Sunday, May 20, 2007

I am

I have been tagged for the "I am" meme by a few different people now, and I have resisted because some of theirs looked like poetry, and others looked like really well-thought out happy pieces. And right now, both are just beyond me. My last post was happy, but today has kind of sucked all the joy out of that.

I am feeling really really down, incredibly sad today.

I am the only woman in a house full of men.

I have two living children who don't actually appreciate anything I've done to have them or raise them.

I am an infertile who wants more kids so they can underappreciate me as well.

I am a gardener who attempts to grow plants so that I can avoid thinking about how badly I grow embryos.

I am a home renovator who repaints and redecorates to avoid thinking about how much my personal life needs renovating.

I am secretly scared that my husband has no respect for my abilities or my brains and sees me as nothing more than a burden, a charity case he took on.

I am scared that he has a fantasy of replacing me with some kind of SuperWoman who pulls in a 6 figure salary, and simultaneously raises children better than Mary Poppins, keeps a home like Martha Stewart, and performs like an acrobat in bed. (This is a completely illogical one, but nonetheless, it exists.)

I am an adoptee who is nervous about the new disclosure laws because I have found my birth mother, but not my birth father, and there is a deadline looming, either I have to find him or he could find me first. My relationship with my birth mother is so exhausting emotionally I'm not sure I want to take on another one. On the other hand it may not be a big deal. I am torn.

I am undiagnosed with some other medical problem that might be hyperthyroid but no Dr. can figure it out.

I am lonely because many of my real life friends are too busy to see me when I am free. (They are only available to hang out late at night or on weekends when I'm here with the kids.)

I am political, a Liberal in fact. I've dropped off the face of the earth politically since the Leadership convention. I just don't feel like doing any Liberal party stuff right now. Too many self-important asshats wandering around obscuring the nice people.

I am now pretty well-off compared to 99% of the world, but am too self-conscious of my humble background to enjoy it; too aware of fitting in or not fitting in; scared I'll end up being that little girl again that was humiliated when she didn't have the hip clothes or the money to do cool stuff.

I am uncomfortable in real life with truly personal conversations. I talk talk talk a LOT, but say little that is meaningful. I can only be open on this blog. And even then, only so much.

I am a pack rat. I keep everything.

I am a lover of order and organization, but I am completely incapable of achieving it alone or maintaining it once I hire someone to do it for me.

I am very very curious about my lurkers. I sometimes get hundreds of clicks in a day, but only a dozen or so comments. Who are you? Email me, or delurk to comment or something. Especially if you are from Canada...I know a few of you who have blogs, or who have delurked before, but what about the rest? Truly, I do not bite.

I am going to go drink some beer in honour of May Two-Four weekend here in Canada.

I am tagging anyone who hasn't already done this, as well as Leroy, Nicole, Thrice, Casey, Manuela, & Mia.


  1. hi, delurking at your request. Love your blog, you have a great sense of humor and humility.
    I esp. I identified with your comment about being well off but too self conscious to enjoy it. Same boat for me as well.
    I think you may have seen my blog before, but if not here it is
    Take care

  2. Wow, Aurelia. I just finished doing my poem too. I felt the same way, that I couldn't really do anything "poetic." I'm glad you went for it, despite this worry. I learned a lot about you from reading this. I also feel so many of the same things you have written here. Oh course, all the loss and adoption stuff is familiar, but so are some of the smaller things you have mentioned. I can barely be open on my blog either, but all we can do is try. Right?

  3. Aha, comments working!
    Have a little schadenfreude; I mistakenly left you off my group e-mails detailing MY WONDERFUL WEEK.
    When I'm a little more coherent, I will crunch it into a slightly more palatable blog post...
    Seriously, though, don't be so hard on yourself Aurelia! I fight the self-censorship wars w/myself all the time -- but isn't that what I started a blog for?!?

  4. Hi, Aurelia.
    I am touched by the honesty of this post. Thanks so much for sharing so much of yourself.

  5. Hope you have fun drinking that beer.

    I did.

  6. I thought your post was extremely well done. I am also liberal, and also withdrawn except for me it came after the last election. I did a lot of campainging for my local MP who had been elected for 12 years. But she was in denial and refused to listen to a lot of the warnings and suggestions I had. She thought that reasonable people wouldn't think that people in leadership would really be that corrupt. First of all plesae, they wouldn't be the first leaders. And second of all, it is a big leap to think that our voters (the poor few who turn out) are reasonable. Alot only have the information they see on tv. And attack ads are used because they work. Otherwise they wouldn't be worth the marketing dollars!

  7. I am so sorry you are feeling so down today. You are carrying a lot. I'm praying that something unexpected comes along very soon to lighten your load, even a little.

  8. I am...Sorry you're feeling down and blue today, my friend. I hope tomorrow is better, much better.

  9. Thoroughly enjoyed your meme, although I am sending you virtual darts for tagging me. I am so damn behind in my meme tags. So in the event that I flake out on this one, don't hesitate to remind me OK?

  10. I'm sorry you're down - I hope today is better, and I hope that writing down all of those "I am" statements released some of the pain.

    PS I'm a packrat too - and so are both of my parents. Scary! Looking at their houses makes me want to throw everything out, or sell it on eBay!

  11. Beautifully done.

    I can see you when you're free... but we already knew that, right? :-)

    Hope that beer and some r&r make today a little better.

  12. I am sorry you are down, but thank you for sharing this with us.

    How does this meme work?

  13. I related to much on your list Aurelia. This is pretty cool, getting to know people better. I will try to do this one.

  14. I'm sorry you're feeling down, I'm sure you're appreciated alot more than you realise, people just take other people for granted sometimes don't they. Feel better soon, do something for yourself. If I lived in Canada, we could go out and drink beer together. x

  15. I'm a packrat too.

    Lift a glass for me! Happy Victoria Day!

  16. delurking maybe, i can't remember if i've commented before i come via casey's blog sometimes, sually when you leave an interesting comment there which is often, and i actually have time to click through, which is not so often.
    anyway it was nice to learn a little bit more about you.