Sunday, February 11, 2007

I am a freak of monstrous proportions

I've spent the last 4 days afraid to post anything because I worried that no matter what I do, I'll offend someone, somewhere. I'm unusual because I enjoy having conversations with people I disagree with. I love debate, and learning new things, and challenging assumptions. Nothing turns my crank like a good brawl, verbal style. Or a good old-fashioned weepfest. I've dealt with the tragedies in my life by making sick awful jokes for yeeeaaars. It was either that or run screaming down the street ripping my hair out, as I've said many times.

I like to think that we can talk about these things, respectfully, possibly still disagree afterwards, but move on, and blogkiss and make up. I'll read you, you read me, and slowly but surely we blur the respective lines on our drawn in the sand positions, right?

I worry that I believe it but others, not so much...it's why I've never signed up with that myblog service. I don't want normal people to know that a member of DBA has lurked on their blog. I actually have different online identities, just because some people become so incredibly uncomfortable with my "other" life, they won't speak to me about politics or entertainment or medical stuff. They just back away slowly, desperately wanting to avoid me.

So, on this blog, you are welcome to say whatever, ask whatever, do whatever, as long as you do it with respect in your tone, and no-one suggests my kids or me should be hurt, harmed, etc. as some of those pro-laffers do, okay? (Yes, really, they think no woman ever risks her life in pregnancy...it's all "made up", so I refuse to play their bullshit games and debate with them). Anyone else, nadda problem....

For example, I don't like anonymous paid embryo, egg & sperm donation. Cause of the money paid and the anonymity, and a host of other issues I'll get into on another post someday, but if I swear to never judge any of you and keep reading you, and not leave any crappy comments on your blogs about it, even if you use donor gametes to create all your children, maybe you could do the same for me? Like maybe I WANT to say I hate these things right here on this webpage and cause it's my space I can say shit here? But I won't shit in your backyard, no matter how I feel?

And I'm nervous that won't work. I think because the stakes are so high, so life and death, so hormonally charged, that we can't do that with each other.

It's going to kill me to do it, and I know I'll come along and read someone someday who is doing something totally idiotic, medically harmful, or likely to cause disaster, and after losing three kids, I sort of feel like I get to say, "Are you out of your effin' mind? Take this Assvice, so you don't end up a freak of monstrous proportions like me, or have a child who is a freak of monstrous proportions JUST LIKE ME."

You see, I am a freak. Why, you ask? Well, because I don't truly fit in in any part of the real world or the blogosphere.

Don't misunderstand me, almost every single person I've met here in the computer has been wonderful, even after I pissed them off, or stepped on them, or said the exact wrong thing at the exact wrong time.

Political people NEVER mention personal stuff. If they do, it can ONLY be in relation to some irrelevant campaign they are starting up. Not anything anyone actually gives a flying fuck about, (unless of course, a focus group and multiple pollsters has confirmed it.)

My ADD has caused all sorts of problems for years, I finally got a degree, but not in an area I'll ever use IRL, and my ADD screwed up my transcript so I'm not sure how I'd go back for another one. Every time I get a job, I'm overqualified and deserve to move up, but can't get promoted because I screw up administrative things too badly. I lose papers, am late for things, can't figure out their *new* & *improved* computer system that is so simple and easy for everyone else to pick up. If I could move into a job where I start out with an assistant who could organize me from the get go, I could finally get some of these great ideas loose from my brain, but that will never happen... of course, I might get some help and understanding if I had a "real" disease, but who's kidding who, when you have been gifted with the media's pretend disease du jour, understanding rarely comes to your life.

I'm an adoptee, but I hated my adoptive parents, so I am wary of all adoptions...I've met my birth mother, and various relatives years ago. It was great, and very therapeutic, but after 12 years, I feel very very alone. I'm not the happy-ass adoptee all the adoptive parents want to talk to, and I'm not the reunion-is-heaven adoptee the rest of the triad fantasizes about.

I'm infertile, but since I have two kids now...I don't quite fit the conversation, do I? My children are not the "cure" for my infertility, whether they were attained through high-tech means or the traditional manner. Parts of my body will never function again properly. But it doesn't matter to someone starting out on the road. I'm not them anymore.

