Saturday, January 05, 2008

Can't sleep

I saw that therapist/shrink who is doing a program assessment again. She really hasn't impressed me much so far. I'm trying to be honest because I'm hoping that she'll be able to find me someone in the program who is a good fit, but so far---that seems to be a mistake. This woman is a bit of a blunt instrument. Someone told me she was good for someone else, but weellll, also not very good for her, and I can understand that now.

This may have been a mistake. A serious mistake. You know how I know? Because I woke up screaming from a nightmare at 3:45 am and it was so real and so awful I'm scared to get back to sleep now. It was all about people digging around and snooping in my basement, and unpacking my boxes and rooting around in there without my permission and discovering stuff that I had neatly packed away and dealt with as much as I feel like for now.

(Yes, I know the meaning of the dream is obvious, even to someone like God, could I be any easier to read?) It's just that I'm sick of being told that Brief Therapy is the new solution to mental health when really, it's just a big fat budget dodge. No one wants to pay for the damage that crime victims or victims of medical errors suffer. They all want us to go away and take a pill and shut the fuck up.

So, now I'm feeling pretty shitty, like someone starting rooting around in my stuff, and then walked away and left me with the mess to clean up. God forbid they stick around to help me pack it all away nice and neat. Guess OHIP won't pay for it! *eyeroll*

I have to find someone permanent who will listen to what I say. This woman----I told her quite clearly that CBT is really not my style, and she ends the session by telling me that meditation is the solution, and we should work on a mantra for altering my cognitive thought process around the assumption that this baby will not make it.


Yes, because chanting changes your medical history & risk factors...a mantra and a good hippie outfit and a bong are all I need to make it through the day.

Anyway, my real neurosis around these sessions is that I can't stand how she takes notes. You see, the old protocol was that any explicit notes were not to be put in the hospital files, just basic notes describing medications and symptoms and the fact that sessions were occurring. Anything more definitive, was only written in files and notes that the department alone or the therapist could access. It's a way of ensuring patient privacy but not compromising medical care, since the average medical Doc is too stupid to accurately understand mental health issues, and the average "mental health professional" is mentally ill themselves and spends all of their time projecting their own emotional shit onto their patients, then writing it in their notes. At least on this blog, if I feel it, I can write it, and it isn't someone's else's impression of me. And hell, if I want to take it down someday, I can!

But nothing, absolutely nothing that has been encased in the blue hospital file can ever ever be removed. If that piece of paper has slid down the sacred metal duotang clip, it's there honey, for allllll fuckin' eternity. So when I say, dear Doc, please don't write anything explicit in my file, be obscure, do not continue to write about my personal neurosis in there. Cause, ummm, that was me withdrawing my consent for her to write it that way. Cause no means NO! Sigh....

I don't want to go back, but the thought of breaking in yet ANOTHER doc is so depressing that I'm not sure I can bear it. Maybe I'll just forget about it. This is definitely not worth not sleeping.


  1. I've never had much luck with therapists either.

  2. I broke up with shrink #2. This :
    They all want us to go away and take a pill and shut the fuck up.
    Has been my impression of everyone I have dealt with.
    I have two more names, and then I am giving up again.

  3. I think the bong might help things. . .

  4. I've tried 3 therapists and two psychiatrists for drugs, and nothing has worked. So I gave up. I've just been trying to battle it all on my own - only sort of successfully. Hang in there!

  5. No mantra, no hippie outfit, just a bong, a three footer perhaps.

    As far as finding another doctor, I remember that pain all too well. It's terrifying and debilitating. I wish that medicine and therapists understood that. May you find the doctor for you this year.

    As far as medical records, well, I take heart in knowing that while it's in there, no one actually is reading it.

  6. Sheesh, at least in the us you have the right to have certain things removed from the file. (It's part of hippa, I think.)

  7. Alley, here you can't remove anything unless you can prove malicious intent. But you can always add a note to the file disputing their assessments of whatever.

    What annoys me the most is that people do read the damn files and gossip about stuff all the time. And the last thing I need is MORE misinterpretation of my medical history.

