20 tabs and counting, debate still ensuing

I have been unusually bizarrely tired this week. Okay, not so bizarrely, I am still recovering from having the kids home for March Break. Which is why there are 20 tabs of blogs open on firefox waiting for comments from me.

The person who invented March Break really was an asshole, by the way. Almost as big an asshole as the person who invented summers off. Kids need structure and routine, and these endless fucking holidays in which very few camps and sitters are available are the nightmare of every working parent in existence. It was one thing years ago when all the mommies were home and everyone let their kids just run wild all over the neighbourhood, but then we learned about creepy people and figured keeping kids supervised might be slightly safer and then women decided they might actually have the nerve to get jobs outside the house....and then some retro dip shit bozo in the 1970's invented March Break.

Right when all our mothers were trying to get free, they decided to make it more expensive to get a job. Sexist titheads.

I keep having this fantasy that someday every school will be open every day of the year except--maybe a few stat holidays and maybe a rotated few weeks for maintenance. And the schools would be all open like 6 am-9 pm, and they would all have meal and snack programs, and any kid ages 6 months to 18 years old would be able to be dropped off or picked up anytime, and every school would function like a giant community centre/daycare/camp, with mandatory weeks and optional weeks. There would extra teachers and daycare workers and older students would help take care of younger ones.

And nobody would have to send their kids there, but for the poor, the retail worker, the factory worker, the single parent, the person who works contract, the parent who works from home and has weird schedules....it would be fucking heaven on earth. Nobody would leave there kid there all the time, but what are the people who work at the grocery store 11 to 8 supposed to do? Or the nurses who work 3 days a week, 12 hours at a time, then have 4 days off?

And for me, a woman who is nervous about some nanny being alone with her kids? Yeah, I prefer daycare. I really do. I mean, if I can't do 10 hours alone with a toddler without losing my mind, how can I expect someone else to? What if they flip out? What if they let them play with french knives? What if they are bored with my darling babies and ignore them?!?!? I admit it, I really suck as a stay at a home mommy. I'm constantly shocked that anyone on earth can do it. I get paranoid wondering if anyone will be any good at it. I mean, a moron would be better than me, but still, I was hoping for better quality caregiving than "slightly improved than me the moronic mother".

So, I'd love to find a good daycare locally---but it really won't solve the issues I've got around what I do with the older boys when they are off school. And daycare for all three would be more money than the mortgage. And my house would still be a mess. And no daycare is ever open longer than 5 pm. So if I go back to university, or get a real executive type job, I'll never be able to work late or take a class that goes to 5:30, never mind a late evening one.

And someday, I'd like to be gainfully employed again, and not just in some dead end 9 to 5 joke job. I've done those, they suck. No challenge, no interesting stuff to delve into. And as much as I adore my kids, like I said, I'm not very good at the stay at home mom thing. I have waayy more patience if I get out and get a little intellectual stimulation every day, not to mention sunshine and fresh air and adult company.

If I get a nanny now, it will make sense because someone can help me put away the groceries and make meals and pick up the kids when I'm desperate for a nap. I can watch them with my kids now and get some idea of what they'll be like later. I'll already have someone here when the baby arrives, and I'm in round the clock confusion....but damn I feel like a rich dilettante being a SAHM with a nanny. You all do it, I should be able to handle it!

Someone is going to mention my husband pitching in...and for many reasons, including the new company and how many hours he works, plus he has some medical issues that mean he needs extra rest....I can't ask him to do any more. And since he isn't the writer of this blog, it would be unfair of me to reveal anything more about his medical condition here. It's not that big of a deal, it's just that he is already doing a lot to help and frankly, I think this pregnancy and the thought of a new baby, is pretty hard on him, stress-wise. Yes, another thing to feel guilty about.

This debate is killing me....endlessly turning it around in my head. Which is why it looks like I'm stalking you on your statcounters.

Sorry.

Any ideas?