I have a weird affinity for medical and scientific and legal/policy stuff. I spend hours reading medical journals, case reports, PubMed till my eyeballs fall out, government and hospital policy documents, every damn word of the research on a drug before I take it. I average 350 articles a month and own medical textbooks. And not just on fertility & pregnancy, but on lots of stuff. I can quote chapter and verse on sleep disorders, MS, pediatrics, bone disorders, toxicology, study methodology. I've been to conferences and lectures on so many subjects, some people over at my local university think I'm a med student.

But I'm not. I'm just freak who can't figure out how to get the degree, or the job, or the professional credentials.

I'm just a housewife, with kids who are getting too old to need a mommy at home.

This is not how I pictured my life turning out. And I don't know how to stop being this freak.

18 comments:

  1. We all have hints of "freakishness", but rarely are we willing to admit them. I share as much as I'm willing to share. No more. And really, sometimes I feel it is too much.

    There are also some things I am dead-set against/for; and even some things I use to be dead-set against/for that now I question my senses.

    You are not a freak, unless one considers a person who is open and honest with their feelings as freakish. It has to be healthier than the alternative, don't you think?

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  2. One of the things I like about blogging is coming across new and diverse people. I like that everyone has different experiences and points of views.

    You are NOT a freak. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

    You have tried unsuccessfully to have another child. You have lost several babies. You can't just get pregnant because you want to. It doesn't matter to me that you have 2 kids, as far as I am concerned, you are infertile.

    As for adoption issues, I know that I am in the minority to have a great adoptive family and a good relationship with my biological family. I know that not everyone has success in all sides of the triad. Our situations are different, but many of the feelings are the same.

    For what it is worth, I don't agree with donor embryos/eggs/sperm on a for profit basis either. I think people get involved in it for the wrong reasons. Anonymous or not, anyone looking to make a profit by giving someone what could be the ultimate gift has the wrong motives. I could go on and on with this issue, but will save it so we can discuss it over lunch or coffee!

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  3. Aurelia, I love your thoughtful, intelligent posts and comments and wouldn't hesitate to disagree with you if I was of another mind and thought a good thought-provoking conversation should be on the menu.

    You're in an uncommon situation, true, but I think that feeling freakish makes you just like all the rest of us.

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  4. I second Tinker. I look forward to reading your posts for just that reason. You say what you need to say, and it's refreshing.

    How did you picture your life turning out? What was your dream? I'm a Pollyanna who believes it's never too late to begin again, or pick-up where we left off, or take a new fork in the road (pick your cliche).

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  5. Aurelia, I was so sad to read this post and the fact you think so badly about yourself. You have ADD and thats a problem, I know, my youngest brother has it and has a hard time sticking with one job or making any real valuable friends, but we're very patient and respectful with him because he has a real problem. Actually he's amazing with LaLa, she just loves him!

    Its true you are in the middle of what most of us are going through, even I feel "out of it" because I have LaLa, but I'm sticking with my guns in saying that I suffer from infertility, again. I don't even want to call it secondary, anymore!

    I like the way you're open and honest and if you do step on someones tail once in a while, so be it. You probably wouldn't even dare in real life, but this isn't real life and that should be the beauty of it.

    I don't recount the half of whats on my mind because I figure I have a professional shrink for that and I have no desire to be judged or start a fight with anyone, this for me is my sanctuary to be surrounded by people who understand or at least commiserate with me.

    I really hope you find the perfect job one day, I can only wish you lots of strength and courage and I'm sure you're a fantastic mum :)

    X

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  6. Hey I am not sure why you can't get to me. I checked my blog and my feed is on. I switched to beta (wish I had not done that) maybe you need to put me in again. I don't know. I know if you click on me on some other blogs you still get to me. Not sure why you are having problems. Sorry I am of no help.

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  7. I promise to be respectful on your blog and appreciate that you're respectful of others. We're all misfits here, in some way or another. None of us belong. Yet here we are - sharing the intimate details of our lives, our thoughts and feelings, or inner demons. And it's all good. And it's because we share freely that we make our own club. And you're a member.

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  8. As I have said, many times before, I love your blog for its insight, honesty, and freakish revelations. LOVE IT!!! I am so glad that you did decide to post about this and admire you for your courage. I look up to you in so many ways. If you weren't a self described freak, I don't think I would keep coming back. Believe me when I say that you fit into my blogosphere perfectly. If you were the same as everyone else, that probably wouldn't be true. Your experience has given you so much insight into sufferring and struggle, and I don't have the pleasure of knowing too many people like you. You are an amazing friend, and even if we disagree on something, I will never ever leave you, my friend.

