Groan

Still happy, I went shopping with DecemberBaby and saw her new baby, Kali yesterday. She is sooooooo cute. I just wanted to eat her right up, every little bit of her. And of course, now I definitely want this pregnancy to be over with!!!!! I want this baby right now!!!! V. impatient over here. Can I go to sleep and wake up June 9th with a healthy perfect baby in my arms, please?

I bought some more maternity tops and a few bras, and I even----deep breath, bought a tiny little newborn outfit for Dinkypie. I figured it was another way of defying my magical thinking demons. Like yelling out to the universe, "Hey, I'm going to act NORMAL, and you can't stop me. Hahahahaha."

I've been feeling a little peeved at Mr.Cotta for acting so nonchalant, like hey everything is fine---blah, blah, blah, and for weeks now I've been wondering if it was male bravado to cover up fear or if he seriously didn't care about me and the baby. (Bizarre, yes, keep reading.) Anyway, after I showed him the outfit, he wouldn't look at it, and then I showed it to the boys and they were kind of awed about how tiny it was, he finally pipes up and asks if it isn't too large for a newborn. I tell him no, it fits a 7 pound baby, which is slightly smaller than Kaz (7 lbs, 10 oz.) when he was born. And a lot smaller than Mac who was 8 lbs, 13 oz. If I go a few weeks early I might need it, and what the hell, psychologically it's worth the cash, right?

He finally starts to look interested and after dinner we talk, and it turns out that he IS freaked out right along with me, and every time he complains about me talking to the doc about what might happen, it makes him more worried since he feels more comfortable simply trusting the Doc and sitting back and letting them do the work.

Anyone think that's my method of handling stress?

Chuckle

I'm thinking it will be better if he doesn't come to every appointment with me and I try to ask my questions when he isn't around. (In his stress he tends to try to rush me out the door.) Or maybe he can be there for the US or the doppler and I'll just send him out to wait for me in the hall afterwards. I need to be able to depend on him, but if he is too freaked out himself, it won't do either of us any good. I'm sure if I ask him what he wants to do, he'll tell me he's fine and act like it's no big deal.....but after 12+ years together I kind of know when he's really fine and when he isn't. Men are odd little creatures aren't they? I guess we'll have to talk more. He's definitely not going to the appointment with the placenta specialist Friday. Of course, I don't want to go alone. Crap.

And my kids have been asking interesting questions. We took a video at the ultrasound and put it up on the TV screen at home for them to see. Very exciting, very cool for them. Mac completely started acting out and pretending he was a baby too and needed snuggles, then decided he was a big boy and didn't need any snuggles. And that's when all the deep moral questions started. My answers are in italics. In real life the answers were a bit longer, and Kaz gets different answers than Mac because he's 4 years older and already knows some of these answers, but not all.

Like: What does the word bastard mean? It used to mean a child who was born to parents who were not married. It has no legal meaning anymore in Ontario and is a rude word socially. Why is that a bad word? Because it's mean to treat someone badly because of their family, just like it would be mean to treat someone badly if they were different in any way.Who cares if someone is married before they have kids? Traditionally society did, because the only way to get an inheritance or money or a career or an education was through family connections. Over time, as free government education took over and things like DNA were discovered, it became less important to society. People could succeed on their own.

(Note to readers: I did not discuss the concept of reclaiming bad words as symbols of oppression - not age appropriate, but yes I get it myself...This conversation was gut-wrenching for me, since there is one level of government that still wants to label my son a bastard. Which I didn't tell him. I'm actively trying to get the law changed----long story, it may end up as human rights complaint, we'll see.)

What does the f-word mean? Intercourse What's intercourse? When a man's penis is inserted into a woman's vagina and it rubs back and forth Is it fun? Yes, but it's a lot more fun when you are older and in love with person who you do it with. Right now you haven't gone through puberty and it will feel different then, for now no one should touch your private parts except for you when you have privacy or a doctor or a nurse if you are sick. Did you and Dad ever do intercourse? Blushing, well, we were in love, and we wanted to have babies so we did.

(The morning after watching Raiders of the Lost Ark on DVD) What does Heil Hitler mean? It means Hail Hitler, and it was a salute the Nazis did. It is very rude and good people never ever do it. The actor who did it was playing a bad man. Who is Hitler? A bad man who killed a lot of people during World War II, mostly because he was mean and didn't like them and he thought they were different from him. He was very stupid and cruel but he hid it well and fooled a lot of people before he got caught. Why is putting your arm like that bad? Because anyone who does that is saying that they think he was smart and did the right thing. Which makes them as stupid as he was. Hitler was a bad person, maybe the worst person who ever lived on earth, and we shouldn't admire or imitate bad people.

Why do people kill Gorillas? Because they are stupid and mean. Can I get a gun and kill all the poachers? No. Can we pay someone to kill all the poachers? I don't think so Mac. (He is now weeping and asking me to give money to save the Gorillas. My heart is breaking for him.)

How do snakes pee? I didn't know they did. Do they have intercourse? No, they lay eggs. Too bad for the snakes, eh Mom?

Would you all understand if I said that I'm looking forward to having one child in the house who doesn't ask questions and just eats and makes diapers and cries? I can breastfeed and still sleep, but this stuff gives me total insomnia and nightmares and well, stress! Stress, stress, stress!

Just another 48 hours in the House of Cotta. Sex, death, grief, social norms, justice, politics, biology. I need a tylenol and a nap....but it's not working out like that. I thought us SAHMs did nothing but eat bon-bons?