Not quite as bad and not quite as good

My GP, Dr. J. was pretty good about todays' appointment. Yes, it turns out that my bone density sucks donkey balls, in fact my hip socket density is down to 76% of what it should be for a woman my age, weight, yadda yadda, but my spinal isn't too awful, still pretty stable compared to a few years ago. She didn't mention any medication for it, but that's because I have a specialist appointment coming up and we agreed to talk about it then. She did tell me to change my brand of calcium & D, because she thinks I'm getting bored with it, which is why I'm not very compliant. This she is right about....chalky tasting stuff sucks!

My RAIU test results she wasn't sure what to do with. Apparently the latest muddling BS diagnosis they can come up with is "inactive Graves disease". Except that at least one Doc has said that my lab results don't show the right antibodies for Graves disease. (But hey fuck lab results---we only worry about those when we feel like it!) She's going to get back to me about the MRI.

And of course she asked about my upset below the stomach parts, which have still not healed from the hideous organic muffin adventure. I had seen another Dr. last week at the clinic about it and they did some tests. Too late to find food poisoning, I guess. Anyway, we ended up talking about all my GI adventures and between the lactose intolerance and the hyperthyroid and all I've been feeling awful on and off for a year. And I knew this word was coming but I seriously cringed....she mentioned the c-word (colonoscopy), and I practically fainted and said the conversation had to end.

Honestly, I'd rather have brain surgery.

Through my eyeball.

Awake.

After all the gyne surgeries I've had and the dildocams and the dozens of hands up my hoo-ha, yes, THIS is the procedure I'd rather die than discuss. So my Doc KEEPS going! She tells me that not to worry, they do twilight sleep, and I'd get some fentanyl. And that was my limit.

For those of you who think I'm good at advocating for myself, you need to know that really I'm not. If I was really good, I wouldn't have so many dead children. Okay, scratch that last sentence, the new improved me is refusing to feel guilt. My Doctors have to take responsibility, right?

I'm only as good as I can be at that single moment in time. I'm trying, and I suck at it sometimes. Like two years ago, I had a laparoscopy with a really famous endometriosis surgeon. Brilliant and kind, he did a great job on the surgery. Unfortunately my anaesthetist wasn't so good. Long story short, he didn't give me enough fentanyl during surgery so I woke up screaming in pain, and the other Doc in recovery then gave me too much fentanyl in an effort to relieve my pain. Well, she gave me so much I stopped breathing, and they had to give me Narcan to reverse the fentanyl and shock my heart to start me breathing again. I ended up in pain again, and messed up physically for days & weeks afterwards.

I couldn't advocate for myself then or while I was sick. Mr.Cotta couldn't help because he knows nothing....like ZERO about medicine. It wasn't until I left the hospital and started asking some pointed questions that I figured out what happened. And even then, I didn't bother suing. I knew it would just be a waste of my emotional energy and my money. Dr. Google, Wikipedia, Drugs.com and Emedicine are my favourite sources. If you read them, you'll know as much as me and certainly more than your Dr.

But in a crisis, when you are physically sick or in emotional shock or grieving, you cannot take care of yourself. We need others to help us. I certainly do.

We do the best we can when we can...we're only human, right?

I have to go drag my creaky old bones up the stairs. I guess I've entered the broken hip years, eh? Sigh....first it's control top underwear, then orthopedic shoes...next the c-word...