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  9. I have been having comment issues ever since I "upgraded" to beta Blogger so I hope this goes thru!
    Your blog is great Aurelia so don't let the turkeys get you down...
    I enjoy surfing across different blogs precisely to read that different point of view...My BF had an embryo transfer last Thanksgiving using donor eggs after running the gauntlet of conventional infertility Tx (I offered to be her donor but I'm too old, ha ha -- I never asked how much she had to pay for her donor eggs...) -- she is currently PG w/twins (Week 14) & I am utterly terrified for her.

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  10. dont stop blogging your probably helping someone somewhere..

    infertility is excruciatingly painful. i have 2 kids too and lots of dr's will say "But you already have children". like thats supposed to make everything better.

    i may not agree with others on the blogosphere but I respect the fact that we all have a right to our own opinions. sharing them with each other leads to understanding and hopefully progress for all involved.

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  11. I really enjoy your blog and this post made me sad, to see that you feel like that about yourself. You're not a freak. You're a wonderful person and a strong woman and you fit in here with us. The things that are different about you are the things that make you so special. We're all here for each other, no matter how we got here or why we're here.

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  12. Hey, Aurelia. I just want you to know I'm thinking of you.

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  13. Now that I am feeling better today I have read your post and I have to say in now way do I see you a freak. Why do you think of yourself this way? First ADD is a real thing not something made up. I will admit something here I never have to anybody. When I was 26 and seeing a shrink he told me I had ADD and tired to put me on medication. I refused. Who knows maybe if I would have taken his advice and took the medication I would have a better job today.

    I do wish you would not be so hard on yourself. All though I don’t know you IRL I think you are a great person. I love how you speak what is on your mind. But you do it with class. You stand up and fight for what you believe in. So I guess if you think you are a freak then I am a freak for thinking so highly of you.

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  14. Well, you know, I think, the same way all families are dysfunctional, we all look like freaks if someone other than us peruses the minutiae of our lives. I do not think you are a freak at all, it all makes you, in my eyes, a terribly interesting person. Then again, I often feel like the outsider everyhwere, so I know exactly what you're saying. Now, I think everyone's blog should be their haven, and everyone's entitled to their opinion as long as they're polite about it, and SANE - I agree, the demented have no right to respect whatsoever. SO I say, go right ahead and talk abt whatever you want, no one can please everyone ever, it'd be silly to even try. So feel free here, at least, we so often are constrained IRL - free thyself!

    What I'm going to say next will sound rather bizarre but would you give the Flylady.net a try? She apparently works miracles in helping people slowly start to organise themselve sand their lives truly are changed. I say, what have you got to lose? Not being promoting bcs of disorganisation sucks bloody rocks, you deserve better bcs you ARE better.

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  15. Oh here it is, I AM mad after all.


    What I forgot to say was, you can QUOTE medical texts?? You must move here so I can place newborn lambs at your feet - do you know how glorious that is? You absolutely bomb in the best possibkle British way, sorry but you do. No freak, just fabulous.

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  16. How can you be such a freak, when some of your freakiness sounds like mine?

    I still can't get a BA. Who can listen to some guy who has decided that he has to write his own text book, because no one else has written an acceptable one? Then he considers teaching, reading from his own text book.

    I still feel connected to the IF world, but with three kids, not enough IVF cycles under her belt and no miscarriages, I don't exactly fit either.

    I read medical, scientific, legal and political stuff for hours and hours.

    As long as I'm interested in the subject, I can hold my own with people who are the best in their respected fields.

    I'm in my own business, because I would never ever be able to hold down a corporate job.

    IMHO, you need to figure a business for yourself. Streamline yourself, assistant free with your computer. I do believe you can get over the computer hump, once you realize that you can get all your answers the same way you can search your other passions. People always need ADD hypomanics in their life. They don't always know it.

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  17. Okay, so you wrote this almost a month ago, but I had to click on "Liberal Party" when I saw it on the right. Aurelia, you are awesome. Absolutely. I don't know what the hell the point of our suffering is either. But in the days since I found it, your blog has lightened mine a little bit.

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  18. WOW.

    This post was a jolt in so many ways. I knew you were intense about your medical knowledge, but wow... not THAT intense! chuckle.

    I, for one, am delighted that you are a freak. I would be very sad if you ever diluted yourself into something less interesting. Because woman, you are a phenom.

    MMWAH!

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