate suit wearing husband thinks it's a good plan too.)

Harper on the other hand, well, my instincts say he's a creep. Like that guy in high school who stood just a little too close and breathed just a little too heavily and ended up hanging around the window to the girls' change room just a little too long. And all the women I know at school drop off agree, even the ones who like the Tories, say Harper is a bit off. Shuddersville....I know there should be policy reasons, blah blah blah, but honestly, my intuition is my best friend.

Except when it comes to diets of course...

Okay, I have to stop thinking about that guy. Quick, anyone know of anyone calorie-free wines out there?

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Mashed potatoes

I actually got on facebook today and friended a gazillion people and now I've been waiting all day for them to friend me back.

Some of them have, but some haven't mostly because they are not insanely compulsively checking and rechecking their email and facebook pages like ummmm some people might do.

Not that I would be that kind of compulsive person.....

No no no no instead I"m that kid in the corner eating mashed potatoes and watching old TV shows and assuming that everyone is rejecting me......

There is a reason that I never ask to be on anyone's blogroll. It's because I know for sure that you will say NO.

I was so very grateful that Mel started her giant blogroll and added people without asking because really if anyone had required me to ask----it would have been impossible.

Can you tell that I'm blogging drunk 2nite?

In other news, I am fat. My breastfeeding baby is the size of a whale but no weight loss has occurred on my bod. Unlike every other pregnancy I'm just not losing the size. I'm eating less.

I officially apologize to the world for everything I've ever said, even by total accident, about fatness. I do not care how I got here, but I am the largest postpartum woman on earth. And today I made a decision.

I will look good regardless of the number on my clothing size. I will have great hair and wear cool jeans and sexy shirts and I don't care if it's a waste of money to buy bigger clothes because I intend on losing weight. I will look like a MILF even if I don't want to actually be a MILF.

And to the friend who walked right past me in Starbucks this week and didn't recognize me because my muffin top was the size of twelve loaves of freakin' bread? Your loss.

I still rock.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Friday photo post

Cute picture of Julius, hmm? I'm trying some news stuff out with the camera, on the manual setting, not sure what the hell I'm doing actually, but my model loves to pose anyway.


Political Note of the Day: Never ever fuck with a grieving parent. You will always lose. A dead child, (regardless of age at the time of death) will always trump a 1000 lawn signs.


I'm getting the kid's assessed next week, and I figure I'll write a bit about it, for those of you who do not know how the process works----and by the way, the school is a bit more helpful thank goodness!

This photo below was taken two weeks ago, and it has improved only slightly since. Still trying to make the kid do tummy time and jolly jumper time so that he will move his head around. As you can see this isn't just flathead, it's head stuff off to the side....crap. Anyway, we'll keep working on it, right?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

New schools

(Dudes, I know that some of you are interested in politics, and some are not, so what I'm going to do until the election, is post a little paragraph or link or something about it everyday, and if you don't want to read it then scroll down and comment about other things, and if you do want to read it, then go for it, and comment away.)

Big Fat Mouth opinion of the day: Elizabeth May should be in the debates, period. This is getting stupid people....just let her in and give it a rest. I'm not a Green supporter, hell, between the SUV I now drive, (34 mpg btw), and my incessant use of plastic bags, they likely think I'm a she-devil, but so what? I'm trying in other ways! So let her in, because lots of us want to hear what she has to say. What's the worst that can happen? That we might have to hear from the only female leader of a party, and *gasp* listen to her?

Other linky thing I saw: Guess what? Turns out that Stephane Dion has a hearing disability, which is why his pronunciation in english is so bad. Poor man has been hacked by the media over and over again and it turns out that he has a disability! I wonder if this will change the coverage he gets?


You know how new baby mamas always think that the newborn stage is the most stressful, and that preschool dropoff is terrifying and the worst thing ever?

Weeelllll, these things never get any better, in case you are wondering.

I've been having huge stress attacks over Kaz going to his new school, which is basically a high school (Grades 7-12) and my husband acts like it's no biggie, but to be honest, he's kind of stressed but mostly excited about it all. I think he'd rather go to this school and relive all his memories than send his son! It's adorable, but it does kind of ignore the reality that this is a very different era. Sigh.

