I am a freak of monstrous proportions

I've spent the last 4 days afraid to post anything because I worried that no matter what I do, I'll offend someone, somewhere. I'm unusual because I enjoy having conversations with people I disagree with. I love debate, and learning new things, and challenging assumptions. Nothing turns my crank like a good brawl, verbal style. Or a good old-fashioned weepfest. I've dealt with the tragedies in my life by making sick awful jokes for yeeeaaars. It was either that or run screaming down the street ripping my hair out, as I've said many times.

I like to think that we can talk about these things, respectfully, possibly still disagree afterwards, but move on, and blogkiss and make up. I'll read you, you read me, and slowly but surely we blur the respective lines on our drawn in the sand positions, right?

I worry that I believe it but others, not so much...it's why I've never signed up with that myblog service. I don't want normal people to know that a member of DBA has lurked on their blog. I actually have different online identities, just because some people become so incredibly uncomfortable with my "other" life, they won't speak to me about politics or entertainment or medical stuff. They just back away slowly, desperately wanting to avoid me.

So, on this blog, you are welcome to say whatever, ask whatever, do whatever, as long as you do it with respect in your tone, and no-one suggests my kids or me should be hurt, harmed, etc. as some of those pro-laffers do, okay? (Yes, really, they think no woman ever risks her life in pregnancy...it's all "made up", so I refuse to play their bullshit games and debate with them). Anyone else, nadda problem....

For example, I don't like anonymous paid embryo, egg & sperm donation. Cause of the money paid and the anonymity, and a host of other issues I'll get into on another post someday, but if I swear to never judge any of you and keep reading you, and not leave any crappy comments on your blogs about it, even if you use donor gametes to create all your children, maybe you could do the same for me? Like maybe I WANT to say I hate these things right here on this webpage and cause it's my space I can say shit here? But I won't shit in your backyard, no matter how I feel?

And I'm nervous that won't work. I think because the stakes are so high, so life and death, so hormonally charged, that we can't do that with each other.

It's going to kill me to do it, and I know I'll come along and read someone someday who is doing something totally idiotic, medically harmful, or likely to cause disaster, and after losing three kids, I sort of feel like I get to say, "Are you out of your effin' mind? Take this Assvice, so you don't end up a freak of monstrous proportions like me, or have a child who is a freak of monstrous proportions JUST LIKE ME."

You see, I am a freak. Why, you ask? Well, because I don't truly fit in in any part of the real world or the blogosphere.

Don't misunderstand me, almost every single person I've met here in the computer has been wonderful, even after I pissed them off, or stepped on them, or said the exact wrong thing at the exact wrong time.

Political people NEVER mention personal stuff. If they do, it can ONLY be in relation to some irrelevant campaign they are starting up. Not anything anyone actually gives a flying fuck about, (unless of course, a focus group and multiple pollsters has confirmed it.)

My ADD has caused all sorts of problems for years, I finally got a degree, but not in an area I'll ever use IRL, and my ADD screwed up my transcript so I'm not sure how I'd go back for another one. Every time I get a job, I'm overqualified and deserve to move up, but can't get promoted because I screw up administrative things too badly. I lose papers, am late for things, can't figure out their *new* & *improved* computer system that is so simple and easy for everyone else to pick up. If I could move into a job where I start out with an assistant who could organize me from the get go, I could finally get some of these great ideas loose from my brain, but that will never happen... of course, I might get some help and understanding if I had a "real" disease, but who's kidding who, when you have been gifted with the media's pretend disease du jour, understanding rarely comes to your life.

I'm an adoptee, but I hated my adoptive parents, so I am wary of all adoptions...I've met my birth mother, and various relatives years ago. It was great, and very therapeutic, but after 12 years, I feel very very alone. I'm not the happy-ass adoptee all the adoptive parents want to talk to, and I'm not the reunion-is-heaven adoptee the rest of the triad fantasizes about.

I'm infertile, but since I have two kids now...I don't quite fit the conversation, do I? My children are not the "cure" for my infertility, whether they were attained through high-tech means or the traditional manner. Parts of my body will never function again properly. But it doesn't matter to someone starting out on the road. I'm not them anymore.

I have a weird affinity for medical and scientific and legal/policy stuff. I spend hours reading medical journals, case reports, PubMed till my eyeballs fall out, government and hospital policy documents, every damn word of the research on a drug before I take it. I average 350 articles a month and own medical textbooks. And not just on fertility & pregnancy, but on lots of stuff. I can quote chapter and verse on sleep disorders, MS, pediatrics, bone disorders, toxicology, study methodology. I've been to conferences and lectures on so many subjects, some people over at my local university think I'm a med student.

But I'm not. I'm just freak who can't figure out how to get the degree, or the job, or the professional credentials.

I'm just a housewife, with kids who are getting too old to need a mommy at home.

This is not how I pictured my life turning out. And I don't know how to stop being this freak.