Sunday, December 30, 2007

Some of you may have noticed I've been distracted

Which is good---and bad.

I wish I was distracted by a surprise trip around the world, but that's not quite going to happen, so nevermind. Instead I got distracted by Mac's illness, which is practically cured! Mind-blowing how he can be bedridden one day and attempting to jump off the swingset a few days later. Resilient little guys, eh?

But I did kind of forget about what happened 3 years ago right around this time. I knew it was coming up, and got very very stressed about it, and then, everything shifted and I barely remembered my name.

But just so you all know...I know I still have more work to do to make sure that this never ever happens to another person, ever. I just have to figure out the legalities around it---not hard for my little obsessed brain, I hope. Apparently, Massachusetts and California have laws that prevent this from happening, and if they can do it, then Canada can right?

I saw a new shrink the other day, and we spoke briefly about this and some other experiences, and it occurred to me that for the last year or so, I'm starting to internalize that a lot of this crap has been done to me, and that it was not caused by me; two different things. Now I said starting, so don't get me wrong, I know that deep down I still blame myself for terrible things that have happened to me, and it's completely illogical to blame myself, blah blah blah, but that kind of CBT type of therapy never stuck to my brain. I needed to feel this deep down. I keep wondering if it was the EMDR therapy I did, or maybe the courses of propranolol? Or maybe just the passage of time.

Don't know....but tonight, I'm not feeling quite so crappy about it. And that has to be a good thing.


  1. I'm glad this year is a little easier for you. Yes, it must be a good sign.

    I'm glad Mac is feeling better too. That must have been some scare - and really horrible to have to see your son go through it too...

  2. yes, it is. and screw anyone who implies otherwise.

  3. Jebus. I'm so grateful that your son's resiliance distracted you from the most obscene of anniversaries. And not feeling quite so crappy about it gives me a world of (gulp) hope.

  4. Yes, it is a good thing.

  5. Aurelia I am so sorry these things happened to you and I am so very glad you are starting to realise you are not to blame.
    I absolutely agree it seems reasonable we have laws to prevent this but really what strikes me over and over is that common sense, people doing the right thing, would prevent the need for you to work so long to try to make this right and ensure it never happens to anyone else.
    Why are people so unable to react appropriately in a situation that is out of the ordinary?

  6. It is a good thing. And, good for you for working so hard at getting through it all.

  7. I'm so glad to hear that Mac is better. I hadn't read your blog in a few days and just read the last few posts.

    You are so smart to teach your boys to keep track of their testicles and make sure everything is healthy, especially from such a young age. My MIL is a nurse and taught her two sons the same. Mr. C always checked things when he was in the shower, it was just something he always did. It ended up saving his life. Less than two months after a complete physical exam with a doctor showed him as perfectly healthy, he found a lump in one of his testicles. After a chat over instant message with his mom later that morning he left work and headed to a clinic. After all of the tests and surgery to remove his testicle it turned out he actually had two cancerous tumors. Fortunately since he caught it so quickly it hadn't had time to spread. One of the tumors was the "fast-growing" type, though, so we will never know how narrowly he dodged that bullet.

    I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better and are moving toward an understanding that you are not to blame for the terrible things that have happened. I think CBT can only take a person so far. I'm not familiar with EMDR therapy. For me, what really helped was doing mind/body/energy therapies. And I do think that in some ways time does help us to heal as well.

  8. It is a good thing. You don't have to hold on to the hurt and anger in order to honour it.


  9. YOWWWSA! Just finished reading about Mac's poor testicles. OOOUCH!

    So glad he's feeling better.