Thing is, we're once again kind of fighting about it all. (Hey, you didn't think that just because he knew about this blog that I'd be any less honest about things, did you?)

Firstly, I don't think Kaz, at twelve, is old enough to go on the subway by himself. Neither does his pediatrician. And all of his schoolmates at this age, either go with a large crowd of buddies on the subway, or they go on buses, or parents drive them and pick them up. And guess what? My husband, based on his own experience in life, in another city, thinks that he should go alone all by himself and get home alone. I think that is insane and I'm happy to drive him, but I think again, nostalgia is driving this, and frankly, this city is too large and too dangerous to risk letting my tiny little kid get on the TTC. Not yet, not alone.

He also wants Kaz to go to school with no LD support and no mention of anything to anyone at the school, and I want to get it taken care of quietly with nothing on his permanent record but lots of tutoring and extra help in class so that he stays on top of school assignments and doesn't get behind. ADD medications are great, but they don't work alone. He still needs help here and there.

Plus, the new school is driving me crazy with the special ed teacher wanting them to do an IEP or get something on paper official so that she can stick a label on his head, mostly because for this school the entire concept of LD accomodations is new and she wants to have something to back herself up when the teachers and administration think that all of these kids are faking it to get something extra. And honestly, I'd rather stab myself in the heart than wreck my kids future by labelling him. The "era of stigma" is not over. It's still in full flight and people like me, are well aware of it. I will never ever let my son's future opportunities be harmed because some bureaucracy decrees that all students be labelled and classified. As far as I'm concerned, that's as bad as it gets. Much worse than what was done to me, where my needs were never met.

So I am trying to get him another assessment, since the old one is five years in the past and we need to update it, and have a meeting tomorrow to go over it all and find a solution with the school.

Plus, Mac needs to get assessed and my husband has finally agreed to it, and please God let this work out.

Maybe this is why I have an issue with Palin. She makes raising a kid with special needs sound like sunshine and puppies are blowing out her ass and that her husband or her can handle it all easy-peasy--and frankly, that's just not my life experience.

It's just not realistic, regardless of the diagnosis. I don't care how much caffeine she drinks. She's either in denial, or full of crap.

Ooops, sorry about adding in politics to my mommyranting! Maybe they really do go together, eh?

Monday, September 08, 2008

More Grrrrr......

Stephen Harper and his merry band of white male traditional twits are at it again....slamming adoptive families and infertile couples that is.

The federal election is upon us in Canada, and with it comes much mudslinging, but usually family life is off-limits. We tend to stick with the issues. Rarely, we might notice a family picture on a brochure, or politicians making jokes about something their kid did. The media tends to go along with it, and only makes mention of major life events, like someone getting married, etc...

But now, with this quote,

“I don't know St├ęphane Dion all that well,” Mr. Harper said when reporters asked whether he feels the Liberal Leader is a family man.

“But I presume that he's been married a long time, has children. I presume he's a family man also.”

Harper has crossed the line, and if you read the comments on that article, you'll see how sick the implications have become. I blogged about this before, I have become incredibly furious at the insinuation that adoptive kids aren't really family, or that international adoptees and non-white adoptees are somehow less Canadian, less worthy of the status of white biological "ordinary" kids.

You see Stephane Dion, the leader of the Liberal Party, admitted a few years ago in the Globe and Mail that he and his wife have gone through infertility and they then adopted their daughter from Peru. From Chatelaine:

"But there was a missing element in their carefully planned life – children. When they discovered that they couldn't have a child of their own, they went to Peru and adopted Jeanne, the daughter, now 19, they still call their Inca Princess. While Dion did the legwork – staying in Peru for months at a time to fulfill adoption requirements – Krieber stayed in Montreal and ultimately organized their marriage, which had never been part of their plan but became a necessary convenience for the adoption process."

Because of that quote Stephen Taylor implied that the conservatives were going to try to contrast Harper's "ordinary" family.

Like, adoptive families aren't ordinary.

And infertile families aren't ordinary.

And childless families aren't ordinary.

And non-white and mixed race families aren't ordinary.

And families with two mommies or two daddies must not be normal either, eh?

