Wednesday, February 07, 2007

A great way of putting it

Catnip has put up probably the best post EVER called Nitpicking a Nightmare, on the subject of trauma and expressing yourself and what we need to recover. The best quote of all,

"People who willfully ignore the trauma of others because it makes them uncomfortable to read the words, to look at the pictures, to think about the horrors, live in a world of dangerous illusions. What will they do when those horrors arrive on their doorsteps? Maybe then they'll understand why punctuation is the last thing that will be on their minds."

This is what Dear Abby needs to know, this is what the media and other bloggers need to know, and this is what we all need to deal with, whether we blog, write a diary, find a support group, or we talk with our friends.

This blog is my AA group, or in my case, DBA (dead babies anonymous) (AA - adoptees anonymous, IA - infertility anonymous, etc. etc.) I know it makes some people feel uncomfortable, but I can't help that, I need to express myself. One day at a time I'm trying to crawl out of a hole, a deep one. I'm using lots of tools and this is one of with it.

Catnip, you KICK ASS. *Smooches, dahling*


  1. Good post I agree. We're all here for the support in each others experiences and it's pretty sad when people can't see "the story" because they are too pathetic to see past the spelling etc. When you're writing something from the heart, often you just write without looking up to check things like that. Its like opening a shaken up can of Coke, at the first chance, it just has to get out.

  2. The problem as I see it is that being in DBA, you have to be careful not to shut out the realities of the world that the "normal" people have. It's easy to sit in our protected little group and nod in agreement. It's far more difficult to remember when you were a part of "normal" and cut those people a little slack.

    What will they do when those horrors arrive on their doorsteps? Hopefully they won't. Statistically, they PROBABLY won't. And if they fall on the wrong side of statistics, they'll muddle through just like you and I.

  3. Yet another great post. Thanks for sharing that quote, it's comforting. Glad to see that you are feeling a bit better.

  4. Catherine,

    The original link went to an article about an Iraqi war vet, who feels like he is abnormal and rare, but he isn't.
    As for DBA, all I'm going to say is that statistics can be misleading. Yes, the total numbe rof stillbirths is lower than we feel, but quite often Doctors will fudge the numbers so that a birth at 21 weeks is shown at 19 weeks, threfore, no record, no existence, no tracking by doctors, "just a miscarriage". I've been trying for years to get all pregnancies and outcomes tracked, because this will show the true incidence, and justify more research dollars, but I get fights from government tooth and nail.
    I was about to give up, until I discovered that in my kids' Grade 1 class, 14 out of 16 moms had gone through infertility, miscarriage, stillbirths, neonatal deaths, and/or extreme high-risk births.
    Sadly, we aren't rare, we are the "new normal". And we may have muddled through, but lots of women don't, they give up. They lose their jobs, become depressed, attempt suicide, (4 in my support group alone), get divorced.

  5. Beautifully said, Aurelia.

    I wish people could understand some of the complete and total heartbreak that people have to deal with and could respect their right to say what they need to to help heal.

    Nothing I have read here has made me uncomfortable. Some of it has made me sad because it is unfair. But sad and uncomfortable are totally different.

    Keep on writing, I will keep on reading.

  6. Everyone should have the freedom to express themselves. I firmly believe that by squishing down feelings and preventing the expression of feelings is how so many people end up with depression(I know there are chemical reasons as well and it's not just a one sided story).I think finding an appropriate forum to express your feelings (as you do and as the veteran did in Catnip's blog entry) is an incredibly responsible and self-enhancing thing to do and the only way through traumatic experiences. If you don't express profound feelings of sadness/frustration appropriately, they will come out in inappropriate situations - far better to blog than end up screaming at some unkowing stranger in the supermarket.

    Keep blogging, Aurelia, and keep talking in your other appropriate forums. If people don't like it then all they have to do is just.stop. reading.

  7. Yes! The need to express, the crawling out of the hole... all of it... you've voiced exactly why I've started my blog, too. And it comes with the added bonus of creating a cool little support group of awesome women who understand.

  8. How are you doing my friend? I am a bit worried about you since you haven't posted in awhile. Perhaps I should drop you an email to check in. Hope you are well.