  8. As a therapist, I completely understand your frustration with the therapist you saw. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people with excellent qualifications on paper who don't really know what they are doing. When I practiced in a small city in the middle of the US I had "survivors" of other therapists who were ready to give up trying to get what they needed because they had been so badly treated or misunderstood, or simply were not satisfied with the therapist they had seen. What I would suggest is that you ask around and see who people you respect know of firsthand... not someone who is an aquaintance and a nice person or someone who is prominent, but someone who has provided quality therapy to people you know. Don't give up! There are good therapists out there. But don't waste your time with someone who is not doing you any good. By the second or third session, you should have an idea if this person can really help you. Good luck! (and feel free to write if I can be of any assistance ... and no, I am not looking for business... I live far away and do not do long distance therapy.)

  9. Aurelia, this sounds terribly frustrating...and like the bong really might be the better option.

    i'm curious, though, because i'm fairly new here...what's CBT and is it actually something that your doc was able to set up for you within the Canadian medical system? without you literally losing your mind and threatening to shoot people? is it supposed to help with grief and post-medical trauma?

    i ask, of course, because in PEI unless i literally threatened to kill myself and wanted lithium, there was NOTHING my doctor, public health, or the local Canadian Mental Health Association could refer me to for dealing with grief, loss, or recurrent effects of medical trauma. so i'm fascinated, however ineffective it seems to be proving. :)

  10. Nightmare! I hope you can find someone who works for you.

  11. Bang the gong in the therapists face every time they put pen to paper?!! (sorry not very mature am I?)
    Here's a thought...perfect therapists are non exixtant.
    One that can do some good at least for a time should be findable.
    Wishing you luck.

  12. If it doesn't work,it doesn't work.It is hard to doctor-shop but ultimately worth it, a good one ensures life quality.

    I hope you have a lovely 2008, I hope you sort this out in a way that increases your peace of mind and well-being.

    Anyone suggesting a mantra to me would fast see my back fading into the distance, it's too... un-me. Blech.

  13. Bon,

    CBT stands for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and it's one type of therapy you can get from a therapist, who doesn't necessarily have to be a doctor, but can be a social worker or a psychologist or whatever as long as they are trained.

    Wikipedia has better explanations about what CBT is effective for. I've tried EMDR for trauma therapy (link on my sidebar) and other kinds like feminist therapy and group support, as well as peer support. Because I'm in Toronto, I can access some of this through OHIP, but make no mistake, the majority of mental health support in this country is paid out of pocket.

    The program I'm trying to get into is free through my hospital and supposedly specializes in this, so I have to be assessed by the doctor who is simply assigned to me automatically, then I get to see a therapist, but to be honest, I've never met any therapist who truly understands perinatal grief and subsequent pregnancy.

    It's just not a study area for mental health. I could go on about this for hours, frankly this reply is turning into a post! Hmmm, maybe I'll post about it....

  14. A mantra? A MANTRA?

    Christ, what a schmuck. Can you ask her to make a note in your file that she's a complete boob?


    No joke this book changed my did more for me than any therapist I ever went to.

  16. Yep, I went thru the Brief Therapy route -- unfortunately that was the BEST therapist I've ever clicked w/, personally... but, you know, it was "Brief" therapy *ahem* & I've felt like a broken record on the couple of occasions I've gone back for an "oil check" & it feels as though we're rehashing the Same Old Shit, over & over & OVER again... Hell, I'm sure he's as tired of it as I am!
    Maybe I'll check out that book Jen, seems like it's "DIY" time...

  17. It seems like this therapist has trouble with reality. Excessive, disproportionate anxiety is being afraid every car you walk by is going to back up and run you over, or that a meteor's going to strike your house, or that George Bush will still be President in 2012. A real concern is when one has experienced many pregnancies with complications and is realistically concerned with possible complications now. I don't think mantras help with reasonable responses...

  18. here is a answer to your problem, instead of being a baby about things and thinking y ou need a therapist for every bump in the night. grow up, people have a lot worse dreams then that and deal with it. you are saying you dont like your consoler because she offers to give you meds but that is exactly what you want them to say. if you are not wise enough to console yourself you should maybe join a group home.

  19. Anonymous 6:51,

    You obviously haven't read much else on this blog or know what I've been through so I'm just going to assume you have some deep issues of your own and need to take it out on some strangers website.

    I'm sorry you are so sad and lonely that you feel a need to bully someone you have never met.