And here they are with their stupid "Family Man" ads trying to say that if you don't have a family, you aren't capable of being the Prime Minister? Nice vicious attack on the childless voters. Seriously, so they actually think that a US strategy will work up here? Especially when they keep trying to play the pro-lifers and pretend they will enact an abortion law? (Yes that's right, they hate abortion, and adoption and are trying to use codewords to hack at their opponents manhood. Nice. And Harper doesn't even know why the Dions were infertile, but the implication is there that Harper has mighty strong sperm and this will make him great prime minister. LOL )

If you are Canadian, just know that when you vote, Stephen Harper only thinks you matter if you live in a Leave it to Beaver family. And only if you had your kids, the "God-endorsed Conservative Way", by having sex. No orgasm sex thank you very much.

They are the ordinary family people you know. Godly and such.

Please pass this post around to everyone you know, just in case you have Canadian readers. I can't believe these boneheads.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Favourite chocolate cake

I've been trying to figure out why I have such an emotional response to Sarah Palin (you know, besides the part where she thinks I should be dead....) and I'm still puzzling over it. I'm getting there, I think.

I'm getting nowhere writing about Georgia. Maybe tomorrow. So apropos of Marie Antoinette, I've decided to eat cake instead. Or be a peasant. Or whatever.

The picture above is the one I baked for Kaz on his birthday.

It is a traditional oil cake, invented many years ago when money was scarce and eggs and milk were expensive. Nowadays, it's a yummy and moist alternative for the lactose intolerant like me, or if someone has an egg allergy.

Chocolate Cake

(fits an 8 inch square or round pan, double the recipe for a 9 inch by 13 inch pan)

I don't know if cake flour or all-purpose flour is better---there is a big smudge on the hand-written page, so that is information lost to time. I personally always use Fry's cocoa, but I suppose any would do.

1 1/2 cups flour
1 cup sugar
3 tablespoons cocoa
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt

Sift or mix these ingredients with a fork into an ungreased pan. I line mine with parchment paper.

Make three holes in the pile of dry ingredients.

Now, in each hole, place one of these:

1/3 cup of salad oil
1 tablespoon vinegar
1 teaspoon vanilla

Pour one cup of of cold water over all, and mix well with a fork. This is the fun part where the baking soda and vinegar meet and it looks like a volcano!

Bake 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Cool and frost.

Saturday, September 06, 2008


I'll write something better tomorrow about my feelings about my anniversary, but for now I'm tired and cranky and wondering something.

I was pretty shocked to see this word used to describe the Republican VP's husband, and figured it must be because US media types had no idea how ignorant it is. I assumed that they have rarely met a first Nations person or perhaps knew nothing about the policy issues. Supposedly Presidents and politicians in the US rarely bother with aboriginal issues, and it certainly doesn't appear anywhere in their policy platforms. And then Palin used it herself, to describe her own husband, and seriously, I just about fell over right there and then. Using "that word" to describe any First Nations person here, would be an automatic death sentence for a politician. It's not quite the n-word--but it's not okay.

Turns out that in Alaska, Wikipedia says it's not a big deal. Are they right? Here we say Inuit, and the equivalent first nation there would be Yupik, but the term Alaska Native also might fit.

So what's up dudes? How did a word the rest of the world thinks is disgusting and pejorative become so normal in the US?

Do any of my US readers know about aboriginal issues and terms? Are any of you native? Have you ever seen a reservation, or a reserve? I am really really curious about this.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

For all of you

Thank you thank you thank you for each of your comments and lovely kindnesses. A special thank you goes out to Lisa B for coming with me to Matthew's gravesite, tidying up the grass that had grown over it, and helping me remove the dirt that had fallen into the letters on his headstone.

I want it to look nice---I can't do much for him, but I can do that.

Toronto Life has a feature on bereavement blogs and newer traditions around mourning this month. You can see the cover here, but unfortunately it won't be online for awhile. Go buy it if you can, it's a really really good article.

That's all for now folks, I have to go look over some preliminary plans for my new house. So far, I'm not sure the architect understood what we wanted, but then again, I haven't emailed the man in two weeks, so he probably thought we fell off the earth!

Time to get the pencils out....

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Ten years ago today

Ten years ago today, my son died.

You can read about it here and here and here.

I'd like to say that I'm able to dedicate my entire day to thinking about him and looking at his pictures, but I can't do much because the living kids are demanding my attention.

Mac's first day of school is today, and Kaz left for some sort of male bonding thing with school, (all the grade 7's go away for a few days to get to know each other and start off the school year.) And Julius wants to be fed and cuddled and hugged and play with me.

I am going to go visit his grave now, and tidy it up, and leave some flowers.

Sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes it feels like a million years ago. Mostly, it just feels like it happened to someone else.

I never thought I would terminate a pregnancy. No one ever does I guess.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Why I keep blogging about this

So, my newest bet is that in actuality, Sarah Palin is trying to be the new Michelle Duggar.

Frankly, I think that she has confused the Vice-Presidency of the United States with the Jerry Springer Show, or maybe she thinks it's some sort of new reality series?

So now that we know that Bristol is the one who is pregnant right now, I'm left with a couple of conclusions to choose from.

1) Irish Twins: Bristol is the mother of both, and got pregnant very very quickly after having Trig. So what about the 5 months pregnant? We all know that the 2ww means that she is really 4.5 months along, and the way teenagers ovulate she could have conceived no problem right away. A week leeway here and there---and who knows what the truth is. Maybe the family started the fake pregnancy because Bristol and her boyfriend have no health insurance and so the baby would have no health insurance if she was the mom. And the last thing on earth anyone wants is for a kid with Down's Syndrome to have no health insurance in the United States.

So the possibility exists that a current Governor of the US and possibly the next Vice President of the United States has committed insurance fraud and faked a birth certificate.

2) Bristol is pregnant now, but is not the mother of Trig, meaning that abstinence education really is a terrible idea. And her mother is an ass for accepting the Veep nomination under these circumstances and exposing her to this hell. If Sarah is the mother of Trig, then I go back to my original post on this subject, and she took extremely dangerous risks with her baby when she travelled 22 hours back to Alaska while in preterm labour with broken water.

And that leads to the conclusion that either Sarah Palins is an utterly incompetent mother who didn't take care of her pregnancy, or that even after four pregnancies she is too stupid to know that broken water and preterm labour mean that she should immediately go to a hospital. If her Doctor told her it was okay to fly, then he/she should be sued for malpractice, since so far, I can't find one perinatologist who thinks that is anything but insane. (And fwiw, I asked my own Doc, who laughed and wondered aloud if Palin was trying to take the roundabout way out and end the baby's life without getting an official abortion, because really, what she did---is that medically ludicrous.)

So the US is left with a VP candidate who is either a crook or an idiot. Lovely.

Obama's response was not only to be expected, but in my opinion, totally appropriate. Not because his mom was 18 when she had him, but because he has daughters himself, and they may be small now, but they are about to grow up and be teens in the middle of his White House term. You just know that since TV reporters began noticing the kids of Presidents the single biggest nightmare of every political strategist is a First Daughter getting into trouble, whether that means drugs, or pregnancy, or bad boyfriends, or God only knows what.

Patti Davis gave Reagan's advisors ulcers, and Chelsea scared the crap out of everyone, not to mention the Bush twins. So yeah, Obama is right to worry. The Secret Service has their jobs cut out for them.

So why do I keep going on about Palin?

Because this woman and her pro-life buddies think that women like Cecily and I should be dead, and have told me so, in comments and by email. I respect Sarah Palin's choice to not have an abortion, but she sure doesn't respect my choice to have one.

She thinks live women should just have died. So fuck her, the gloves are off.

Tomorrow is the ten year anniversary of Matthew's death, and this week is very difficult for me. Next week on the 7th, it is the fourth anniversary of Georgia's death. I admit it, I'm sensitive. I just can't help but contrast the care I took with my pregnancy with him, even when we didn't know if we were going to terminate, with her casual disregard for her baby's welfare. I was told to never be further away than 15 minutes from a hospital that could handle a high-risk pregnancy and had a level 3 NICU. And I did that, even when it meant cancelling work obligations and being unable to take care of my older son.

We in the infertililty/baby loss community have sacrificed so so much to have our families and she, a woman who condemns me and trumpets her pro-life beliefs, can't do the same? And I'm supposed to hold my tongue and not jump on the scandal?

No way.